Something Found (18 page)

Chapter 12

“Emily!” It was the fourth time he’d said her name. The first three had been gentle enough but he wasn’t getting any reaction.

“Hmmm?” She still wouldn’t open her eyes.

“It’s nine fifteen. You have to be to work by ten. I’m leaving now.”

Emily opened one eye slowly. Then the other. She couldn’t believe Collin was already showered and dressed.

“There’s coffee and orange juice next to you. I suggest you drink them and get in the shower. You wouldn’t want to upset Orla.” Collin smiled knowing that Orla wouldn’t be upset in the least. But it was amusing to get Emily out of bed this way.

“You’re enjoying this too much,” Emily croaked.

“I certainly am.”

Emily wasn’t really hung over, just tired. Collin had kept her up for some time after they’d left the pub the night before, going on about how much better things were at work. She was annoyed that he could wake up after being up just as late without a problem. He was even smiling which she’d never seen him do on a weekday morning. But by the time she’d showered the coffee was kicking in. She turned on some music and continued to get ready, her spirits rising.

Orla spent the first hour showing Emily the ropes. She started with the most important thing, the coffee machine. “This is the first thing I turn on every morning and in my opinion it’s what keeps the place going.”

Emily feigned shock. “But Orla you’re so organic and coffee really isn’t good for you. I mean you even grow your own vegetables. How could you be a coffee addict?”

“No, Brendan grows the vegetables. I just cook with them.”

“But you sell organic teas.”

“I know,” Orla became apologetic. “And I do drink them. I know they make me feel better. But I can’t help it. I love coffee.”

“But you hide the machine back here in the office where the customers won’t see it.”

“Well . . . .” Emily waited for the sarcastic come back only to be disappointed. “Yeah.”

Orla led her back out into the shop to go over the till which took a little longer. Then she showed her where the backup stock was kept. “And if you’re bored there’s this.” She opened a cabinet of cleaning materials. “I hope you don’t mind.”

Emily smiled. “You’re paying me Orla. I expect to have to work for it.” Orla seemed relieved by her attitude. “Besides I don’t think I could’ve picked a nicer shop in town to work in. Except that I’m going to want to spend all the money I make here too. This place makes me want to redecorate our house all over again and we just finished doing it.”

“Well at least you’ll get a discount.”

Emily warmed to that idea.

“I’ll stay out here with you today. Make sure you’re comfortable before I disappear into the office. Oh, and if you ever want to bring in cds, obviously suitable for the customers, go right ahead.”

“Cool.”

“And at one you can go for a lunch break and I’ll go for mine at two.”

It was funny having these things explained. It was Orla after all. Emily felt like she was playing at work instead of really doing it and she couldn’t keep herself from saying as much. “It just doesn’t feel like work,” Emily explained. “Maybe it’s being in another country. It still kind of feels like I’m on holiday.”

“Well hopefully it’ll stay that way. I like that kind of environment. But every now and then you will get an annoying customer. And around Christmas time, let me tell you, it won’t be very fun. People start going mad that last week. And when they find out you’ve already sold out of something they can go into conniptions.”

Emily laughed. “That’ll be interesting to see.”

“You say that now.”
Emily took a tour of the place while they talked. She wanted to get a feel for the items as well as the prices. She was still amazed by the amount of things Orla sold.

“So how’s Joni?” Orla asked. “It was good of her to stop in with you yesterday. I haven’t actually seen her in ages.”

“Good I guess,” Emily said it lightly, keeping her back to Orla while she examined a mirror.

“I see,” Orla nodded knowingly. “She’s still having problems with Robert.”

Emily turned confused, wondering how Orla could have picked up on that so fast.

Orla laughed. “I could see your expression in the mirror. Worried. Besides I figured it out yesterday. I could tell by the way she was.”

“Oh.”

“They’ve been that way for a while now. I just hoped it was getting better.”

“I don’t really understand it,” Emily confessed. “Robert seems like a nice enough guy. And I would say they both still love each other . . . Did it used to be different?”

“Oh yeah. They used to be fun. I mean really fun. It wasn’t a party without them. Even when they had Leah they were still great craic.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know exactly. I think they stopped talking. Joni didn’t like being a stay at home mom and Robert didn’t like putting on a suit and tie and becoming a salesman. He’s always been a people person and he’s great at the job but he’s not like Kevin.”

Emily already knew Orla wasn’t the type to talk about things behind someone’s back maliciously. That she was being told these things made her feel she’d stepped into the inner circle of the Ryan family. It was a compliment.

“I think by the end of the day they’re both just worn out and they’re not talking anymore.”

“But why doesn’t somebody say something? I mean if everybody knows what the problem is why doesn’t anybody do anything about it?” Emily couldn’t understand.

