So Much It Hurts (25 page)

“Well, what happened? Did Trevor win Prom King and live happily ever after?” Chris joked.

“Actually, no.” I smiled, thinking back to the day they took Trevor away in handcuffs. “A few days after the Winter Formal I found Eva crying in the bathroom. With a little coaxing, she admitted to me that Trevor had been abusive to her. He raped her too, Chris. I felt terrible. I wish I would’ve listened to you and told someone before he did it to someone else.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

“I know. I try not to, but it’s hard sometimes. Anyway, Eva and I ended up going to the authorities with the truth. It was a big mess for a while, but he ended up taking a plea bargain that made him serve five years in prison.”

“Good. That asshole deserved every day he spent behind bars, and then some.”

“I absolutely agree. So tell me, what happened to you after juvie? Did you go back to high school? Did you graduate?” I had finally narrowed the million questions I had in my head down to three.

Chris looked at me; an undeterminable emotion crossed his face. He seemed to be having an internal debate, maybe deciding how much to divulge to me.

“Well, I didn’t go back to high school. I got my GED while I was in juvie. I didn’t want to have to go back to that hell hole.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“When I got out of juvie, I lived at home for a while. But that just wasn’t working out. It’s hard to come back home, living under your mom’s wing, when you’ve been so used to living without her for so long. I worked a few odd jobs and worked as a cashier at a convenience store for a while. That was probably the longest running job I had before moving to the beach.”

“What made you decide to move down here?”

A sidelong glance told me he didn’t really want to hash out details, but he sighed and answered anyway, “A girl.”

“Oh,” I said, embarrassed.

“No, it’s okay. I mean, it was a few years ago. I met this girl at a party back home. We hung out a few times, then she left town to come down here to college. I thought to myself, what the hell? The following weekend, I packed my stuff and moved here to be closer to her.”

“What happened? Are you still with her?”

Chris’s sad and distant stare indicated his answer before he even spoke. For a moment, he seemed to leave the here and now, lost in thought, reminiscing about a time gone by. “No, we’re not together anymore,” he said absently.

I didn’t pry. I didn’t want to upset him. He already seemed on the verge of tears. I watched him, staring off into the distance and seemingly unaware of my gaze.

Reaching up, he caressed a small scar in his eyebrow; a pained looked flashed in his eyes. “She died.”

“I’m sorry.” I was so shocked, it was all I could think to say.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and creased his eyebrows.

“I didn’t mean to bring it up. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. It helps to talk about it sometimes. I had been living here about six months when it happened. She was supposed to be going back home that weekend to visit her parents. But, I talked her into staying that Friday night to go to a party my boss was throwing, and heading out on Saturday morning instead.” Clenching his fists by his side, he gritted his teeth and flexed his jaw muscle. He fought hard to keep his tears at bay by squeezing his eyes shut. I could see a look of painful regret spreading across his face. Only the redness around his eyes gave away any hint of sadness. The rest of his body exuded anger. “I was driving that night. We were on our way to the party, arguing about something. I don’t even remember what we were arguing about now. I just remember that she punched my shoulder, not even hard enough to hurt me, but just hard enough to cause me to cross the center line. I over-corrected, ran off the road in a sharp curve, and lost control. The last thing I remember is screaming while we flipped down an embankment, and then silence, except for the hissing steam coming from the radiator. I woke up two days later in the hospital, but Noelle was…gone.” He choked out a single sob, but restrained the rest.

I leaned into him, pressing my head against his shoulder, gently rubbing my hand across his shoulders in an effort to console him.

“I should have just let her go—let her go home on Friday night like she had planned.”

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered. My heart broke for him. I couldn’t imagine the guilt he had been harboring for so many years, carrying the burden like Atlas carried the world on his shoulders.

He continued, “I couldn’t even look at her parents at her funeral. They knew I had talked her into staying down here with me that night to go to a party. They knew I was the one driving. The only thing that redeemed me was the fact that I hadn’t been drinking…
yet
. I should have let her go home that night. I shouldn’t have been arguing with her, and I shouldn’t have been driving so fast.” Tears brimmed in his eyes.

“None of this is your fault, Chris. It was just a terrible, horrific tragedy. Accidents happen. You have to stop blaming yourself.”

Chris slumped his shoulders and sighed. “That’s what the grief counselors at the hospital told me. You can see how well that worked out.” He looked down at his feet, heedlessly digging his toes in the sand. “You know what I think the hardest thing about all of this is?”

“What?” I asked.

“Knowing that Noelle sacrificed her life for someone who wasn’t in love with her.”

I stared at him, astounded, unsure of what to say. He stared back at me; regret and sadness manifested across his face.

In a moment of sudden clarity, he said, “Oh my god! I remember what we were arguing about now!”

“What?”

“You.”

Horrified by his answer, I screeched, “Me? Why me?”

“Well, not
you
per se, but Noelle knew I wasn’t completely into her. We had been on dates, and I had hung out with her and her roommates a lot, but she knew I wasn’t in love with her. The accident happened around the same time I wrote that song,
In Love with a Memory
. That song meant everything to me. Writing it, at that time, was my lifeline and a desperate attempt to ease my heartache. She knew it, and she was jealous. I guess I don’t really blame her. But, I remember now. It was the first time I had heard the song being played on the radio. She wanted to change the station, and the argument began. She flipped to another station, and I switched it back. That happened several times before she finally hauled off and punched me on the shoulder.” He looked sadly at the ground. “I should have just let her change the station,” he whispered.

