Ryan Smithson (22 page)

W
hile I’m in college, I get a job at a before- and after-school program for kids. It’s a perfect college job because the hours are in the morning and afternoon. I can go to class in between, get enough hours to afford my bills, and still have the nights and weekends. Not to mention we get paid for snow days.

Today we take a trip to the New York State Museum in Albany.

The ten children for whom I’m responsible are walking (single file, using inside voices) through the carpeted, snaking hallways.

We’ve passed the fake Iroquois Indians picking fake vegetables and warding off fake woolly mammoths. We’ve also
walked through the woodland creatures exhibit. There, fake bobcats perch on a fake rock. And the rack from the fake moose epitomizes the grandeur of the Adirondack region. In another exhibit we’ve already passed fake ducks are split in half by a sheet of glass, apparently the surface of some imaginary lake.

We’re in another exhibit now, a new exhibit, one that is anything but fake. But it’s the only one I wish was. I wish I didn’t understand this exhibit the way I do. I wish there wasn’t a reason for this exhibit.

I wonder how in the world five years have passed already. How in the world did this crumpled piece of scrap metal go from iron ore in the ground to an I beam in a skyscraper to a display under glass in the New York State Museum?

This is my second time viewing this exhibit. I cried the first time I saw it, but today I have to retain my composure. I’m in charge of ten kids.

Leading kids is often like leading a platoon. I have to be sharp, decisive, and one step ahead. I have to be confident, admirable, and humble. I have to be respectful, compassionate, and disciplined. I have to be funny. I have to be strong. Or they’ll walk all over me. So I don’t cry.

I hold it in and supervise the kids as they roam around the room full of rusty bolts and torn airplane tires and a torched fire truck and quotes from George W. Bush and the American flag. It’s
the
American flag, the flag that is
tattered, stained, and outlined with frayed edges. But it’s the flag, our flag, and it still flies, even if it’s no longer watching over Manhattan.

The flag, like everything else in this room, seems to be smoking. The kids don’t see the smoke. They are the innocent. But I see the smoke as if I’m running from it.

I’m reading a plaque that lies next to a smoking firefighter’s helmet. It explains how the brave men and women of Engine such-and-such took such-and-such casualties. There’s a word I hate: casualty. Why is it casual?

I stop reading because the smoke fills my eyes.

A little girl is standing next to me. Emma is in kindergarten this year. She’s “one of the good ones.” Her parents are funny and smart and friendly. They take the time to show Emma and her brother, Peter, the important things in life. Emma loves to tap-dance and go to Tae Kwon Do practice. She loves to color and to play kickball. She loves to laugh and dance and play dress-up. She is the innocent.

She looks up at me with giant brown eyes. She seems confused. There are other families here, walking among our field trip group, and they seem to choke on the smoke like I do. But Emma’s not choking.

She looks at the yellow fireman’s hat next to me and then at the flag. Then she looks back to me.

“What happened, Ryan?” she asks.

The way she says my name breaks my heart. It tears my
heart right in half, because I quickly do the math. Emma is barely five. She was born after the Towers fell.

Until now I considered these kids part of my generation. But they are not. My generation has already lost its innocence. I remember exactly when it happened, actually. The very day. The exact time is written right here, in fact, on plaques in the New York State Museum.

I wonder how I can retain Emma’s innocence, how I can protect her generation. I cannot.

“Some very bad men attacked our country, Emma. Down in New York City,” I say. “They don’t like our country so they killed innocent people.”

“But why?” she says. She looks around. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“No, it doesn’t,” I say.

Then we stand for a minute, Emma contemplating how humans kill one another to prove points. Me still trying to figure that out myself.

“You know how the other kids talk about me being in Iraq, Emma?” I ask.

“Yeah,” she says.

“This is why I went.”

But really, if you ask me why I did it, why I volunteered, why I ran toward the danger when so many of my generation ran away, I’ll rummage through an old army foot locker. I’ll dig around between the handwritten letters and the Desert
Eagle flip knife. I’ll move the Army Commendation Medal aside. I’ll even dig past the folded American flag Heather would have gotten if I died.

Then I’ll find Bazoona Cat.

I’ll hold it for a moment, petting its soft fur, remembering the little boy who taught me Arabic. And then I’ll place it in your hand.

You’ll look at it with a curious sort of disgust. It is rather ugly. That’s the first thing you’ll notice. All its sentiment means nothing to you, and you’ll hand it back like spoiled fruit.

I’ll just smile because I know how much you can’t understand, no matter how many words I use to describe it. But inside my heart will ache. I’ll give up trying to explain the creature and just pet its soft fur.

