Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed (11 page)

Hhmmmmm.

When is a Tampon - Not a Tampon?

The Oxford Dictionary meaning of “Tampon” is thus:

Sorry if you were just about to eat – but if you are wondering what this has to do with anything, please stick with me – because it’s very relevant!

The GBP (Great British Public) were blissfully unaware of Millie’s existence until the early part of 1993.  We bought (and literally paid for!) the whole fairy tale Royal wedding; the honeymoon; witnessed the birth of the two healthy boys, William and Harry; but nothing filtered down through the tabloids about Millie.

By the end of the 80’s there were noises that all might not be well in Chucky’s marriage, but this was seen mainly to be the fault of Chucky’s wife.  She had eating disorders; threw tantrums, and made unreasonable demands; displayed evidence of paranoiac behavior and suicide attempts.  There were even rumors at one point that they might have her committed! 

The anti-Diana spin machine was working full force, although in the main, the GBP weren’t buying it.  They weren’t getting along; they were leading separate lives.

In December of 1992, John Major, the then Prime Minister announced to parliament that Chucky and Diana were to separate and in the Christmas of the same year the Queen announced that she had had an ‘Annus Horriblius’.  Not being a nation of Latin speaking Roman Centurions, it was difficult to ascertain what she meant by this.  ‘She had a horrible anus?’ or most likely we deduced ’a bloody awful year!’  Why didn’t she just say so?

Then in the early part of 1993 the Sun Newspaper printed, in full, the recorded evidence of a telephone call made the previous December between Chucky and Millie. It was a conversation that was highly sexual, overtly smutty, between two people who can’t wait to get in to each other pants - and LIVE there apparently!!

Prince Charles Riding a Camilla-Lookalike Horse
Tea Towels which could be purchased at wedding of Charles and Camilla

Windsor – April 2005

THE CONVERSATION

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
*******CAMILLAGATE TRANSCRIPTS*******
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Charles: He was a bit anxious actually
Camilla: Was he?
Charles: He thought he might have gone too far.
Camilla: Ah well.
Charles: Anyway you know that's the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one's way along with - if you know what I mean.
Camilla: Mmmm. You're awfully good feeling your way along.
Charles: Oh Stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out...
Camilla: Oh!
Charles: Particularly in and out!
Camilla: Oh. that's just what I need at the moment.
Charles: Is it?
Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can't bear a Sunday night without you.
Charles: Oh, God.
Camilla: It's like that programme Start the Week. I can't start the week without you.
Charles: I fill up your tank!
Camilla: Yes, you do
Charles: Then you can cope.
Camilla: Then I'm all right
Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
Camilla: Mmmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
Charles: Oh. God. I'll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!
Camilla: (laughing) What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers?
(Both laugh)
Camilla: Oh, You're going to come back as a pair of knickers.
Charles: Or, God forbid a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
Camilla: You are a complete idiot (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.
Charles: My luck to be chucked down the lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.
Camilla: (Laughing) Oh, Darling!
Charles: Until the next one comes through.
Camilla: Oh, perhaps you could come back as a box.
Charles: What sort of box?
Camilla: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
Charles: That's true.
Camilla: Repeating yourself... (Laughing) Oh, darling I just want you now.
Charles: Do You?
Camilla: Mmmmm
Charles: So do I!
Much of the subsequent conversation consists of arrangements to meet surreptitiously, followed by a long exchange of declarations of love and goodnights. The transcript ends thus:
Camilla: Bye, Press the button.
Charles: Going to press the tit.
Camilla: All right darling, I wish you were pressing mine.
Charles: God, I wish I was, harder and harder.
Camilla: Oh, darling.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: Night.
Charles: Love you.
Camilla: (Yawning) Love you. Press the tit.
Charles: Adore you. Night.
Camilla: Night.
Charles: Night.
Camilla: (Blows a kiss)
Charles: Night.
Camilla: G'night my darling, Love you.

Only more remarkable was the fact that this wasn’t a conversation between two pot smoking, slightly backward, thirteen year olds!  These were middle aged adults, married (obviously NOT to each other) parents of four children between them, having had the benefit of the best educational system.  And
HE
is our
FUTURE KING!
  Isn’t that a little worrying?

I would make a bet that more than half the women on this planet (myself included) would cringe in embarrassment if a guy delivered us a line like, “I want to live in your trousers”. We might be somewhat appalled, make a pathetic excuse to get off the phone pronto and promptly change your name and phone number, POSSIBLY handing over the guys name to the authorities as you do so.  ‘MY WHAT?????!!! YOU WANT TO LIVE IN MY...?  EEEEEEW!’

Not Millie! They tell each other “press the tit. I wish you were pressing mine” other wonderful witty dialogue like that as they try to end the call.

Millie had finally been exposed to the GBP and the sight wasn’t pretty. 

In a television interview, Diana explained that there were “THREE of us in this marriage -– so it was bit crowded!”

Overnight, Camilla had become the most hated woman in the country.

She received sack loads of hate mail and during a visit to her local supermarket, was pelted with bread rolls.  I wish I was there.  What happened to the eggs and the flour?

To a woman who had spent most of her life living in a rarefied and over protective environment, this reaction from the GBP was horrific, so she headed for the hills and didn’t move from her country estate until the GBP had eaten their bread rolls and made a cake with their eggs and flour.

Poor Chucky fared no better. Obviously, no-one threw food, no-one could get close enough, but even his biggest fans and all the ‘yes’ men that surrounded him began to question his suitability to take the Throne.  As the GBP were never going to earn themselves knighthoods and titles from toadying up to this royal twit, they had already reached the unmistakable conclusion that any guy who could throw over such a lovely young woman, mother of his two children, for a somewhat plain, frumpy, school marm wasn’t dealing with a full deck anyway.

The GBP deserted Chucky in droves. Their despair and disgust at his behavior sunk his popularity to an all time low.  Extraordinary as it may sound - Chucky didn’t feel he had done anything to cause his demise.

Why was he being treated this way? He hadn’t done anything wrong and really felt the blame lay elsewhere, mainly at the door of his wife who simply didn’t understand that it was his God-given birthright to have as many women as he liked after he was married and a mistress was just part of the whole package.  “Does she [Diana] expect me to be the only Prince of Wales in history not to have a mistress?” he growled in anger and frustration at the position that she had placed him in.

He was so out of touch with the GBP that he believed going public with his affair, would draw a line under the last 12 years of his life, start afresh and move on. He genuinely believed and managed to convince all the toadying courtiers who never disagreed with his views, that the GBP would be completely understanding and supportive.  SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was probably THE greatest miscalculation of his career….. thus far.

In 1994 in a television interview with Johnathan Dimbleby (now a Sir) Chucky confesses to 20 million viewers that he committed adultery but states that the affair only started AFTER his marriage had irretrievably broken down and he and the Princess had begun to live separate lives.  I think I can safely say –
what a crock!
  But let‘s face it – what was the point of telling the whole truth, when half the truth did the job much better? So Johnathan Dimbleby presented half the truth because he didn’t know any different and the GBP was expected to swallow it, be understanding and give their full approval to Millie and Chucky’s relationship.  In the interview Dimbleby then asks how his adultery will affect his ability to be the Head of the Church of England.  Chuckie answers in true Bill Clintonesque style after contemplating exactly what ‘is’ is.  He waffles some nonsensical gobbledegook about God, King and country and the true meaning of ‘is’ and we were supposed to buy it and be more than satisfied.