Saving My Submission BN (21 page)

As he devoured me in fervid kisses, I moaned in a
carnal melody of delight. With his long, languid strokes, he seemed as if he
were struggling to hold back. A part of me felt cheated. I didn’t want him
censoring a single need or emotion, not when he demanded I give him
my
all. Watching the growing toll play across
his face, I dipped my chin and swiped my tongue over his flat nipple. His body
grew even more rigid as a growling curse rolled off his tongue. Determined to
find the key to release the beast he held caged, a wicked idea slid though my
brain.

“Harder, Master Stephen,” I whispered. “Use me. Use me
hard. I want so bad to… God, please… let me please you, Master.”

“
Fuckkk
,” he roared.

A streak of something wild flashed in his eyes. Joshua
clenched his teeth and began to drive into my cunt like a man possessed.

Inside I cheered.
This
is what I wanted… For him to shuck off his kid gloves and unleash his
animalistic desires. Wild and untamed, Joshua claimed me in a frenzy of
thrusts, grunts, and growls. Pounding into me, I realized that neither Joshua
nor his alter ego Master Stephen had allowed their inhibitions to run free for
a very long time.

An unexpected wave of submission swelled, swallowing
me whole. Stripped of my resolve to never unfurl my surrender, I floated like a
bird toward the heavens. Surrounded in the surreal, white peace, I tried to
claw my way back to reality, but the hold of completeness was too strong.
Serenity saturated my pores, seeped into my bones, and left me feeling small
and fragile... breakable, and so very frail.
  

“You’re fucking perfect,” he spat. His tone held an
icy, savage edge, and damn, if it didn’t turn me on even more.

“Take me… all of me, Master Stephen,” I cried. “Use me
hard. I’m yours.”

There was no need to bait Joshua’s beast further, but
I couldn’t stop myself. My submissive pleas nurtured us both. Freed, he feasted
on my acquiescence, ruthless and feral, as I willingly fed him the pieces of my
resurrected submission.

“When I tell you to come, girl, come hard for me. It’s
mine,” he hissed.

Jerking back, he yanked me onto his thighs. Pinching
my waist in a grip so tight I’d be wearing his bruises for weeks, Joshua
hurtled me up and down his cock. Burnishing my clit against the root of his
shaft, the swell of release burned. Clawing at his back, I held tight to his
body… to my orgasm… and to what shards of sanity hadn’t slipped through my
fingers.

A fierce expression etched his face.

Narrowing his eyes, he delved deep into my soul, and
in that one precious moment in time, he owned me. Remnants of my independence
vanished like smoke. Losing myself so freely, I waited for the toll of pain to
pierce my heart, but it didn’t. Instead, an unequivocal liberation consumed
me—all because of his command.

“Give it to me now, girl,” he insisted. “Come for me.
Now. Fucking come hard!”

As if I were a bird, Joshua snipped my wings and I
plummeted into a swirling abyss of pleasure. I closed my eyes to savor our
mingling screams, and the feel of his cock jerking and sputtering as he spilled
his hot seed into the latex barrier.

He gripped me to his chest and my pussy compressed
around his shaft, gnawing with spontaneous spasms. His drumming heart pounded
against my cheek. Sweat soaked, we clung to each other, holding tight long
after our breathing evened out, and the rippling quivers of pleasure faded.

He was unusually quiet. In fact, Joshua hadn’t uttered
a single word since he’d ordered me to come. Silently he lifted me off his cock
and stood.

“I’ll go get a shower started for us,”

“That’s okay. I’ll grab one back at Sanna’s place.”

He froze as if I’d cast a spell on him. Turning
slowly, he pinned me with an angry scowl. “No. You’re staying the night here.
With me. In my bed.”

Without another word, he stormed into the bathroom. I
watched as he flushed the soiled condom down the toilet, then twisted the knobs
inside the shower.

My inner sub bowed her head in compliance, while the
sovereign woman I feared had been lost bristled at his callous directive.

“Joshua, I’d like—”

“So, it’s back to Joshua again now, is it?” Standing
in the doorway of the bathroom he arched an arrogant brow.

What the hell?

Undaunted, I raised my chin; all semblance of
submission disappeared without a trace. “I’d like to discuss the fact that you
want me to spend the night with you.”

“No, you’re searching for an excuse to run from me
again. Christ, it’s written all over your face,” he spat in disgust.

“What is wrong with you?” My tone was combative, but I
didn’t give a shit. He was acting like a pompous prick and I aimed to find out
why. “I’m not running, but it sure seems as if you are. You’re not even
listening to me. You’re shutting me out behind an impenetrable wall of
Dominance. I didn’t give you my submission to toss in the garbage like a pile
of dog shit. Why are you being so callous and rude?”

