Seriously... I'm Kidding (17 page)

Maybe we put too much focus on gift giving. It shouldn’t be about a gift or about who gave you what. We all know what it should be about. Money. Why isn’t it acceptable to just give cash? That’s what we all want. Let’s cut to the chase.

No. Well, yes, but that’s not what life is about. I do genuinely enjoy giving people gifts and seeing their faces light up when they open them. I once brought a box of wine to a dinner party at Oprah’s house and the look on her face was priceless. And that feels good inside.

So I guess what I’m saying is it’s better to err on the side of being polite and giving gifts for all occasions—birthdays, holidays, Flag Day. And you know what makes the best gift of all? Books like this. And things made out of money.

Pondering

O
ne thing that always makes me happy is being out in nature. I love nature. I love trees, I love flowers, I love those hedges that are shaped like giraffes. I don’t know how they grow like that, but they are magnificent!

I spend a lot of time outside every day. I love doing yoga outside. I love to meditate outside. Sometimes I even shower outside. What I’m trying to say is, I lock myself out of the house a lot.

I just love being outside. In the mornings, I take a cup of coffee out to my koi pond, plop myself down right next to my life-size garden statue of Helen Mirren, and do what one is supposed to do by a pond—I ponder.

I ponder all sorts of things. I ponder life and our infinite universe and how lucky we are to find ourselves surrounded by incredible forces of nature every single day. And then I ponder other stuff like how do mermaids always seem to find seashells big enough to wear as bras? Whenever I go to the beach the biggest shell I can find in one piece is the size of a Skittle. I’ll still make it into a bra, but it’s very, very tiny.

I ponder that expression “You’re a big fish in a small pond.” Do the big fish in my pond know that expression? Do they swim around and try to make the smaller fish feel bad because they’re so small? Or do the small fish know the expression “Good things come in small packages”? Maybe they swim around knowing that even though they’re small they have a lot to offer, like quinoa or an Olsen twin.

I can sit and stare into my pond for hours and hours admiring the stunning reflections of the sky and the clouds and the birds. We have so many different kinds of birds near our house. They’re always chirping away, and I imagine them saying things like, “Oh, that Ellen—she’s so connected to nature. That’s so rare to see in a human.”

“Yeah, she seems so laid-back and cool. Look at her sitting on that bench drinking her coffee,” I imagine another bird saying.

And then the first bird chirps back, “I bet it would be so fun to hang out with her. She reminds me so much of Claire. Such a nut, but so sweet.”

And while they go back and forth saying the nicest things about me—I mean, it’s just so humbling—I start to think about what it would be like to fly around with them all day long, looking at our Earth from way up above, circling and gliding through the air with complete freedom. Sometimes I get so lost in the moment, I start running around my yard, flapping my arms like a seagull at the beach. A lot of times I’ll even start to squawk. Usually right around the third or fourth squawk is when my neighbor starts screaming at me to pipe down. He’s always like, “Quiet down, lady! And put on some pants!” And I’m always like, “YOU put on some pants, sir!” because in the heat of the moment I panic and I can’t think of anything better to say. Of course, he’s already wearing pants, so it doesn’t pack quite the punch I want it to, but the bottom line is he’s clearly not as connected to nature as I am.

Anyway, we have a lot of different kinds of wild animals on our property. We’ve seen bobcats and deer and wild boars. One time Portia was convinced she discovered a whole new species behind our house. She saw something she had never seen before that had tiny eyes and a hairy face. At first I assumed it was my cousin Nancy, but it wasn’t her. Portia said it looked like a warthog, and I had to remind her we don’t live on an African game reserve. Yet.

For a long time I was pretty sure she saw a opossum, but we did eventually figure out that the mystery creature she spotted was a javelina. They’re normally found in desert areas like Tucson. I don’t know what it was doing in Beverly Hills. All I know is, the next time I saw it, it was reading a script for the next
Transformers
movie and taking meetings with agents.

When I’m not pondering by my pond, I’m outside gardening in my garden. (That is, when I’m not lanaiing on my lanai.) I love to garden. I find it very therapeutic. Actually, I treat it just like therapy. I talk to my plants about what’s going on in my life, about my dreams and aspirations, my fears, my regrets, how frustrated I get when someone suddenly stops at the bottom of an escalator without realizing there’s a whole line of people piling up behind them. I find it very easy to talk to my plants about pretty much everything. And the best part is, instead of having a therapist who wants hundreds of dollars an hour, my plants only charge me sixty.

