Spice & Wolf I (20 page)

Holo laughed slightly.

Among traveling merchants, the act of going to a new city to dig up new goods was known as “searching for a wife,” as it carried the sense of going to find something rare and valuable.

In reality, though, simply opening up a shop did not guarantee that one would be close to the citizens of the town.

Nonetheless, being able to stay on the same piece of land for a long time was every merchant’s dream.

“It will be bad for me if you open a shop, though,” said Holo.

“Why’s that?” said Lawrence, turning around. Although her smile had not disappeared, it was tinged with sadness.

“If you open a shop, you won’t want to leave it. I’ll have to either travel alone or find a different companion.”

Lawrence then remembered that Holo had said she wished to travel the world for a while then return to her homeland in the north.

But she had her wits. She had the money she’d made from the fur sale. Surely she would be fine on her own.

“You could travel alone, though, right?” Lawrence had no particular agenda behind the words, but upon hearing them, Holo silently looked down as she ate her bread.

“I’m tired of being alone,” she blurted out, looking suddenly childish as she swung her legs—which didn’t quite reach the floor—over the edge of the bed. She fell back and seemed so small that even the flickering candlelight threatened to swallow her.

Lawrence recalled the time Holo had so fondly reminisced about her friend from centuries earlier.

Dwelling so nostalgically on the past proved she was lonely. He remembered how she looked then, curled up as if to protect herself from a storm of isolation.

Lawrence chose his words very carefully to avoid hurting her feelings—she didn’t often show this side of herself. “I expect I’ll stay with you until you’re back home in the north country, though.”

He had little choice but to say as much, but nonetheless Holo looked up with an expression that said “Really?” in a rather humble manner. Lawrence carefully concealed the excitement he felt and continued.

“Even when the money comes in I won’t be able to open up a store right away.”

“Truly?”

“Why would I lie?” said Lawrence. He couldn’t help smiling bitterly; Holo, too, smiled, but in relief. The slight downward cast of her eyes made her seem somehow tinged with loneliness. Lawrence was struck with the incongruous realization that her eyelashes were really quite long.

“So come on, don’t make that face,” he added.

A city merchant would probably have been able to come up with something more effective to say, but unfortunately Lawrence was always traveling and forced into a life absent of women. Still, Holo looked up and smiled slightly “Mm-hm,” she assented with a nod.

Seeing such a small girl so meek made her seem almost fleeting somehow. The wolf ears she normally held so high lay flat and directionless, and her proud tail curled up uncertainly next to her body.

It was suddenly silent.

Lawrence continued to watch Holo, who seemed unable to return his gaze.

She glanced at him just once, then quickly looked away. Lawrence felt he’d seen this before. Sifting through his memories, he realized it had been the apple incident, shortly after they’d arrived in Pazzio.

She’d wanted apples then—what did she need now?

Understanding another person’s desire was a singularly important skill for a merchant.

Lawrence took a deep breath and stood. Surprised by the sudden noise, Holo’s ears and tail twitched, and she regarded Lawrence. Flustered by his sudden approach, she looked away.

She reached her hands out to him as he stood before her—tremulously, almost frightened.

“Was it crying in your sleep that made your eyes red?” Lawrence took her hand and sat beside her. He pulled her close and held her gently.

“When I...”

“Hm?”

“When...when I open my eyes, they’re gone. Yue, Inti, Paro, and Myuri...they’re all gone. They’re nowhere.”

She was talking about her dream. Lawrence stroked her head softly as she sniffled. The names she’d mentioned must have been her wolf friends, perhaps even fellow wolf-gods—but he was far from insensitive enough to ask.

“I—I can live for centuries. So I thought I would go traveling.

I was sure, so very sure, that I’d see them all again. But. .. they were gone. There was no one.”

Holo’s hand trembled as she grasped Lawrence’s shirt. Lawrence himself didn’t want to be plagued by such dreams.

If he were to return to his hometown, not a soul would remember him—sometimes he had similar nightmares.

There were tales of merchants who’d left their homeland and not returned for twenty or thirty years. They would finally return home to find their village simply gone. It might have been razed to the ground in a war or stricken by plague or famine—there were any number of possible reasons.

This is why traveling merchants dreamed of owning a shop.

A shop meant a home, making a place for oneself.

“I don’t want to open my eyes and find no one there...I’m tired of being alone. It’s cold. It’s . .. lonely.”

