Saving Jazz (8 page)

And then Tommy made contact.

TOM ROBINSON

You people need to lighten up. It's not criminal. She wanted it.

The responses (and I think there were over two hundred) mostly contained the sentiment ‘nice one rapist'. It didn't stop Tommy.

TOM ROBINSON

For the record, it was consensual.

The responses to that drew attention to the fact that Annie was clearly unconscious during the attack. It also drew comments from Tommy's
friends who defended him, labelled Annie a slut and referenced her behaviour earlier in the night. James the ex-boyfriend weighed in.

JAMES MITCHELL

I went out with her for six months. I had no idea she was such a ho. What she was doing at the party shows that she did want it. Don't blame Tommy, if anyone is at fault it was Annie. I can't believe I went there. She is disgusting.

I couldn't believe him. James had sunk the boot in big time. He rallied the troops with his comment, and Tommy and his mates seized on it.

TOM ROBINSON

Cheers bro. Now I see why you dumped her. Can't keep her legs shut.

And on it went again.

It was truly a nightmare.

I was not surprised when neither Annie nor Jack was at the bus stop in the morning. I texted Jack on the way to school.

JAZZY

Where r u?

JACKY

In bed. Sick. Really fucking sick.

JAZZY

Seriously?

JACKY

I can't face it. The hate.

JAZZY

I know

But seriously? He couldn't face the hate? Before when it was Annie, alone, everyone was pretty fine with it all. But now Jack had to disappear because he was the target of their hate and derision? It was hard to comprehend. In fact, most things are hard to comprehend, until it's you.

Annie surprised us all by turning up late to first class. We were in Food Tech and she came in, tying her apron and pulling her long brown hair back into a ponytail.

‘Hey,' I said as I got the ingredients from the central table. ‘You okay?'

She blanked me. She gathered her ingredients and moved to her bench. I frowned. What else could have happened between the video and now — aside from the haters hating? Surely Annie could see that she had some support — as minimal as it was? I
didn't have to wait long to find out what Annie's new source of angst was. Jack texted me.

JACKY

Tommy's FB NOW

I excused myself from class and ran to the toilets. The connection was slow and I sat in the putrid toilets waiting for the page to load.

The post came up. I died.

Dear reader, please forgive me for the lapse in memory — but it wasn't until that moment, and seeing those photos, that I remembered. Sitting in the toilets looking at them on my phone, I suddenly remembered
exactly
what had happened. A black spot in my memory had been visually filled. I felt cold and then hot. I struggled to breathe. I pulled my hair off my neck and gasped for breath.

The post read: HOT CHICK ON CHICK ACTION. And there was me, cupping Annie's boobs and sticking my tongue in her ear.

We put her on the bed, her top lifts up and her boobs are poking out. I try to wrestle them back in. There is a flash and I turn to see Tommy holding up his iPhone.

‘Awesome girl on girl action,' he says.

I don't know why, but it seems funny and I laugh. I prop Annie's head on my shoulder and pose for Tommy's camera. Then Tommy says, ‘Show us your tits, Jazz.' I untie my string bikini and let it drop.

‘They're hardly tits,' he says, snapping away on his phone. And I don't know why I do it, I'm awash with some type of jealousy, but I say, ‘You want tits, Tommy?' And I lift up Annie's top, cup her boobs and make out like I am kissing her ear. ‘How about them then?' I say.

‘She's got fantastic tits,' Tommy leers.

I pull her top back down and lay her on the bed. ‘Annie, you okay?' I ask. She kind of grunts, so I get a light blanket and cover her. Then I leave.

I grappled with the images before me. I did that? I couldn't believe it — but I had. I'd treated her like a piece of meat. A drunk, passed-out girl. I'd manhandled her, touched her, abused her. My own friend.

