Right. Got to get off the roof. I was topless in broad daylight. Lucky what I got is small, and I could pretty much cover them with one hand and a forearm while I scuttled across the roof until I was just above the hallway over the stairs, at the back of the building. There’s a window there that opens on to the landing. It’s always locked, but...
I hung over the edge of the roof and leaned over to try to prise the edge of the window open but couldn’t reach it, so I leaned further. I got my finger in the gap and if I could just stretch a little further...
I fell. Landed in the privet hedge below.
Need I saw ow? I’m talking lacerations-style ow. I rolled out of the hedge and on to a strip of lawn belonging to the next door neighbours, bleeding, still topless, and of course barefoot.
Buenos dias
, Jade. Getting laid always has its price.
I darted through the neighbours’ yard without anybody seeing me, hit the sidewalk and then caught some unwelcome attention from a passing car full of
boys from my school
. Oh frig. I flipped them the bird with my free hand and ran around to the front of the building. I would just have to buzz Irene and tell her I’d locked myself out. She would give me a hard time, but at least she’d have to let me in. We do pay rent.
I got up to the intercom and was about to press Irene’s button when the door buzzed all by itself. I grabbed it and dashed in. Nobody was around, so I didn’t know who let me in. I was still locked out of my own apartment, and I still had no clothes... I ran down to the basement. The laundry room was empty, but both machines were going full blast. I jerked open the dryer door and a bunch of kids’ clothes flew out as the machine stopped tumbling; I grabbed a Furby tank top that probably belonged to Irene’s eight-year-old and pulled it on. Then I shoved all the laundry back in, started the machine again, and went upstairs.
‘Oh, shit!’ I yelled loudly. ‘I locked myself out, how the hell did I manage to do that?’
I thundered loudly down the stairs and knocked on Irene’s door. The muffled sound of Aaliyah’s ‘Try Again’ came through the door. I knocked again, louder. The music was turned down a little, and Irene came to the door on the phone as usual. She nodded as I blurted my request for access, and said, ‘Honey, that’s because the man is a dog, you understand me?’ into the phone. While she grabbed her pass key I saw two heads appear around the corner from her living room. Her younger kids; I prayed the eight-year-old was still asleep. Crossed my arms over my chest. ‘Can I use your bathroom for just a second?’ I whispered. ‘Emergency!’
She was paying more attention to her phone than to me, so I ducked into her bathroom, moved aside a Nickelodeon magazine, and gratefully peed.
When I came out, Irene wasn’t there.
‘Where’s your mom?’ I said to the kids. The little girl pointed upstairs.
‘She went to open your door, silly,’ she said.
‘Oh, shh—ugar!’ I cried. ‘You kids, stay right there and do not leave this apartment. OK? Don’t come outside.’
I shut Irene’s door behind me and pelted up the stairs composing in my mind what I’d say to 911. Irene had unlocked the door but luckily for her, she hadn’t actually opened it. Now she was on her way back. ‘You gotta show him who’s boss, girl,’ she said into the phone. ‘And you know what else? That gets worse after the kids, so you have to confront it now.’
‘Thank you!’ I said breathlessly, and she took the phone away from her ear long enough to say, ‘Where’d you get that shirt?’
I gave her my blank look. I’m a terrible liar, but I can do a blank look and sometimes it’s enough. People assume you’re stupid or don’t speak English.
The buzzer rang at the front door downstairs.
Irene leaned to one side and looked down into the lobby. ‘That’s for you,’ she said. ‘Your friend who drives the Corvette? He’s parked illegally.’
I laughed nervously and Irene returned to her apartment saying, ‘And if you gain weight, forget about it because he’ll use that as a excuse—’ her door shut.
The buzzer went again. I could see Khari, and it seemed he could see me, too. At least, he could see my feet.
I went down and let him in.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Like your shirt.’
‘Uh huh, so what’s up? I got your text.’
‘Let’s go up. I gotta talk to you in private.’
He started up the stairs, taking the whole
me casa es yo casa
thing a little too literally right now.
‘Uh, don’t go in there, Khari,’ I called. ‘I got a little problem. Why don’t we go for a drive and talk.’
‘No, I can’t drive,’ he said. ‘I already done about seven shots of tequila and I shouldn’t of drove here. I’m gonna just take a cab home.’
He handed me the Corvette keys.
‘What happened? You never drink.’
