Authors: Julie Lucia
C
hapter 23
“O
h Da
vid, you have finally come back,” said Kathleen. She was surprised how happy it made her to see him standing there in front of her. He was as handsome as ever. She leaned in and felt him wrap his arms around her. His muscles tightened and she felt the strength in his arms as he hugged her. His hold lasted only a second before he let go.
Kathleen’s mind raced through all the memories she had of him. All the lonely nights she waited for him, knowing one day he would come to her and they would be husband and wife. And now he was here, but it was different. She really didn’t want to marry him
. Now it was more the idea of him that she loved. She knew he really never loved her and doubted if he ever truly would. It was something she couldn’t bare. She let go of her hold and decided to let him go.
“Kathleen,” David didn’t know where to begin or even if he should. He noticed
the warmth in Kathleen’s eyes harden, her manner changed in an instant, she held her head high.
“
We are to marry tomorrow David,” said Kathleen.
“I know we are,” said David
frowning. He tried to gauge her feelings. He didn’t want to hurt her anymore than he had to.
“It hurts me to tell you this,” Kathleen said.
She knows David thought. He tried to lean in to her and squeeze her hand in support, but she reeled.
“What is it Kathleen?” David asked.
She heard herself speak but she could not imagine where this courage had come from.
“You’ve been gone a long time
, David. Sometimes feelings change, people change,” she said.
David eyed her with confusion. He again tried to put his hand on her hers
, but she put her own hand up to halt him.
“What are you saying?” he asked.
“I am calling off the wedding,” she announced.
“I am sorry, I wanted you to hear it from me,” David apologized thinking someone had told her about Johanna.
She interrupted him, “please let me finish,” she paused. “I don’t love you anymore David, and I am pretty sure you never loved me.”
David was so taken back by her words. He was going to let her down. He was going to say these things, but not so abruptly and not so harshly.
“Are you upset with me?” David had no idea what was happening. This was not what he was expecting.
“No
, David.” Kathleen’s harshness turned to its softness once again. As she spoke, she suddenly felt free. She hadn’t realized that this was exactly how she felt. She saw the panic in his eyes but knew relief was in his heart. She knew she was doing the right thing for both of them.
David still was feeling speechless. He wondered if he should try to change her mind. He suddenly felt afraid for his future. Life would be safe and normal with Kathleen. He was sure he could love her eventually
, in time. Time was all he would have once he left the army. He remembered looking forward to coming home to family and friends, to familiarity. Everything had changed since then. Had Johanna been a siren in disguise? Was he making a mistake? David’s muscles tensed, he could feel the heaviness of his decision.
This moment would impact the very people he held close in his life.
“What should he do?” he wondered.
He had to make the right choice. The safe choice was Kathleen. But Johanna
, he didn’t think he would ever get her out of his mind or heart, even if he tried.
“I don’t know what to say. I thought you would be angry with me, especially because I…” he didn’t know how to finish, but she did it for him.
“You love someone else,” she said.
“Yes. I do. How did you know?” he asked.
“I had my suspicions when I discovered you were here for a week and you never came to see me,” she said.
“I am sorry,” he apologized. “That was very insensitive of me.”
“You thought she was dying. Why would you leave her side?” she asked with a knowing smile.
“You knew that too?” he asked sheepishly.
“David, everyone in town knew,” she said.
“I
am sorry,” he apologized again. “I forget sometimes what a small town we live in.”
“Is she feeling better?” she asked.
“She is, thank you,” he said.
“Is she really Lee’s niece?” she asked curious.
“Yes, I am afraid she is,” he frowned.
# # #
Is the coach waiting for me?” Johanna asked Jacob while she tried to put on a brave face.
“It is. Are you sure you want to leave town without seeing David first?” Jacob asked.
“Absolutely, I am sure he has a wedding to plan,” Johanna said with a grim look on her face. She tried so hard to show her tough exterior even though her heart was broken within.
“He…”Jacob stopped what he was saying. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know where David was but he knew he would be devastated once he realized she had left.
Johanna hugged him and Emma goodbye and hopped into the carriage. The driver closed the door and through the window Jacob saw her do a small wave to him and then the carriage rolled out of sight.
“Where is David?” Jacob asked Emma.
