Secrets After Dark (37 page)

We stand facing each other, eyes blazing, both breathing heavily with our indignant passion and wounded pride.

I can tell from the way Dominic’s fists are clenched hard, his knuckles white, that he’s being racked by strong emotions. We’re both trying to stay anchored to common sense but it’s becoming increasingly difficult as the things we’ve kept hidden from each other are revealed. The possibility of grim revelations and of broken trust suddenly seems closer than it ever has.

‘How does Anna know about the marks on your back?’ I cry.
I’m the injured party here!
‘That’s all I want to know. Just tell me that.’

Dominic is breathing hard, his lips set in a straight line, his expression glowering. When he speaks, his voice is like steel. ‘And I want you to swear on your life that nothing has ever happened between you and Dubrovski. Come on, Beth. Swear.’

I stare back at him.
Swear,
I command myself.
You’re innocent. Tell him.

But the memory floats into my mind. I’m up against a cold wall of rock in the catacombs. A man is fucking me hard from behind and I never see his face. He only whispers to me, so I never hear his voice, not properly. I know in my heart that Dominic never truly confirmed one hundred per cent that it was him. I just wanted it to be him so badly that I believed it. The truth is, there’s a chance that it was Andrei.

Swear now! Do it!

But I can’t. I can’t swear on my life that nothing happened. Because there’s a tiny chance that it did.

Dominic’s face is changing. Real horror is crossing it, and in his eyes I can almost see love shattering and turning to dust. ‘Beth,’ he says, his voice broken. ‘No. Please, Beth, swear to me nothing has happened between you.’

I open my mouth. I try to say it. But I can’t.

He puts his face in his hands. ‘Oh Christ, no. Not this. I can’t stand it. Not you and him.’

I want to run to him, grab him, make him listen. I want to tell him everything, spill it all out – all my hopes and fears and worries, everything I’ve suffered since that night in the caves. But I don’t do that. I’m frozen to the spot, stiff and cold as a traitor. Instead I say in a voice I hardly recognise as my own:

‘How does she know about the marks on your back?’

‘I don’t know!’ he yells, making me jump.

‘Is it because she put them there?’ I persist. I just don’t want him thinking about me and Andrei. The idea of what pictures he might be seeing in his head sickens me.

‘No! No! For God’s sake, she didn’t put them there.’

‘Then who did?’

‘
I did!
’ It bursts out of him. ‘It doesn’t matter now, not any more. Shit.’ He walks to the dining table, puts his hands on it and leans forward as though he hasn’t got the strength to support himself any more.

I can’t believe I’ve heard him right. ‘
You
did?’

He looks up at me wearily and I almost flinch at the coldness in his eyes. ‘Yes. I’ve been punishing myself for hurting you. After what happened on Sunday, when you used the safe word, I felt tormented enough to try and beat out my desire to go too far.’

Mortification of the flesh. Where did I hear those words?

‘So now you know,’ he says. ‘It wasn’t Anna. It was me, with my knotted scourge, attempting to cleanse myself.’ He closes his eyes and looks beaten. ‘Laugh if you like.’

‘I’m not laughing,’ I say in a small voice. I’m almost humbled that he would treat himself like this, and punish himself for hurting me. ‘You don’t need to do that.’

‘I know that now,’ he says bitterly.

‘I didn’t mean that—’

‘Beth. Please. You know the truth. I honestly don’t know how Anna knows I’ve got marks on my back, but she does. I don’t know how she knew about what happened to us before – maybe it was a lucky guess. But I can swear to you that I’m innocent and you can’t make the same vow back. And that tells me what I need to know.’

‘Dominic...’ Now my voice is full of pleading. My anger is dissipating. He’s been honest and now I want to be honest with him and tell him the full story.

He looks up at me, hope burning in his eyes. ‘Can you swear?’

Swear, goddammit!

Slowly I shake my head.

‘Fuck.’ He spits out the swearword venomously, then says stonily, ‘Get out. Please. Just go.’

I try to speak but he cuts me off.

