Socially Awkward (15 page)

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The more time passed without a response from Sean, the more nervous I became. He wanted to hang out with me, then didn’t want to make plans?  People are busy, I get it, but come on. It had only been two days, so I couldn’t say that he was really blowing me off… b
ut it still irked me. 

I had to fight off my suspicions that Sean’s message had all been part of his own scheme.
I'd been down this road enough to understand what
could be
going on here.  Sean wanted to get to Olivia and so he was willing to go through what he thought was the closest channel: me.  This had been happening in my life since grade school, when Jay Matthews asked me what kind of music Claire liked so he could make her the perfect mix tape. I'd been only too kind to oblige then, just happy that someone with such good looks as Jay would even talk to me, but that singular incident set a precedent for the rest of my life. Or, Claire's life.

In fact, Tom was one of the few men who didn't want me to help him get into Claire's pants.
That meant h
e was either really interested in her for her, not for the sex
, o
r he was such an egotistical maniac that he didn't think he would need any help capt
uring and keeping her attention
. It was probably the latter, b
ut it was still too soon to say
.

But Sean, on the other hand,
might be going
about this the devious way. He would pretend to friend me, make himself look like a good guy--you know, friend of the closest friend, and therefore, eligible for dating or sleeping with
—
and wait to catch Olivia's attention. I'd danced this dance before and let me tell you, it hurt a lot more when you thought they were your friends and then they turned out to be using you.  That even happened with a girl once, back in high school, who was convinced she could turn Claire to "the other side" and used me as her dearest friend and closest confidant while she staged her "coming out." That one stung quite a bit.

This time, with Sean the one steering the ship, I didn't think I could handle it.  I knew how this was going to turn out and I didn't like it one bit.

Wait a minute, I stopped myself. I'm the new and improved Jennifer Smith now and this one takes no prisoners. What if I could turn the tables on Sean instead? He might be after Olivia now, but
w
ith me playing both sides, I had a real shot at changing Sean's mind about this whole scenario. Then, I'd just say Olivia moved out of town, delete her profile, and live happily ever after.

Sean would never know what hit him.

****

If I had Sean figured out by now, I had absolutely no idea what to do with Noah. One day, he’s kissing me in the gym when no one is around to see. The next day, he’s back to “professional” mode like the whole thing never happened. I wanted to tell myself that it was because we couldn’t get a moment alone together, but not even I can fool myself that badly. See, he was going through the motions as usual, but there was something weird going on.

While
it was nice to see Noah’s familiar face at the gym
, it left me feeling uneasy
.
I took less comfort as he
count
ed
out my reps and
eyed
my form. He worked me through our usual circuit with a quiet fire burning behind his eyes. He looked intense, totally swept away and in the moment. For a change, it made me feel like the one with even footing
, like he was quietly hoping I had the answer to some desperate question for him.

After our workout session ended, however, I quickly learned what his fierce intensity had been all about.

“How’s your sister doing?” Noah asked, passing me a clean towel to wipe down the elliptical. “It’s been a whole week and I haven’t heard you say a word about her.”

“Well, she’s not here, is she? Why would I want to talk about Claire?”

“Whoa, sorry,” he said, putting his hands up in surrender. “I was just wondering how she was…”

Dammit. I should’ve known h
e was thinking about Claire, and how to get closer to her.
He
offered a nervous smile. “So, um… Jen. Do you want to get dinner together some time?”

I cleared my throat. “Listen, Noah, if you’re looking for information about my sister…”

“Your sister?” He looked genuinely puzzled. “What are you talking about?”

“You know… hot guy meets my sister, who doesn’t give him the time of day. Then I come along, the innocent, frumpy-looking sister…”

“Jen, you’re not frumpy-looking.” Noah said, his tone hardening.

I waved him off. “The point is, I know what you’re after and I can’t help you. Claire isn’t exactly
single
right now
anyway
, so I can’t help you get any closer to her. Okay?”

“What do you mean, she’s not
exactly single anymore
?” His eyebrows lowered. “What happened?”

“
She and Tom are getting pretty serious, from the look of it
,” I tried to
stay nonchalant
and shrug him off.
His face contorted into an expression I couldn’t read, but I could guess it was disappointment. I couldn’t believe I’d been letting him use me, just like everyone else.
“Have a good night, Noah.”

Crossing the gym, I grabbed my sweatshirt from the coat rack and slipped it over my head. I was sweaty and sticky, but I knew how cold it would be outside, so the sweatshirt was a must. It clung to my skin, flattening my damp hair against the back of my neck. I tossed a casual wave over my shoulder to Noah as I neared the door. So when I turned back and saw him blocking the only exit, it startled me a little bit.  I dropped my gym bag.

“How did you do that? I didn’t hear you…”

Noah held his hand out, palm up, and unfurled his fingers. He was holding my hearing aids, which I’d left behind me in the rush. I snatched them greedily from his hands and turned my back to him so I could put them back in.