You’ll wonder how I can chalk up my involvement in the war to this hairy, gross little object. You’ll wonder how I can justify everything that happened to me in Iraq with this stupid little rabbit’s foot that resembles a cat. You’ll wonder if I heard you right the first time.

“Why’d you do it?” you’ll ask.

I’ll hold up Bazoona Cat and say, “This is why.”

I
t’s not until I come home from combat that I realize what the drill sergeants were trying to tell us when they said, “There’s no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.”

It’s something so easy to write as words on paper, but it means nothing until you’ve seen it.

Without faith God is nothing, Allah is nothing, Buddha is nothing.

Without faith we are nothing.

Flying down a desert road from Kuwait to Iraq, I watch humanity’s evil in the form of children begging for food. Sitting in a dump truck in downtown Samarra, I see evil littering the sky with pieces of children. Walking to chow
in Abu Ghraib, it’s airburst mortars; flying down a torn-up dirt road, it’s fake explosives. As I salvage parts from a Humvee or stand for taps at Joe Nurre’s funeral or stand in front of a fence at Ground Zero, I cannot escape it.

I am human. I am evil. But I am also beautiful. I can do great things, but I can do evil things. I can save myself. And I can save the world.

“There’s no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.”

I never once stand in a foxhole in Iraq. But I see people die, I know of people’s deaths, and I understand that it’s something caused by the hand of another human being. I don’t know if I’ll be alive tomorrow.

All I know is that humanity’s evil exists. I know of humanity’s beauty. And the only thing of which I can be sure is that there is something more.

The bullets fly, the mortars fall, people die, evil triumphs, and it is all somehow beautiful. Not on the surface. It’s ugly at face value. It’s terrifying and horribly ugly.

But underneath and between the lines, that’s where it’s glorious. It’s magnificent and perfect there, this place that has no words, this place that is beyond. This place where things are more than they seem but cost less than they’re worth.

This place is beautiful. This place is war.

War has been glorified in our culture, and for so long I assumed it was a sick obsession with death and evil. After
seeing war, after experiencing it, I know how much deeper it goes.

War is hell, but war is also paradise. War encompasses all that we are, all that we were, and all that we will be. I look at war, my war, and I see past the blood and guts and bullets and bombs.

I see the soft things that hide inside the casings of bullets. I see the hint of light at the top of a mushroom cloud. I see the devils inside the dust. I see the hunters being hunted. And the moon dancing on waves, the sun dancing on dust.

I see the ghosts of war.

I see the message. And that message astounds me, because, even though I celebrate Christmas, and even though I study Zen philosophy, and even though I see countless Muslims place their mats and pray toward Mecca, in war, in a foxhole, my epiphany is when I realize that there is something out there bigger than myself.

It’s not about believing. It’s not about ideas or who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s just sudden. It just exists.

There is something more
.

And now I see that I am grateful for war, for the ghosts. I’m grateful for the worst in humanity, because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to understanding the best in humanity. I’m grateful for my moments of insanity, because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to becoming sane.

It’s a lot like love. You can tell a thousand love stories, but only those who’ve been in love will truly understand what it is you’re talking about. Even when you are in love, it’s impossible to understand. But that’s the way love has to be. That’s the way war has to be.

And when the war is over, I’m sitting at home one day, and I miss it.

I miss the power, and I miss the vulnerability. I miss the innocence, and I miss the guilt. I miss the death, and I miss the life.

I long for it, but I know it can’t come back. So I hold on to it.

We call this faith.

And without faith we are nothing.

201 file:
The repository of all personnel records for an individual service member.

50 cal. (Browning .50 caliber):
A heavy machine gun also known as the M2 and “Ma Deuce.”

550 cord:
Lightweight nylon kernmantle rope.

AAR
(After Action Review):
An assessment conducted after a mission or training exercise to discover what happened, why it happened, and how to improve for next time.

Abu Ghraib prison:
Originally known as the prison where Saddam Hussein’s government tortured and executed dissidents or those who spoke out against his government. In 2004, Abu Ghraib became associated with a prisoner abuse scandal when it was discovered that U.S. soldiers had tortured and humiliated Iraqi detainees.

ACE
(Ammo, Casualties, Equipment) report:
A check on
the amount of ammo, the condition of any casualties, and the status of equipment.

Active Duty:
Full-time service in the armed forces.

ACU
(Army Combat Uniform):
The most recent uniform of the U.S. Army.

A
-driver (Assistant driver):
A soldier sitting in the passenger seat of a vehicle in a convoy, responsible for manning the radio and assisting the driver in general awareness.

AIT
(Advanced Individual Training):
Training soldiers receive in their chosen MOS.