“Because it’s not our business. You’re very sweet Emily and good intentioned, but I think you’ll find that over here, while we like to know everybody’s business, we don’t talk about it to their faces.”

“Oh.” Emily looked confused and then a little guilty.

Orla’s eyes narrowed. “What’ve you done?”

“Nothing much. I just offered to babysit a week from Friday so that she and Robert could go out.”

“Friday week,” Orla corrected her words to the Irish variation without thinking about it. “Were you pushy about it?”

“I don’t think so.” Emily tried to remember back.

“Well that’s okay then. But I wouldn’t take it much further. They need to figure things out for themselves.”

‘It’s just that Joni and I have been getting on so well lately. And I have to say I didn’t expect it or at least not so soon. I thought she hated me there for a while.”

Orla smiled warmly. “That’s our Joni. She can give off that vibe whether she means to or not. She’s protective of Collin and the rest and doesn’t tend to trust people right away.”

“Gee, ya think.” Emily enjoyed how easy it was to talk about things with Orla.

“Still, even if things are going well I’d be careful. To be honest I’ve budded my nose into her business before. It’s the main reason I don’t see her so much these days.”

“She got that mad?”

“I wouldn’t say she really holds a grudge anymore. And we’re happy to see each other. But it’s not like it used to be.”

Emily met Collin for lunch, reveling in the feel of leaving her own job to do it.

“So how’s it going?” he asked. His eyes were bright and cheerful. It was not the face she’d grown used to greeting every evening.

“Good. Easy enough so far. But Orla’s been spending the day with me. I’m sure it’ll be different when I’m on my own.”

“How’s the head?”

Emily smiled guiltily. “Fine. How ‘bout yours?’

“I’m grand. But then I only had two pints.”

“True.”

Emily had been pleased to see Collin taking his time over each pint instead of gulping them back. He’d actually managed to keep to the same pace she was, which was saying something. It also made her wonder more seriously if she was developing a problem of her own.

Emily had something else on her mind to discuss with Orla when they were both back in the shop. Orla seemed to know everything about Collin’s family and she was easier to talk to about them. There was less chance of offending her.

“Orla,” she said from behind the till, after a few customers had strolled in and eventually left.

Orla was reorganizing one of the shelves. “Yeah.”

“Was there always tension between Collin and Kevin?”

Orla stopped what she was doing. “Why? Is it still that bad?”

“No, no, no,” Emily reassured her. “Collin’s become a completely different person over the course of a few days. He and Kevin really got into it on Monday and I think they both finally got some things off their chests. I was just wondering how long it’d been going on, that’s all.”

“Their whole lives.” Orla shook her head as she turned back to face the shelf. “But I suppose it got worse after their mam. Kevin’s,” she searched for the right words, “well, he’s just different from the rest of the family.” Then she turned back to face Emily again. “The rest of them are a lot more laid back. He’s motivated in a different way. It causes some tension, but I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s his fault.”

“I just hope this new peace will last between them.”

“If they’re finally working things out that’s great. It’s been needed for some time,” Orla agreed. “It’s not just Kevin by any means though. Collin can be pigheaded too. Actually I’d say it runs in the family. But he’s a grown man and it’s up to him to decide how things are going to turn out for him. He blames things on Kevin that aren’t Kevin’s fault.”

“My husband? Pigheaded? Never!” Emily laughed. “Why he’s a perfect angel.”

“Right. And Brendan is king of the fairies.”

Chapter 13

Emily had pushed her mother’s letter out of her mind after hanging up the phone with her considering the situation out of her hands for the moment. She’d done her part and that was all she could do. But then, very quietly Friday afternoon, the letter dropped through the mail slot to land in their front hall.

Possibly it lay there for a couple hours before Emily passed and noticed it. It was under a bill and an ad for Domino’s pizza. She picked them all up sorting through them on the way to the kitchen. She froze for only a second when she recognized the American stamps. Then she placed it on the table with the rest of the mail and moved away from it. She wasn’t ready.

She tried to finish folding the laundry but her hands were too unsteady. She looked at the small pile of dishes to be done and knew that was an even more laughable idea. She’d end up breaking every single one of them.

No matter how much she wanted to ignore it, the only thing in the world that existed for her was the envelope and the waiting letter within it. Emily considered taking it upstairs and burying it under her pillow. With it out of sight she might be able to forget it. But it was Friday and once Collin came home in the evening she wouldn’t have another chance to be alone with it until Monday. She knew she couldn’t wait that long.

Approaching the table warily Emily caressed the sticker with her mother’s address. Her finger ran over the precise writing in black ink that spelled out her own name and address. She could see the faintest hint of where her mother had started to write a B for Brennan instead of an R for Ryan. It would’ve been the first time her mom had to write that out.

