Seriously... I'm Kidding (5 page)

September 8, 2010

Journal,

I made my Broadway debut tonight in the Big Apple! I starred in a show called
Promises, Promises
alongside my supporting cast, Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes. It was so much fun, but guess what, Journal? I think I caught the theater bug. Literally. There was a roach in my dressing room the size of my fist. New York City is filthy.

January 1, 2011

Happy 2011, Journal! Had a great New Year’s Eve. Set a new record and managed to stay up until 9:30. It was craaaaazy, Journal.

January 18, 2011

Hey Journal,

I watched
The Biggest Loser
tonight. That show is so good. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know how they do it. I’m crying so much I have mascara running down my face. And I’m not even wearing mascara. This show is powerful.

May 25, 2011

Dear Journal,

Today was the very last episode ever of
The Oprah Winfrey Show
. Wow. I can’t believe it. I don’t know how her show got canceled. So many people loved it. But you know what this means? Now that Larry King retired, Oprah’s moving on, and Regis quit, all of television will be mine! Hahahahaha!

June 24, 2011

Journal,

I’m about to turn my new book in to the publisher. Writing a book is hard. I thought it was mostly going to be journal entries like this, but it turns out they need more to fill a book. I wish it could be all journal entries. Anyway, I’m gonna send the book in and then probably head to the movies. You know what comes out today, Journal?
Cars
2. Isn’t that great? A sequel to a hit animated movie. I’m so, so, so happy for them.

Important Words

N
ow this is a very difficult chapter for me to write. This chapter, chapter ten, is my favorite chapter in one of my favorite books so I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make it spectacular. There are other books I’ve read where chapter ten was not that great at all. But I prefer not to tell you to which book I’m referring. Maybe the author of that book failed to read the chapter in the book I aforementioned.

I don’t know if “aforementioned” is a word or if it’s correctly used here. But whenever I feel stress or pressure of any kind I try to use big, important words. It makes me feel better and more powerful. Like, if I get pulled over for speeding I usually say something like, “Mr. (or Mrs. or Ms. depending on the situation, of course) Gentleman Enforcer of the Legal Government Principles, I am en route to my appendectomy.” And then they usually say something like, “License and registration.” And then I say, “Cacophony!” And then they usually write me a ticket.

I don’t know why bigger words seem like they’re more important. Really all words are important, even small words like “the” or “it” or “a” or “or,” for that matter. You can’t form a sentence without those words. Let me try to make a sentence without using any of those words just to make a point.

See? I can’t.

Well, I guess technically “I can’t” is a sentence that doesn’t use “the” or “it” or “a” or “or” but you understand what I’m trying to say. All those small words are just as important as big words. I say it all the time about words and only words—it’s not the size that counts. It’s the way you use them in sentences, paragraphs, and slam poetry.

Some authors try to be all show-offy with fancy sentences. And I could do that if I really wanted to. It’s not like I don’t know all those rarely used big, fancy, ostentaneous words, too. Of course I do. And if that’s what it takes for a book to win a Pulitzer or some grand literary prize I guess I could throw a sentence or two in. Why not? I’ll do it right now.

One day my domesticated feline Charlie was unequivocally euphoric. I deducted this based on my astute observation of her level of loquaciousness while she hurriedly pursued her high-pitched squeakable toy rodent of the species
Mouseous
.

See? Easy. Here is another example:

Women are supposed to be very calm generally, but women feel just as men feel. They need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts, as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, too absolute a stagnation, precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow-minded in their more privileged fellow-creatures to say that they ought to confine themselves to making pudding and knitting stockings, to playing on the piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them, if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex.

Okay, that was from
Jane Eyre
. I can’t keep this charade up for a whole chapter. That
Jane Eyre
is really good, though, isn’t it?

Family

We are family. I got all my sisters with me.

We are family. Get up everybody and sing.

—Sister Sledge

A
few years ago I received a letter from a genealogist at the New England Historic Genealogical Society. At first I thought it was a letter from my lady doctor, but then someone told me “genealogy” means “family.”

They wanted to know if I was interested in learning about my lineage. Up until that point in my life, I hadn’t thought much about my family history. All I knew for sure was that I was born in Metairie, Louisiana, and I came out of my mama’s belly button.

