Authors: Desiree Wilder
Brynn was out of breath when she came back to me and took her beer.
She took a couple of sexy swigs. “Will you dance with me to this slow song?” she asked with a smile and raised eyebrows.
“If I don’t, are you gonna run back to Jake?” As soon as the words left my lips I knew they were unfair.
She looked at the stage, hurt.
I reached for her but she turned and glared at me. “I didn’t mean that,” I said. “I don’t know why I even said it. I’m sorry.” I was being a lousy boyfriend and I didn’t know why.
“You should be,” she said. She turned her attention back to the stage, where she kept it for the rest of the show. She didn’t move her body or drink her beer. She just watched, expressionless. It was because of me and my childish, unfounded jealousy. I was glad the show was almost over. I couldn’t stand to see her so sad.
“That was awesome!” Gia said as she walked up to us.
“Yes, it was!” Brynn told her and Ethan with a big smile, not wanting to spoil their fun. She was so much more mature than I.
We headed for the limo and I took Brynn’s hand. She didn’t grasp back but she didn’t pull away
, either. We all jumped in and tried to decide where we were headed. We asked the driver if he’d mind just cruising around for a while. We drank champagne and talked about the weekend. I told Ethan and Gia I wanted to take them to the zip-line the next day and they were all for it.
“Isn’t that where you two went on your first date?” Gia asked.
“Well, second, actually, but yeah, might as well have been,” Brynn said. “It’s a blast, you guys will love it.”
“You’re coming, right?” Gia asked her.
“I don’t think so. I’m zip-lined out.” She laughed. “But maybe I could meet you when you get back, before I go to work.”
“You love the zip-line,” I said as I tried to read her. She wasn’t giving anything away.
“Yeah, I did, I mean do. I’m just not up for it this time.” She smiled at Ethan and Gia before she looked out the window. My heart sank. Gia and Ethan both gave me dirty looks.
We decided to call it a night so we could get up the hill early in the morning. We wanted to make sure we were back in time to have a nice dinner with Brynn before she went to work.
“You can drop me at Parkside Apartments first,” Brynn told the driver. “Since we’re already on this side of town.” I wasn’t happy about it, but she’d told me earlier she’d be in her own bed at the end of the night, alone, and that was what she was going to do. She was so aggravating sometimes!
I got out of the car to walk her up even though she told me it wasn’t necessary. She didn’t want to talk to me but I didn’t care. I took her hand but as soon as we entered her building
. She yanked it away and ran up the stairs. I followed her.
“Brynn,” I started. She quickly turned and got right in my face.
“No!” she said. “Don’t even start with me. I’m not in the mood for your shit!” I’d never seen her angry. It surprised me.
“Brynn,” I tried again.
“Sean, I’m warning you. If you don’t turn around and walk out of here, you’re not going to like what I’m going to say to you. Just go and we’ll talk Monday after we’ve had some time to think.” She was calmer but I knew she was serious about me not wanting to hear what she wanted to say.
“Okay. I’m sorry, for everything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Thank you for still being committed to the talk on Monday. I’ll see you tomorrow when we get back.” I kissed her cheek and watched as she unlocked and went inside.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Gia yelled when I got back into the limo.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“She’s about had enough of your bullshit and I don’t blame her! You act like such an ass sometimes! Are you trying to get her to dump you? Because that’s what it looks like.” Gia was pissed.
“Why are you so mad?” I asked her.
“Because she’s my friend and she’s getting her heart broken. Sean, you’re supposed to be my best friend and I love you, why are you acting like a complete douchebag?” She and Ethan were waiting patiently for an answer.
“I don’t know. I need to figure it out. I love her.” My eyes got big and my heart pounded as I realized I’d just said that out loud. Gia gasped and she and Ethan smiled.
“Well, there you go,” Ethan said. “Love makes us do crazy things. You need to figure out why you’re so scared of being in love and get over it, like I told you earlier.”
“You need to tell her you love her,” Gia said. The thought of it made me sweat.
“She’s not ready,” I whispered.
