Secret Worlds (315 page)

I pushed back the tears, smacking away the ones that fell down my cheeks. I took steps forward, moving closer to the crossover and farther from my heart. I fell deeper and deeper into despair, hoping at some point I would become numb and all the pain would fade away into a distant memory. I could only hope that day would be sooner rather than later. I feared my heart would kill me after all.

***

I was sure I had walked for hours when I found a familiar path. The same curve of the path leading uphill to the mountainside to my right. Even the sound of rushing water filled my ears, and as the pond came into view, I still didn’t want to believe what I saw.

Somehow, I had walked in a circle.

I turned back down the path, continuing farther. I passed the stump Danst sat at. He gazed at me with weary eyes. Past the pond, the path, and Danst again. I stopped, panting.

“I don’t understand. I keep going in circles.” I started to pace in front of him.

He glanced up from the ground, moving mostly his eyes, which were sad and spoke of feeling sorry for me. “I tried to tell you that, but you didn’t want to listen.”

“Well, can you lead me to the crossover? I don’t think I have the strength to do it alone, and I can’t keep running in circles.”

“You’re not running in circles,” he said.

I paused in my pacing to meet his gaze. Not a hint of a laugh played on his lips. Instead, they were pulled taut into a grimace.

“What?” I asked.

“You were going straight and down the right path. But you don’t want to leave, so it keeps taking you back to Marren.”

I couldn’t lie, I didn’t want to leave. I struggled with myself over leaving. I even found myself finding reasons to stay, but I had to convince myself leaving was for the best because Marren didn’t want me.

“I can’t explain why, but you will only drive yourself crazy going back and forth on this,” he said softly.

I fell to my knees and sobbed, “But…Marren…doesn’t…want…me…any…more…” My words came in between sobs and breaths.

Danst knelt beside me, wrapping his arms around me and rocking slightly. “How do you know?”

“I just do.”

“Did he say so?”

“No. He doesn’t need to. He says enough by ignoring me, avoiding me, and keeping me locked in that room.”

“Relena, did anything ever occur to you that perhaps he was trying to protect you from the people who nearly killed you?”

“No, but if he was so concerned with my safety, why didn’t he rescue me? Why didn’t he explain to me? Why does he keep hiding things from me?”

He let out a heavy sigh and then released me, sitting on the ground. “I’ve known Marren for a long time, Relena. If I know anything about him, it’s he doesn’t let anything get in between what he wants unless he’s bound and forbidden by the other Ancients. You are in our world now. You must obey the rules they set, or life can be like the Netherworld.”

“But Marren is an Ancient, and he broke the rules by staying on the mortal realm longer than he should have.”

“He stretched the rules on that one, and things are a bit more delicate now that you are here. He doesn’t want to upset them and set them against him, you, and those who side with him.”

“Why doesn’t he tell me these things? He always keeps these things to himself until he’s given no other choice, or I drag everything out of him.”

“That is something you should ask him.”

“How? He won’t talk to me. He avoids me as much as possible.” I sniffed, wiping the back of my hand across my nose. “He won’t even touch me. He can barely look at me. You think I’ve got this all wrong? I feel shunned and rejected, and he does nothing to change that. He only makes it worse.”

“For what it’s worth, I think you should go back and wait it out. I’m sure he’ll come around.”

I nodded and stood from the ground. “Thanks, Danst. You’ve been a great friend.”

“I know.”

“Please tell Marren he knows where to find me if he wants me to stay.”

Danst’s face grew dark. “Relena, I told you, you can’t leave.”

“Why? Because I’m going in circles? Tell me how to get back, please. It hurts too much to stay, and what you ask of me may as well push me over the edge and kill me altogether.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” he said.

I nodded. “Fine, I’m on my own.”

***

The frustration grew within me. No matter what I did—no matter what path I took—it all led me back to that point, staring at the entrance to Marren’s home. A place I truly believed I belonged. I spent the entire night trying to find a way out, desperate to get away from the reality staring me in the face.

