Seasons of the Heart (46 page)

Entering a café, he groped through the darkened room, found a table and seated himself. The café was filled with an assortment of painters, writers and expatriates all assembled for the same reasons, not only to escape the ugly realities of life in a bottle of wine and a cheap meal, but also to reach out in the need to touch one another’s lives. To talk … to laugh … to listen … yet not always to hear. It made life bearable to know one had friends in adversity. Rubin sat by himself enjoying the sounds, catching fragments of conversation. The smoke-filled room gave it an atmosphere of such intimacy that Rubin felt himself a part of the camaraderie. He was so carried away he forgot his promise to write Jocelyn.

The shirt-sleeved waiter asked. “
Que desirez-vous
?”

Rubin looked at the large blackboard attached to the wall. The bill of fare was the same each day …
escargots
… salad … onion soup … bread …
fromage
, and, of course,
vin ordinaire
, table wine, either red or white.

Rubin ordered onion soup, bread, and red wine. Later the waiter could bring Camembert. Suddenly Rubin remembered the postcard with the picture of the Eiffel Tower. Taking it out of his pocket, he began his soliloquy. He got as far as “My dearest Jocelyn” when a hush fell over the room. The strains of a gypsy violin began, and a voice so soft, so sensuous, beseeched … no, demanded … silence. Rubin looked up from the card, the pen poised in his hand, and sat, unable to move. It was not only the music that aroused him, it was also the girl. He had never seen anyone so magnificent. Her deep amber liquid eyes looked at each man as though she were his and only his. Her hair, which gave the illusion that it had not been coiffed, was parted in the center and hung loosely to below her shoulders. Her skin was silken smooth. The sheer white peasant blouse was cut deeply, revealing the top of her perfectly rounded breasts, which rose enticingly as she sang. Her waist was slim, encircled by an eighteen-inch belt above a black satin skirt which revealed her slightly full hips. The slit on the right side exposed her exquisitely shaped legs. The movement of her body became feline. When she finished the applause was tumultuous. She threw back her mane of tousled hair and laughed, parting the extraordinary red sculptured lips. There were shouts for her to sing songs Rubin had never heard of. When she sang in Italian she was bawdy and naughty. …No one need understand the language, the gestures spoke for themselves. And when she sang in Rumanian she was sad, poignant and lovely, ending in tears. And the song she sang in French brought tears to Rubin’s eyes.

Finally, after a long sip of wine, she began a wild gypsy song. As the rhythm gathered momentum, the crowd clapped along with her until the song reached a crescendo. Completely spent, she took another sip of wine, then half whispering, half talking, she said, “
C’est tout. Je vous adore, mes amis, bon nuit, mon ami.
”

Wiping her forehead she left the small stage and joined her friends. Rubin could not take his eyes away from her. He sat in the shadows, watching. He would wait all night, if need be, until she was alone.

Closing time was three in the morning. That was always the happiest moment for Pierre, the waiter, when he could lock the front door and begin putting the chairs upside down on the round tables with the red and white checkered cloths. Then the lights were turned off except for one which cast eerie shadows on the walls.

Rubin had sat so unobtrusively in the corner all evening that Pierre was surprised to find him still sitting there, with just a small amount of wine left in the bottle. He said, “Monsieur, we are closed.”

Rubin looked somewhat startled. “Oh! I am sorry, but I’ve been sitting here daydreaming … enjoying the wine and silence.”

Pierre narrowed his eyes suspiciously on the stranger. “You have nowhere to sleep?”

Rubin was feeling lightheaded and courageous. He scarcely heard the waiter as he looked at the young woman who sat a few tables away from him.

“Monsieur?”

Rubin looked up. “
Oui
?”

“I asked, do you have a place to stay?”

“Oh … oh,
oui
,
merci
. What do I owe?”

“Four francs.”

Rubin paid, rose unsteadily and walked to the table where he stopped, looking down at the magnificent bowed head of soft amber-brown hair. Suddenly the head lifted and a pair of wide eyes flecked with green and gold met his. Close, she was more beautiful than he had imagined. She did not speak, but merely took the wine glass in her hand and sipped, peering over the rim. Her eyes inspected him openly, observing each feature of the handsome young face. Rubin was, frankly, overcome. Jocelyn crossed his mind as he saw himself lying beside this girl. …Then he felt awkward, doltish, for staring at her as though he were mute. He found his intermingled feelings both exciting and frightening at the same time. He
wanted
her so—

“Why do you stare at me like that? You think I am so grotesque?” She narrowed her eyes and threw back the heavy mane of hair.

