Skin Deep (27 page)

SUMMER
1975

It was as if a curse had been lifted from the house, because his father had been scheduled to fly for the next week. In the intervening days before going to New York, Kirk had called three times to apologize, but Lila hung up on him. He even sent a telegram saying he was sorry, that he was drunk and ran his mouth. But she tore it up. And on Wednesday they left for New York City.

They flew first class because it made Lila feel jet-setty. And using Kirk's name she got their tickets for free.

He had been on planes before, but never first class, where the stewardess served them freshly cut roast beef from a cart, fancy vegetables, and curly fries. Lila even let him sip her champagne. She was nervous but in high spirits, insisting that he was her good luck charm.

They landed at Kennedy Airport and took a cab into Manhattan, where they checked into the Algonquin Hotel, which Lila said was a great old gathering place for theater people and writers. Because it was a convention weekend, their previously reserved room had mistakenly been double-booked, and the only available accommodation was the bridal suite. But the hotel said that they would not be charged the bridal suite rate. Lila rolled her eyes in exaggerated dismay and said, “Well, we'll just have to make-do.”

Giggling, they went up with the bellhop and dropped off their things. The place was an elegant three-room complex with a large master bedroom with a king-size bed, a kitchenette, and a living room with a baby grand piano. It was overdone, she said, and Kirk wouldn't have approved. But this was her big chance, so what the heck! Besides, Kirk wasn't here.

Even before Harry Dobbs had called about the screen test, Kirk said that Lila was chasing white rabbits. But it was clear from his attack at the wedding how much he was threatened by her move toward independence. If she ever established herself and became financially independent, she said that she would divorce him.

The audition was scheduled for ten o'clock the next morning, so they walked around Central Park and down Fifth Avenue and over to West Forty-ninth Street where they toured the NBC studios, then took the elevator to the Rainbow Room. They ate dinner at the Brasserie, which Lila said was where lots of newlyweds came. By eight thirty they were back in their suite because Lila wanted to get a good night's sleep so she'd be rested for the screen test. She showered in the large bathroom then changed into a long white nightgown. When she was through, he showered then came to bed in his T-shirt and underpants. When he opened the bathroom door, the place was dark. His heart sank because she was in bed with her back toward his side. He crawled under the covers.

“Good night,” she whispered over her shoulder.

Maybe it was a test, he told himself. Or maybe she really was too tired. He sidled up to her and whispered, “Good night,” looking for a sign. She rolled over and kissed him on the cheek, then turned back on her side away from him.

He lay beside her in the dark, feeling crushed. They had had such an exciting day, and now she rejected him. All he wanted was for her to hold him. To press herself against him, to rekindle the fire she had started. But she did not turn, and in a few minutes she was making feathery sleep-breathing sounds.

For maybe half an hour he lay awake listening to her. Listening to his heart click in his ears, kept awake not by hurt but by the anger gurgling in his blood.

The next morning Lila arose before him and was in the bathroom. When she emerged, she was dressed and ready to leave. She gave him a peck on the forehead. “Wish me luck.”

“Yeah, break a leg.”

“Thanks,” and she was gone.

He got up and took his medicine because his head was throbbing painfully.

The tryout was held someplace in Greenwich Village. Even if he could have joined her, she did not want him present in case it didn't go well. That was just as well since his head hurt so badly that he went back to bed and slept until noon. He took another painkiller and went downstairs and got lunch in the restaurant. After that he walked up Broadway and wandered around until about two, then headed back to the room to wait for Lila. He felt miserable.

It was around four when she called the room. Her voice was flat, and her only message was: “I'm in the bar.”

He could barely breathe as he stumbled out of the room and made his way to the elevator, his heart pounding violently, fearing that he might throw up in front of the other passengers. But he didn't. On the first floor he made his way across the lobby and to the bar, feeling faint.

Lila was alone at a rear table, a glass of dark liquor in her hand. Her face looked like a death mask. As he shuffled over to her he thought he might actually not make it, that he would pass out and crash onto the floor. But as he approached, her face opened up like a flower.

“I got it.” She threw her arms around his neck, and he did all he could not to burst into tears.

From the bar Harry Dobbs came over with his drink in hand, his face beaming. “You should've seen her,” he chortled. “She was terrific. She knocked the casting director off her ass. Be proud of your mom, son, she's going places.” He guzzled down his drink and clunked it on their table. “Gotta go and let you two celebrate.” He slapped him on the shoulder and gave Lila a kiss. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so enjoy the ride, gorgeous.”

The waitress came over and he ordered a Roy Rogers. “So tell me about it.”

