I tried to pray. I tried to tell myself that my discomfort was nonsense, that of course I could trust Frank to know what was best, even for a situation like this. I’d promised to trust him, I reminded myself, and I hadn’t included any conditions with the promise.
Lord, that was hasty
, my fearful mind argued.
After all, he’s just a man.
I’d never been so on edge in my life. When Saturday dawned I was completely miserable on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I was glad not to see Frank in the morning, and I felt even more miserable for feeling that way. He’d only been trying to be kind. But at what cost? As a minister’s wife, as Frank’s wife, how many times would I have to look forward to my husband putting some delinquent, or several of them, ahead of my wants and needs?
He might give away anything. Or invite absolutely anyone right into our home. Could I really live like that? I tried to picture what it would be like to have Rorey and Eugene staying with us, or Eugene’s brother Clem. Or a drunk off the street, or somebody fresh out of jail. The home that’d seemed to have such cheerful potential didn’t seem so cheerful considering that.
The hours rushed forward and there was no sign of Rorey. The decorations were in place at the church. Everybody’s dresses were in order, and it was almost time to go. But I hadn’t been able to eat anything, and it was a hot day. I felt so light-headed I was afraid I might faint. Was everybody’s wedding day like this?
I was so nervous and uncertain that when it came time to leave I just sat in the car and cried.
“What in the world’s wrong, pumpkin?” Daddy asked me. He really had no idea. “Just nervous, I guess?” he asked on. “I couldn’t say what it’s like to be the bride, but I was nervous on my wedding day too. Everyone is.”
That didn’t help me a bit. Surely not everyone has to think about the possibility of a brawl breaking out, or her new husband sacrificing her peace of mind to placate a bunch of ruffians. I was scared. I was still mad. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married anymore. Not today, with everybody watching my tears. Maybe we could wait till October when Robert was here. I’d feel so much better about that.
Dad went right on and drove us to the church even though I was feeling far from ready. He actually seemed a little amused, which made me all the more upset. At least Mom was taking things more seriously. She was tearful too, though I soon found out that it was for an entirely different reason.
“Honey, you’re all grown up.”
“Mom, I’ve been grown quite awhile now.”
“I know. It just sinks in today, I guess. Seems like just yesterday you were only six, out picking flowers in the field.”
“Mom . . .” She didn’t understand either. And Dad was all the more amused. I could not have been more exasperated with them, even though I didn’t remember being exasperated at my parents before. Everything was haywire today. Frank’s stupid invitation had turned my whole day topsy. Things weren’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be sweetly touched by my parent’s reminiscing and have no worries over anything other than getting down the aisle without tripping.
What would life be like with Frank? And without the stable buffer of my parent’s common sense? Was I really ready to make a life so far away? I didn’t want to. I’d never really wanted to.
Oh, I was a mess. Shaking, teary. Mom and Dad snuck me in the back of the church, and I was more worried that no one see my face than the dress before the time.
“Try not to get yourself too wet,” Katie told me with a sweet smile.
She wasn’t even taking me seriously. Everybody thought I was just nervous.
Oh, Lord, I
am
nervous! What in the world is the matter with me?
Just a few weeks ago, things had looked so right. Frank’s store was going well. He was smart and kind and so talented. Generous, loving . . .
And incredibly impulsive. To change his mind about Camp Point and decide to stay after he’d already told me he was leaving there. To take on preaching at a church, just because of meeting an old man in his driveway. To invite the Turreys to our wedding just because . . . because he didn’t think to ask me about it. How much more of that would there be? What was I getting myself into?
I knew people were filling the church. I could hear the murmur of voices as Mom and Lizbeth fussed with my hair and Kate and Emmie adjusted the ribbons on each other’s dresses. Rorey’s dress hung on the door untouched. There’d been no sign of her and I tried hard to tell myself I didn’t care. Whether she was here or not, whether her in-laws were here or not, I didn’t know, and I didn’t care.
Pastor’s wife was playing the piano softly. Soon the tempo and the song would change. Mom leaned and kissed my cheek.
“You look absolutely beautiful.”