The sky lightened into shades of orange, and yellow where the sun was peeking, and the dark blue of the night faded into the light blue of the day. Clouds drifted lazily, carried by a breeze that seemed to be pushing me toward the doors. But I didn’t want to go. I may not want to leave, but I didn’t want to stay either.

Why would I want to be where I’m not wanted?
I sighed, resigning myself from my stand and giving in. If this was what fate had in mind for me, then so be it. Obviously, leaving the realm wasn’t an option.

Taking slow and steady steps forward, I approached the door. I pulled on the handle. The door gave way easily, again. I stepped inside and found someone. He was reluctant to help me, but I told him I wanted to go to bed and had been up all night long. He nodded, and I recognized him as the werewolf who took me to the hot spring pond to bathe in the day before or however long ago it was. Time seemed to be somewhat subjective. One day blurred easily into the next.

The door opened with no evidence of my ever being there. I collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes.

***

I awoke sometime near dusk with a loud commotion going on outside my window. I wondered if it was the celebration the werewolves planned to put on for me, but I didn’t want to delude myself into thinking I held any importance any longer. I stood at the window, but I didn’t want to gaze at the festivities below. I stared at the scenery, where sky kissed mountain and ground in the same bordering line of the horizon. The night sky was darkest at that line and lightened ever so slightly the closer the sky stretched toward me, as if the color ran out the closer it got. And it made sense, because I thought my life lacked the color and the luster it once had.

A knock at the door startled me from my thoughts. I turned finding the door opening as I started to approach.

“A’lainn,” Enid said.

I forced back the tears of joy stabbing at my eyes and forced a smile to my face, but still, my heart broke. “You’re still calling me that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because, I—” I paused and took a deep breath to calm myself. “At least I still have one friend left here.”

“Is everything okay? You want me to get Marren?”

“No,” I said, then added following the look of confusion on his face, “Marren, doesn’t want…to be bothered by me, right now.”

He didn’t seem convinced, but he nodded slowly as if he understood and held his hand toward the door. “I would like for you to come on a walk with me.”

“I can’t leave.”

“A’lainn?”

“I can’t leave. I can’t…”

He sighed. “That’s all right. Whatever is bothering you, I’m sure there is a perfectly good explanation.”

“I tried to find that explanation but the only thing that has come to me is I’m not wanted anymore.” I turned around and walked to the window again. “I’m sorry, Athair, but I cannot go anywhere until I can cross over. From there, I will spend the rest of my life living alone. What I’ve done has shamed him. He won’t speak to me or even look at me. I’m sorry, but I want to be alone.”

“Very well.”

I heard the door close, letting the tears fall down my cheeks in a steady, flowing river. The ache in my body was like a horrible weight on my shoulders, pinning me down to the ground. I was stuck, unable to leave and forced to remain out of sight. Shunned. Rejected. Unwanted.

The door to the room opened up, and I knew better than to think it was Marren. I even somewhat scorned my heart for reacting as though there was enough hope to even warrant the jump in pace. I heard steps come in a few feet then turn and walk back out, closing the door.

I turned, finding a tray of food sitting on the bed. My mouth turned to ash, and my stomach churned. I didn’t want to eat. There wasn’t a reason for me to. I hated myself, my life, and I somehow managed to lose the one thing I loved and let into my heart. I didn’t deserve to eat or be brought food. I picked up the tray and sat it by the door carefully, then walked back to the bed and crawled in.

Three days passed, blurred like a faded dream or the memory of one. I couldn’t be sure if I was forgotten in that room or if everyone had left and moved onto better things. It was quiet. It was cold. It was empty. I was alone.

The sky outside the window had turned cloudy with chunks of puff colored a darkened gray. Rain filled the air, sweetening it with the promise of a cleansing shower. I decided that I needed to get out of the room and find a place to let the rain come over me.

I stepped out into the hall and tried to use my memory to find the cliff that Marren had taken me to.

Marren…
Did he think of me as often as I thought of him, or as fondly? Did he miss my touch as much as I missed his? Did he miss the scent of my hair, the warmth of my skin, or the sweetness of my kiss?