“Is that why you’ve decided to lock the sub back in
her cage?” he countered with an angry sneer.

“I asked you first.” My reply sounded stupid and
childish, but he’d backed me into a corner. Right or wrong, I came out
fighting… it was my nature.

He lowered his jaw and flashed me a condescending
smirk as if to say; ‘
Really? That’s the best you
can do?
’

Blinded by a red haze of rage, I leapt from the bed
and gathered up my purse and clothes. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. You’re
going to think exactly what you want to regardless of anything I try to say.
But just for your information, I wasn’t questioning the great and powerful
Master
. I was trying to
communicate
with you. But you’ve got your
bad-ass Dom persona slathered on so thick you can’t see past your own fucking
ego.”

Storming out the door, I slammed it behind me. Naked
as a jaybird, I nearly collided with James as he walked down the hall.

“Whoa,” he declared in stunned surprise.

Rage oozed from my every pour. James’s expression
immediately softened with concern. He didn’t say a word. He simply wrapped his
hand around my elbow, in a tender show of compassion and drew me to his side.

“Come on,” he whispered softly. “Let’s get you
someplace quiet.”

The door to Joshua’s room opened with a bang. Wearing
nothing but his pants and pissed-off glare, he stepped into the hallway. Zeroing
in on James’ hand clasped at my elbow, Joshua’s nostrils flared.

CHAPTER EIGHT

 
“We need to
talk, Mellie.” Although he’d kept his voice low, it was rife with fury. I could
feel his anger bubbling below the surface, even though he kept it in check.

“Call me tomorrow… Sir. I think we both need some time
to cool off.”

I hadn’t intended for my tone to sound so arctic, but
I couldn’t take it back. Joshua closed his eyes briefly and inhaled a deep,
irate breath.

“Fine. Expect a call from me in the morning, but for
now, come inside and get dressed.”

I didn’t have a clue where James planned to take me,
but I knew going back inside the room with him would be catastrophic. We were
both seething; it would be like tossing a match to gasoline.

“No thank you. James is taking me someplace private so
I can dress, Sir.” At least I hoped he was. And why the hell was I still
calling Joshua Sir?
Dammit
.

He turned toward James. “Exactly where do you plan on
taking her? Surely not your
own
private room,
I hope.” His words were slathered in jealous suspicion.

What the fuck had crawled up his ass? He’d gone from a
compassionate, understanding knight on a white horse to a full-fledged son of a
bitch in the blink of an eye.

“No. I’m taking her to Dylan and Nick’s room. They’re
sitting at the bar with Savannah. Mellie will have privacy there.” James tone
was matter-of-fact. I admired the man for not letting Joshua bait him with
ridiculous innuendos.

“I appreciate your concern.” Joshua looked as if he’d
rather cut off his left nut than choke out an ounce of gratitude to James.

Both men glanced my way. Awkwardness scraped, like
nails on a chalkboard. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I snapped.

I had no intention of answering my phone
if and when
he called. There was nothing Joshua
could do or say to take back the hurt he’d inflicted.
 

For a split second, the same haunting sadness I’d seen
in the photo after his wife and daughter died settled in his eyes. A sudden
pang of guilt sliced through me. But before I could open my mouth to say
anything, Joshua turned, walked inside his room and closed the door.

James didn’t ask a word, simply led me down the hall
to Dylan and Nick’s room while a torrent of questions whirled in my brain.

Was Joshua still
struggling with the loss of his family?

Of course he was. You
of all people should know the unrelenting hurt never goes away. The best you
can do is survive the emptiness… one day at a time.

“Do you need to file a formal report?” James asked as
he turned the key and opened the door.

“What?”

“A formal report about Stephen? Do I need to get Mika
down here?”

“No, of course not. Master Stephen didn’t do… Really?
You honestly think he’d…” I couldn’t believe James would insinuate such a
thing. “He’s the last person in this club who would ever do something
non-consensual. We had an argument. It wasn’t even lifestyle related.”

“Don’t get all riled up and in my face. I’m just doing
my job, girl.”

“Our friendship is new but Stephen… err, Master
Stephen is an outstanding Dominant.”

Just not at the moment.

“I know. But even so, you’re upset and I need to find
out if he crossed a line. Look, I’ll let your sister and her Masters know where
you are.”

“No.” I demanded. “I’ll join them at the bar in a few
minutes. Just don’t say anything to anyone, all right?”

“All right. All right. Calm your horses. Christ, are
you always this high strung?” James frowned.