Now that Johanna was out of sight on her way to Ravensworth, she let everything she had been holding in come to the surface and she sobbed uncontrollably. How could she let herself be so betrayed by everyone? She didn’t even know where her journey had begun. How she had gotten so far off the beaten path. She always felt in control of her life. Even when her parents had fled, she knew it was the right thing for her to stay. It hurt sometimes, but sometimes decisions did. Her mind raced through the inventory of men that came in and out of her life like a swift breeze right before a storm’s wrath. They all had promises of love and yet all betrayed her in one swift blow. It was dishearten
ing to believe this pallid life she was leading could be hers. She was finally going to Virginia to be with family but now the excitement of it seemed more skewed and foreboding. She recited scripture that always gave her peace, “all things work together for good.” She wanted to believe this but she could never be as an unhappy as she was right now. She tried desperately to not love David.
# # #
“Jacob, I am here to see Johanna. Is she awake?”
David asked with a smile. “I have great news to tell her, the wedding is off.”
“David, it is too late,” Jacob mortified by having to break the news to David.
“What do you mean it’s too late? I am free to love her now,” David rushed to the room where he last saw Johanna. “Where is she?” said David scared now.
“She left
, David,” Jacob put his hand on David’s shoulder to console him.
“Where did she go?” David asked.
“She left to Ravensworth to be with her family, where she belongs,” Jacob answered him.
“What do I do?” David asked his friend for advice.
“I think you should let her go,” Jacob said as he saw the surprise on David’s face who wasn’t expecting this from him.
“But, I love her,” David said.
“All the reason more you should let her go. She is angry with you and she thinks you betrayed her. How do you think this is going to end? We have failed our mission because of this and trust me, Meade will make us pay. They will never let us leave the army.”
“I will take the blame,” said David still in shock of losing Johanna.
“We just got word that Virginia is considering seceding. It is only a matter of time Lee will give his resignation. Her family is now considered traitors,” Jacob sadly said. “Everyone is going to be hurt by this, including you my dear friend.”
David’s mind was spinning. He had sprinted to Jacob’s with such joy in his heart, happier than he had ever been. He was ready to confess his love to Johanna, and instead he found himself faced with the realization that his happiness was only fleeting. He left in a daze, his mind in a darkened fog. He pondered every possible situation and could not find a suitable solution. He had no idea where he was walking
. His mind continued to race as his heart broke with each step he took. He suddenly found himself at his family’s home standing at the doorway in tears.
“Son, are you okay,” Mrs. McPherson asked noticing his somber demeanor and led him to a chair.
“She is gone,” he whispered.
“Who
is gone?” she asked.
“Jo
hanna. I don’t know what to do,” tears slowly seeped down his unshaven face. “I can’t lose her, but I don’t know how to keep her.”
“Yes you do! Listen to your heart,” she smiled wiping away his tears with her handkerchief.
“My heart has betrayed me,” whispered David again, “It will never work out. We are now from two different sides. It is too late.”
“You will fight for your country but why won’t you fight for love?” Mrs. McPherson asked him.
David closed his eyes while he inhaled deeply. He then opened them this time with a new outlook and a new desire to take a leap of faith.
“Thank yo
u,” David kissed her cheek and disappeared out the door.
Chapter 24
“W
e are stopping for a short rest, the horses need water,” said the driver as he helped Johanna out of the carriage.
“Of course,” said Johanna.
“Hello Miss Johanna,” Malcolm came up to her.
“Malcolm, what are you doing here?” Johanna scared of the man who shot her.
“I followed you. I wanted to apologize for everything. Can you ever forgive me?” said Malcolm with sadness to his voice.
“Malcolm, you shot me,” Johanna confused by his apology.
“I know. I will never forgive myself. I had a terrible fever and I was sick for many days. I didn’t know what I was doing
. You have to believe me,” he begged her.
“You tricked me, you betray
ed me,” Johanna continued. “How could you do this to me and my uncle?”
“That was a lie. I did not set you up with pirates and I did not switch sides. McPherson was confusing you,” insisted Malcolm.
“Why did you come here?” she kept her guard still not trusting him.
“I am trying to tell you, I am giving up the life of a soldier if that is what you want. I am spending my days taking care of you until you can forgive me,” he handed back her cigar box and map.
“You’re given me these after all that? You are handing them over just to say you’re sorry and then what? Say I forgive you right now, Malcolm, then what?” she asked. “Will you ask for these back? Did you realize you couldn’t go to my uncle without me and the papers?”
“That is not why I am here,” he insisted. “I thought you were going to stay with McPherson. When you left
Harrisburg, I thought I might still have hope.”
“You shot me, took everything in my possession, lied to me, and betrayed me like no other, and you think that I would just forgive you?” she asked. “Why is it that you and Lieutenant McPherson can betray me in the worst way and think that I will just get over it?”