I just read that gardening is the number one pastime in America. Well, I just wrote it anyway. Who knows if it’s true! What I do know is that gardening is my favorite pastime. I have a lot of hobbies, but there’s something about gardening that’s different. I think it’s because gardening is a hobby you can eat. You plant some seeds, you water some soil, and in just a few short months, you’ve got yourself enough tomatoes to make a tiny salad.

There aren’t a lot of hobbies you can eat. Like, let’s say you love to cook. That’s a bad example. Let’s say you love to travel, and everywhere you go, you try the food at the best local—

My point is, I love gardening as a hobby. Right now in our garden, Portia and I are growing tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, beets, eggplant, basil, and a whole assortment of herbs. It smells nice, it looks nice, and I can’t tell you how satisfying it is to be able to host a dinner party and offer my guests the literal fruits of my labor. (As it turns out, these are very different than the fruits of one’s loins. At a recent dinner party, I accidentally asked Martha Stewart how she was enjoying the fruits of my loins and she nearly choked on her stew.)

If you don’t have a garden, I encourage you to plant one. It’s a fun thing to do and it’s great for the planet. And you know what I always say, time and time again—if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.

Adults Only Chapter

A
s I said, people of all ages watch my show. I have a lot of young viewers, but I also have a lot of older viewers. This chapter is for my older fans—those of you who are slightly more mature. If any kids are reading this book, turn the page now. This chapter is not appropriate for children. It’s for adults who experience adult situations, such as eating dinner before 6:00 and struggling to read menus in dim lighting conditions.

Many adults, myself included, have trouble reading menus when they go out to eat at restaurants because the font is way too small. I know there are products to help with this problem, like reading and magnifying glasses, but I have a better idea. Make the font size larger. There should be a worldwide standard for menu font size. I’ve included a sample menu below with a suitable font size. You’ll notice that the menu font can be large enough to read while also being visually attractive.

Daily Specials for Chez DeGeneres

APPETIZER

Organic Mixed Greens with Teeny Tiny Tomatoes

MAIN COURSE

Something Delicious

SIDES

Fresh Broccolini and Zucchiniini

DESSERT

Raspberry Sorbet with Capers

I don’t know why but everything sounds fancier with capers.

Gambling Tips

I
love to play poker. I play it every single day in my dressing room before I go out to do my show. I play it at home. I play it at friends’ houses. I play it on long plane rides and short plane rides. Basically if I’m awake and I’m not eating, working, or training my dogs to set the table, I’m playing poker.

I used to love going to Las Vegas. What a clean, healthy town that is. Here is a fun fact about Las Vegas: You can literally do anything there. Anything. You can smoke in casinos, you can drink four jugs of tequila at once, you can try to spin yourself around on a roulette wheel while wearing only a piece of string on your bottom if you so desire. But what you cannot do under any circumstances—and I found this out the hard way—is eat almonds at a blackjack table. That is a true story. I once tried to eat almonds at a card table and I was told by the dealer to put them away because I wasn’t allowed to eat them there. Sexual encounters with an escort? You got it. Wildly inappropriate public intoxication? Anytime! Having a little protein while doubling down? How dare you even think about it, you stupid, stupid fool.

I don’t know how many of you gamble. How could I? We’ve only just met. But for those of you who enjoy a little risk taking, I thought I would give you a few tips for staying “up” should you find yourselves in a casino or on a riverboat anytime soon.

SLOT MACHINES

Slot machines can be hours and hours of fun. Things spin around and light up when you win and they all make loud, exciting noises that make it sound like coins are pouring out of the machines—even though nowadays you only get a piece of paper, which is much easier to carry around and a lot more sanitary, in case you wanted to play a game and then eat some almonds or something with your hands. Just kidding. You’re not allowed to do that inside a casino.

All the slots have different themes, from animals and sports to
Wheel of Fortune
and
Sex and the City
. What is more fun than lining up Samantha’s cosmos to win a really big bonus? I’ll tell you what. Lining up Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes for an even bigger bonus.

There’s no question that slots are fun. But here’s what you need to do when you’re playing the slots: Walk away when you’re up. You have to. Just walk away. Then, walk back and see what one more spin will do for you. If you don’t win the jackpot immediately, walk away again. Take a breather. Then, walk back and try the machine right next to the one you already played. You know you should’ve played that one in the first place. It was speaking to you, but you didn’t go with your gut. If for some crazy reason you don’t win the jackpot on that one, walk away again. Seriously. Walk away, and go straight to a roulette table.