He tried to find his voice as she draped her left arm behind the chair, crossed her legs, then slouched down slightly so that his eyes fell on the low-cut blouse. Finally he answered, “I think you’re magnificent.”

She laughed, with a sensuous huskiness. She’d heard that too many times to believe it. Shaking her head she answered, “Magnificent … only magnificent? That, monsieur, is the best you can say?”

In spite of the bitterness in her voice he repeated, “Yes … you are the most magnificent looking woman I have ever seen.”

She pursed her lips. “You’ve already imagined how magnificent I would be in bed … yes?”

Rubin ran his tongue around dry lips. “I’ve imagined all sorts of things this evening since I saw you for the first time.”

“You’ve been here all evening?”

“Yes …”

She laughed. “You found the vintage wine and the singing so exciting, so fascinating that you could not find the power within yourself to leave without paying me the homage all great artists deserve, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Yes,” she goaded him, “but you also have nowhere to go, you are lonely. Let me guess … you are a painter or a writer who has not been able to sell your work. You feel that I could help you through the night, am I right?”

“You are wrong. I am none of those things. My name is Rubin Hack, and my home is in London. I’m on holiday, and I have a room—”

“Ah,” she said, shrugging her shoulders, “you have a room, you are English and speak French better than me. So I guessed wrong, it won’t be the first time. Life is full of little surprises.”

“You’re quite right, mademoiselle. If I had not wandered in here this evening, merely by accident, I might never have had the joy of seeing you perform—”

“However, you didn’t stay just to pay me compliments, you stayed because you thought it would be easy to share my bed … Don’t lie to me, I’ve known too many men since I was twelve. I pick and choose with whom I sleep. I’m not a whore, you know.”

Rubin bit his lip and looked away from the anger in her eyes. “I’ve obviously offended you, and I haven’t meant to. Forgive me. Please.”

She searched his face. When had anyone last begged
her
forgiveness? “Sit down, Rubin Hack.”

She looked at him as he sat across from her. There was something very different about this one, in spite of the studied Bohemian pose. He was not like the pigs she had met in her travels. She took a sip of wine. “I’m like a million other girls in Paris who have more than their voices to give … or sell. Tell me, Rubin Hack, honestly, why me?”

“If I did, would you believe me?”

She shrugged.” Perhaps … maybe your lies will sound more sincere than most—”

“I simply couldn’t leave without meeting you … speaking to you … hearing your voice for my ears alone—”

“Ah!” She laughed. “You are a poet.”

“No, I’m a barrister, and I have never been so affected by any woman in my life.”

She pursed her lips. “And what does that mean?”

“It means I was to be in Paris for a fortnight, but I am going home as soon as I can book passage.”

“Really? And why would you do that?”

“Because I can’t risk seeing you again.”

This time their eyes met. She had known men too long not to believe him. …He was more than fascinated with her. But then her eyes grew soft and for the first time she let down her defenses. …Rubin had evoked a feeling foreign and unknown to her.

More gently she said, “Out of simple curiosity, why, may I ask?”

“For the very unsimple reason that if I see you again I may not find the power inside myself to leave.”

“And what would prevent that? Are you married with ten children?”

“No, but I’m to be married,” he answered seriously.

“And your moral principles would not permit an
amour de coeur
.”

“Yes, I’m afraid that’s it.”

“And with your English upbringing you have never had an affair with a woman?”

“Not since my engagement, no. But at this moment, the decision not to see you goes beyond any principles.”

“Really?”

“Yes … in my fantasies you’ve already been in my arms, I’ve made love to you. But even when the fantasy passed I realized that what I wanted was to have you with me, I was jealous of the men who …It’s crazy, I don’t even know your name …”

She appraised him carefully. “My name is Magda. …Magda Charascu. I am Rumanian, a Jewess from Bucharest, and I wish to apologize for being so rude and sarcastic.”

“Please … please do not apologize. It is I who should do that, but in my desire to speak to you and my … well, I have been presumptuous.” The words tumbled out painfully.

