Rudyard Kipling's Tales of Horror and Fantasy (30 page)

‘Try that wid your lorrds an' ladies, twistin' an' turnin' the talk, tho' you mint ut well. Ye cud say nothin' to help me, an'yet ye niver knew what cause I had to be what I am.'

‘Begin at the beginning and go on to the end,' I said royally. ‘But rake up the fire a bit first.'

I passed Ortheris's bayonet for a poker.

‘That shows how little we know what we do,' said Mulvaney, putting it aside. ‘Fire takes all the heart out av the steel, an' the next time, may be, that our little man is fighting for hislife his bradawl'll break, an' so you'll ha' killed him, manin' no more than to kape yourself warm. 'Tis a recruity's thrick that. Pass the clanin'-rod, sorr.'

I snuggled down abashed; and after an interval the voice of Mulvaney began.

‘Did I iver tell you how Dinah Shadd came to be wife av mine?'

I dissembled a burning anxiety that I had felt for some months – ever since Dinah Shadd, the strong, the patient, and the infinitely tender, had of her own good love and free will washed a shirt for me, moving in a barren land where washing was not.

‘I can't remember,' I said casually. ‘Was it before or after you made love to Annie Bragin, and got no satisfaction?'

The story of Annie Bragin is written in another place. It is one of the many less respectable episodes in Mulvaney's chequered career.

‘Before – before – long before, was that business av Annie Bragin an' the corp'ril's ghost. Niver woman was the worse for me whin I had married Dinah. There's a time for all things, an' I know how to kape all things in place – barrin' the dhrink, that kapes me in my place wid no hope av comin' to be aught else.'

‘Begin at the beginning,' I insisted. ‘Mrs Mulvaney told me that you married her when you were quartered in Krab Bokhar barracks.'

‘An' the same is a cess-pit,' said Mulvaney piously. ‘She spoke thrue, did Dinah. 'Twas this way. Talkin' av that, have ye iver fallen in love, sorr?'

I preserved the silence of the damned. Mulvaney continued – ‘Thin I will assume that ye have not.
I
did. In the days av my youth, as I have no more than wanst tould you, I was a man that filled the eye an' delighted the sowl av women. Niver man was hated as I have bin. Niver man was loved as I – no, not within half a day's march av ut! For the first five years av my service, whin I was what I wud give my sowl to be now, I tuk whatever was within my reach an' digested ut – an' that's more than most men can say. Dhrink I tuk, an' ut did me no harm. By the Hollow av Hiven, I cud play wid four women at wanst,an' kape them from findin' out anythin' about the other three, an' smile like a full-blown marigold through ut all. Dick Coulhan, av the battery we'll have down on us tonight, could drive his team no better than I mine, an' I hild the worser cattle! An' so I lived, an' so I was happy till afther that business wid Annie Bragin – she that turned me off as cool as a meat-safe, an' taught me where I stud in the mind av an honest woman. 'Twas no sweet dose to swallow.

‘Afther that I sickened awhile an' tuk thought to my reg'mental work; conceiting mesilf I wud study an' be a sargint, an' a major-gineral twirity minutes afther that. But on top av my ambitiousness there was an empty place in my sowl, an' me own opinion av mesilf cud not fill ut. Sez I to mesilf, “Terence, you're a great man an' the best set-up in the reg'mint. Go on an' get promotion.” Sez mesilf to me, “What for?” Sez I to mesilf, “For the glory av ut!” Sez mesilf to me, “Will that fill these two strong arrums av yours, Terence?”–“Go to the devil,” sez I to mesilf. “Go to the married lines,”sez mesilf to me. “'Tis the same thing,” sez I to mesilf. “Av you're the same man, ut is,” said mesilf to me; an' wid that I considhered on ut a long while. Did you iver feel that way, sorr?'

I snored gently, knowing that if Mulvaney were uninterrupted he would go on. The clamour from the bivouac fires beat up to the stars, as the rival singers of the companies were pitted against each other.

‘So I felt that way an' a bad time ut was. Wanst, bein' a fool, I wint into the married lines more for the sake av spakin' to our ould colour-sergint Shadd than for any thruck wid womenfolk. I was a corp'ril then – rejuced aftherwards, but a corp'ril then. I've got a photograft av mesilf to prove ut. “You'll take a cup av tay wid us?” sez Shadd. “I will that,” I sez, “tho' tay is not my divarsion.”

‘“ 'Twud be better for you if ut were,” sez ould Mother Shadd, an' she had ought to know, for Shadd, in the ind av his service, dhrank bungfull each night.

