Running From Forever (2 page)

My studio apartment wasn’t anything great and
a little smaller than the pictures suggested, but it didn’t matter.
I was in the heart of the city and Times Square was my backyard. In
my mind, paradise. It had all the essentials—kitchen, bathroom, and
a place to sleep. What else does one person really need? Nothing.
That’s all I cared to have. It may not have been close to the size
of the two bedroom, one and a half bath that Trevor and I used to
share, but it was a small price to pay for living in Manhattan at a
price I was willing and able to pay.

As I stood, getting a view of the entire place
just by standing in the middle, I didn’t know what to do with
myself. I was here. I left. I chased my dream…all the way to The
Big Apple, but as happy as I appeared, the tug on my heart and the
emptiness in my chest told me I wasn’t complete. I was alone. It
wasn’t something I was a stranger to, but something I hadn’t been
in a while. For most of my life I was alone. Not as literally as I
was now, but figuratively speaking, I raised myself. I never had a
mother who cared and my father passed away when I was ten after a
freak accident at work. I had my sister, but she was younger than
me; it was basically me that raised her all the while raising
myself. I had Trevor for a while, but now I’m back to just me.
Flying solo in one of the biggest cities in the world.

I took another deep breath and reminded myself
again why I was here—why I made the decision I did. I needed a
fresh start, a way to start over—get away from the stigma. I was
loose. Very loose—I had no respect for my body. To be frank, I was
a slut. Definitely not something I was proud of, but the truth. It
wasn’t until I met Trevor that I realized what I was doing. I was
filling a void, making myself feel something I never had growing
up. Needed. Wanted. Worth something. It may not have been love, but
it was something. I felt
something
with those guys.

As my relationship with Trevor progressed and
people noticed that I was actually staying with one person instead
of going home from parties with random guys or getting random booty
calls at all hours of the night, the judgments seemed to fade and
respect started to grow, but my past, who I was, was never
forgotten. I actually thought everyone was just waiting for me to
cheat, for me to get bored, for me to go back to my old ways. Some
probably still think that now and believe that’s why I left. But
it’s the opposite. I left to be someone new; to become the person I
always dreamt of becoming. I left to start fresh in a city that
didn’t know me. In a city I could be myself. In a city I could stop
running from my demons. A place where I didn’t have to settle or
pretend to be somebody I wasn’t. Here, away from my old life, I
would become a successful businesswoman and meet important people.
I would become the
real me
.

I might be physically alone, but I was still me
and I wasn’t completely lost. I still had Leah, my best friend from
college. Even though she and her fiancé moved away to New Jersey
the moment their diplomas were in hand, she was my go-to person—my
voice of reason—and I knew she’d continue to be as supportive as
ever. Feeling the need to talk to her, I picked up my cell phone
and dialed her number. A smile spread across my face just hearing
her voice. In some ways, Leah was a sister to me, as well.

“Hey, K. Are you there yet?”

“Yup, I’m here.”

“Why do you sound sad then?”

I sighed. My happy exterior may be enough for
others to think I was okay, but not Leah. She knew me way better
than that. “I don’t know,” I breathed out in an exasperated breath
while beginning to pace the room. “I don’t know if it’s because I’m
here by myself, or the anxiety of starting a new job, or that I
feel bad about how I left Trevor…I don’t know.” Finally plopping
down on my overstuffed chair, I concluded, “I just feel off—weird.
Ya know?

“Yeah, I get it. I felt that way when we moved
into our house. Matt was off doing his football stuff while the
movers were bringing everything in. After they left, it was just
me, standing in the middle of this new, huge house, by myself. It’s
kind of like a ‘what now’ feeling.”

Oh, I forgot to mention, Leah was filthy rich
now. Her fiancé was Matthew Jacobs, first string wide receiver for
the New York Jets. He signed with them the spring of our senior
year, making this season his first football season with them.

“Yeah, I think that’s it; like what do I do now?
I did everything I wanted to do, but now I have no clue what to do
with myself.”

She snickered. “You have your dream, but feel
lost.”

I snickered back. “Yup.”

“The good thing is, it’s temporary. You’ll get
settled. You’ll meet new people. You’ll find your way. The Kayla
Reynolds I know should have no problem branching out.”

My chest clenched and I didn’t respond. I had a
feeling she’s was referencing the old Kayla—the pre-Trevor
Kayla.

“You there?” she asked, sounding confused.

“Yeah,” I responded quietly. “I’m here.”

And then the light bulb went off… “Wait, no!
That’s not what I meant,” she was quick to say. “I meant that
you’re outgoing, fun, contagious. You’re someone people can’t help
but love.” She paused, her tone becoming more sympathetic. “Kayla,
I know you’re not
that
person anymore.”

I changed the topic, needing to talk about
something different. I wasn’t big on dwelling and ready to move
forward. “So when are you coming to visit me?” She didn’t live that
far from where I was now; they were in East Rutherford, not too far
from the Metlife Stadium where Matt played.

“I think in a couple of weeks, actually,” she
said with enthusiasm. “Matt is going to be gone for an away
game.”

“You’re not going?” I asked, shocked, knowing
Leah never missed a game no matter where it was.

“No. It’s not a
real
game. I don’t really
know, to tell you the truth. But I passed it up. It’s a quick
trip—I didn’t need to go.”

