Running Back To Him (14 page)

Chapter 23

I pull up to Atwood Stadium to an empty parking lot except for Kellen’s Camaro; which he isn’t sitting in. I haven’t seen him since Saturday and the only communication I’ve had with him today is through the handwritten cards from the roses and by his text that told me to meet him here.

The stadium isn’t in the greatest of neighborhoods downtown, so whatever the reason he has for meeting here, it better be good…and safe. Just my luck, an empty parking lot at a football stadium will be the place I meet my maker.

Through my cracked car window, I hear a faint whistle. The sound rattles me, but I look to my left and I see Kellen standing at the gate, waiving me down.

“You could have just called me instead of whistling,” I say walking up to him. I want to give him a hug, but I play it cool and give him a head nod and a smirk.

“What would you girls do without your phones?” he smiles and opens the gate, holding his arm out, to lead me through.

I walk inside and immediately walk onto the turf. It’s just a stadium that the high school teams play their football games at, but from where I stand, it’s immense. I see rows of empty bleachers cascading upwards and the green turf marked by white lines that seemingly stretch for miles. It’s so different sitting up in the nosebleeds watching a game and cheering on the team. But standing on the fifty-yard line, the perspective changes. I feel like a giant. Tall. Powerful.

“It’s different isn’t it?” he asks, his voice reverberating through the stadium.

“Sure is. But why are we here?”

He laughs, coming closer to me. He’s wearing red sweatpants and a red hoodie with a gray N on the front. “I come here a lot and clear my head.”

“You do a lot of weird things regarding football.”

“You do a lot of weird things period.” He laughs loudly and I slap his shoulder.

“It’s true but you don’t have to say it.”

“Don’t hide your weirdness.” I dip my head. And I quickly change the subject.

“So where’s the pigskin? Is this some kind of naked football game?”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“I do.” I suck my teeth. “Problem?”

“Not at all.” He extends his hand to me and I place mine onto his palm and we sit down. Just when I wiggle my bottom, finding a good space on the turf, he slowly pulls his hands away. I hate the feeling when his touch leaves.

“You know I have to give it to you—those roses were the trending topic at school. I couldn’t believe it. Fantastic idea. That must have cost a fortune though. You sooo didn’t have to spend all that money on little old me,” I say. I bet my cheeks are still glowing from earlier today. It was the type of gesture I only saw in cheesy Lifetime rom-coms that my Mom and I would watch. We’d be tearing up so much we’d run through an entire box of tissues.

“Are you crazy? You
know
I can’t afford all that,” he says laughing.

“Wait. You didn’t steal them did you? You and Roosevelt didn’t break into a nursery and steal a bunch of flowers did you?” I squint my eyes. “Does the fact that I received stolen flowers make me an accomplice?” Panic sears through me. “I’m not going down over this. I have a long, fruitful life to lead…I want to go to college…I want to go sky-diving…I want to drink Ayahuasca in a Brazilian Rainforest…I’ve never even smoked weed and played the tambourine at a drum circle at Venice Beach for God’s sakes. I—”

“—I didn’t steal anything,” he says, cutting me off and laughing. “Ron at Vogt’s Flowers is a huge high school football fan. Plus he owed me a favor. I helped get his son Terrance on the team. The flowers were on the house.”

My lips curl to the side. “You know I was secretly hoping you were going with flower caper story. I’m kinda disappointed actually. Committing a felony in the name of love is so hot.”

“You’re so funny. What am I going to do with you?”

I make a tiny noise in my throat. What was he going to
do
with me? Hmmm. I could give Kellen a
number
of ideas. And most of them involve his lips.

He lies on his back, spreading his arms and legs out and I look over to him.

“You know you look like a snow angel. Except for the snow,” I say.