‘Wid that I tuk off my gloves – there was pipeclay in thim, so that they stud alone – an' pulled up my chair, lookin' roundat the china ornaments an' bits av things in the Shadds' quarters. They were things that belonged to a man, an' no camp-kit, here to-day an' dishipated next. “You're comfortable in this place, sergint,” sez I. “Tis the wife that did ut, boy,” sez he, pointin' the stem av his pipe to ould Mother Shadd, an' she smacked the top av his bald head apon the compliment. “That manes you want money,” sez she.

‘An' thin – an' thin whin the kettle was to be filled, Dinah came in – my Dinah – her sleeves rowled up to the elbow an' her hair in a winkin' glory over her forehead, the big blue eyes beneath twinklin' like stars on a frosty night, an' the tread av her two feet lighter than waste-paper from the colonel's basket in ord'ly-room whin ut's emptied. Bein' but a shlip av a girl she went pink at seein' me, an' I twisted me moustache an' looked at a picture forninst the wall. Niver show a woman that ye care the snap av a finger for her, an' begad she'll come bleatin' to your boot-heels!'

‘I suppose that's why you followed Annie Bragin till everybody in the married quarters laughed at you,' said I, remembering that unhallowed wooing and casting off the disguise of drowsiness.

‘I'm layin' down the gin'ral theory av the attack,' said Mulvaney, driving his boot into the dying fire. ‘If you read the
Soldier's Pocket Book
,which niver any soldier reads, you'll see that there are exceptions. Whin Dinah was out av the door (an''twas as tho' the sunlight had shut too) – “Mother av Hiven, sergint,” sez I, “but is that your daughter?” – “I've believed that way these eighteen years,” sez ould Shadd, his eyes twinklin'; “but Mrs Shadd has her own opinion, like iv'ry woman.” – “'Tis wid yours this time, for a mericle,” sez Mother Shadd. “Thin why in the name av fortune did I niver see her before?” sez I. “Bekaze you've been thrapesin' round wid the married women these three years past. She was a bit av a child till last year, an' she shot up wid the spring,” sez ould Mother Shadd. “I'll thrapese no more,” sez I. “D'you mane that?” sez ould Mother Shadd, lookin' at me side-ways like a hen looks at a hawk whin the chickens are runnin' free. “Try me, an' tell,” sez I. Wid that I pulled on my gloves, dhrank offthe tay, an' went out av the house as stiff as a gin'ral p'rade, for well I knew that Dinah Shadd's eyes were in the small av my back out av the scullery window. Faith! that was the only time I mourned I was not a cav'l'ry man for the pride av the spurs to jingle.

‘I want out to think, an' I did a powerful lot av thinkin', but ut all came round to that shlip av a girl in the dotted blue dhress, wid the blue eyes an' the sparkil in them. Thin I kept off canteen, an' I kept to the married quarthers, or near by, on the chanst av meetin' Dinah. Did I meet her? Oh, my time past, did I not; wid a lump in my throat as big as my valise an'my heart goin' like a farrier's forge on a Saturday morning? 'Twas “Good day to ye. Miss Dinah,” an'“Good day t'you, corp'ril,” for a week or two, and divil a bit further could I get bekaze av the respect I had to that girl that I cud' ha' broken betune finger an' thumb.'

Here I giggled as I recalled the gigantic figure of Dinah Shadd when she handed me my shirt.

‘Ye may laugh,' grunted Mulvaney. ‘But I'm speakin' the trut,' an''tis you that are in fault. Dinah was a girl that wud ha'taken the imperiousness out av the Duchess av Clonmel in those days. Flower hand, foot av shod air, an' the eyes av the livin' mornin' she had that is my wife to-day – ould Dinah, and niver aught else than Dinah Shadd to me.

‘'Twas after three weeks standin' off an' on, an' niver makin'headway excipt through the eyes, that a little drummer-boy grinned in me face whin I had admonished him wid the buckle av my belt for riotin' all over the place. “An' I'm not the only wan that doesn't kape to barricks,” sez he. I tuk him by the scruff av his neck, – my heart was hung on a hair-thrigger those days, you will onderstand – an'“Out wid ut,” sez I, “or I'll lave no bone av you unbreakable.” – “Speak to Dempsey,”sez he howlin'. “Dempsey which?” sez I, “ye unwashed limb av Satan.” – “Av the Bob-tailed Dhragoons,” sez he. “He's seen her home from her aunt's house in the civil lines four times this fortnight.” – “Child!” sez I, dhroppin' him, “your tongue's stronger than your body. Go to your quarters. I'm sorry I dhressed you down.”

‘At that I went four ways to wanst huntin' Dempsey. I was mad to think that wid all my airs among women I shud ha' been chated by a basin-faced fool av a cav'lryman not fit to trust on a trunk. Presintly I found him in our lines – the Bobtails was quartered next us – an' a tallowy, topheavy son av a she-mule he was wid his big brass spurs an' his plastrons on his epigastrons an' all. But he niver flinched a hair.