AK
-47:
A 7.62 mm assault rifle. Due to its durability and ease of use, it is the most widely used assault rifle in the world.

ASVAB
(Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery):
A multiple-choice test used to determine one’s qualification for enlistment in the armed forces.

AT
(Annual Training):
Two-week training reservists must conduct every year of their enlistment.

AT
4:
A portable one-shot antitank weapon used more commonly today to destroy or disable armored vehicles and fortifications; its name is a pun on the weapon’s caliber of 84 mm.

AWOL
(Absent Without Leave):
To be absent from post without a valid pass or leave.

Battalion:
A military unit of about 500–1,500 soldiers, usually consisting of between two and seven companies and typically commanded by a lieutenant colonel.

BCT
(Basic Combat Training):
Nine-week training that every soldier must complete upon enlistment; does not include the week of in-processing called reception.

Berm:
Pile of dirt usually used as a perimeter defense.

Blackwater:
Blackwater Worldwide (formerly Blackwater USA); a private military contractor used mostly for security services in Iraq.

Blue Phase:
The last three weeks of BCT, signified by a blue guidon.

Bobcat:
A brand of skid steer loader used for small construction jobs.

BRASS
(Breathe, Relax, Aim, Sight picture, Squeeze):
Acronym for the proper shooting technique.

BRM
(Basic Rifle Marksmanship):
Rifle practice and qualification that every soldier must complete in basic training and must remain proficient in throughout his or her career.

Buck Sergeant:
Jargon for pay grade E-5, or the first rank of sergeant.

C
130:
A tactical four-engine turboprop military transport aircraft.

Cadence:
A chant sung by military personnel while parading or marching to stay in step.

Chain of Command:
A bureaucratic system in which each employee answers to only one supervisor.

Chinook:
A twin-engine, tandem rotor, heavy-lift helicopter.

CID
(Criminal Investigation Division):
The federal law enforcement agency that investigates serious crimes and violations of civilian and military law.

Company:
A military unit of about 75–200 soldiers, usually consisting of between three and five platoons and typically commanded by a captain.

CQ
(Command Quarters):
A building or other structure from which company-level decisions are made; also known as a
TOC (Tactical Operations Center).

Cross-level:
A process by which the army transfers soldiers between units, dictated by deployment circumstances.

CS
gas (2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile):
Tear gas.

DCU
(Desert Camouflage Uniform):
The brown-and-tan uniform used by the U.S. Army in desert operations. Use of this uniform discontinued in October 2007.

DFAC
(Dining Facility):
A chow hall where soldiers eat.

D
o
D
(Department of Defense):
The U.S. government agency that overseas all functions related to national security and the military.

Double Time:
Jargon for “run.”

ECP
(Entry Control Point):
Controlled entrance to an army post, camp, or FOB.

EOD
(Explosive Ordinance Disposal):
A team of soldiers who render safe the hazardous or explosive devices encountered by the military.

ETD
(Estimated Time of Departure):
Leaving times for a flight or convoy.

E
-Tool (Entrenching tool):
Collapsible shovel.

FOB
(Forward Operations Base):
Any secured forward position that is used to support tactical operations.

Formation:
Gathering of soldiers by rank and file, used for accountability and marching.

Front leaning rest position:
Push-up position.

FTX
(Field Training Exercise):
An exercise during which soldiers train as if they are at war.

Full battle rattle:
Jargon for “fully geared”; consists of Kevlar (helmet), body armor, rifle, and ammunition.

Geneva Convention:
Four treaties formulated in Geneva, Switzerland, from 1864–1949 that set the standard for the rules of war, including the rules of engagement and the treatment of noncombatants and prisoners of war.

Guidon:
A flag that companies or platoons carry to signify their unit designation or corps affiliation.

Haji:
A Muslim who has made the hajj, or pilgrimage to Mecca, one of the five pillars, or obligations, of Islam. Soldiers of the Iraq War use “haji” in both a derogatory manner and in a general way to describe something Middle Eastern or Muslim.

Halliburton:
One of the world’s largest providers of products and services to the energy industry.

HEMTT
(Heavy Expanded Mobile Tactical Truck):
A range of 8x8 diesel-powered, off-road capable trucks. A 10x10 variant of the HEMTT is used as prime mover in the Palletized Load System (PLS).

Herringbone:
Staggered formation in which every vehicle of a convoy is a certain distance apart on alternate sides of the road.

Hesco barriers:
Large bastions for perimeter defense and usually filled by scoop loaders.

HMMWV
(Highly Mobile Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle):
Diesel-powered trucks used for carrying personnel and light cargo, “Humvees” have been the military’s vehicle of choice since 1979.