We walked the rest of the way in silence. The quiet between us would have seemed awkward to anyone else, but to us it was pleasant. The chemistry between us felt so natural. It didn’t matter if we were talking, silent, happy, or sad. It all just fell into place so naturally. Our souls felt connected like two pieces of a puzzle. I missed that feeling. I missed the feeling of
just being
with someone, without any expectations. What a refreshing feeling!

“Looks like the girls are winning,” Chris said as we got closer to the group.

I laughed. The girls were sitting on the sand, watching Jeremy and Tommy toss the ball back and forth between them, strutting around and showing off like roosters in a hen house.

“I guess so,” I agreed.

“Well, I guess we better get going,” Chris announced to the guys as he intercepted the ball.

“Yeah, we need to practice our set for tonight,” Tommy said, winking at Tori.

“You girls gonna be there?” Jeremy flashed his smile at Lisa who grinned back.

“Definitely,” Shannon confirmed, glancing at Chris and me as she said it. “We wouldn’t miss it.”

“Too bad you girls aren’t gonna be here next weekend. We’re opening for The Rifters.” Tommy strummed his air guitar for effect.

“Wow, I wish we could see that. I hear that Seth Jordan is a sexy beast,” Shannon teased him. “I guess you give him a real run for his money, huh?”

“You got that right, babe,” Tommy pursed his lips and nodded his head with confidence, jutting his chin out as if to proudly proclaim his player status.

Chris searched my eyes. I recognized the sadness in them because it was the same feeling welling up inside of me. While I was as happy as I could be that I had bumped into him after all these years, I knew the inevitable was coming—
goodbye.
I wanted this weekend to last forever.

“See you tonight,” Chris whispered.

I just nodded as my eyes glossed over.

I sat nervously in the booth with my fingers fidgeting in my lap. I had unbuttoned and re-buttoned my sweater at least twenty times. I tried not to concern myself with the inevitability of seeing Chris again, but even the ring on my finger could not stop my heart from beating out of my chest. As much as I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, there was still a tiny corner of my heart that Chris occupied, even after all these years.

“So, girls, what are we drinking tonight?” Lisa piped up as we waited for our appetizers. “It’s Amaretto Sours for me. Those are definitely my favorite.”

“I love the Cotton Candy Cosmos!” Shannon shouted over the loud music.

“Me too,” My voice cracked anxiously.

“Well, I love me some Mango Margaritas. You girls don’t know what you’re missing!” Tori cried.

“Oh don’t worry. I’ll have one of each!” Lisa squealed excitedly.

Geez, we really don’t get out much
, I laughed inwardly.

Casually, I glanced toward the bar to see if
he
had arrived yet.
Bummer…

Lisa playfully bumped her shoulder into mine. “Who are you looking for, Kaitlyn?” she teased.

“No one, just looking for our waiter,” I fibbed.

“Well, honey, if you were looking for Chris, we’d
all
understand! He’s a major hottie!” Shannon giggled like a giddy teenager. The others nodded in agreement.

“Speak of the devil…” Tori’s voice trailed off as she looked toward the door.

My heart immediately started racing in my chest. I ducked down, trying to avoid being seen.

“Kaitlyn, I’ve never seen you this way. That guy really has an effect on you,” Shannon declared.

Lisa announced, “He’s looking around the room. I think he’s looking for you!”

“Geez, Lisa, don’t make it so obvious!” I hissed.

“Okay, okay. Uh oh, too late. He just saw me.” She ducked down. “Here he comes,” she whispered loudly.

I caught my breath. My cheeks burned and I broke out in a nervous sweat. Quickly, I ripped off my sweater. I figured damp armpit stains wouldn’t look very attractive.

“Ladies,” Chris turned on the charm as he approached our table. “Welcome back to Captain Joe’s.”

“Hi, Chris,”...”Hey,”...”Hello.” All the girls spoke in unison.

“Kaitlyn.” Chris grinned as he gave a gentleman’s bow.

“Hey, Chris.” My voice wavered as I gave a bashful smile.

“I was hoping you ladies would be here. We’re performing tonight at ten. I hope y’all can stay for our show.”

“Absolutely,” Shannon affirmed readily.

“Great!” He gave his award-winning smile. “Kaitlyn, if you get a few minutes, I’d love to catch up with you again. Maybe we could go for a walk on the beach later.”

“Uh...” I hesitated.

Shannon piped up. “She’d love to.”

“Shannon…” Tori hissed in a reprimanding tone, shaking her head with disapproval.

Chris just winked at me. “Okay, great. I’m looking forward to it.”

I just smiled at him like a buffoon as he turned around and walked away in search of his band mates.

Tori spoke up. “So, what do you girls wanna sing tonight? I vote for
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
.”

“I vote for
Pour Some Sugar on Me
,” Lisa countered.

“Girls, girls, girls...” Shannon laughed, shaking her head. “I say we bring the house down with
Love Shack
.”

I just sat there, aloof and bewildered.
Was I seriously about to take a walk on the beach, in the dark, alone with the man of my dreams from eight years ago? What would Michael say?