Authors: Rebecca Eckler
“Thanks, Aunt Hazel!” Apple said a bit quietly.
Just then, Apple’s father walked into the kitchen, wearing his typical Sunday golf ensemble—a checkered pair of pants and a pink shirt.
Apple thought the world of her father, who was a corporate lawyer, and very kind and quiet. Apple knew she took after him way more than she did her mother. Her father understood the need for privacy, which Apple figured was why he spent most of his time at home behind closed doors in his study. He rarely asked Apple about herself. And that was just fine by Apple.
“Well, this is nice,” her father said. “Dinner for just the family. Even though you started without me. What’s the special occasion?”
It was true that Apple’s family rarely sat down for dinner together. Her mother was always working and rarely got home before 10 p.m. She always had to prepare for the next day’s show, after the afternoon’s live show, and so she ate dinner most nights at her office at the studio, with the staff of producers, camera people, and directors who worked on
Queen of Hearts
. Dr. Bee Bee Berg was also a much-sought-after public
speaker, and it seemed that she was invited to at least one glittery charity event every weekend.
“I just thought that because Apple’s winter break is over we should all have one nice meal together,” her mother said. “And, of course,
Queen of Hearts
starts again tomorrow, and I’ll start working late again and won’t be here to prepare dinner.”
“You mean
pick up
dinner,” Apple said.
“Apple, be nice to your mother,” said her father, bending to give Apple a kiss on the head before taking his seat at the table. “Let’s just enjoy this family time while we can. It happens so rarely. If it weren’t for the photos I have at work, and flipping to
Queen of Hearts
once in a while, and seeing my wife’s face plastered in newspapers and magazines, I would probably forget what you look like, Bee Bee. Please pass the egg rolls. And for this one dinner, let’s not talk about work, shall we? Just this one time, let’s not let the questions ‘How is that working for you’ or ‘Is there anything you want to talk about’ into the conversation at all. Tonight I want to have dinner with my wife, not with the Queen of Hearts, and with my perfect daughter, Apple. And, of course, with you, Hazel. You
are
part of our family, whether we like it or not,” he joked.
Apple’s father was a simple, uncomplicated man. All it took for him to be happy was a meal with his family. No muss, no fuss.
“Thanks. You are too good to me,” Aunt Hazel said sarcastically. “Pass me the hot and sour soup, please.”
“And pass me some of those spicy noodles, honey,” Apple’s father asked her mother.
“So what did you do today, Dad?” Apple asked, even though she knew the answer.
“Golf, of course,” he answered.
“Run into Alice Cooper?” she asked.
“Not yet. But one day—I know it will happen,” he said.
It had become a running joke between Apple and her father that some day he would run into the shock rocker, who was, apparently, an avid golfer and who owned a home nearby.
“Here are your noodles,” Apple’s mother said. “But there’s just a little something you should know about this quiet family dinner, Doug.”
“Let me guess. You forgot to order those fried wontons I love?” her dad asked, scanning the cartons on the table. “Wait… there’s an extra place setting on the table. Why, Bee Bee?”
“Well, there will be one more person joining us. But he’s a part of our family, sort of,” she answered, speaking quickly and avoiding her husband’s eye.
As if a director had yelled “action,” at that moment they all heard the front door open then slam shut.
“Hello! Hello! Guy’s here! Guy hasn’t missed dinner, has he? Sorry Guy’s late. Guy had a wardrobe malfunction! Meaning, Guy just
couldn’t
pick out what to wear.”
That was Guy, her mother’s long-time assistant on
Queen of Hearts
. He had his own key to their house, because, like Aunt Hazel, he spent a lot of time there. Guy walked—rather, strutted—into the kitchen as if he was a model on a runway, wearing a bright orange scarf around his neck and what looked like bowling shoes.
Only Guy could get away with an outfit like that, Apple thought with admiration.
“Bee Bee!” her father said angrily. “I thought this was a family night! Sorry, Guy, but I’m a little taken aback to see you here.”
Apple was stunned at his reaction to Guy’s entrance. Her father was usually so gracious. And it wasn’t like this never happened. Her mother spent more time, and more dinners, with Guy than with her husband.
Guy, however, didn’t seem bothered. “Hey, sweet Apple. And Hazel,” he said, kissing each of their hands in greeting before turning to Bee Bee.
“There she is! The Queen of Hearts looking her very best. How excited are we for tomorrow? Guy is very excited!” he said, bending down to peck her on each cheek. “And no offense taken, Doug. I know you love Guy, even if you pretend you don’t. How could you
not
love him?”
That was the other thing about Guy. He
always
talked about himself in the third person.
“Guy, we’re just in the middle of dinner. Any chance you can come back in a couple of hours?” Apple’s father asked in all seriousness. “Or wait for Bee Bee in her office? Maybe you could get started on work, while we finish our dinner. We could make you a plate to take upstairs with you if you’re hungry.”
Apple looked down at her plate. She did not like confrontation—which was why she was never entirely comfortable watching her mother’s show.
“Honey,” Apple’s mother said calmly, then pointed to his place setting at the head of the table. “I invited
him! Not only is he a part of this family, but the show starts tomorrow and we have to get organized. Guy, sit down. There’s plenty of food for everyone, especially my number one man, who makes my work life come together so effortlessly.”
Apple glanced at her father, who looked less than thrilled at the compliments her mother was throwing out to Guy. Apple thought he even looked hurt.
“There’s no rest for the wicked,” Guy said, sitting down at the table. He was holding onto a large folder. “And Guy
loves
to be wicked!”