“I know it’s only September, but it’s Michigan…it might snow tonight,” he says. We laugh. “You’re not going to join me?” he asks. I look behind me as I continue to sit with my forearms resting on my knees. I lie back and fold my fingers behind my neck, still trying to figure out what it is we’re doing.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” he asks, but his question doesn’t sound like it warrants an answer. But before I can even respond, he follows up. “All those stars up there. It makes you feel so small. I just come here and think about all the stuff that could be out there. There’s so much that is happening out there and we’ll never know about it. I mean, we’re so tiny compared to what’s out there.” His head tilts over to me, his eyes crystal-like reflecting the stars above. “It makes me look at my life and all the stuff we worry about—none of it matters. We think it’s important, all the petty stuff, who’s dating who, who broke up with who…who fumbled on the goal line to lose the game.” A chuckle escapes his mouth. “It means nothing. We’re just a speck of dust compared to what’s out there.” He clears his throat. “I hope I’m not getting too creepy on you.”

“No, you’re not,” I say. “Trust me. I know all about weird. I just didn’t think you would be here of all places, gazing up at the stars.”

“No one knows I’m here. Well except George, the groundskeeper. He lets me in. He’s a great guy.”

“Get real, you know you hopped the fence and snuck in here.” I cackle.

“Remember when you skinned your knee trying to hop over Mr. Peterson’s fence?”

“Don’t remind me. Worst scar ever. And it wasn’t my knee, it was my leg.” I roll up my left pants leg and raise my knee to show him the faded light pink scar that runs up my left shin. “I skinned my knee trying to skateboard for the first time.”

He pounds the turf with his palm. “That’s right! Man, you really got some battle scars.”

“A lot more than the average girl.”

“A lot more. That’s why I liked you. You weren’t afraid to jump off the swings or climb a tree. Most girls would never do something like that. You were just fearless. Much more fearless than I ever was.

“Boy did you totally grow out of being a fraidy-cat,” He chuckles. “Sometimes I look at you and I have to do a double take and ask myself if you are the same scrawny kid who couldn’t go outside when people were cutting grass because his allergies would flare up and he might have an asthma attack.”

“Yeah that was me,” he says pinching my arm.

“But honestly you’re still the same person. Honest. Kind hearted. Funny. You still like to lick your fingers when you’re eating. You’re a simple guy at heart. The simple things make you happy. Back then it was climbing trees and riding bikes, running around the neighborhood like a mad man. And now it’s football...and star gazing. I guess the more things change, they more they stay the same.”

“But you...” He pauses, probably to recollect. “You’ve changed a lot.” His voice fades. A breath lodges in my throat. “You used to be so—”

“Strange,” I say breathily.

“Unique. There was no one else like you. No other person like you on the planet. Like you carved out your own little space and didn’t care what anyone else thought about you.”

I swallow hard. “And…” A part of me wants to know his opinion of me, but another part of me may not be comfortable with the answer.

“Now,” his voice trails, sounding like he’s thinking of the right words to say to not offend me, “you’re like every other girl now.” My stomach dips. “I don’t want to be mean or anything. Sometimes I look at you don’t see the same person.” An icy feeling crawls up my spine.

“It’s a thing called breasts, Kellen.” He clutches his stomach, chortling.

“It’s not that. But yeah, those are there too. But, it’s something else. It’s like you care what people think now.”

I open my mouth to speak, all that comes out is a tiny grumble. I didn’t want to hear him continue, but he does. “Back then people called you tomboy, but you didn’t care. You were cool with your comic books and playing with Lightsabers. And back then it was before Star Wars was this big thing. You were…you.” His voice wilts. “Now, it’s like you’re blending in with the pack.” I bite my lip and shuffle my body. “I hope I’m not being mean.”

“You’re not—” I want to finish my sentence, but I can’t. I just bite the top of my lip.

“It’s like two different people. There’s Magnolia before your…” It feels like every ounce of breath is stolen from my lungs. He catches himself, the words on the tip of his tongue, dangling, but he can’t seem to let them loose words forming in his lungs, right there on the tip of his tongue, but won’t allow to let to fall; he knows how sensitive it is.