“So you’re going to come visit me instead?!” I
sat up in my chair, overly excited. It’d been so long since I’d
seen her.

“I was planning on it. If you don’t have plans,
of course.”

I chuckled. “Um, no. Can’t say that I do.”

“Good! I can’t wait to come. I haven’t been to
the city in forever.”

“It’s so awesome—we’ll have so much fun!” The
thrilled tone in my voice was apparent. I couldn’t wait for her to
visit and for us to explore the city together.

“Alright friend, I’ve gotta get going. Matt’s
going to be home soon and I haven’t even showered yet. I’m glad
you’re all settled and don’t forget to call me after your first day
tomorrow!”

I had to ask the question that was weighing in
my gut and blurted it out before she could hang up. “Do you think I
should call Trevor…explain?”

There was a stunned silence. “Uhhh…I don’t know.
Not yet, I think. He probably just read your note. Give it some
time. This is why you shouldn’t have told him through a letter—I
knew you’d feel bad,” she tsked like a mother scolding a child.

I let out an exhausted breath. “Yeah, I know,
but I froze last night. I just couldn’t say it—not when he was down
on one knee.”

“No, I know. I get it, and I’m sure he does too.
Maybe not yet, but I’m sure eventually.” She paused again. “I think
calling him now will just make things worse, ya know?”

Although she didn’t make me feel any better
about the situation, I understood. I had to float in my guilt a
little longer. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Alright, I really have to go now. Don’t worry
about it. It’s done. It’s over. You did what was best and now it’s
time to get back your life. Do what makes
you
happy.”

With a smile tugging at my lips, I happily
answered, “Yeah. It’s definitely time.” I nodded my head, agreeing
even though she couldn’t see me. “I’ll talk to you later. Thanks,
Lee.”

“Anytime,” she replied before we both said
goodbye to each other and hung up.

Resting my phone on my chest, I leaned back in
my chair and tilted my head up to the ceiling, smiling. I felt bad
about Trevor, but it was Kayla time now. It was time to live the
life I always dreamt of living.

***

My alarm clock sounded
thirty minutes before I technically needed to be up. Though I
wasn’t normally an early riser and I had already timed out my
morning commute last night, it was my first day at my new job in a
city I wasn’t familiar with.

I was nervous. Excited. But nervous.

Everything was waiting for me when I woke:
clothes over my chair, jewelry on the counter, and coffee brewing
in the pot. I had everything ready, I just needed to
get
ready. When finished, I fit the part. I looked like a professional
right out of a business magazine wearing a black pinstriped skirt,
cream silk sleeveless blouse, pearl earrings and necklace, all
finished with black wedged heels. My hair was pulled back into a
clean, sleek bun, my makeup was simple, and I felt every inch a
businesswoman.

As I smoothed my outfit down with my hands, I
sighed a relaxing breath. This was exactly who I wanted to be;
business from top to bottom, nothing like I was in Cortland. The
blonde-haired, blue-eyed, sorority bimbo was nowhere to be
seen.

Picking my purse of the couch, I did one last
once over in front of the mirror before checking my watch—it was
time to get going. Following the route I did the previous night, I
locked my door, took the elevator down to the main floor, and said
a friendly goodbye to the older woman behind the front desk before
flagging down a taxi outside. A wave of excitement rippled
throughout my body—I was a true New Yorker now—almost like the
movies, but instead of walking out of my multimillion dollar,
swanky high rise apartment, I was leaving a borderline sketchy
studio apartment with an ancient desk lady. I smiled to myself,
though…maybe someday.

The older gentleman behind the wheel glanced
over his shoulder, looking back at me after I shut the door. “Where
to?” he asked, smiling a quirky grin that revealed a chipped tooth.
It was going to take some getting used to, riding in a car with a
total stranger. Although he didn’t seem as sketchy as most of the
cabbies I’d had so far…refreshing.

“Times Square, please,” I politely responded,
gulping back the dry feeling in my mouth. I didn’t realize that I
hadn’t been swallowing.
Nerves
?

“Times Square isn’t tiny, Miss. What’s the
address?”

My gut turned uneasy, and anxiety rose. I didn’t
know the address. The driver last night hadn’t asked, and I never
thought to write it down. “Um, I don’t know,” I told him in a shaky
tone. “I work at ETV.”

With just a friendly nod, he turned forward and
shifted down into drive. I guess that answer was sufficient.
Relieved, I took another cleansing breath. I managed to jump my
first hurdle with no injury. New and improved Kayla: one. Epic
failure: zero.

“Hi, I’m Kayla Reynolds. I’m the new
assistant for Connie Walters,” I told the woman at reception.

The building seemed secure. You had to have a
badge to get by the front entrance. Since it was my first day, I
didn’t have one of those. I imagined it would be part of the first
day paperwork.

“Good morning,” she said absently, then looked
over the top of her glasses and smiled at me. She typed something
onto her keyboard, probably bringing my name up in the computer.
“Yes, I see you under Connie’s name. I just need to see some photo
ID, please.”

“Yes, of course.” I smiled back while fishing my
wallet from my purse. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was. My
hands were shaking and my heart beat was so erratic that I feared
I’d have a heart attack. “Here you go,” I continued once I finally
retrieved my license and placed it on the counter in front of
her.