‘Go. I’m begging you. I can’t bear to see you right now.’

I can see it’s pointless to continue. I walk to the door, turn and look at him. He’s leaning on the table, staring at its surface, his shoulders drooping as though he’s defeated. I yearn for him so badly, and yet I feel like we’re a hundred miles apart.

‘Goodbye, Dominic,’ I say softly. ‘You know where I am when you’re ready to talk.’

He says nothing. He doesn’t even turn around to watch me go.

I feel like I’m closing the door on my dreams.
I think it’s over. I think that really happened.

No. As long as I believe in you and what we have, I’ll fight for you, Dominic. I promise.

Epilogue

The take-off is so smooth, I hardly realise that we’re airborne. The plane is incredibly luxurious. I guess the one that took Mark and me to France was just one of the fleet, while this is obviously the command ship, Dubroski’s Air Force One. Now we’re on our way to Russia.

Andrei has already shown me the two bedrooms, each decorated like a suite at one of the most expensive hotels in the world. Now he’s sitting in a leather armchair in the plane’s sitting room, a cup of coffee on the table in front of him, alongside a sheaf of photos.

‘Beth,’ he says, ‘which one of these do you think is best?’

I put down the magazine I’ve been skimming, get up from my own chair and go over to see what he’s looking at. On the table in front of him are photographs showing children in a cheerful room decorated with posters, books and toys. The youngsters are all under the age of ten or so, and they sit on big bright cushions reading books or playing with toys. Some sit on a small plastic slides or dress up in funny hats. Others are wearing aprons, holding paintbrushes and concentrating hard as they slap colour onto pieces of paper.

‘I like this one,’ he says, pointing to a picture of two angelic-faced children bending over a jigsaw.

‘What’s it for?’ I ask.

‘It’s some publicity material for an orphanage I sponsor in Russia. We’re always looking for new donors to support the work they do there. And hoping to melt a heart or two so that some of the children might find new parents to love them.’

I look over at him, and notice how much softer his face is when he looks as these pictures. He looks up at me and says, ‘One day you should come and visit with me. You would love these kids. I wish I could give them all home – but this is the best I can do for now.’

‘They seem very well looked after,’ I say softly. I’m seeing a side of Andrei I didn’t know existed. ‘The orphanage looks wonderful.’

He nods. ‘Yes, I insist on that. Clean, happy, well equipped.’ He fixes me with those blue eyes of his. ‘Because I was an orphan myself, you know. I have an idea of what it’s like. Only I was in an orphanage during the Soviet years. Not fun at all. That’s why I tell them to put plenty of colour around. Children need it, it helps them feel happy.’

I feel sorry for him. No wonder he grew up tough and hard. But now he’s able to give something back to stop other kids being brought up that way. ‘I agree with you,’ I say. ‘That jigsaw picture is excellent.’

‘Good. Then that’s the one.’ He sits back, satisfied. Now he’s looking at me again, those piercing eyes reading everything about me. ‘Beth, are you all right? You seem very low.’

I smile but I know it’s a weak one. ‘I’m fine. Really.’

Of course I’m not. I’m in complete turmoil. I’ve heard nothing from Dominic and he’s not returned the message I sent asking to meet so I could explain:

Nothing happened with Andrei
.
I’ll explain why I didn’t swear – just let’s meet and we can clear this up. Please, Dominic, don’t let Anna win by destroying us.

But my words have clearly left him cold. I can hardly bear the grief that’s engulfed me and I’m only coping by going numb. I still haven’t quite taken in that it might be over. When I do let that thought into my mind, it’s so terrible I have to shut it out again. I tell myself that I won’t let it be over, and refuse to contemplate the idea that it’s finished.

‘It’s been a very strange week,’ Andrei remarks pensively. ‘I’ve both gained and lost a lot. I’ve gained a great deal of money with my successful deal. But I’ve lost Dominic, my trusted colleague.’ He shakes his head. ‘I should have seen that coming. I’m a fool that I didn’t.’