Tears filled my eyes again, and I tried hard this time not to let them fall. I had to get through this somehow. Frank was surely already waiting.
It was almost time for Mom to go to the sanctuary, and I knew Dad was right outside the door. But a sudden commotion outside made me jump, and Rorey came busting through the doorway, her face all flushed.
“Oh, Sarah—” She came rushing at me, grabbing me in a hug. “I was so scared we were gonna be late.”
I couldn’t say anything.
It’s okay
, I was thinking.
That she’s here, it’s okay. It’s good. She’s Frank’s sister. It’s what we wanted.
I didn’t ask about Eugene or his brothers or anybody else. I just hugged her in return and cried, hoping she’d think it was because I was glad to see her. Lizbeth took charge right away.
“Rorey, if you’re gonna be a bridesmaid, you’ve got to get into that dress quick.”
She stripped on the spot. There was nobody there but us girls, and Lizbeth and Emmie helped her get herself in order while Katie fixed a piece of lace on my dress to lay flat. But the room had suddenly taken on a dark cloudy look, and I was so hot I almost couldn’t stand it. My stomach felt like lead and my heart felt like it could leap clear out of my dress. Everything I could see had taken on a coating of sickening grayish swirls. I grabbed Katie’s arm, and Mom got me a chair.
“Honey, are you all right?”
“N-no. I-I feel faint.”
Katie started fanning me right away with a paper fan in each hand. Emmie ran to get me some water, even though I didn’t think I’d be able to hold it down.
“Mama Turrey says the best remedy for the nerves is to pinch yourself good an’ hard and imagine how happy you’ll be when the whole thing’s done,” Rorey volunteered.
Mama Turrey says? Oh, I should just go ahead and pass out! Let everybody wait. Maybe they’d give up and go home.
Mom hugged me. We heard three knocks on the door. Mom’s signal that it was time to start. But she didn’t move.
Help me, Lord! I wanted this day to come so badly, and now it’s here and everybody’s waiting and I don’t even want to move from this spot. Help me.
I leaned my head onto Mom’s shoulder.
“Are you going to be all right?” she asked me. “It’s okay. I felt faint on my wedding day too.”
“You did?”
“Oh yes. I almost collapsed right at the altar, but I guess I shouldn’t tell you that.”
It was very hard to picture my peaceful mother in any state close to the way I felt. “You were just nervous?”
“Scared stiff, more like. Even though I loved your father and he had a good job, I was so unsure what the future would bring. How was I to know what sort of path he might take us down? I was tying myself to another person for better or for worse, and that could mean almost anything.”
I took a deep breath. I understood. Very well. “How did you get through it?”
To my surprise, she laughed a little. “I went ahead and married him, of course. Because love and trust are stronger than fear. And you know how it’s come out. We’ve been happy.”
Love. And trust.
I know. I know, Lord. I trust you!
Mom kissed me and stood up. “Are you going to be all right now? You look a little better.”
I nodded, hoping I wasn’t wrong. And she went on out to her place at the front as the mother of the bride. I squeezed Katie’s hand when I heard the music change.
Oh Lord, can I really do this?
Emmie, Rorey, and Lizbeth each went out. I knew exactly where they were and how far they’d progressed by the music. Daddy came and took my arm, and then Katie gave me a huge hug and rose to take her place too. She was crying, without a sound. Her dark curls framed her pretty face and her eyes glistened.
“I love you, sis,” she whispered. “And you can do this.”
“All right?” Daddy asked, helping me to my feet.
“I-I’m trying to be.”
“You’re beautiful.”
For some reason, that just got me teary again.
“I love you, pumpkin,” Dad whispered. “I want you to know that you made the very best choice for a husband, and I am very, very proud.”
There was no way I could have stopped the tears then, but it was the best thing he could have told me. It gave me strength to walk out of that side room and toward the sanctuary door.
“Maybe I
wasn’t
already grown up,” I whispered to Dad.
“You are today.”