Lawrence remained silent at her outpouring of emotion, only stroking her head. She was so distressed that anything he said would likely fall on deaf ears, and he couldn’t think of anything appropriate to say anyway.

He himself had been assailed by the winds of loneliness when riding his wagon or entering a new town.

There was nothing one could do in such times—nothing one could hear and find consoling. The only thing to do was find something to grab hold of and wait out the storm.

Holo continued to cry.

Lawrence held her, and at length the waves of emotion subsided and she let go of his clothes, looking up at him.

He let go of her, and she sat up, still sniffling.

“...How humiliating,” said Holo, her nose and eyes still red but her voice calm.

“Traveling merchants have dreams like that, too,” said Lawrence.

Holo giggled shyly and sniffled through her stuffed-up nose.

“Your face is a mess. Hang on.”

Lawrence stood and took the paper from the desk. The drawings and figures on the sheet were dry, so he thought it would be okay for her to blow her nose on it.

“But...this is your ..”

“I always throw them away when I’m done. The deal isn’t even finished yet—it’s too early to be optimistic,” said Lawrence with a smile.

Holo returned his smile and took the paper. After blowing her nose mightily on it and wiping her eyes, she looked much better. She sighed and took a deep breath, then looked sheepish once more.

Seeing her like this, Lawrence wanted to embrace her again but refrained. Holo was herself again, and he would likely be made light of.

“I’m in your debt now,” she said, picking up the now-crumbled bread and eating it. It was unclear whether or not she’d discerned his thoughts.

Relieved in any case that he hadn’t been chided, he watched her as she finished eating and yawned, dusting her hands free from crumbs. She was probably tired from crying.

“I’m still sleepy. Can you sleep?” she asked.

“Soon, yes. Staying awake any longer would be a waste of candlelight.”

“Heh, spoken like a true merchant,” said Holo, smiling as she sat cross-legged on the bed, then lay down.

After taking one last look at her, Lawrence blew the candle out.

Darkness fell instantly. As his eyes were still used to the light, it seemed pitch-black. The weather was clear and the stars were out. He couldn’t yet see the faint light that filtered through the wooden window. As he waited for his eyes to adjust, Lawrence felt his way to his own bed beneath the window in the corner of the room, careful not to trip over Holo’s bed on his way.

Finally he made it and, after feeling the edge of the bed, lay down on it. In the past, Lawrence had bruised himself by carelessly flinging himself toward the bed and accidentally hitting the edge. He’d learned to be careful.

But there was no way for him to be prepared for what awaited him.

As he started to lie down in the bed, he realized someone was already in it.

“Wha—what are you—”

“Don’t be such a prude,” said Holo in an irritated voice that was nonetheless flirtatious.

Lawrence let himself be pulled down, and Holo pressed herself against him.

Unlike before when he’d held her gently, this embrace was tight. He felt her unmistakably soft body.

Lawrence’s rising heartbeat could not be controlled. He was a healthy man, after all. He’d embraced her tightly almost before he realized it.

“...Can’t breathe...” came Holo’s constricted voice. He returned to his senses and relaxed his arms but did not let go of her. She made no move to push him away.

Instead, she drew close to his ear and whispered.

“Have your eyes adjusted yet?”

“What do you—”

—Mean, he was about to say, but Holo cut him off with a finger pressed to his lips.

“I finally remembered what I was going to say to you.”

Her whispering voice was itchy. Itchy, indeed—though her sweetly intimate tone was gone, replaced by an alarming edge to her voice.

“It’s a bit late. There are three people outside the door. I doubt they are guests.”

Lawrence finally realized that Holo was already wearing her cloak. She rummaged around quietly, and soon all of Lawrence’s belongings appeared on his chest.

“We’re on the second story. Fortunately there is no one outside. Are you ready?”

Growing excited in a completely different sense now, Holo got up. Lawrence pretended to draw the blanket over himself, and put on his clothes.

Just as he was affixing his silver dagger to his waist, Holo spoke loudly, her voice purposely carrying beyond the closed door.

“Come, see my body ’neath the moonlight!”

As soon as she finished, Lawrence heard a window clatter open. Holo perched on the windowsill and jumped down without hesitation. Lawrence scrambled after her, putting his foot on the sill. He didn’t hesitate, either—because behind him came the sound of the door being pried open, followed by heavy footsteps.