‘“A word wid you, Dempsey,” sez I. “You've walked wid Dinah Shadd four times this fortnight gone.”

‘ “What's that to you?” sez he. “I'll walk forty times more, an' forty on top av that, ye shovel-futted clod-breakin' infantry lance-corp'ril.”

‘Before I cud gyard he had his gloved fist home on my cheek an' down I went full-sprawl. “Will that content you?” sez he, blowin' on his knuckles for all the world like a Scots Greys orf'cer. “Content!” sez I. “For your own sake, man, take off your spurs, peel your jackut, an' onglove. 'Tis the beginnin' av the overture; stand up!”

‘He stud all he know, but he niver peeled his jacket, an' his shoulders had no fair play. I was fightin' for Dinah Shadd an' that cut on my cheek. What hope had he forninst me? “Stand up,” sez I, time an' again whin he was beginnin' to quarter the ground an' gyard high an' go large. “This isn't ridin'-school,” I sez. “O man, stand up an' let me get in at ye.” But whin I saw he wud be runnin' about, I grup his shtock in my left an' his waist-belt in my right an' swung him clear to my right front, head undher, he hammerin' my nose till the wind was knocked out av him on the bare ground. “Stand up,” sez I, “or I'll kick your head into your chest!” and I wud ha' done ut too, so ragin' mad I was.

‘ “My collar-bone's bruk,” sez he. “Help me back to lines. I'll walk wid her no more.” So I helped him back.'

‘And was his collar-bone broken?' I asked, for I fancied that only Learoyd could neatly accomplish that terrible throw.

‘He pitched on his left shoulder-point. Ut was. Next day the news was in both barricks, an' whin I met Dinah Shadd wid a cheek on me like all the reg'mintal tailor's samples there was no “Good mornin', corp'ril,” or aught else. “An' what have Idone, Miss Shadd,” sez I, very bould, plantin' mesilf forninst her, “that ye should not pass the time of day?”

‘“Ye've half-killed rough-rider Dempsey,” sez she, her dear blue eyes fillin' up.

‘“May be,” sez I. “Was he a friend av yours that saw ye home four times in the fortnight?”

‘“Yes,” sez she, but her mouth was down at the corners. “An' – an' what's that to you?” she sez.

‘“Ask Dempsey,” sez I, purtendin' to go away.

‘“Did you fight for me then, ye silly man?” she sez, tho' she knew ut all along.

‘“Who else?” sez I, an' I tuk wan pace to the front.

‘“I wasn't worth ut,” sez she, fingerin' in her apron.

‘“That's for me to say,” sez I. “Shall I say ut?”

‘“Yes,” sez she in a saint's whisper, an' at that I explained mesilf; and she tould me what ivry man that is a man, an' many that is a woman, hears wanst in his life.

‘“But what made ye cry at startin', Dinah, darlin'?” sez I.

‘“Your – your bloody cheek,” sez she, duckin' her little head down on my sash (Iwas on duty for the day) an' whimperin' like a sorrowful angil. ‘Now a man cud take that two ways. I tuk ut as pleased me best an' my first kiss wid ut. Mother av Innocence! but I kissed her on the tip av the nose an' undher the eye; an' a girl that lets a kiss come tumbleways like that has never been kissed before. Take note av that, sorr. Thin we wint hand in hand to ould Mother Shadd like two little childher, an' she said 'twas no bad thing, an' ould Shadd nodded behind his pipe, an' Dinah ran way to her own room. That day I throd on rollin' clouds. All earth was too small to hould me. Begad, I cud ha' hiked the sun out av the sky for a live coal to my pipe, so magnificent I was. But I tuk recruities at squad-drill instid, an' began wid general battalion advance whin I shud ha' been balance-steppin' them. Eyah! that day! that day!'

A very long pause. ‘Well?'said I.

‘'Twas all wrong,' said Mulvaney, with an enormous sigh. ‘An I know that ev'ry bit av ut was my own foolishness. That night I tuk maybe the half av three pints – not enough to turnthe hair of a man in his natural senses. But I was more than half drunk wid pure joy, an' that canteen beer was so much whisky to me. I can't tell how it came about, but
bekaze
I had no thought for anywan except Dinah,
bekaze
I hadn't slipped her little white arms from my neck five minuts,
bekaze
the breath of her kiss was not gone from my mouth, I must go through the married lines on my way to quarters, an' I must stay talkin' to a red-headed Mullingar heifer av a girl, Judy Sheehy, that was daughter to Mother Sheehy, the wife of Nick Sheehy, the canteen-sergint – the Black Curse av Shielygh be on the whole brood that are above groun' this day!