‘So – he’s resigned?’ I ask, my stomach fluttering at the sound of his name. It’s such sweet agony to hear it.

‘Yes. He thinks he can play me at my own game now,’ Andrei says, and shakes his head. ‘He’ll learn.’

‘You’re not... angry with him, are you?’ I ask tentatively. Dominic was always so apprehensive of what Andrei might do when he’d left.

‘Angry is not the word,’ Andrei returns, and he leans back and closes his eyes for a moment. ‘A little bored that I’ve got a new adversary, that’s all.’

‘Surely he’s not an adversary—’ I begin, but Andrei opens his eyes and cuts me off.

‘The saying is, “He who is not with me, is against me.” As a rule of thumb, it’s worked well for me over the years. Don’t worry. I’m sure I can handle Dominic.’

‘But he learned all he knows from you,’ I point out. ‘Perhaps he’s even learned how to out-think you.’

‘Ha!’ Andrei’s laugh is loud and sharp. ‘I would like to see that. I really would. But I won’t.’

‘You’ve also lost Anna,’ I say. ‘Has she gone to set up against you as well?’

‘No,’ Andrei says shortly. ‘And I didn’t lose her. I threw her out.’

‘You said you would tell me why.’

‘I don’t think I did say that, but I suppose it can’t hurt.’ Andrei takes a sip of his coffee before replying. ‘I sacked her because I discovered that she was in possession of some hallucinogenic drugs, and I suspected she may have been using them to doctor my drinks. It would certainly explain some of the more extreme experiences I had with her while we were making love. I always thought it was the effect of vodka – now I’m not so sure.’

My breath feels like it has been punched out of my body. The memory plays in my mind as vividly as film. I’m in the catacombs by the bar and here is Anna, she’s toppling on to me. She’s taking my drink. She’s showing me her shoes and directing my attention to the dance floor. Then, she gives me back my drink.

Don’t you want to know who fucked you in the caves, Beth?

She did it! She spiked my drink. I’m certain of it. A wash of horror mixed with relief floods over me.

‘What is it, Beth?’

‘I accused you of drugging me, don’t you remember?’ I say excitedly.

‘Of course.’

‘But it wasn’t you or the barman – it was Anna. She came over and she must have slipped something in my drink then!’

Andrei frowns. ‘But I never understood why you thought you were drugged.’

‘Because I... because I felt so strange and disconnected, and then I passed out like that. And now we know that Anna has done the same to you, it makes sense, doesn’t it?’

‘I can see that she drugged me to increase my pleasure with her, and to keep me tied to her. What would be her motive for drugging you?’

I stare at him and he looks at me with those impassive blue eyes, his expression set, his mouth unsmiling.
Ask him. Ask him if he made love to you that night. Do it.

I say, ‘I think she was jealous of me. She wanted to cause mischief.’

‘And did she? Did something happen to upset you?’

I speak slowly, feeling my way towards what will help me find out what I need to know. ‘I don’t know. I... I can’t be sure. I might have hallucinated events that didn’t take place.’

He raises his eyebrows. ‘Talking mice? Rainbows? Pink elephants with wings?’

‘No... something more personal than that.’

‘A hallucination?’ he asks in a low voice. ‘Or just something you hope was a hallucination?’

‘Andrei, you found me in the caves, didn’t you?’

‘Yes, I did.’

‘Was I asleep, or awake?’

‘You were both. Drifting in and out of a happy, sleepy sort of state. You were talking about Dominic, though I couldn’t make out what, exactly.’

I feel a rush of joy and pain. I must have just been with Dominic! He must have left me only when he heard Andrei nearby, and I can’t remember it because of the damned drug.

Oh Dominic, I could have sworn to you and been telling the truth! I should have trusted all my instincts and asked you straight out about the caves! Then we would never have got into this awful mess...

I want to pick up my phone and contact him at once, explain what a dreadful mistake we’ve both made, but I can’t. Not right now. I must control myself and wait until I have the opportunity, once I’m on my own.