Was it possible he did respect her? He certainly seemed to. But how little he knew about her. Magda laughed bitterly to herself.

She was playing the same game she had played a thousand times. The verbal fencing to keep a man from thinking that she could be taken easily … or cheaply. But Rubin had affected her physically. She
wanted
to sleep with him. She had from the first moment she had seen him. But
love
… hardly …Behind her façade she loved no man, no man was worth loving. But love had nothing to do with lust, of course not, so she took only from those she chose, and threw back the others—

Pierre coughed and cleared his throat. “It’s three o’clock, Magda.”

Magda got up, took one last sip of wine and said, “Come along, Rubin Hack, you may walk me home.
Bon soir
, Pierre, and turn off the light when you leave.”

“You tell me that every night.”

“And if I didn’t you’d forget.” Laughing as she left, with Rubin following, she first unlocked the front door, then shut and secured it behind them.

They walked six blocks in silence, then turned onto a narrow cobblestoned alley. After another few steps Rubin found himself walking up four rickety flights to Magda’s room. The door was unlocked. Opening it, she turned on the bedside lamp. A clothesline was stretched from one corner of her small disheveled garret to the next. She yanked down the line hung with stockings, a camisole, sheer panties, chemises, and threw them into a corner. Without apologizing for the unmade bed, the dressing table layered with dust, the cheap perfume and cosmetics, she motioned Rubin to sit in the battered, torn red velour chair.

Out of habit rather than modesty Magda stood behind the cheap silk printed screen and undressed, throwing her stockings, skirt and blouse over the top. Seconds later she emerged, dressed in a sheer wrapper through which Rubin could see the silhouette of her exquisitely slim body. Her breasts were firm and provocatively ample, with delicately distended nipples. It was impossible for Rubin not to look. She seemed so casually unaware, almost like a naïve child. She had the ability to make her body a natural thing, as unself-conscious as the statue of a Greek nude he had been so affected by at the Louvre. However, she was not a statue. …She was flesh and soft, and he wanted more than anything in his life to feel her suppleness yield underneath his body. To touch her, to explore the inner depths of her passion. Out of fear that he would be premature, he sat rigidly, holding himself back with all the discipline of which he was capable.

He watched as Magda went to the small cupboard and took out two glasses. “What will you have, absinthe or wine?”

“Wine.”

She handed the glass to Rubin, then lay down on the brass bed, propping the pillows as she sipped. There was an awkward silence between them. Finally Rubin asked, “How long have you lived in Paris?”

“For five years now, since I was fourteen.”

How incredible, Rubin thought, a child, a mere girl alone in a place like Paris. Of course, he had guessed how she had survived but it seemed that life had never touched her. Life is an illusion anyway, Rubin thought. We see what we want to see. …What’s real and what’s not lies in the eyes of the beholder, like beauty.

As though she were reading his thoughts, she said, “Don’t be curious about my life. It is no different from a million others. If you become hard enough you become strong enough not to let life beat you. Tomorrow or the next day you will be gone. What contribution could I make to your memories?”

“But you’ve already done that. I will never forget that I have met you.”

“Yes,
of course
.” She pursed her lips. “You will remember me as you remember what you had for dinner last Tuesday. I don’t feel like playing games this early in the morning. Do you have a cigarette?”

Rubin walked to the bed, sat on the edge and flipped the package. Magda took out a cigarette and put it in her mouth. She waited for Rubin to light it. He struck the match. His hand trembled. Magda watched the performance, then took his hand and guided it. She inhaled deeply, blew out smoke, clouding her face like a veil. “Do you want me so badly that you must act like a schoolboy visiting a bordello for the first time?”

“I want you as I have never wanted anything … or anyone in my life,” he told her, and meant it.

She reached for the ashtray and snuffed out the cigarette. Unhurriedly, she opened the front of her sheer wrapper and slipped out of it. Then she pulled the sweater over Rubin’s head, unbuttoned his trousers and slowly undressed him until he lay alongside her. Passionately, hungrily, he kissed her … explored her. And for Rubin it was as though he was entering a bottomless ocean of pleasure. The waves covered him with love, dissolving his want and need, and then … the sea became calm and serene, and the whole world was a nineteen-year-old woman named Magda.