With careful fingers Emily carried the letter to the couch. She needed to brace herself for whatever was coming. She’d honestly thought she’d rip the letter open as soon as it arrived. But it was different when it was sitting in front of her. When all the answers to all the questions she’d been asking her whole life were sitting in the palm of her hand. It was something she would’ve killed for when she was younger, when she was starving for her mother’s love and wondering who her father was. But Emily no longer believed there were solid answers to all her old questions. Who could really say what the truth was? She was more afraid of the new questions it would bring.

Emily’s hands shook but she eventually managed to open the envelope and unfold the letter. She was surprised to find that it was hand written. Whenever her mother wrote Christmas cards or letters to friends she always typed them. Emily was even more surprised to flip through quickly and find four pages with scattered tear marks throughout. She’d been focused on how hard it might be for her to read it. She hadn’t considered how hard it was for her mother to write it.

Her head popped up and she sought the comfort of Jeremy. She wanted him close, sitting next to her on the couch. She wanted him to reach out and hold her the way he used to when she was a scared little girl. But of course that was impossible. She’d always known to put limitations on what she wanted from him. From the beginning she’d known that. Why was she trying to push those boundaries now?

Dear Emily,

Already that sounds too formal for what I want to say. But then I’m not exactly sure what it is I want to say. I wish I could do things all over again. Take you into my arms as the little girl you were and make everything right for you. But I can’t. All I can do is apologize and explain belatedly. I want to be able to find the words to let you know how sorry I am for messing things up so much. And to let you know how much I really do love you.

I guess it’s best to start at the beginning. You deserve to know how it all began. I should have told you years ago. I never should have kept it a secret, kept it a mystery, to grow in your mind.

When I was nineteen-years-old I was taking a secretarial course in Michigan. You know that part. I was happy Emily. I had friends. I used to go out. You’d never guess it, but I like to think I had some kind of wild times. At least I used to know how to laugh. That was the same year I met your father, Mathew.

Emily could tell there was a pause in the writing. Her mother’s straight up and down letters began to ramble a little more across the page.

Honestly, he was a handsome man, charismatic, and funny. It’s hard to think back to, but he was. He made me brave just by the way he looked at me. He could light a room with his smile. The same way you can when you want to. You have his eyes too, so full of expression. But his hair was blond and his face was rounder than yours. All the girls liked him. And when he said he loved me I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I know these are all things you should already know. I should have told you when you were young before it ever had a chance to become difficult. But it still hurt too much to talk about. I was selfish, sparing myself the pain.

We dated for two years. I thought I knew him. I thought we were meant to be. It just seemed so natural, so right. I could see the future for us. It wasn’t anything big or amazing, just something simple and happy. I felt so safe in his arms, like nothing bad could ever happen to us. I never in a million years thought he would leave me.

I had almost finished my course when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared but I thought everything would be alright. Even then Emily I knew that I wanted you. Before I knew if you were a boy or a girl I knew you were precious. I never doubted that.

Mathew ( I’ll try not to refer to him as the bastard. That was never fair of me.) was scared when I first told him the news, but he seemed to get over it. He said we would get through it. He even went to the doctor with me for every check-up in the beginning. He started to think of names and described the house we’d have in years to come. He seemed to be excited.

It wasn’t until the fifth month of the pregnancy that he started missing a few doctor’s appointments. He asked me to go with my sister instead. He said he was busy at work. I guess I knew deep down that something was wrong, but I didn’t want to admit it. I thought he just had the jitters that it would work itself out. He had said we’d get married, that he was just looking for the perfect little chapel. He even bought me a little ring and said he’d get me a bigger one as soon as we could afford it. But he never introduced me to his family. They all lived on the east coast. He said it was too far while I was pregnant. And we stopped hanging out with most of his friends. When I stopped to think about it, which I tried not to do, I began to feel like a secret.

It was during the seventh month that he disappeared completely. We weren’t living together yet. He kept promising we’d be married soon and then we’d do things properly. I know I should have put my foot down but every time I argued with him he got so upset. I hated seeing him that way. He said he’d find us the perfect apartment before you were born, but he was gone before that happened. He disappeared into thin air.

The writing on the page was becoming more frantic and Emily could see the tearstains. Then suddenly it became clear and controlled and more legible again.

I guess I could have tried harder to find him. Carolyn suggested it. But at first I was too distraught and I had my hands full with you. And later I just didn’t see the point. I couldn’t force him to come back to us.

But there was one day, about two weeks after you were born, we’d moved in with Carolyn, and I got this phone call. When I answered nobody said anything. But I stayed on the line. I said his name and I heard him catch his breath. I must have stayed on that phone for a full five minutes listening to someone breathing. And then I hung up. I’m sorry about that Emily. I still feel guilty about it. Maybe if I’d stayed on the phone, found the right words to say, maybe he would have spoken, maybe I could’ve convinced him to come home. But I was tired and I was hurt and I was angry and I felt if I waited for him to speak one minute longer I’d go crazy.