‘Ah, I’m just pissed off. Come on, let’s go in. I need your advice on something. What’s the problem? You spraying for bugs or what?’
I ran after him, but he’d already opened the door and stepped in.
‘No! Yes! Well, it
is
a wildlife issue!’ I called after him. ‘Khari, don’t—’
I almost ran into his back. He was taking up most of my hallway, and he’d stopped in his tracks.
‘Careful,’ I squeaked. ‘It’s—’
‘How you doin’, man?’ Khari stepped forward, extending his right hand. I couldn’t see past him because he’s so big, but I recognized Shea’s voice all right.
‘Morning, Khari, good to see you.’
They were shaking hands.
‘Excuse me,’ I squeaked. ‘Gotta pee.’
I stood in the bathroom clutching my head in my hands, pulling the hair back from my face so that I looked like I was in freefall on a rollercoaster, which was pretty much how I felt.
While I was pretending to be peeing I could hear them talking in the next room. It all sounded normal and fine—both of them were totally OK. I was the one freaking. I wanted to just stay in there, but I had to find out what happened to the friggin’ lion.
If there was a lion.
Could Shea have drugged me? Maybe I’d been hallucinating again. Shit happened, you know. I mean, a man-sized black lion? I don’t think so. Not on this planet. Maybe my dreams got mixed up with Malu’s stray cat and somehow... magnified it. In my twisted mind. Maybe?
Maybe I should just stay in here forever.
‘I’ll just go see what’s keeping her,’ Shea said, his voice getting closer. He was talking like he was the host, like he lived here or something.
I opened the door.
He smiled and kissed me. Mmm...
‘It’s fine,’ he said. ‘Go on out, it’s all fine.’
I must have been some shade of purple when I got into the living room. Khari was sprawled in his usual seat, flicking between stations.
‘This is messed up,’ I said.
‘OK, it’s cool, it’s cool,’ Khari says. ‘Sorry I didn’t call first, I just assumed... you know. I didn’t mean to walk in on nothing.’
I heard myself laughing in a really high voice. ‘That’s OK. You want coffee?’
‘It’s all covered,’ Shea said. ‘The tea is brewing.’
I stifled a laugh. I bit back a remark about crumpets.
‘Tea, man, that’s good,’ Khari said. ‘Tea is cool, tea is cool. Listen, Jade, I got to talk to you but I can see I’m interrupting something here, so how ’bout if we just hook up later when you’re free?’
‘Oh, don’t mind me,’ Shea sang. He sounded so very... British and uptight and proper, and he came out of the kitchen with Malu’s
Futurama
mug full of milky tea and handed it to Khari. ‘I was just leaving.’
‘Seriously, man,’ Khari said.
‘No, seriously. I’ve got lots of paperwork to do, and Jade... Jade, I’ll call you later.’
I widened my eyes at him.
Call me later? You and Simba, you mean?
I thought it, but all I said was, ‘OK, tiger,’ and punched him playfully on the arm.
His eyebrows went up at that, but he left, rubbing his arm. I felt myself going hot in the cheeks and went into the kitchen to grab some tea myself. When I came out, Khari was dumping his tea into Malu’s aloe plant. Then he started pacing up and down.
‘So last week she tells me she’s going to Miami to work, but when I call her at night I can hear a guy in the background, and she’s like, “No I ain’t playing you” and I’m like who is he and she’s like he’s just a photographer and I’m like what kind of pictures are these and she gets real mad and hangs up. So I got a friend in Miami, Vince, he’s like tight with an outfit over there you know what I’m saying, and I call him up and I’m like can you check on my girlfriend and Vince goes over to the hotel and she’s shacked up with some Arabian guy in his twenty thousand dollar a night suite.’
‘Holy shit,’ I said when he paused for breath.
‘Yeah, right, and so when she got back she comes over all hi, I missed you, sorry about the other day and I told her I know she’s a ho and get out of my face, I don’t want nothing to do with her.’
‘That sounds... smart,’ I said carefully. I mean, why was he telling me this? I didn’t want to know this.
‘So that’s over,’ he said, spreading his hands.
‘Sounds like it,’ I said. As Malu would say,
Can you hear the schadenfreude angels singing?
‘I don’t get it, Jade,’ he said. ‘I thought she was different. This shit has happened to me before, but I really thought she was different. We were supposed to be exclusive.’