I bowed my head in shame. No, in horror. And I remembered it. I know, dear reader, you are reeling at this revelation of me — me, the would-be campaigner for girls, the one who seemingly
defended my friend in her hour of need. But I was reeling more. To be faced with such images of yourself, acting like someone else, was horrific. In that toilet stall I remembered everything. It had seemed harmless. A joke. Propping her up and doing that. But to the sober Jazz Lovely, who was in class with the victim of her abuse? It was more than horrific. How could I have done that? What on earth was I thinking? Buoyed by booze? Fuelled by Tommy? I was sick, sick to my very stomach. I actually gagged. And here is what I did: exactly what the others had done before me. I walked out of that toilet and vanished. I couldn't face anyone. Let alone Annie.

I ignored her texts.

ANNIE

Why? Why? I thought we were friends

ANNIE

Jazz reply to me

ANNIE

You owe me that

ANNIE

I fucking hate you

I sat in my bedroom watching each text bling on
my screen. And I did nothing. I never responded to her. In the light of what happened next, I wish I had been a better person. I abused her, but then, even worse, I abandoned her.

Thank you, dear reader, for your comments of both encouragement and vitriol. I deserve everything I get. I'm not looking for sympathy. This is, according to Greek theatre, what catharsis is. The release of emotion. An attempt to make sense of the horror. And that is what I'm doing — I have no other choice. Because after I was revealed as Judas, after I betrayed Annie three times, things got so much worse. More than any of us in our little insular Greenhead community could ever have imagined.

That next day, I had to face the masses. Their judgement, their hatred. While Annie was being labelled a slut, she was the target. Then Jack and Tommy, the rapists. But I was about to be hit with
the worst of it. I know it sounds like me, me, me. But this was what I was about to face. The one thing you can be sure about haters is that they love to hate. And give them something out of the norm — they'll find a way to hate it more. I couldn't shake the images. I'd stayed up all night on Facebook. I'd watched the mud slinging, the things they were saying about me. ‘Dog act.' I knew Annie had been watching too, and Jack, and Tommy — from his protected little hidey-hole. All of us, alone in our rooms, yet spectators at the same show. It was unavoidable. I couldn't escape the confrontation and there was no point in delaying it further. I had to go and face them. Face Annie.

Annie wasn't at the bus stop in the morning and my heart sank. What if she didn't turn up? Then I had put myself out there for nothing. I shrugged, it didn't matter anyway — this wasn't something I could run from forever. She was making a habit of missing the bus — I could only wonder what she was telling her parents to get them to drive her in each day. I sat at the back of the bus with my headphones on. Jack was still absent and though I'd thought he was such a coward before, now I really understood
why he couldn't face anyone.

When I arrived at school, I was surprised by the lack of interest in me. Sure, there were a few looks, guys sharing their phones around. But what was the point in worrying if the images were of me feeling Annie up? Everyone had seen them. I just had to find Annie and apologise.

The hallways were quiet. It was like today was a rostered day off for most students. I walked to home room. Where was everyone? I put my bag in my locker and Mr Taylor, the Dean of Year 10, came by.

‘There is a full-school assembly in the gym, Miss Lovely,' he said. I know I was in a full state of paranoia, but did he look at me disapprovingly? Did he know what had happened? Why was there an unscheduled assembly? As I neared the gym I heard the voices of the school, but again, it sounded different to normal, not as raucous, not as loud. It sounded subdued.

‘What's going on?' I asked Paige, a girl from my homeroom. Her eyes flashed something, I don't know what — disgust?

‘Not sure,' she said, ‘but some shit's gone down.' And then I wasn't being paranoid — she turned her
back on me. I moved into the gym with the others and sat in the Year 10 section. No Jack. No Annie. No Tommy. I was the guilty party without a party. I hugged my knees. The principal stood behind the lectern.