“Yes, she is,” Gia said as she took my hand. “She’s waiting for you, dummy.” I looked at her, then at Ethan. They were both smiling like proud parents whose little boy just solved his first riddle. Was she r
eally waiting for me? Surely not. She was the one who needed to go slow; Gia had even told me that. I was in pause mode because of Brynn, not me.
***
When I got home I texted Brynn.
Zip-line won’t be the same without u. call if u change ur mind.
I didn’t get a response. I showered and ate something before I texted again.
I miss u. I wish u were here. Im sorry.
I was really pathetic. I didn’t know what to say to the woman I loved to get her to talk to me. I put in a movie and ate Ben & Jerry’s. I couldn’t concentrate and I didn’t know what to do. I went to bed. I tossed and turned as I replayed the last few days’ events in my mind. I had been a douchebag, Gia was right. But why? I struggled with it until 3:30 a.m. before I fell asleep.
“Jesus, you look like shit,” Ethan said when I met them at the hotel for breakfast.
“Yeah, thanks. It was a long night. I don’t want to talk about Brynn today. I just want to take you two to one of my favorite places and enjoy the day.” It was the only way I was going to get through it.
“Okay,” they agreed.
We had a nice breakfast and a great ride up the mountain. I thought of Brynn all the way, of course. As I watched Ethan and Gia zip together, I felt happy for them, not jealous of what they had. When I hit the third platform, I smiled. When we stopped and swam at the waterfall, I took a little walk by myself and sat in the sun where Brynn and I had gone that first day. As I sat there alone, I broke down. We’d had so many great times together and they all hit me with a rush. I couldn’t lose her. I had to fight for her. I had to show her how I felt about her.
As soon as we got back down the mountain
, Gia called Brynn and made a plan to have pizza together before Brynn went to work. I couldn’t wait to see her. When we pulled up to her building, she was waiting outside. I was bummed that I wouldn’t have that moment alone with her at her door. She hopped in the back seat with Gia and I immediately smelled her vanilla.
“Hey, Brynn. How was your day?” I asked.
“Good, thanks. How’d you guys do?” She looked at Gia.
Gia told her all about it as I drove to the pizza place. I kept looking in the rear-view mirror but Brynn kept all her attention on Gia. She seemed to be happy coming along and she looked beautiful in her jean shorts, white tank top
, and flip-flops.
We sat in a booth and I took advantage of it
, sitting so close to Brynn that we touched every time one of us moved. We all talked, laughed, and had a good time, but it wasn’t the same between Brynn and me. She didn’t ignore me completely, but she didn’t talk directly to me unless I asked her a direct question. She was giving me the cold shoulder.
Dinner was over way too soon and I dreaded taking Brynn back to her place.
“Don’t you need a ride to work?” I asked hopefully.
“No. Maria’s going to drive tonight.”
“You’re coming to the airport tomorrow, right?” Gia asked.
“I have rehearsal first thing in the morning,” she said. Gia gave her a sad face. “But, yes, I’ll ride along to the airport if you want.” She gave in. My heart jumped.
“We’ll pick you up at one,” I told her as she jumped out of the Tahoe. “Have a good night at work.” She smiled and waved right before she disappeared into her building.
“That was
n’t good,” Ethan told me.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” I said.
“Don’t worry,” Gia said. “You two will work it out tomorrow after we leave. That’s why I insisted she come to the airport. It gives you two some alone time. Don’t screw it up!” She hit me on the back of the head.
“Hey! I appreciate the set up but I could’ve done without the abuse,” I told her.
“I’m serious, Sean, don’t screw it up!” she repeated. Ethan chuckled.
I dropped them off at the hotel
, where they were going to enjoy a romantic night together in the Jacuzzi tub. I headed home. It was another long night alone for me.
***
Ethan, Gia and I had breakfast together and then did a little shopping before we picked up Brynn. Again she was waiting outside when I pulled up. She looked tired as she hopped in the passenger seat, which Ethan so generously gave up for her.
