Saving Amy (5 page)

Four drinks in and I was getting a little bored. Things didn’t look so beautiful anymore. I considered going home but then remembered I still had half a pouch of magical powder left. I recalled Leon’s words in my mind – ‘it’s cool if you manage it properly’. I assumed he meant not to overdo it. What the hell, I decided. It wasn’t like I
needed
it. I just
wanted
it. When I started to feel like I
needed
it, I’d stop. Simple.

After I’d finished up rationalising with my subconscious I headed to the ladies room. I was soon
back
in that thoughtless paradise and it felt easily as good as before – if not better. The warmth, the calm, the delightful tingle dancing through my veins like sweet music…

Back on the dance-floor I was startled by someone wrapping
their
arms around my waist. Instinctively I prized them off and spun around. It was a man with short brown hair spiked into a quiff at the front, light-green eyes which sparkled under the fluorescents and dressed in a muscle-hugging fitted black shirt and jeans which hung low – exposing the neon pink waistband of his boxer shorts. Like everything else tonight, he was beautiful.

We didn’t speak. We simply danced – grinding our hips together and flirting with our eyes. Or at least
I
was – he seemed too preoccupied staring at my boobs to look into my eyes. I felt sexy as hell right now and so I didn’t hesitate when he asked me to join him somewhere a little quieter.

He led me by the hand to an abandoned parking lot outside around the back of the bar. Then he pushed me lustfully up against a wall, the cool brick sending divine shivers down my spine. I used my arm as a barrier between him and my fragile ribs and threw my head back exposing the throbbing, wanton vein in my neck as he kissed hungrily along it.

I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of our ragged breathing. I felt so alive. So wanted. He hitched my dress up and in one lithe movement he was holding me up. Using the wall for support against my back I wrapped my legs around his waist and he grabbed the underside of my thighs.

My subconscious – that irritating voice which seemed intent on ruining all traces of fun in my life – mumbled something about protection but I dismissed it immediately. I felt so powerful – nothing could hurt me now. I was living for that very moment and that was all I allowed myself to focus on.

It was over too quickly and he lowered me down. His eyes had changed. They were darker without the bright lights and suddenly I felt intimidated by them. Swiftly, he pulled up his zipper and started to walk away without so much as breathing a single word. But then he paused and looked back at me – making eye contact for the first time since I’d met him. I watched inquisitively as he reached into his pocket and removed a five-dollar bill. Then he threw it at my feet before walking off into a crowd of other men who were laughing and cheering him on.

I slid down onto the damp, stone floor. I felt empty. Worthless. Utterly humiliated.

I couldn’t feel my heart beating anymore.

I laid down on the cold concrete and made patterns in the dirt with my fingers. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. I was numb. Frozen. Ashamed…

I rolled backwards and my head knocked into something cold and hard. Looking up, I realised it was a fire escape. It was only two stories high but I felt compelled to climb it.

It stopped alongside a heavy duty, metal door. I rested my body against the safety rail and looked out onto the city. The buildings ahead parted in front of me and I could see out onto the brightly lit streets. The colours were still there. So were the people and the lights. Everywhere was so full of life. Yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to find the beauty.

I felt so alone. I was standing there in this massive city and nobody knew. Nobody cared. There were swarms of people below me and I meant nothing to a single one of them. I meant nothing to anybody.

Tentatively I hitched myself up onto the rail and swung my legs over the edge.
I
was
only two stories high
but the ground seemed so far away. It looked so inviting. For a fleeting moment I wondered if letting go would end it all. After all, I died inside a long time ago – maybe it was time for my body to catch up? The thought was painfully tempting. Would I feel it? Would I feel anything ever again?
That would show him
, my subconscious piped up and suddenly I felt powerful. This was something
he
couldn’t control. The idea of nothing… of darkness - no pain, no worry, no anything overwhelmed me and I let go.

I was flying into the icy breeze… into paradise.

I was free.

**********

“She also has a fractured wrist and some swelling to the brain. That is likely to be the cause of her unconsciousness. Going off her CT scan this morning it appears to be settling down and so we’re hoping she’ll come round fairly soon. Your daughter has been extremely lucky, Mr Hope,” I heard a man say in a voice I was almost certain I’d heard before.

I didn’t know where I was but I knew my father was with me. I felt a warm hand grasp mine, making me feel physically sick at the thought it might be his.

“Thank you, Doctor. I’ll call my wife and let her know. She is simply too upset to visit just now.” I thought it was safe to assume I was in a hospital and I found myself wondering if the doctor was falling for my dad’s bullshit.

The hand disappeared and I heard the sound of a door closing shortly after. I still wasn’t alone – I could hear the sound of papers rustling. Footsteps re-entered the room and I could hear a man and a woman talking incomprehensible jargon. I latched on to certain words – contusions, systolic, hypertension, thoracic… my ears gave up eventually.

I told my eyes to open but they wouldn’t. My whole body was paralysed. The feeling was overpoweringly frustrating and my subconscious was screaming at me to move so forcefully it deafened my ears. I sensed someone next to me – I could
hear breathing
that was out of sync with my own. Then came the sound of beeping and keys being tapped before the footsteps moved away from me, getting fainter and fainter until eventually they disappeared.

I think I was alone now. The silence was peaceful. I revelled in it, trying not to disturb it with thoughts. It was no use. I didn’t know why I was there and I had an inexplicable feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere else.

Then it hit me…

I was supposed to be free. I was supposed to fall and it was all supposed to end. If only I’d climbed higher. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be here but I was trapped in every sense of the word. I thought I was crying but I couldn’t feel the tears on my face. Then the footsteps returned, getting louder and heavier until they paused by my bed.