‘We have a very grave situation unfolding here at Namba High School,' he said, and my heart sank. This was about the party, the pictures, the rape. Annie. ‘The relevant authorities have been called and parents are being notified.' I saw them all look my way. At that point I wished I was dead. I hugged my knees tighter. ‘Annie Townshend attempted to commit suicide last night.' And then my ears went deaf. I couldn't hear the words he was saying. I watched his mouth moving, but I couldn't hear a thing. Annie had attempted to kill herself. Annie was dead? Or wasn't? I got to my feet. Every head in the gym turned my way. But I moved to the side and looked at Mr Stock. ‘Toilet,' I mouthed. He shook his head, indicating I should sit back down, but I couldn't. I ignored him. Walked straight past him and outside. I collapsed onto one of the benches. I had to get out. But then there was a hand on my shoulder. It was Miss Jones, the school psych

‘Jasmine?' she said. I looked at her and I couldn't speak. ‘Come to my office.'

I sat on her couch and stared numbly at her.

‘What happened?' I asked finally. She put a box of tissues on the round table in front of me.

‘Annie is your friend.' It wasn't a question. But I shook my head.

‘No,' I said. ‘She hates me.'

Miss Jones looked perplexed. ‘You had a fight?'

I nodded. ‘What did she do?' I asked.

‘I don't want to go into the details,' Miss Jones said, ‘but she tried to end her life. Her mother prevented it. She's in hospital.'

I sighed, but it came out as a sob. ‘She's not dead. She's not dead.' I couldn't believe it. For those few minutes I thought she was dead. I thought we had killed her. It was an enormous relief. The burden had lifted.

‘She's not dead,' Miss Jones said, and then she grasped my hand. She said very softly, ‘She's in a very bad way, Jasmine. She's on life support. It doesn't look good.'

And then that burden fell straight back over me. Oh God. What had we done? ‘I'm in real trouble,'
I said without looking at Miss Jones. ‘I've done something bad.' She nodded and passed me a tissue.

‘The school is aware of some circumstances leading to this situation. But what do you know, Jasmine? What can you tell me?'

I shook my head. ‘I can't tell you.' I realised that if I said anything they would go after Jack. Tommy could die for all I cared — he had no remorse. But Jack. And what about me? My part in it?

‘I had a fight with her and ignored her last night.' I started crying. It wasn't as if that was my only crime, or even my worst one. But at that point it was the only thing on my mind. If I had responded to her messages, maybe she wouldn't have done this. ‘I need my mum,' I said. Miss Jones nodded.

‘I'll call her,' she reached for the phone. ‘Jasmine,' she said as she punched in the numbers, ‘it's all going to come out. Mr Fletcher is going to want to speak to you.'

I nodded, but there was no way I was talking to the principal, or anyone else, until I had spoken to my mum and dad.

The thing about parents is they can shout at you, ground you, take away your phone and internet, make you do chores, but when they say ‘I'm so disappointed in you' it's a killer. It cuts deep, worse than anything else — or so I thought. My parents didn't even utter those words. My mum just cried and cried, and my dad, well, he didn't even come to the interview. After, my dad wouldn't look at me. I knew then that something was broken forever.

‘What's happened?' Mum asked as she rushed through the door of Miss Jones' office. I looked at Miss Jones, who stood up.

‘I'll leave you two,' she said, closing the door behind her.

‘Jazz,' Mum sat opposite me, ‘talk to me. You're scaring me.'

I sniffed and wiped my eyes. ‘Things have got out of control.'

‘Things, what things?' Mum sounded panicked.

‘A party, last week,' I said.

‘Whose party?' Mum ran a hand through her hair. I wasn't making this easy for her to follow, but the real words I needed to say were blocking my throat.

‘At Lily's,' I said.

‘Were you there?' Mum frowned.

‘Yes,' I nodded, facing the first glint of disappointment in her eyes. ‘I told you I was staying the night at Sim's but I went to a party instead.'

Mum sighed, ‘Oh Jazz, what happened?'

‘It got a bit out of hand. We got pretty drunk.'

‘You? You got drunk?'

I thought, you haven't even heard the half of it.

‘Not just me, everyone. Annie the worst.' Suddenly the words started rushing. ‘She passed out. She got drawn on and she got …' I gasped for air, ‘drawn on with texta and then she got … touched, by some boys.'

‘What?' Mum shook her head. ‘What?'