“Hi, beautiful,” I told her as I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
“Hi, everyone,” she smiled into the back seat.
It was a short drive to the airport and I was thankful for that as I listened to their conversation about who was a better dancer, Channing Tatum in
Step Up
, or Channing Tatum in
Magic Mike.
They seemed to be leaning toward the latter since he took his clothes off more. Ethan and I just shook our heads.
“We really do want to come see your show,” Ethan told Brynn as he hugged her good-bye. “Don’t forget to clear your schedule for the wedding!”
He hugged me and told me to take care of her. I hoped she’d let me.
Gia and Brynn hugged for a long time. It warmed my heart that they’d gotten so much closer over the weekend. Gia and Ethan were really supportive and proud of Brynn and they’d done a great job showing that to her.
I held onto Gia for a while. It was always hard saying good-bye to her and I knew she hated it, too. “Take care of her,” Gia whispered.
I nodded. “I love you,” I told her.
“I love you, too,” she said.
I watched as they entered security and when I turned to Brynn, she was gone. My heart started to race as I looked every direction. I spotted her going out the door, headed to the Tahoe. I ran to catch up and finally did
in the parking lot.
“You’re a quick one,” I told her as I speed walked beside her.
“Yeah,” she said. “I couldn’t watch you make a fool out of yourself again, so I decided to save myself and head to the lot.”
“How was I making a fool of myself?” I was curious. I unlocked and opened her door. She jumped in and pulled it shut.
“How do you feel about Gia?” she asked. I started the Tahoe and backed out of the spot.
“She’s my best friend. I love her.” Brynn knew that.
“How do you feel about me?” she asked.
“What do you mean? You know how I feel about you.” I tried to take her hand but she
refused.
“No! I don’t! Tell me!”
she yelled. It startled me. I’d never heard her yell.
“You’re the most important person in my life,” I said.
“What does that even mean? You don’t think I can see the feelings you have for Gia? The way you look at her and jump for joy every time she calls or texts?” She shook her head as she looked out the window. “When she needs you, you drop everything. When we were at Sunset and you said Ethan was lucky because she loved him…how do you think that made me feel?” She turned and looked at me. Her eyes were tired, sad and hurt.
“I thought you were falling for me,” she continued as she looked down at her hands. “I thought I could make you get over her. I knew she was hopelessly in love with Ethan and I figured you’d come to your senses. I’m just so tired of being second choice all the time
. I deserve to be someone’s first choice. Didn’t I give you enough to earn that?” She looked at me. My heart was breaking over her words and what she thought was true.
“Brynn, I did fall for you. You are my first choice. Yes, you gave me…”
“I gave you all of me!” she interrupted. “I was open and honest. I shared private things with you. Things I’ve never shared with anyone. You can’t give me what I deserve. You’re saving that for someone you can’t have. You’re scared. You’re a coward. You’re selfish and you broke my heart. I trusted you and I loved you.” Tears ran down her cheeks.
I pulled up to my place and ran over and opened her door. “Brynn, come inside so we can talk this through. Please, that’s not the way I feel
.” I tried to hold her but she pushed me away.
“What are you gonna do?” she asked. “Go to the wedding and object? Tell Gia how you’ve been obsessed with her? Well, you don’t have to be scared of losing her, Sean, because you can’t lose someone you’ve never had. Me, on the other hand, you have had. You’ve had me since that third platform on the zip-line and now, you’ve lost me. All I wanted was to be your girl, like you said I was. I’d never been anyone’s girl.” She pushed me away from her, hard. She walked into the street
, put her hand up, and was in a cab in two seconds.
I was flabbergasted.
Where the fuck did that just come from?
She had me all wrong. She totally overreacted about Gia. I ran up to my apartment and fell onto my couch. How could she possibly believe all that? I needed to give her some time to think. She’d realize that she’d always been my first choice, obviously. I knew I never had a shot with Gia. I knew she and Ethan belonged together. Yes, I wondered what might’ve happened if I’d made moves on her while they were broken up, but so what? People wonder about the ‘what if’s’ all the time! It wasn’t like I was ‘obsessed’ with her… was it?