I shot him a pained expression. “Look. Thank you for
your help, okay?” It was a half-assed show of gratitude, but I was all talked
out. With a sad sigh, I closed the door in his face.

Fuming, I threw on my clothes, well… all except the
stupid corset. No matter how hard I tried to attach the metal busks, the damn
things kept coming undone. Too frustrated to deal with it, I tossed the garment
aside and began to pace.

I had no idea what I’d done to enrage Joshua. Maybe it
wasn’t
me
that tripped his trigger. Maybe
it was self-inflicted. Pondering the time between our mind-blowing orgasms to
his icy silent withdraw, I grew increasingly convinced his mood shift had
nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his late wife.

It would be an ironic and fatal combination if both of
us suffered from the same fear of attachment. No, he was too confident, too
successful, too… much like me.
Shit
. We
probably wore identical masks, but simply couldn’t see them... or chose to
ignore them. I knew well how to align smoke and mirrors to hide my soul; I’d
been doing it for years. Did Joshua possess the same knack to keep people from
crawling inside too deep, as well?

Sanna’s confession swirled in my brain. She’d closed
herself off after the death of our parents. Dammit, she’d hit the nail on the
head when she accused me of being afraid to love for fear of losing someone. I
wasn’t afraid to fall in love; I was terrified. Maybe Joshua was too. The
similarities between us weighed like a medicine ball in my gut. He was right
about one thing… we did need to talk.

I’d learned two important rules that day… Never pick a
fight with a Dominant until you know what ghosts are rattling around in his
closet, and never try to put on a corset alone.

As I made my way toward the dungeon, my boobs peeked
out from beneath the skewed top. Pausing outside Joshua’s door, indecision had
me in a stranglehold. Should I leave him alone, or should I reach out to him?
If he were battling demons from his past, I could lend him a shoulder. After
all, I had experience with the emotional fallout, not to mention it was a
compassionate thing to do.

Raising a fist to knock, I stopped. All I had were
suppositions. I lacked the pieces of the puzzle to his sudden snarky, sullen
mood.
Maybe if you’d tried a little harder to
find out what was bothering him instead of arguing with him, you’d have the
info you needed.
The sub inside picked a stellar moment to raise her
head. I exhaled a perturbed sigh. I owed him an apology, but dammit, he owed me
one too… either that or an explanation. It wasn’t too much to ask.

Sucking in a fortifying breath, I closed my eyes and
knocked.

“It’s open,” Joshua barked from beyond the door.

From his tone, I surmised he hadn’t sweetened up much.
I gave serious thought to walking away. My luck, he’d open the door and see me
ding-dong-ditching like a six-year-old. It was bad enough feeling so
ridiculously awkward, like I did back in high school; my insecurities left the
same bitter residue on my tongue as they had back then.

Gripping the handle, I turned the knob and opened the
door. Joshua sat on the edge of his bed, legs spread, shoulders slumped and a
glass of that nasty amber Scotch in his glass. Still naked from the waist up,
he raised his head, issued a heavy sigh then glanced back at his drink.

“I’m sorry I disturbed you. All this can wait until
tomorrow,” I backpedaled, instantly regretting my decision to help him.

“No, it can’t, Mellie. Come in and close the door,
please.”

Swallowing tightly, I did as he asked and before
making my way to where he sat. Joshua put the glass down and stood. Taking in
the state of my corset, a tiny smile pulled at the side of his mouth.

“Come here.”

I wanted to rush to his arms, feel his lean body
against mine. Hear him tell me in that calm, reassuring voice that everything
was going to be all right. But this wasn’t Disneyland. No amount of magic pixie
dust could float our excess baggage to the heavens.

When I slowly stepped toward him, he reached up and
began to align the steel busks on the corset.

“I’m sorry I lost control earlier,” he began. “I don’t
expect you to excuse my behavior and I’m not ready to dissect it with you, yet.
I need time to sort it out. But I had no right to be cruel and inconsiderate.
I’m truly sorry I was such a prick to you, Mellie.”

Every word he said came from his heart. It pained me
to see him drowning in remorse.

“Was it something I said? Something I did?”

“No. Not directly. You were perfect… stunning. I… you
gave me something I hadn’t experienced for a very long time. Your gift was
precious, little one. Please don’t doubt that. I’m sorry I made you think it
was you. It wasn’t… it was me. There’re things I need to…”
 

“I’m the one who should be apologizing. My stupid
knee-jerk reaction spoiled everything. I didn’t mean to let Mouthy-Mellie take
over. I should have bitten my tongue.”

Joshua shook his head. “No, little one. I don’t want a
woman who’s afraid to speak her mind. I’m truly humbled at the submission you
gave me. I’ll cherish it… always.”