He turns to me on his side and I’m looking blankly above. I see stars, but they aren’t stars. Right now, they’re just blurs of blinking pale light. I feel numb. I feel numb because I know what comes next.

The box is brought up. That tiny box involving a certain period of my life…a certain terrible time in my life…that box I placed in a deep corner of my soul. I don’t speak about it, let alone acknowledge it.

“Mags, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine,” I say brushing him off, my words cracking and weak. “It’s a part of life right?” I can’t stop the rawness from coloring my voice. I’m still eluding his gaze, but out of the corner of my eye, I still see a strange look emanating from his face.

“Did…did you want to talk about it? If you don’t, I understand.”

My chin trembles. What he’s asking is something I’ve never spoken about. Not to my Mom, not to Justine. I bottled things up and heaved it into the ocean, hoping the waves would carry it off somewhere far…to some far unknown place so I’d never have to see it again.

“It’s really okay, Mags,” he says, his voice hesitant, but tender.

I nod and swallow the cotton balls in my mouth. If this were someone other than Kellen, I wouldn’t speak of it.

My heart rattles in my tight chest, feeling it might crack in two, bursting at the seams.

“Just say it. You don’t have to dance around it,” I say. There’s a crack in the levee, split down the middle. “Everybody knows it. Mags changed. She changed right after her Dad and Pepper died.” My eyes cloud with a curtain of tears.

“Mags,” Kellen says. I hear the reluctance in his voice. He knows it’s too late to stop the torrent of emotions from erupting. I’ve pocketed them up too long. I don’t know why right now has to be the time that my feelings make themselves known, but now there’s no holding them back.

“No, Kellen, it’s okay. Really.” Anger, embarrassment, fear—they all bubble to the surface and I’m fighting tears with every fiber I have in my body. “Just say Magnolia, you changed after your Dad and Pepper died in the car accident. It’s okay.” I feel shitty for speaking to him in such a condescending tone, but that’s how the words are coming out of me. It’s unconscious. It’s like I’m not speaking to him, but I’m speaking to everyone.

Kellen is silent.

I chuckle. “Really. Death does that to you. One day you’re going along with life and then life hits you with sucker punch to the face.”

“We really don’t have to talk about this,” he says inching closer to me.

“No, really, it’s fine.” I can’t hold back the tear that spills out the side of my eye into my ear. I wipe it away swiftly. “Everybody wants to know. I saw people whisper. The snide comments. I heard them all. It’s a fair question, Kellen, really.” I have to force the words out of my lungs.

“You haven’t talked to anyone about this have you?”

“What for,” I say snapping back. “People are born, people die. It’s part of life, right.”

I can feel his eyes burning two holes into my cheek.

“Mags, it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel pain. You need to let it fly. It’ll eat you from the inside if you just bottle it up.”

I sit up, my hair sticking to the side of my moist face. Drops scream from my eyelids down to the tip of my trembling chin.”

“I’m fine. That’s how I’m processing it, okay?”

“You can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist.”

“It
doesn’t
exist. They’re not here anymore. End of story.”

“Thinking like this is going to rip you apart.”

“It’s gotten me this far.” I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs.

I rock back and forth slightly. As soon as one tear leaves my eyelids, another one replaces it. Kellen says nothing. I say nothing; I don’t do anything except sniffle. His hand falls on my back and it shocks me.

“Mags, it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to hurt. To feel
something
. Pain. Hurt. Anger. But, Mags…something.” He squeezes the top of my shoulder slightly. “I was there at the funeral. Everyone was there crying except you. You were back at school the next day. Like…nothing happened.” He sighs. “Mags…it happened and you have to face it.”

I’m rocking back and forth vigorously and my entire face is unsteady. He’s right. Right here, right now, I have to face it. I’ve never faced it head on. I’ve never looked at the pain in its eyes and dealt with it. I’ve never taken the beast on and slayed it. I’ve always run as far away from the pain as possible. I became numb to it. The more I ignored it, the more it would become numb to me and eventually fade away into the blackness of my memory.