But as soon as I received the letter I started thinking about my past and my ancestors. Who am I? Where am I from? Why do I love hummus so much? So I asked the genealogists to do some research for me and they found out some very interesting facts.

They told me I am related to a whole bunch of celebrities, and not just in a Kevin Bacon sort of way. I mean actually related to. First of all, I found out I’m married to Portia de Rossi, which is amazing. She is beautiful and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.

I also found out that I am tenth cousins once removed from Academy Award–winning actress Halle Berry. That’s a pretty obvious one. Look at us. We’re like twins. People are probably always passing her on the street, yelling, “Ellen, dance!”

I am also a distant cousin of Richard Gere, so now there are two reasons we can’t date. I am eighth cousins nine times removed from George Washington, which explains why I cannot tell a lie and I love to wear powdered wigs. And, most important of all, I’m royalty. I am fifteenth cousins with the future queen of England, Kate Middleton, which makes it a lot less weird that I have everyone who works for me call me Your Royal Highness.

Actually, I found out that my ancestors date all the way back to fifteenth-century England. That’s like when Big Ben was just a tiny little baby Ben. I have relatives with names like Jean Laurent de Generes and Jean Baptiste de Generes, which are really fun to say. And I’m a descendant of William Brewster, who came over on the
Mayflower
. I assume that’s why I’m so attracted to a shoe with a buckle.

It’s exciting to find out what our roots are. Knowing where we come from explains so much about who we are. Plus, it gives us so many more people to borrow money from.

What’s interesting when you really think about where we all come from and how different our pasts might be is that if you were to peer into the window of any house on any street during a big family holiday celebration, you would most likely see many of the same scenes. You would also risk getting arrested for trespassing, but still you would see that all of our families are very much the same. No matter where we’re from or to whom we’re related or how our pasts have impacted our current lives, every family gathering tends to go the same way.

First, you hope that your favorite aunt invites you to her house for the holidays because she has the finished basement with the nice pool table. She’s not going to. Instead, everyone is going to your uncle’s who has four pit bulls and an indoor skate ramp made out of recycled beer bottles.

As soon as you get there you get stuck talking to your brother-in-law’s brother. You have nothing to talk about so you start with “Wow, I haven’t seen you since you were on
Cops
.” Immediately your mom grabs you and says, “You weren’t supposed to mention
Cops
! Why did you mention
Cops
?!”

Then you apologize for mentioning
Cops
. Somehow in the apology, you make a joke like, “Well at least you weren’t on
To Catch a Predator
, right?” Another apology is made.

Then cousin Pam shows up with her famous corn casserole that is famous for all the wrong reasons. You know the first thing she’s going to want to do is play the guitar and sing about peace, so you decide to go outside for some fresh air even though it’s four degrees and snowing and you forgot to pack a coat. Two seconds later, nine kids follow you outside to pelt you with snowballs and when you don’t throw any back at them they start to call you names and make you feel bad that your skin turns so red in the cold. It’s not your fault, you’ve always had sensitive skin and there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive.

You tell the kids that but it doesn’t go well at all so you head back inside and ask if you can do anything to help because you’re polite, and also because your mom is giving you the “You better ask if you can help, I didn’t raise you to just stand there and do nothing” look. You hope the answer will be no, but your aunt says, “Sure! I haven’t made the sweet potato pie yet. You can do that!”

Then you panic because you’ve never known the difference between a sweet potato and a yam and both are on the counter, and if you start making a yam pie you’ll never hear the end of it.

So you start making a yam pie. Luckily, people are distracted by a dozen grown men screaming in the living room because little Timmy unplugged the TV just as a football team was scoring a touchdown.

Timmy starts to cry. The dogs start to bark. Everyone finally sits down to eat. The wine will start flowing and so will the secrets. Guess what? Mom’s pregnant. Guess what else? So is Dad. He can do that now.

You scarf down your meal and head home wondering if everyone’s family is that crazy. The answer is a resounding yes.

But we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves of our lives we see every day—life is pretty boring. You don’t have to believe me, but you should. I’m royalty.

What Would Jesus Do?

I
don’t know if you’ve read a magazine lately or gone online or watched TV or visited a mall—I don’t know what you do in your spare time and frankly it isn’t any of my business. But if you have done any of those things, you’ve probably been asked to participate in an opinion poll. Opinion polls have become incredibly popular. People love them. I know because I read that in an opinion poll.