I could feel someone’s warm breath on my face before my eyelids were forced open and a piercing light was shone in to them one at a time. My body writhed with frustration inside. I wanted to push them away. I wanted to shout and scream and tell whoever it was to leave me the fuck alone. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do
anything
.

It wasn’t right. I wasn’t supposed to be here…

“I’m leaving now, Doctor. Please call me as soon as there’s any change,” I heard my dad say. His voice churned my stomach.

“Of course, Mr Hope,” was the doctor’s reply. I
definitely
knew his voice and my head ached as I frantically tried to wrack my memory. Seconds later the door slammed closed and immediately I felt my heartbeat begin to slow, knowing my dad had left the building.

“Come on, Sleeping Beauty. Time to wake up now,” the familiar voice said as he continued to make papers rustle and machines sing around me.

Pessimistically I told my eyes to open once more and my heart began to race in anticipation when I felt a flicker. I couldn’t see yet but there was definitely movement. I thrust all the energy my body held into my eyes, focusing solely on getting them open and blocking every other thought or sound from my mind. Gradually light began to flood my pupils, startling them as my eyelids peeled open at an exasperatingly slow speed.

The doctor was facing away from me. If I squinted I could see his ruffled auburn/copper hair and long white overcoat. I tried to speak to gain his attention but something was choking me and I gagged - coughing and spluttering and certain I was dying. I couldn’t breathe and it scared the hell out of me. I started to panic and the white overcoat flung round and towards me at lightning speed.

“Try and relax for me, Amelia,” he said as he pulled something long and obtrusive from my throat. I heaved and wheezed as I fought desperately to fill my lungs with air. “Amelia, I need you to focus for me. Deep breaths,” the familiar man ordered and as much as I wanted to tell him where to go I knew I needed to listen to him.

I drew in long, deep breaths – counting as I went. I’d taken six when slowly each one was becoming easier. I was calming down and my tense muscles started to relax. I regained the ability to breath without thinking and my efforts shifted to my sense of sight. The auburn/copper-haired doctor was scribbling away on a clipboard with his head down. Then his thumb clicked his pen closed and his eyes met mine.

Oh fuck…

“Nice to see you again, Miss Hope,” the patronising bastard said to me. It was
him
. The dodgy guy whose swanky, over-the-top apartment I woke up in after the nightmare that was Romy’s party.

“You’re a doctor?” I mumbled but suspected I was barely audible under the sound of my rasping breath. He moved to sit beside me on the bed and I felt deeply ashamed that this was the second time I’d woken up in such a desperate mess in front of this hot as hell stranger.

What must he think of me?

“Last time I checked. You’ve been very lucky, Miss Hope.” I smirked inwardly at the irony of my name.
Hope
– something I’d never been fortunate enough to experience.

“Please, call me Amy,” I interjected, noticing how well his baby-blue shirt and silver tie went together under his coat. My eyes landed on a navy-blue lanyard around his neck with an official I.D. badge attached showing his name – Dr. Richard Lewis – and a passport style photo that didn’t do his fine face justice.

“
Amy…
do you remember what happened last night?
Truthfully
this time,” he asked while raising that irritatingly gorgeous suspicious eyebrow – just like the last time we met. I considered saying no but soon realised there was no point. He might be a condescending son-of-a-bitch but he wasn’t stupid.

I decided to suss out what he already knew before I worked out how much I was prepared to divulge.

“I might need you to jog my memory a little.
You
tell
me
what happened first?” He puckered his eyebrows together in frustration and I knew he thought I was being petulant.

“Well, you were brought in at 01:54 this morning after a suspected fall from a fire escape. You presented with a GCS of nine, head trauma, carpal fracture, possible spinal damage and an elevated BP of 140/98. You should also know your blood results have shown traces of narcotics in your system,” he answered, very matter of fact.

“Spinal damage?” My heart shuddered to a near stop and I couldn’t tell if my legs wouldn’t move because I was so afraid or because they physically couldn’t.

“An MRI scan has revealed some swelling around the thoracic nerves in your spinal cord, although we expect this to subside within a few days leaving no permanent damage. In the meantime however you may experience some muscle weakness in your legs, possibly even paralysis but this should be temporary and now you’re back with us we can begin the relevant tests to show us what we’re dealing with.”

‘Should’ be temporary…

I nodded as if I understood what the hell he was saying to me. But then suddenly my body was paralysed with an even greater fear… the blood results.

“The blood results… does my father know?”

“No. We have a duty to respect patient confidentiality. He knows you have experienced a fall and the immediate danger you suffered as a result. We won’t disclose anything else without your consent. Although, maybe that is something you should talk through with your parents yourself. I think you need their support right now.”

“No! No please, you can’t tell them anything. Please…”

“Miss Ho-
Amy,
I’ve told you I have to respect your wishes. But I really do think you need to talk with somebody. How would you feel about having a chat with a colleague of mine – Joanna Spencer?”

“What, like a shrink? No way.”

“No, not a shrink. She’s our young person’s drug and alcohol counsellor. She deals with a range of issues from addiction to depression. She’s simply there to listen. I really believe it would be of benefit to you.”

I couldn’t think of anything worse than spilling my guts to a complete stranger – to anyone for that matter – but I felt like I owed the doctor somehow. He had saved me twice now for no other reason than compassion that I could think of. Besides, meeting the shrink didn’t mean I actually had to tell her anything.

“Okay.” I shrugged in defeat.

“Good girl.” There he went again… patronising bastard. Good girl? Seriously? “I’m just going to call your father and let him know you’ve come round.” He rose from the bed so fluidly I didn’t feel the mattress move and then started to walk away.