“
You found out I was telling the truth about him, didn’t you?” Malcolm asked. Johanna refused to answer. “Let me take you to Ravensworth. Let me prove to you my deepest regret was losing you.”
“Malcolm
, I don’t think that is necessary,” she continued to search him with her eyes for any deceit.
“Please let me. I did try to keep a close eye on you after I recovered from my fever. I found out where you were and kept watch from a distance to make sure you were in good health and safe,” he stepped closer not trying to alarm her.
“You mean to make sure the bullet you put in me didn’t kill me,” Johanna stared him down.
“Johanna, I swear to you, I knew that David felt something for you. I had myself convinced that you loved him too. I was out of my mind with fever and jealousy. I thought if I hurt you, I would hurt him too. It was a terrible mistake. You don’t love him do you?”
“No, I do not,” Johanna said without hesitation as she bit her lip in anger.
“Will you forgive me?” Malcolm asked.
“I will try,” Johanna said still not letting him get near.
“I will spend the rest of my days making this up to you,” Malcolm stepped closer until he was face to face with her.
“I still don’t know, I want to believe you, you don’t know how badly I want to believe you, but the pirate, Captain Myers, on the merchant ship?” questioned Johanna.
“Think Johanna, what are David’s companions last names?” Malcolm said at a whisper now.
“They are Jacob Evans and Preston…Myers!” Johanna shocked to find out that every time she turned around nothing seemed to be what she believed.
“And the truth shall set you free,” whispered Malcolm as he slowly put his hand to her frosted cheek.
“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” whispered Johanna, just feeling as if she wanted to give up. She put her head in his shoulder as he hugged her tightly.
“I know it will take time, but I still have hope that someday you will consider to be my wife,” Malcolm whispered.
It felt warm being in Malcolm’s arms. When Malcolm mentioned marriage, it jolted her. She was reminded about David’s marriage to Kathleen. She took a deep breath to ward off the pain.
“I knew you were ill Malcolm, I will give you that,” Johanna relented. “Maybe we can discuss this later when I get to Ravensworth.”
“Miss, are you ready to leave?” asked the driver.
Johanna nodded, “Yes, I am, thank you.”
“This is wonderful news!” he gave her his best charming smile, dimples and all.
“I said we will discuss it later,” she reiterated.
“Then I look forward to our next meeting,” he kissed her hand softly and then helped her into the carriage.
Malcolm stood in place as he watched the carriage ride out of sight
. His smile had now morphed into a smirk.
# # #
“You have got to be kidding me,” said David who had now come out of the shadows inside the carriage.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him as her heart skipped a beat confused by his appearance.
David ignored her question,
“Well my Southern Beauty, I didn’t think it possible, but you have definitely surprised me again. You would consider marrying him? After he shot you? Oh, you must be very desperate to get married.”
“Desperation is what drove me to let you, a Northerner, kiss me
several times,” Johanna stared him down.
“Was it desperation or love?” David asked.
Johanna refused to answer. “Why would you bring me to Harrisburg, to ridicule me in front of your family or to parade your little wife around in front of me?”
“Do you think that is why I brought you there?” David asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” Johanna frowned.
“It does matter to me,” David put his hand on hers.
Johanna’s heart pounded in her chest. His touch made her tremble. She looked into his eyes. His sapphire eyes she was convinced she would never see looking at her that way again, and here they were.
“Do you believe I love you?” she asked him.
“I do,” he insisted.
“Well, you’re mistaken,” she said. “Not everyone is in love with you Mr. McPherson.”
“No, not everyone, just you are,” he insisted.
“How do you know that? How could you have possibly convinced yourself that is true? I have never giving you an inkling of hope that I would ever fall for a man like you. A Yankee for goodness sake,” she continued with her insults.
“You aren’t any different than Malcolm, he betrayed me the same as you.”
“If you think that I am anything like Mr. Graystone than you don’t know me at all, Miss Lee,” said David.
“Well, I don’t care to,” she lied. “It’s all lies. No one seems to know how to tell me the truth anymore,” Johanna turned her face toward the window to escape his spell he had on her. “My encounters with the pirates in New Orleans were not from Malcolm and you know it.”
“I do now. I didn’t then. I am sorry. I thought I knew
Preston more than anyone but I too was deceived. I should have known he had pirate blood in him,” David confessed with a bit of a chuckle. “He fits the profile doesn’t he?”
Johanna smiled, “Yes, he definitely does.”
“You don’t know what restrain it took to not want to step out of the carriage and pulverize Malcolm,” he said.
