Shatter (18 page)

Nat pushed away from me and stood. “It’s not about sex.”

“But it is, Nat. For me it is.”

“Not for me.” Her chest heaved as she fought for air
and began pacing in front of me.

I stood and joined her, grabbing her hands as I said
,
“
Maybe in a way you’re right
.
I
t’s not about sex
.
I
t’s not
even about being physical, Nat
. It’s the damning reality that the minute I met you, I met someone I could share
my soul with. Sharing my body was one thing, but sharing my soul? I can’t get that
back. I don’t want to get that back
.
B
ut the worst part is, after everything that’s happened
,
I still want you to have a piece of me, even if it
’
s only a little bit. Just like I still want a piece of you even though it hurts so
much I want to scream myself to sleep. I’ve always wanted you
.
I just didn’t realize until it was too late how much I craved you
—
needed you in order to function. Maybe, just maybe
,
this was a good thing
,
because you can’t learn how to function as a couple if, when separated, you fall apart.
”

“What about me?” Nat sobbed against my chest
. “
What about us? I don’t understand! Why is it such a bad thing
?
Why can’t we get through this together?”

I sighed into her hair, memorizing her scent
. “
Because I never got through it alone, Nat.”

“But I can help
.
I can
—”

I kissed her hard across the mouth
. “
Do you feel this
?
” I said against her lips
. “
I want to forget this whole damn conversation. I want to lose myself in you.”

“Then do it.” She arched against me
.
I backed up and curse
d.

“Nat, it’s not healthy
.
D
on’t you see? Don’t you see how you’ll live to resent me? Live to resent us? This?
What we have? It isn’t balanced
—
it isn’t healthy.”

“Oh
,
and you’re the expert on healthy rel
ationships, Alec?”
s
he snapped.

“No. I just know you deserve to be in one.”

“I want you. Only you.” Her shoulders shook.

“I want you to
o
. But just because I want you doesn’t make it right, Nat. Just because I love you
do
es
n’t make it okay to keep using you the way I am.”

“So that’s it?” Thick
tea
rs r
an down her cheeks.

I cursed and ran my hands through my hair
. “
Yeah, Nat. That’s it.”

“So what happens now?” She wiped some
moisture
from her cheeks and crossed her arms
protectively
over
her chest.

I would forever remember that moment. During those lonely nights when I was tempted
to do something stupid, I’d remember the look of betrayal on her face. I’d remember
the way her
tears
even seemed to look beautiful as her clear eyes searched mine for the one thing I
couldn’t give
her
—
reassurance.

“I stop hurting you.” I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, Nat. But this is goodbye.”

She
sank to her knees on the deck.

I fought with every ounce of will power
I still possessed to walk away.

And I did.

I left the girl I loved
— t
he only girl
who
would ever hold a piece of my heart
—
crying
alone
outside. The very fact that I could do that proved to me yet again that I was a lesser
man than she deserved. One day
…
one day she would thank me for being strong enough to walk away. I just hoped I would
live to see it. Because at that moment I wanted nothing more th
a
n to die.

Demetri

“Dude, where you going?” I asked as Alec breezed past me and ran upstairs.

I was just getting ready to follow him when I heard
Alyssa curse, bless her heart.

“Demetri!”
s
he yelled louder. I turned around
.
S
he was holding Nat and rocking her back and forth. Holy shit
.
I’
d have
kill
ed
him with my bare hands.

I ran outside and pulled Nat into my arms. I looked over her head and mouthed to Alyssa
,
“
W
hat happened
?”

Her eyes were filled with helpless tears
.
S
he shrugged and kept shakin
g her head over and over again.

I jerked my head
toward
the doorway for Alyssa to give us some time. I mean
,
I knew Alyssa and Nat were close
,
but I felt like I was Nat’s brother. I needed to fix this
.
I
ha
d to do something. Damn
,
I c
ould
have
kill
ed
my brother right
then
.

“What happened?” I used my thumbs to wipe the tears from her eyes as she choked on
a sob. “Nat, what happened? Are you hurt? Are you okay?”

“My heart h-hurts.” She cried harder.

I couldn’t just leave her. Alec was damn lucky that she was clinging to me
,
otherwise I would be bloodying my knuckles for the second time that night. What the
hell was wrong with everyone?

“As in you’re having a heart attack, Nat? Or metaphorically? Help me out
,
girl
,
because I don’t know whether to strangle my brother or take you to the ER.”

Nat began to hyperventilate. Shit. “Nat, listen to me, you’re going to pass out if
you keep doing that.” I looked around for something and nearly cried with gratitude
when Alyssa showed up with a
paper bag and handed it to Nat.

I was getting ready to say something helpful when Alyssa interrupted me. “I know you’re
hurting right now, Nat. I know you’re upset, but this isn’t good
.
D
o you understand? This isn’t healthy
.
Y
ou can stop breat
hing
,
and if you stop breathing…
” She trailed off and held Nat’s face in her hands
. “
Do you get what I’m saying? You can’t just think about yourself right now, okay?”

“A little harsh, Lyss.”

Ignoring me, she placed the bag into Nat’s hands and slowly showed her how to breathe
in and out
. “
That’s it, you’re doing great. Just keep breathing
,
okay? I’m going to send Demetri inside
,
and then we can talk
,
okay?”

Nat nodded.

Feeling a little un-needed, and weirded out about why my girlfriend would be the one
out of all of us to give tough love during a panic attack, I got up
and walked back inside.