So I told him my car theory. ‘Your problem is you think women are like cars. Well, you wanted a Maserati, and you got one,’ I said. ‘Car like that needs a lot of attention, and a lot of money.’
‘She’s all into her career, though. She can make money doing what she does. Why she want to go with some Sheik Abdul maybe got HIV and... shit, Jade.’
‘Shit, yeah. You been tested lately?’
He swallowed. ‘I don’t believe this. I was faithful to her. I could have played around, but I never did. I’m not like that. That’s not right, man. It’s not right.’
‘I don’t know, Khari. Maybe you need somebody more real.’
‘What do you mean, more real? Eva’s real.’
‘No, Eva is a fantasy. She dresses up in high heels and parades around for y’all, and she watches you work out and brings you a towel and she’s always there on the other end of the phone when you want to talk about your next fight, and you think it’s cute that she’s a model but you’re always worried who else is looking at her, and it makes you crazy. So now she’s gone and done the thing you were most afraid of her doing. You don’t even know her. Did you know her and Monika want to open a bakery? Did you know they want to live next door to each other and have a bunch of babies? She tell you about that,
pana
?’
‘Well, she said some stuff, but that’s Monika’s idea. Eva wants a show business career. You don’t turn down the money she’s making to open a bakery and make cupcakes, you know what I’m saying.’
‘You might if you got Sheik Whatever giving you big tips. Come on Khari, get real. You weren’t going to stay with her. You were just having a good time, so what’s the big deal? You can get another Eva any time.’
‘I don’t want another Eva.’
I never would have spoken to him like this if I hadn’t just spent last night with Shea like I did. Shea had made me feel like a goddess. My confidence was at an all-time high, and suddenly Khari for all his looks and muscles, he just seemed like a child.
‘Well, what do you want, then?’
He stared at me. Really stared, like it was something he hadn’t thought about before and he thought I was a genius for asking it. God, how could I not have noticed before what a dufus Khari can be? Blinded by his pecs, I guess.
‘I don’t know, Jade. I really don’t know. I think I could be done with women.’
I let out a shriek of laughter.
‘No seriously, I mean, I’m a fighter. I can’t be getting distracted by relationships. I’m not good with women. I don’t want to go shopping, I don’t want to meet their friends and their parents. I just want a girlfriend I can—’
‘Go all night with,’ I interjected.
‘I was going to say talk to about the stuff that I’m into. Someone to share what I do,’ he said, sounding hurt.
‘As long as she’s five foot nine 36-24-36 with perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect face, Brazilian wax, plucked eyebrows, can walk in heels...’
‘OK, OK, I get it. Remember, Eva asked me out.’
‘So do a lot of girls,’ I said. ‘I see it all, remember? Your girlfriends talk to me.’
‘What do you mean they talk to you? What do they say?’
‘They say you train all the time and you never want to do nothing fun. They say you tell them to measure your junk so they can see for themselves it’s 11 inches, but it’s really only ten and three quarters.’
Khari shot to his feet. ‘Who told you that?’
I laughed. ‘It don’t matter.’
Khari rubbed the back of his neck, looked at the floor. ‘See, a woman like Eva, it’s just that she’s beautiful and you got to understand how a beautiful woman can turn a man’s head. When I walked into a club with her, every guy in the room was looking at me and thinking he wished he had what I had. Everybody would look at us.’
‘Wow,’ I said. ‘Great basis for a relationship.’
‘OK, a’ight, take it easy. I come over here for a little understanding and you give me tough love on a stick.’
‘You need it, Khari. When you gonna wake up? You want sex, you can get that anytime, you’re lucky, you don’t even have to pay for it. I see how it goes with you. You don’t got to do nothing. Women just seem to fall out of the sky and land on your rhythm stick.’
‘You don’t got to go getting all rude.’ But he looked flattered.
‘You want a relationship, you have to compromise something. Maybe you don’t want that.’
I stared him down. I don’t know where my usual X-rated mental movies with Khari had went to but I wasn’t thinking nothing sexy about him.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ he said. ‘I guess I got to think about it.’
‘Yeah, and get yourself tested,’ I added as I showed him out.
When he was gone I burst into an attack of the giggles. I couldn’t believe that just happened. Any of it.
I knew if Malu were here, she’d be cheering. I missed her, but how could I talk to her when now we had a resident fucking lion?