“Why didn’t you?” she asked curious.
“Because I have made too many mistakes with you and I will never put you in harm’s way again,” he stared at her wondering what she was thinking. “So, where do we go from here?” David asked her.
“Well, you are getting married and I am going to live with my family in
Virginia, which is now planning on seceding,” said Johanna “I guess this is where we say our goodbyes.”
David sat next to her now, leaned in and whispered gently, “I am not getting married.”
The words freed her from the pain that she had been carrying within her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to keep her from smiling. All she wanted to do was smile or giggle, or laugh, but there still was so many obstacles in the way. She felt his gaze upon her. She could hear their hearts beating and the horse’s hooves clopping. David put his hands over her cheeks and brought her to him. He kissed her with so much passion she feared she wouldn’t be able to stop. His embrace was all that she had longed for.
“What are we doing?” Johanna stared at David.
“It’s called kissing,” David smiled.
“You know what I mean. Where do you think this is going to go? We live happily ever after?” Johanna now faced with reality.
“Why can’t we? You have to trust me my Beauty. Have a little faith. It will all work out,” David smiled and caressed her cheek.
Just then Johanna looked outside of the carriage and saw Ravensworth approaching and within its borders were soldiers surrounding its grounds.
“Those must be General McClellan’s men,” observed David. He knew he had to leave before he was noticed. “I have one favor to ask you,” David looked at the map that Johanna was holding.
“You want the map,” Johanna now feeling duped.
“It’s not what you think,” he said. “Jacob wants to retire and stay with his family in Harrisburg. Meade will never let him if we go back to him empty handed.”
“So, it’s for Jacob, not for you?” Johanna was still unsure of his intentions.
“Listen, keep the cigar box. I just need to bring the map back. Please I am asking you to trust me,” he pleaded.
She bit her lip deciding her fate, “all right, I will give it to you, but it’s not for you, I am doing it for Jacob and Emma.”
“I know,” he frowned and looked out the window.
They both felt the moment intensify. He would have to depart and leave her alone once again. To Johanna it seemed her once in a lifetime romance would come to an end once David stepped out of her carriage. A foreboding feeling crept over her.
“Wait,” she whispered before he leapt out of the moving carriage. He seemed to know what she was feeling perhaps he was felt it too. He didn’t say a word. He grabbed her with a powerful embrace, kissed her, and then jumped.
# # #
“Johanna,
my dear, you made it,” said Mary Custiss-Lee hugging Johanna. “I am so sorry for leaving Arlington before you came. Are you all right?”
“I am fine, Aunt Mary,” smiled Johanna feeling the warmth of her aunt’s hug. “I am happy to finally be here in one piece.”
“You have been through quite a lot since your parents left,” said Mary with a frown.
“You don’t know the half of it,” said Johanna.
“Well, we can sit and have tea and you can tell me all about it,” smiled Mary.
“That’s sounds wonderful,” said Johanna returning the smile.
“Your uncle should be here soon,” said Mary. “He told me he appointed a young soldier to escort you here. Where is this young man?”
“It is a long story,” sighed Johanna. “Maybe one I should write down one day, for I can’t believe it myself, and I went through it.”
“Was it that bad, my dear?” asked Mary worried about her niece.
“Yes, I would like to hear all about it,” said a voice from the doorway.
“Robert, you are home,” Mary ran to her husband, embracing him.
Robert smiled at his wife and then eyed his niece, “Johanna, I think you and I need to talk.”
“Yes, I think we do,” said Johanna.
# # #
Weeks had passed and although Johanna was thankful to finally be with her family, she missed David and thought of him often. No word came from him and she started to believe that maybe he really did only pretend his affections to get a hold of the map. Everyone was talking about the new Confederate States of
America in which David was no part. Malcolm had continued to pursue her and she began to welcome the company. He did seem to feel regretful about shooting her and eventually she did forgive him.
“Johanna, do you truly forgive me for shooting you?” Malcolm asked as they walked the gardens.
“I do Malcolm,” said Johanna.
“Will you say I do again to me in front of witnesses?” Malcolm smiled.
“Maybe I will,” Johanna smiled back.
“You don’t know how happy you have made me,” Malcolm leaned in and kissed her cheek. “I must leave at once to New Orleans. I have been called to a meeting with your uncle at Fort Pike. I can’t wait to tell him the news!”
“When will you be back?” Johanna asked.
“In two weeks, just enough time for you to plan our wedding,” Malcolm smiled as he walked out the door.