“Well,” she said, and told him all about the audition. About the young tyro actress named Jodie Foster who played a prostitute, how talented and pretty she was—a part Lila could have done were she fourteen herself. She told him how Martin Scorsese was there and how he came up after her reading to say that she was great. “They're going to start shooting my scenes next week, would you believe?”

“Can I go?”

“Of course. You're my good luck charm.”

He sipped the warmth from her eyes and felt his insides glow.

They took dinner in the dining room across the hall. Like the bar, the room was dim and furnished in dark wood and red leather with large gold-framed paintings on the walls. The waiters were dressed in tuxedoes. She ordered two appetizers, oysters Rockefeller and grilled tomatoes. He had a steak with fries and salad. Throughout the meal Lila was animated, looking happier than he had ever seen her.

As he sat across from her, he couldn't help but think how beautiful she really was. As Harry Dobbs had once said, she had perfect facial architecture, a face with no bad angles—as if God had made her with His own hands. She was dressed in a beige pantsuit and a white blouse. Her hair was like sunglow.

“What's it like to be you?” he asked.

“Now there's a question I've not heard before.”

“I mean, what does it feel like to be so beautiful, to have people look at you like you're a famous painting?”

“Wow. That's very sweet of you, but I'm not sure how to answer that. But looks aren't everything.”

“Still, it must be something else to be you.”

Ever since she was a child her face had unlocked doors. It was all there in her photo album—even in the early ads for facial soaps, hot chocolate, and peanut butter. Then winning a teenage beauty contest in Macon, which led to a national TV commercial for face cream. For years she had become known as “the Creamella Girl.” That was followed by her first movie role, an uncredited slave girl to Lex Barker in
Tarzan and the Slave Girl
, which got her a television appearance on
Lassie
back in the 1950s. Over the years she continued doing small parts, but nothing, she said, with the promise of
Taxi Driver,
which would give her three speaking scenes. Maybe this was the first of a thousand ships.

They retired from the dining room around eight thirty and made their way to their room. He used the bathroom first then slipped on his pajamas and got into the big king-size bed. Lila followed him, and when she was finished she emerged in a pink nightgown. The backlight framed her face in a glorious auburn halo. Instead of getting into bed she removed a spare blanket from the closet. “I'm going to sleep on the couch.”

“What? How come?”

She leaned down and gave him a kiss on his forehead, and when she did he felt the cold metal crucifix drop on his neck. “Because it's not proper.”

“What do you mean? We're just going to sleep.”

“That's right, so good night.” She gave him another peck on the forehead and left for the couch in the other room, closing the door behind her.

For a long while he lay in the dark feeling crosscurrents of hurt and anger. She had again rejected him. She had led him beyond a forbidden divide then pushed him back over when she decided it was wrong, then pulled him back when she weakened, then pushed him away again once her conscience got the best of her. All he wanted was to have her wrap herself around him.

But she had once again abandoned him to the dark where he lay silently, hating her. Hating himself. Hating Jesus.

Yes, Jesus. Because that's what this turn was all about. She wouldn't share the bed because she didn't want to risk getting Jesus mad at her. Not now. Not with her ship on the horizon.

Steve didn't know what to make of the resemblance of the Novak woman to Terry Farina. In reality, the shot was small and the likeness more generic than actual. Furthermore, the file photo close-up of her taken a year before her death looked even less like Farina. He decided any resemblance had more to do with the hair than anything else. That and the fact that he could no longer fully trust his perceptions

Maybe it was a nostalgic impulse, a little stroll down memory lane. Or maybe it was a necessary diversion to flush the sludge from his mind. But instead of heading back to Boston, Steve took Exit 2 off 93 and drove to Hampton Beach.

It was a bright sunny day with cumulus clouds rolling against the azure blue like huge puffs of cotton being blown out to sea. Even though it was a weekday, several people were on Ocean Boulevard, moving in and out of fast-food places and shops where you could get T-shirts, nose rings, fried dough, saltwater taffy, your fortune told, and a henna tattoo. Electronic arcades kept up an endless pulse of whoops and whistles from video shoot-'em-ups, poker, and Skee ball. And lacing the ocean air were the scents of fried clams, cotton candy, popcorn, and oh-wow incense. The place was a quintessential American honky-tonk that still tripped a wire in his soul.

In faded vignettes, Steve remembered coming here with his mother on a few excursions when she wasn't in one of her emotional black holes. She'd drive them in her car and they'd cruise the strip with the radio playing like a couple of teenagers. They'd stop for fried clams and orange slush then head for the water. With her cheering him on, he'd charge down the sand like a colt, impervious to the cold that would stop adults dead at the knees. And when he emerged, red and goosefleshed, she'd wrap a towel around him and hug him while he warmed up. Those were the good innocent times because for whatever reason her demons were asleep and she was free and happy to play mother and not suffering paralysis from self-doubt and a bad marriage.