I’d never seen Brynn like that. She’d never raised her voice or cried.
Oh my god!
She said she loved me. She said I broke her heart. She said I had her, but lost her.
No!
I couldn’t lose her. I called her and got her voicemail.
“Brynn, I know you’re upset and don’t want to talk to me right now, but you have to give me a chance to
defend myself against the things you’ve just accused me of. Please, call me back. We were supposed to talk all this out today. Please, give us that chance.”
I didn’t know if she’d call
, but I was praying she would. I couldn’t believe she actually felt the way she said she did. It was all a big misunderstanding. It was some kind of jealousy thing she had about how close I was with Gia. I knew she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.
I decided to study for a big exam I had coming up. I sat at the bar in my kitchen with all my notes and books. I had to read every paragraph three or fo
ur times and even then, I didn’t comprehend it. I couldn’t concentrate. All I could think about was Brynn. I called her again.
“Brynn, I’m worried about you. Will you please call me? This is all a big misunderstanding and I need to talk to you about it. I know I can make you see the truth.”
I put in a movie and laid on the couch. I couldn’t get the picture of Brynn crying out of my head. She had to have been really hurt to allow herself to cry.
Fuck!
I left my apartment without turning anything off. I sped across town to her apartment building and knocked on the door.
“Brynn.” I leaned my head against her door. “Please open the door. I need to talk to you.” I knocked again, and again. I pushed my head harder against the door. I couldn’t hear anything coming from inside. “Brynn
, please,” I begged.
When I got back home I tried to study again but couldn’t. I didn’t know where she was or what she was feeling. Was she still crying? Was she alone? Was she okay? I was driving myself crazy. I was lost.
***
I woke up in bed, not remembering even going there. I grabbed my phone but had no missed calls.
There was one text, but it was from Gia letting me know they’d made it home safely. I showered and tried to eat some breakfast. I called Brynn before I headed to school.
“Good morning, Brynn. I’m going crazy not knowing if you
’re okay. I’m so sorry for everything. I still think we can work it out if you’ll just give me a chance. Please call me.”
School was torture. I watched the clock and my phone all day. Every second that ticked by without a word from her was painful. I didn’t take any notes or hear any words that were spoken. I moped from one classroom to the
next, wondering what I was even doing there.
I went directly to Brynn’s apartment from school and had a replay of the day before. I’d knock and call out to her, but no one would answer. I didn’t know if she was home or not. It was Tuesday
, so I knew she had the night off. I sat in front of her door for several hours. People walked by every now and then, but no Brynn.
When I got home
, I left Brynn another message begging her to call before I went to bed. The rest of the week went about the same. By Friday, I was losing my mind. I’d decided I was going to see her over the weekend no matter what. If I had to camp outside her apartment or Sashay, then so be it.
I pulled into Sashay at seven-thirty Friday night. I knew she started at eight and I didn’t want to risk missing her. At nine-thirty I still hadn’t seen her.
Fuck it!
I went in. I sat in one of the chairs along the stage and had a beer. She didn’t dance during that time and I didn’t see her on the floor, either. After an hour, I headed to the caged window to buy a private dance.
“Sorry, Angel isn’t working tonight,” the lady said. “I’m sure one of the other girls could take care of you. How about Candy?”
“Where’s Angel?” I demanded. The lady’s eyes grew big.
“She’s not here.”
She nodded to someone.
“Where is she?” I yelled as I pounded my fist on the counter. A big burly dude threw me out.
Fuck!
I went to her apartment. No lights were on and no one answered the door. I sat there, slouched in front of her door like a vagrant until
midnight. I drove home and called her.
“Brynn, please. It’s been almost a week.” I got choked up just saying her name. I didn’t leave my apartment for the rest of the weekend. I called her twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. I begged and pleaded, but she never responded.
I left for school early Monday morning so I could swing by the studio where she’d done rehearsals before. There were only two cars in the parking lot and the sign on the door said they didn’t open until ten, so I hung my head and went off to school.