These questions tortured me in the late hours of the night when I would wake from a dream of us, in a place where this stupid war didn’t exist, and he touched me freely and willingly. A place where the mere sight of him didn’t hurt until I woke. Then the memories of reality come flooding back to me in a rush and bring me back to the lowest, darkest place of the world. Alone within myself, despairing and left wanting.

I found the cliff and almost ran out to let the air and rain touch my skin. The sound of the drops pattered the earth around me and not in any particular rhythm. Thunder rolled through and shook my muscles, and then the rain lightened and slowed. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned to walk back inside, recognizing I got all I would get. I stopped short, finding Marren standing in the doorway. He seemed shocked and like he hadn’t slept in days. My heart jumped, skipped, and raced through beats. I clutched myself tighter, hoping to keep it inside me even though the gesture was symbolic at best.

He took a step out into the light rain. It glistened and ran down his skin and moistened his hair. It made me want him in ways he couldn’t want me anymore. I dropped my eyes and even though tears fell, mixing with the rain, my voice came out even. “I’m sorry; I only wanted to feel the rain. I’ll leave you be.”

I went to walk past him. Hoping he would ignore me and pretend I wasn’t there, because that seemed easier than clinging to the hope he still cared for me.

I made it to the doorway before I stopped at the sound of his voice in my head.
Don’t go.

His whispered voice was so soft and subtle, I thought for a second that I had imagined his words. My heartbeats drummed loudly, to the point they overwhelmed the rain falling pattering against the ground. I turned slowly, hoping what I saw wouldn’t push me over the edge. It wouldn’t break my heart to the point it would never mend, and I would never recover…succumbing to my demise.

He stood there, facing me with his hand out toward me, beckoning me to take it. His eyes soft and gentle.

Please.
His voice begged. But I couldn’t be sure he truly spoke to me. Did he really call me to him?

He nodded once toward me.

I’m scared.

Of what?

You’re not real. This isn’t real.
I have no idea why I said those things. Perhaps it was a way to test myself. How far I could push myself before I broke?

Relena, I’m real. Please, stop torturing yourself and come to me.

But, I thought…

I’m aware of that, and despite my efforts to reach you otherwise, you seemed content to punish yourself. Not eating? Relena, think of the child.

You hate me and the child. Why concern yourself with us?

I don’t hate you. I’ve told you this numerous times. Please, uwoduhi, join me.

I stepped toward him, keeping my eyes locked on his, praying deep inside, he wouldn’t disappear or change his mind. My eyes dropped to his outreached hand, and I lifted a trembling hand toward his. My heart pounded heavy and hard. My breaths came short and rapid. My hand grazed his as my fingers slipped in between his and folded over the back of his hand. The warmth shot up my arm, chilling the rest of my body. He pulled me into him so quick I sucked in a breath. His arms tightened around me, squeezing me farther into him.

“I don’t understand,” I said. My words muffled by Marren’s chest.

“It’s a very long story, and I’m so sorry I had to put you through that. I truly am. But let’s hope they need no further proof or explanation.”

“But, you’re touching me…” I licked my dry lips, despite the rain, “willingly touching me.”

He pulled away from me enough to tilt my head up toward his with the tips of his fingers.
It has been the hardest thing to do. I can’t stay from you anymore. It’s killing me, can’t you see that?
His mouth collided with mine—kissing me with such fierce urgency it almost scared me.

Can’t you see that I would rather have death than to deal with life like that anymore?
I said in our private way.

Nevermore, Relena. Nevermore.

“Promise me,” I said pulling away to gaze into his eyes. “Promise me you’ll never make me live another day without you.”

“I promise.” His arms tightened around me, and I rested my cheek against his chest and listened to his heart drumming.

I thought to myself, how could I be foolish enough to believe he did all those things of his own will? I had my answer. “Was that the test?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes. But, I don’t think it’s over.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure yet, but this isn’t over, and that’s why I wanted you in that room. Jiren can take any form and so he could’ve come back for you and killed you himself. I didn’t come and get you because I, too, was under suspicion. I had to sit by and wait for word or you to arrive. I’m so sorry, Relena. I truly am. I was just as tortured, if not more.”