The music changed again, and we walked in together. I thought I’d be looking around to see who all was there. I thought I might still feel angry, frustrated, and scared. But when I saw Frank’s face, when I saw his eyes, I didn’t notice another thing. The sanctuary could have been empty, or filled to brimming with Turreys. I didn’t know. I didn’t care. All I could see were his beautiful smiling eyes, seeming brighter than the sun shining through the windows.
Love. Trust.
Oh, God, how could I doubt? He loves me. I see it shining from his very heart. He will never, ever do me wrong.
I could feel a song welling inside me so strong I almost felt like singing it.
Perfect submission, all is at rest. I in my Savior am happy and blessed . . .
Yes, Lord, I submit myself to you. I trust you, just like I promised. I trust you to hold Frank and me both, and all of our days, in the palm of your hand.
I didn’t feel faint anymore. The ceremony flew by like a happy dream, and then we were kissing. I held him so tight and didn’t want to let go. And he held me with his heart pounding and his hands shaking and a smile so big it could have lit the room. Man and wife. What beautiful words. I think I laughed, and we went down the altar steps together and out. We were finally one.
I didn’t realize until the reception that the Turreys had indeed come to our wedding. Not all of them, but a sizable representation. With Mama Turrey in the middle of them. She came to hug me before we cut the cake and told me she’d warned her boys that if there was any trouble, she’d take their father’s belt strap to their backsides even if they were bigger than she was. Lizbeth must have given her brothers a similar warning. Hammond and Turrey young men stayed far afield of each other in that fellowship hall.
But the same did not hold true of Hammond and Turrey couples. Rorey and Eugene danced every song. And to everybody’s surprise, Harry and Rose were together at this reception even more than they had been at Rorey’s. They scarcely took their eyes off each other. And somehow, seeing that put peace in the rest of the Turreys. If Frank could want them here, and Harry could fall for one of their own, then maybe the Hammond men weren’t so bad after all.
When I saw Mom and the pastor’s wife sitting and talking to Mrs. Turrey, I felt silly for doubting Frank. He’d been right that they should be here. Even Willy looked like he’d put everything behind him to give his attention to Lucinda Tower again. Even so, Eugene was careful to stay out of his way. Clem too. And the Turreys all left early. Their Mama made sure, herding them out before we were even close to finished, even though there’d be no drinking here to complicate the evening.
We were expecting to have Lizbeth’s house to ourselves that night while her family stayed with my folks at the farm. Then we would join everybody for church in the morning, pack our gifts and belongings, and head up to our new house.
But we had a surprise waiting among the gifts. A big brown envelope from Central Bible Church in Camp Point. Train tickets, round trip. And some spending cash besides.
Frank was speechless, and I was almost as bad. “W-we’re going to Chicago?” I looked at Dad.
“Mr. Willings thought you ought to have a honeymoon,” he explained. “And Frank hadn’t taken any money for preaching, so the church wanted to share a blessing. It wasn’t hard to figure out where to send you when you told me Frank might like to go to Lake Michigan one of these days.”
Frank and I hugged. We kissed again. We’d been thinking to wait till next spring and try to manage a trip then. But this would be grand!
So we changed our plans. We’d be leaving tomorrow on the train for Chicago with only the things we’d need for that trip. And then, after four days seeing the Great Lake and the city, we’d come back for the truck and our belongings, and then go home. The Bellors had been moving their things the day Frank left, he said. And I suddenly couldn’t wait to get into our house.
I was so excited at the reception that I forgot to give Frank his gift, but I decided it was better to wait until we were alone anyway. Frank had never been on a train before so that was a grand experience in itself. And I’d never been in a hotel room. It was like being royalty, with people just waiting to make you comfortable. Frank asked who to call to get a boat ride, and the man at the desk said he would take care of getting us a reservation.
“I feel guilty usin’ the church’s money for this,” Frank told me when we got to our room.
“It was their decision. And from what Dad said, they collected it just for this.”
“I wonder how they managed without me noticing.”
I smiled. “It isn’t very hard to keep a surprise from you.” I put in his hand the package I’d been holding almost the whole train trip.
“What’s this?”
“Another surprise, silly.”
He looked so puzzled, maybe realizing for the first time that I’d had more than just a purse in my hands. He looked it over, but there was no clue on the wrapping.