***
The next three weeks went about the same way. I called Brynn twice a day, every day. Some days I looked for her, some days I didn’t. I was depressed, to say the least. I’d started seeing Dr. Miller every other day. We were working on some things, but it was slow going. My schoolwork was shit and I’d barely passed my last two exams.
I came home from school
on the Friday before Thanksgiving break to find a letter that someone slid under my door. I picked it up and my heart beat faster. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I held it and breathed in the vanilla. I held it to my chest for the longest time, not knowing if I wanted to read the words inside. I took a deep breath and opened it carefully.
Sean,
Please forgive me for walking away from you that day and never looking back. It was the only way I could go through with what I had to do for myself.
I truly believed, and still do, everything I said to you that day. I saw the signs early on and I should’ve trusted them to be true, but my feelings for you and your reassurance that you felt the same for me, made me hold on longer. I’m sorry for that.
It’s been over a month now, Sean, and I have to ask that you stop with your phone calls and trying to contact me. You’re making it hard for me to move on and to have the happiness I deserve. I’ve met someone and you need to move on, too.
I wish you all the best and hope you find every happiness.
Brynn.
“No!” I screamed. I reread the letter. I smelled it. I reread it. I cried as I slid down the wall in my kitchen and fell to the floor in a heap. I grabbed my phone and called her.
“I won’t stop until you talk to me, face to face. He can never feel the way about you that I do. I won’t stop!”
I was devastated. I sat for the next two hours and went over every single word she’d written. I had to see her. I didn’t give a fuck that she’d met someone. There was no way in the world he could love her as much as I did. I showered and headed to Sashay.
I stayed low as I entered, hoping no one would recognize me as the crazy guy at the cage demanding to know where Angel was. I took a stool at the bar along the stage and kept my head down. I was on my third beer when the announcer said her name. The anticipation of seeing her made me weak in the knees and heavy in the chest. I took a couple of deep breaths before I peeked onstage.
The music started and the three girls with their backs to us snapped their fingers along with the beat. I knew exactly which one
I was there to see and didn’t take my eyes off her. The three of them were in total sync with each other and the music as it kicked in. They turned to the crowd and rolled their heads as they mouthed the words. I read Brynn’s lips, ‘I want you tonight, I want you with me, make me guilty of love in the first degree,’ then they all played air drums in perfect unison. I about passed out.
They danced their way toward the pole and Brynn gave a
crowd pleasing show on it when she got there. The other two danced on either side of her as Brynn took to the floor and rolled and writhed as she mouthed the lyrics. ‘Take me in your arms, roll me through the night, take me to your heart, rock me tonight.’ As she turned her head to the side seductively, her eyes met mine. She visibly gasped, but found her composure and continued with more fiery conviction.
She went at it hard. She was angry and hurt. She was pissed
off. She hopped on the guy’s lap who was sitting next to me and rode him as she actually belted out the lyrics. She glanced at me with fire in her eyes, and as she rocked against him, her leg brushed against mine. She grabbed the front of his shirt with her fists as she shouted to him to ‘take me to your heart, fuck me tonight!’
I jumped up, startling her to stop as I held my hands up. I didn’t want her to continue to fulfill the dude’s fantasy on my account. The bouncer grabbed Brynn around the waist and off the guy’s lap. “Angel, that’s enough!” he said. She glared at me through hurt, teary eyes before he carried her to the back room. She kicked and yelled for a minute, but then went limp in his arms. I followed them. I had to, it was the closest I’d been to her in over a month and I had to talk to her.
“Hey, Sean, that’s not a good idea.” Maria had me stopped, turned, and headed back toward the front door before I even recognized her.
“I have to,” I said. “I need to talk to her.”
“Not now.” She pulled me out the front door and around the corner. “You’ve got to back off. You’re going to get her fired, is that what you want?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Maria, you’ve got to help me. I’m lost without her. I have to talk to her. This is the first time I’ve seen her in a month. I didn’t even know if she was okay.” I wiped a tear from my cheek. I was desperate.