So that’s the beginning. And you came into the world with a mother who was angry most of the time and an aunt who was in mourning. And I was scared of you Emily. I loved you so much and you were so tiny and perfect but I didn’t feel that I deserved you. I felt like I’d already let you down. And some part of me thought you would leave me too. And I was so afraid to get attached to you because of it. I hate to admit it but that self-pity lasted for almost three years. I let myself get away with too much, feeling sorry for myself for too long instead of realizing what I had. And when I finally woke up and did realize what I had, an amazing daughter, you had already stopped trusting me.

I tried Emily. I really did try, whether you saw it or not. But you were already so attached to Jeremy. Whatever I did you thought he did better. I know that sounds ridiculous, competing with an eight-year-old, but that’s how it felt. He was the one you went to when you were upset. He’s the one who bandaged your cuts and scared away the boogieman for you. And I couldn’t be angry about it. You two cared about each other so much. You already had something I never had. So I let him take care of you. He did such an amazing job of it. Of course I was there, I watched and I was ready to step in if you ever reached out for me, but it seemed like you never did. Maybe that’s just more self-pity though. I was working so hard then just trying to support us. I was tired a lot and not wholly there when I was home. I don’t blame you Emily. I know what happened was my fault. You were a child. You did what felt safe. But I didn’t know how to win you back. I still don’t. But I want to. Even though you live in Ireland now, I still desperately want you in my life in whatever way you’re comfortable with.

I guess there’s more. There’s Jeremy’s death, which affected all of us. There’s meeting Hank and finding my own happiness, my own peace again. You always seemed happy for me about that. Distant, but happy. That meant a lot to me. I know you must have more questions. And you’re probably still very angry. But I’d rather have you yell at me than not talk to me at all. I want to get things right Emily. More than anything I want to get things right. I hope it’s not too late.

Contact me in whatever way you’re most comfortable. I’ll be waiting.

Love,

Mom

Tears were streaming steadily down Emily’s face by the time she came to the end of the letter. Hitting the pages they added to the marks her mother’s had left. But she wasn’t sure who she was crying for.

She wanted to pick up the phone and call home instantly, to make everything right. She wanted to erase the past and start all over again. But she knew it wouldn’t be that easy. She had explaining to do as well. She was just as guilty as her mom in ways. She’d seen her mother trying and walked away from those attempts on many occasions, refusing to take any responsibility for her actions.

Emily placed the letter in front of her as if it were something precious too fragile to touch. She cradled her arms around herself and let the pain emerge from all the hidden spots inside. She’d made so many mistakes. Even after Jeremy’s death she’d preferred his company to her mother’s. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. And if she wasn’t careful she’d do the same with Collin. She’d run away from too many things in her life, refusing to face up to her own role in them.

Guilt washed over her. Things had to change.

“I’m going to have to say goodbye to you,” Emily sobbed.

She pictured him perfectly this time. It had been a while since she’d taken the time to painstakingly reconstruct him. She got the look in his eyes exactly right, the smile, the slouch when he sat, and the way he cocked his head to the side. She wanted to hold the memory of him to her. She didn’t want to let go. But it was time.

“I feel mean doing it.” She said the words in a full speaking voice, unashamed of what she was doing. “I’m scared to let go of you because then I’ll start to forget and I don’t want to forget things. Once I start to forget it’ll be like you’re dying all over again. I feel untrue to you and you’ve always been true to me.” She couldn’t help this need to explain herself, to apologize. “But if I don’t let go I’ll always be back there living in our safe little world. And even if you were still alive I know we wouldn’t have that. We’d have moved on to other things that allowed for other people to enter in. Right now I don’t know how to let other people in fully and hold onto you. And I need Collin. I really need him to keep me grounded, to make things real. And I need my mom too.” Emily’s voice faded out as the tears took over.

She held that last image of him with her eyes closed. It was the look he always gave her when she learned something new as a child. It was a mixture of pride and sadness. He had never meant for her to be a little girl forever, he’d always been the first to push her along the path to adulthood. He would’ve hated the thought that in the end he was the one holding her back.

Emily held onto that look for as long as she could, her arms tightly wrapped around herself. Jeremy didn’t say anything to her because there was nothing left for him to say. She wouldn’t hear his voice again. She’d let go.

An hour passed before Emily opened her eyes. She’d cried harder than she had the day of Jeremy’s funeral. She had more things to mourn this time, more things to let go of. Eventually she cried herself out and fell into a deep exhausted sleep.