Hy-ex (Hydraulic Excavator):
A track-mounted, hydraulic-controlled vehicle used for excavating earth, rock, sand, and for moving construction materials.

IED
(Improvised Explosive Device):
A homemade
explosive device used in unconventional warfare and the leading cause of U.S./Coalition casualties in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom.

Insurgent:
Participant of a violent uprising against a government.

Kalashnikov:
See AK-47.

KBR
(Kellogg, Brown and Root):
An American engineering and construction company that provides logistical support to U.S. and Coalition forces in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom.

Kevlar:
A light, strong synthetic fiber used by the military mostly in body armor and ballistic helmets, the latter now referred to as Kevlar.

Logistics:
The management of the flow of goods, information, or other services from the point of origin to the point of consumption.

LOGPAC
(Logistics Package):
A convoy used for logistics purposes.

Lower enlisted:
Soldiers below pay grade E-5. From lowest to highest rank: private (E-1), private (E-2), private first class (E-3), specialist (E-4), and corporal (E-4).

M
16:
A semiautomatic rifle that fires 5.56 mm rounds, the standard weapon issued to the U.S. soldier.

M
203:
A single-shot 40 mm grenade launcher that attaches to the M16.

M
60:
An American general-purpose machine gun that fires 7.62 mm rounds.

M
916:
A tractor truck used by the military to haul various cargo.

M
978:
See HEMMT.

MEDEVAC
(Medical Evacuation):
The timely and efficient removal of soldiers from the battlefield via aircraft or ambulance so that they may receive urgent medical attention.

MEPS
(Military Entrance Processing Station):
Location where entrants and applicants are processed for military service.

Mobilization training:
The first stage of a modern deployment wherein soldiers train before being shipped overseas.

Mortar:
A muzzle-loaded weapon that launches a low-velocity explosive shell and is used for indirect, short-range fire.

MOS
(Military Occupational Specialty):
Job classification of military personnel.

MP
(Military Police):
The police of a military organization. In Iraq, the MP’s main missions include area security, usually by vehicle patrol, and the capture and supervision of prisoners of war and other detainees.

MRE
(Meal, Ready to Eat):
A self-contained, individual field ration.

MSR
(Main Service Route):
A route designated within an area of operations upon which the bulk of traffic flows in support of military operations.

National Guard:
A reserve military force funded by the state in which the units reside.

NCO
(Noncommissioned Officer):
An enlisted rank defined by its leadership responsibility; includes all the grades of sergeant.

OD
(Olive Drab):
A very ugly shade of green.

OPFOR
(Opposing Force):
A military unit designated as the enemy in a war training scenario.

OPSEC
(Operational Security):
A methodology of keeping secret information from the enemy.

Parade rest:
A more relaxed position of attention used in formation and when talking to noncommissioned officers. Head and eyes forward, back straight, shoulders back, hands clasped behind the back, feet shoulder-width apart.

PAX
terminal:
A structure in which passengers wait for aircraft.

Phonetic alphabet:
A system in which a code word is assigned to each letter of the English alphabet, used for clarification purposes over a radio.

Platoon:
A military unit of about 30–50 soldiers, usually consisting of between two to four squads and typically commanded by a lieutenant.

PLS
(Palletized Load System):
A logistics supply program used in conjunction with the HEMTT.

PMCS
(Preventative Maintenance Checks and Services):
The checks, service, and maintenance performed before, during, and after any movement.

Position of attention:
A strict form used in formation and when talking to commissioned officers. Head and eyes forward, back straight, each thumb curled so that it touches the first joint of each forefinger, each hand straight along the seams of the trousers, heels touch so the feet form a 45-degree angle.

Prone position:
The position of the body lying facedown.

PT
(Physical Training):
Military exercise programs.

PTSD
(Posttraumatic Stress Disorder):
Anxiety disorder that can develop from exposure to one or more traumatic events.

PX
(Post Exchange):
Store operated by the Army and Air Force Exchange Program.

QRF
(Quick Reaction Force):
A military unit, usually cavalry, that is poised to respond on very short notice, typically less than fifteen minutes.

Q
-West (Qayyarah West):
An airbase in Iraq approximately 300 kilometers north of Baghdad.

Reception:
A weeklong system for in-processing recruits before they begin BCT.

Red Phase:
The first three weeks of BCT, signified by a red guidon.

Reserves:
A reserve military force funded by the federal government.

RPG
(Rocket Propelled Grenade):
A shoulder-launched antitank weapon used by the Iraqi insurgency.

Rucksack:
Standard issue backpack used by soldiers to carry supplies.

SAW
(Squad Automatic Weapon):
A one-man machine gun that fires 5.56 mm rounds.