Steve walked down the boardwalk, his shouldered briefcase slapping his side with the heft of the Novak files, reminding him that he should find a bench and continue reviewing them. But that seemed out of place, a corruption of the sunny salt-air memories. So he dismissed that idea and cut across the beach toward the water.

The tide was out, exposing the hard intertidal sand where people threw Frisbees and footballs and kids skimmed the shallows on Boogie boards. On a hot weekend, thousands would swarm the flats.

In the distance a father played whiffle ball with his small son, whose plastic bat was nearly as big as he was. Thirty years ago, that was Steve and his father, who had brought him here to play catch with a rubber baseball. He could still feel the glove on his left hand, could still smell the leather. He had a good throwing arm that could have taken him through high school teams and beyond but for the migraines that benched him in Little League.

He could still hear his father's words:
Throw overhead, not side arm
.
Right arm over right shoulder and down to your left pant pocket
. It was right here on the low tide flats, Great Boars' Head in the distance—one of the few fond memories Steve had of his father—a sweet hour of a handful that rose out of the muck of contention, shouting matches, fits of rage, the sound of pounding and smashing that clouded the kinescope of his childhood.

To this day, he never knew what kept his parents together. It couldn't have been him since neither proved fully equipped for parenthood. She was overwhelmed and emotionally unstable. And his father was too caught up in his work to play daddy. On his off days he felt pressured into doing things with young Stephen and his impatience was obvious. When they were out at a movie or baseball game, he'd check his watch, reminding Steve that he had to get home early because he had work or an old friend was in town. Or he'd shuffle him off to a neighbor's house. At the time, Steve thought that was normal. Only when he was older did he realize how little his father partook in his life and how much he depended on his mother.

He removed his shoes and socks and slipped them into his briefcase. He walked to the water's edge and rolled up his pant bottoms. The sun had heated the sand flats, but wavelets still carried the numbing chill that sent a shock to his brain.

So little time,
he thought as he watched the father and son play.

He moved toward them. He could hear the man tell his son to keep his eye on the ball because he kept missing and getting discouraged, hitting the ground with the bat in frustration. The father encouraged the boy to take his time, to watch the ball, to swing at the right moment—that it was all timing.

Timing.

After a dozen pitches and just one connect, the boy whined that he was stupid and couldn't hit.

Steve looked at the boy and his father and stopped in his tracks.
That could be me. I could be that man and that boy could be our son. I could do that.

In a moment of clarity that seemed to strip the air of haze and sound, Steve saw himself tossing that ball to the boy, telling him to correct his stance, to keep his eye on the ball. In a suspended instant that had all the rightness of a religious epiphany he told himself,
I want that.

For so long he had convinced himself that fatherhood was not for him, that he could not get beyond a wall of scar tissue to assume the role, the responsibility. But as he stood on that open sand flat under an endless blue, it became so clear that he had essentially resigned himself to a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, based solely on the belief that he'd end up like his father—a too busy, angry, self-absorbed drunk.

But that was not him. And at this moment those doubts seemed no more than flimsy imaginings born of obsession and irrational fears.

I can do that.

As he stood there taking in the scene of the father and his boy, Steve felt something inside loosen and break.

I can.

With a grunt, the boy took a mighty cut but caught the whiffle ball on the wrist of the bat, sending it toward Steve. With one hand he picked it out of the air and brought it to the father.

He turned his back so the boy wouldn't overhear. Steve handed the ball to the man. “Have him choke up and keep his elbow parallel to the ground.”

Before the man could respond, Steve moved on.

A few moments later, Steve looked back. The father was crouched down, talking to his son and setting his stance with the bat choked up and his arm parallel to the ground. A moment later the kid cracked the ball in the sweet spot, sending it high into the air. He let out a hoot and his father cheered and flashed Steve a thumbs-up.

Yes!
Steve said to himself.
I can
.

His hand went to his cell phone clip on his belt in the impulse to tell Dana, to say he could do it, that he had made up his mind that he could commit.

But how to word it without sounding foolish or desperate?

Hi, it's me. I decided I want to have kids, I could come by tonight if you're free.

Hi, I had this vision and I'm ready to commit. What do you say we start all over again?

He pressed her number. On the fifth ring her voice message came on. He clicked off and continued down the flats through shafts of light from the setting sun.