Dread rose from the pit of my stomach, expanding and
thickening in my throat. His speech sounded like a preamble to ‘good-bye’.

 
“But I’ve not
earned the submission you graciously gave me… at least not yet. After learning
about your past with Kerr, I understand why submission is so hard for you.
You’ve slipped on a pair of shoes you discovered in the back of your closet.
They feel funny, their fit isn’t quite yet comfortable, and won’t be… until
you’ve had a chance to break them back in.”

I nodded and wanted to smile at his analogy. Using
shoes instead of car parts was…sweet of him. “I didn’t mean to upset you, or
call you names…they just slipped out.”

“
You
didn’t
upset me. There’s no need to apologize for calling me names I earned. You
didn’t bring this on, Mellie. I did.”

“Please tell me what happened?” I sounded desperate in
a pathetic, nagging sort of way, and cringed inwardly. Somewhere inside was a
grown, confident woman, but at the moment, the cowardly bitch was hiding.

Joshua shook his head then leaned in and pressed his
lips to my forehead.

“Your true nature calls for you to fix this, smooth
things over and make me happy… Take care of me, my problems… my issues.” He shook
his head. “But they’re not yours to fix. I have to sort my shit out on my own.”

“I understand.” I really didn’t, but I had no idea
what else to say. I issued a slight nod and a weak smile. “Well, I guess I’ll
go join Sanna at the bar.”

At least with my sister, my footing was sure and
sturdy. I didn’t have to worry about falling through the cracks and landing on
my ass.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’d like
it if you stayed. I know I’ve treated you poorly and made you uncomfortable,
but if you can find it in your heart, I’d like the chance to redeem myself.”

“I’d like to, but I’m afraid that if I stay, you won’t
be able to sort out the things you need to.”

“Probably not, but the distraction would be a welcome
relief from the…” He scrubbed a hand through his hair and let out a soft sigh.
“Stay, Mellie.”

He wasn’t asking me to help him sort his emotions. No,
this was a cry for help. He wanted me to stay and chase away the demons so he
wouldn’t spend the rest of the night re-living the past. I recognized the
underlying anguish in his request. Sanna and I had shared the same unspoken
language for years. We could talk for hours about surface things; it comforted
and kept us from delving too deeply into grief. But every once in a while the
darkness descended, and having someone beside you brought the light you
desperately needed.

“Okay,” I whispered.

A broad smile spread over his lips and my heart did a
little flip-flop in my chest. Joshua ordered a pizza and we sat on his bed,
drinking soda and watching a comedic romance. The movie was about a girl who
lost her memory every night, and a man determined to make her fall back in love
with him every day.

I almost envied her. What a blessing it would be to
wake up each morning
alone
without
retaining a single memory of the incredible time I spent with Joshua. Even the
couple bumps in the road we’d encountered didn’t take the happiness we’d shared
away. But movies weren’t real life; no, real life came with laughter, love, and
whole lot of heartbreak. Joshua would leave my heart deeply scored, it was
inevitable, but I wasn’t going to dwell on the end… I wanted to enjoy what time
we had left.

After the pizza had been devoured and the movie ended,
Joshua turned to me. A hint of apprehension marred his expression. “Can we try
this again, little one?”

“Try what?”

“The shower?”

I smiled and nodded. “I’d like that. Yes.”

He stood and held out his hand. That familiar calm,
reassurance emanated from him, and I knew the tormented Joshua had retreated.

The bathroom filled with steam as he shucked off his
pants. Standing behind me, he loosened the ties of the corset as he trailed
endearing kisses over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and lolled my head to the
side. Reaching back, I cupped his nape, drifting away on wings of delight. Once
inside the small enclosure, he pulled me beneath the spray and pressed his lips
to mine. It was the start of his slow, languid seduction.

Sliding his soap-slick hands over my entire body, he
cupped my cheeks. In his eyes I saw regret and shame. “I never want to hurt you
again, little one.”

I reached up and pressed my finger against his lips.
“Let’s not make promises we can’t keep. We need to stay in the here and now.”

“Don’t fool yourself, little one. We both know… it’ll
never be enough,” he whispered, then kissed me.

I met his passion with a burst of my own. Joshua
pressed inside me with tender indulgence. Never before had a more heart-melting
or benevolent lover carried me away. The tempo of his gliding cock never
altered, the intensity of his kiss never lessened, and beneath the compelling
rhythm of his thrusts, and fiery stroke of his tongue, I shattered. There was
no Dominance—no submission, only the muffled cries of a woman and man, lost in
splendor.