Angelica was staring at the f
loor. Not moving. Just staring.

Right.

I went in search of Jaymeson
,
but he was nowhere to be found.

Finally, I took the steps t
wo at a time in search of Alec.

Jaymeson was in Alec’s room. With the rest of the camera crew.

“You slept with my mother!” Jaymeson punched Alec across the jaw. Alec was a big dude,
no lie
.
I was already trying to grow balls enough to attack him
,
let alone pick a fight. Jaymeson wasn’t small
,
but he was British
.
I didn’t mean that in a bad way
.
I
t’s just…
well
,
he was a bit more wiry than Alec
.
B
uilt differently. Alec had at least twent
y pounds of muscle on Jaymeson.

“Sorry
,
” Alec said, his face already starting to swell
. “
But before you go blaming me for everything, you should talk to
your
mom, Jaymeson. You’ve got a pretty screwed up family.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jaymeson yelled
,
pushing Alec away from him
. “
I hate them! I hate them both and you’ve just made it worse.” His voice cracked
. “
Because of them, I hate one of my best friends too.”

I walked in the room, hands up. I wanted no more punches
thrown
.
I just wanted the truth.

And then I saw the suitcase.

Oh
,
hell no. “What are you doing?” I pointed at the suitcase
in utter
disbelief. “Are we all going somewhere?

I looked at
Ruben
,
but he refused to make eye contact.

“I’m leaving.” Alec pushed Jaymeson out of the way and grabbed some more shirts
,
tossing them into the suitcase.

“Do I have to go too?” I asked, still confuse
d. Why the hell would he leave?

“Nope.” The sound of Alec zipping up the suitcase may as well have been
finger
nails on a chalkboard.

“What the hell is going on?”

Alec turned to me. A look of pure desperation mixed with guilt clouded his features
. “
I can’t do it anymore. It’s not fair to
her
.
I
t’s not fair to you. I was using
—”
H
e licked his lips
. “
It doesn’t matter. Congrats, Demetri, you final
l
y won
.
Y
ou should be proud.”

“Proud?” I spat
. “
My best friend and brother is leaving me to rot in this hell hole
.
N
ot to mention he just broke one of my best friend
’
s hearts, and you want me to be proud? I want to freaking murder you right now
!
”

“Get in line
,
” Jaymeson said from behind me.

“Do it. Maybe I’ll feel better.” Alec stood in front of me
. “
Or you could move.”

“Why wo
uld I do that?” I met his gaze.

“Because I need this.” His voice cracked,
and
his nostrils flared and there it was
.
T
he same desperation I
had seen
in the mirror for the better part of two years. “I need this so damn bad. And I can’t
…
I can’t keep hurting people I love.”

“When will you be back
?
”

He walked past me and paused in the doorway. “I don’t know.”

“She may not ever forgive you, Alec. Don’t walk away from her. Battle your demons
with
her.”

“They’ll consume us both
,
”
h
e whispered
. “
I can’t
…
I just can’t.”

“Then you’re a coward
,
” I whispered under my breath
,
hoping he wouldn’t hear me.

In an instant Alec was in front of me. He lifted me and pushed me against the wall,
holding onto my favorite shirt like it was a noose around my neck. “Don’t you dare
say I’m a coward! Do you know how damn hard it is to walk away? You don’t. Because
you’ve always faced things head on
,
and wonder
-
of
-
all
-
wonders, it all worked out for you. It just took near death to get your head screwed
on straight
.” The man had a point.

“Not everyone is like you
,
Demetri. Not everyone is willing to jump off that cliff and have faith that everything
’
s going to be okay.”

He released his hold and cursed
. “
A coward would stay, man. A coward would crawl into his shell and pretend that the
damn sun was still shining. A coward would use every excuse in the book to lie to
himself, to lie to the person he loved while he slowly destroyed the light in her
eyes. I’m not a coward. I’m walking away before I hurt her more. I’m walking away
before I destroy the most important person in my existence.”

“And what about you
?
” I called after him as he grabbed his large suitcase
. “
What will you do?”

“Be the man she deserves without using her to block away my past.”

I let him go.

I walked slowly out
of
the room with the camera crew. I knew I wasn’t the only one sweating after that little
exchange. Jaymeson muttered a curse next to me and ran down the stairs. After tonight
he
really was going to need plastic surgery to fix some of the cuts on his face, not
to mention
veneers for the missing teeth.

Al
ec slammed the door behind him.

The SUV started.

And I have to admit I waited for him to get over it and come back. I waited for two
hours before I finally gave up and went into my room for som
e sleep.

Alyssa was quietly sitting on my be
d, her hands folded in her lap.

Crap,
something was up.

“Spill.” I
lay
down next to her and patted the spot beside me. She
lay
down next to me and sighed.

“I swore I wouldn’t say anything.”

“Well
,
now you have to tell me.” I yawned
. “
But please let it be soon because I’ve had probably the worst night of my life.”

“Even worse than that time you
dreamt seagulls broke through your window and were swarming your room?”
s
he joked.

“Hilarious. And yes, even worse than that. Though, no lie, that possibility still
creeps me out.”

“We have a problem.”

“We? What’s this
we
business
?
” I pulled her over me so she was straddling
me
, her hair cascaded over her me like
a
waterfall, tickling my jaw.

Taking a deep breath she blurted
,
“
Nat’s pregnant.”

Shit.