“Why are you ashamed of them?”

I bit my lip and turned to face him. “I’m not, okay? They’re just… it’s personal. It’s like someone touching your deodorant or something.”

Noah smirked, shaking his head. “Well, I like them. They make you different.”

“Don’t I know it?” I said sarcastically. “Listen, I really have to get going…”

“Please come out with me. I just want to talk.”

“About Claire? The one who doesn’t need help hearing you sneak up on her?”

“To hell with Claire!” Noah said, grabbing my arm. His gentle grip closed around my elbow, forcing me to look into his eyes. I’d never seen him angry before and I found myself fascinated by how handsome he could still be, even in this state. “You might find this hard to believe, but I want to talk to you. I want to talk to Jennifer.”

“I’m sorry, Noah, it’s just not a good time for me to be…” I blinked, searching my brain for the end of that sentence. For me to be what? What was I trying to get out of here? “To be… seeing anyone.”

“What does that even mean?”

We stared at each other for a l
ong while, as my brain did cart
wheels around and around. If he wasn’t interested in Claire—genuinely and completely not interested in my sister—this was a first. No one ever chose me over Claire. And even know that I was taking better care of myself, you’d think the last person to show any interest would be the guy who sees me at my worst on a regular basis. Trainers are supposed to be eye candy and motivators, not dating material.
Right?

“I’m just… I have a lot going on right now.” My eyes started tearing up at the thought of just how much.
I couldn’t explain to Noah that I was waiting to work things out with someone else. The words hurt too much to even think.

“So tell me about it
,” he said, his eyes creasing with concern.

I bit back the tears and shook my head.

He squeezed my hand, his eyes searching mine. “I’m here to talk, whenever you need it, Jen. I know you think I’m just some trainer, screaming in your face, but I’d like to be your friend too. If you’ll let me.”

“Can I hug you?” I said, suddenly, catching myself by surprise. Something about his kindness had opened something up inside of me. I needed a human connection, someone to understand me. I needed human contact, too.

Noah raised one eyebrow, considering me. “On one condition. You have to let me hug you back.”

Laughing, I wiped away one stray tear with the back of my hand. I stretched up onto my tiptoes to reach my arms around his neck and squeezed as tightly as I could. Noah, his arms around my waist, was squeezing too, although gently enough not to crush me.

I don’t want to sound like a creep or anything, but I’d never hugged a guy so muscly before.
Even when we’d touched before, sharing that amazing kiss, I hadn’t had the wherewithal to observe what Noah really felt like
. His whole body was firm, but not overly hard.
H
is skin still
felt
supple on top of the
hardened
muscles.
I was
nice and warm
,
encircled by his arms, safe almost. He made me feel so tiny, even with extra weight still on my frame. I felt like I could curl up here in his arms and be protected from everyone and everything.
It was tempting, but it wasn’t the plan.

When I let go, he didn’t. Rather, he tightened his grip on my waist. I leaned back to look up at him, eye to eye, and smiled.

“Thanks for the hug, Noah, I needed—“

But I never got to finish that sentence, because Noah leaned in and pressed his mouth to mine. It was the kind of spontaneous thing that shouldn’t have surprised me, coming from him. My reaction, however, was the surprising part. As soon as his lips touched mine, I felt something inside of me just collapse, like my heart fell out of my chest or my stomach bottomed out. A thrill raced through my body, and I had to try very, very hard to maintain my composure. I forced myself not to give in to my impulses, because it wasn’t going to be pretty if I caved.

And as soon as I had the thought, I realized how wrong this
was
. Claire and Tom had started out something like this, and
that wasn’t the kind of thing I was after. The fantasies were fun, but they needed to stay fantasies.
I wanted him to keep kissing me so badly, but I kn
ew I couldn’t let this go any fu
rther
, not if I wanted to be with Sean, with a clear conscience
. I pushed off of
Noah’s
wide shoulders, breaking us apart.

Noah looked stunned, dropping his arms to his sides. “Jen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so carried away. I swear I was just going to hug you.”

“No, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have…” I shook off one last tear as I flung my bag onto my shoulder. With my hand on the door, I turned back to him. “I really can’t get involved with anyone right now, Noah. I’m sorry.”

And I left him standing there, alone in the gym, as I climbed into my car and drove off into the night. I cried the whole way home.

****

While I hadn’t exactly full
y
disclos
ed
to
Noah
all my reservations about dating h
i
m, I hadn’t lied about
Claire and Tom getting more serious. What had started off as the old “let me check my schedule” attitude from Tom had become unbridled devotion in the days since. In fact, I kept finding him in my apartment, which was only slightly annoying. It was nice that Claire was so happy and finally seemed to be with someone who treated her right, but Tom was just not among my favorite people. For my sister, I tolerated his presence.