“Are those our shows for the next few weeks?” Apple’s mother asked, snatching the folder from Guy’s hand. “I can’t wait to start solving people’s problems. Apparently, no one around
here
needs my help.” She looked pointedly at Apple and Hazel.
“Do you want to start going over them now?” Guy asked. “We can eat and work at the same time. This promises to be the best season yet! You should
see
the guests Guy has lined up.”
“You know what?” Aunt Hazel said, getting up from the table. “I’m really not in the mood to listen to romantic problems right now. So, Apple, am I picking you up tomorrow to take you to school?”
Hazel was a salesperson in the lingerie department at a high-end department store and never started work before 10 a.m. And since Apple’s parents left for work early, and she didn’t have an older sister like Happy did to drive her to school, Crazy Aunt Hazel was often her personal chauffeur. In exchange for practically living at their house and eating all their food,
Aunt Hazel helped take care of Apple. It had been like this Apple’s whole life.
“Yes, please,” Apple answered. “Same time as always, okay?”
“Same time,” said Aunt Hazel. She headed to the fridge and grabbed a carton of cookie dough ice cream on her way out, saying, “I’m taking this. Later!” She slammed the door behind her.
“What is up her ass?” Guy asked, looking at Apple’s mother. “Oh, sorry, Apple. Excuse my language. Did she by any chance get dumped
again?”
“Oh, can you tell?” asked Bee Bee. “At least there is one plus about being dumped—you can eat cookie dough ice cream without feeling guilty.”
“Guy hears that, sister,” Guy said, slapping his left thigh, then sighing dramatically. “Guy’s thighs have not been the same since Brad left him. I really should start hitting the gym again.”
Apple liked Guy, though she would never admit to her mother that she thought he was pretty cool and good for a laugh. She felt torn, though, because her dad obviously was upset with Guy being there tonight. She didn’t want her dad to feel like a second fiddle.
“It’s just Hazel being Hazel,” Apple’s mother sighed. “Of course she got dumped again because she never listens to me. It’s like I wrote in my book—”
“You know what?” Apple’s father said suddenly, getting up from the table. “I’ve suddenly lost my appetite too.”
“Honey!” her mother said. “Don’t be like that.”
“Be like what?” he responded. “You clearly have to get to work this instant. You clearly are not interested in having a conversation that doesn’t center on your show. You clearly are not interested in having dinner with
me
.”
“You know how important my show is, honey. It’s my life!” her mother said. “We’ve worked so hard to get to this point. And you know what they say—you’re only as good as your last show.”
“Don’t ‘honey’ me. You know how supportive I am and always have been. But when you actually want to have dinner with me, let me know,” he said, and walked out of the kitchen.
Apple guessed her father was heading up to his study to watch the Golf Channel. She thought her mother should go after him, but she knew that would never happen. The show
always
came first. It seemed as though her mother was married to her show first, and to Apple’s dad second.
Wasn’t it Bee Bee who, just moments ago, told Crazy Aunt Hazel that relationships were based on compromise? Would it have killed her mother to spend a half hour eating with her father before getting to work? Why couldn’t Bee Bee see that she wasn’t paying as much attention to her
own
relationship as she was to those of perfect strangers?
Apple wanted to leave the kitchen too, excusing herself by saying that Guy and her mother should really get to work and that she didn’t want to be in the way. She wanted to stand by her father. He had a point—Apple’s mother really didn’t want to have dinner with her, either, it seemed.
But there was that promise to Happy that she’d find out what the upcoming
Queen of Hearts with Dr. Bee Bee Berg
topics were going to be. And Apple really wanted those jeans.
“So what exactly is in the folder?” she asked Guy.
“Well, my dear, like Guy just told your mother, it’s all the information for the upcoming shows, of course!”
“Let’s hear them,” her mother said, wiping her face delicately with a napkin. “I’m ready! I’m too excited to eat any more now.”
“Okay, this week we have ‘Torn between Two Lovers,’ ‘Commitment-phobic,’ ‘Should We Get Married?’ ‘Spouses Who Act Like Children,’ ‘Men Who Mooch Off Their Wives,’ and my favorite, ‘Sperm Bandits.’”
“What’s a sperm bandit?” Apple asked, apprehensively. She wasn’t sure she really wanted to know.
“It’s a woman who will lie to her husband or boyfriend about being on the pill so she can secretly get pregnant,” Guy answered.
“Oooh, fascinating!” Dr. Bee Bee Berg said gleefully.
“Where do you
find
these people?” Apple asked, genuinely amazed.
“Oh,
Guy
can find them,” Guy said. “Guy can find
anybody
.”
“So, you’re the one who agrees to the people who get on the show?” Apple pressed, remembering her promise to Happy. Apple had stopped paying attention to how the show came together at about the same time she had stopped going with her mother to the studio, eight years ago. In recent years she had just wanted to forget what her mother did altogether.
“Yup. Guy looks at
all
the e-mails, and sometimes we find real gems in what people suggest for show ideas. It’s not that hard, really,” he said.
“That’s it?” Apple asked.
“That’s it,” Guy said.
“Who cares how he finds them?” Apple’s mother interrupted. “These are real issues that real people have, and we’re going to help them.” She was in full-on Dr. Bee Bee Berg mode. “We’re going to give them the very best advice we can give, while offering viewers must-watch television.”
“Right on, sister!” Guy said, actually giving Apple’s mother a high five.
Apple took that as a sign that it was definitely time to leave the kitchen. She could not put up with the high fives. Plus she had the show list for Happy and knew how to get on
Queen of Hearts
. All Happy would need to do is think of a good show topic and e-mail it to her mother’s website. Apple’s end of the bargain was done. She imagined herself in those hot jeans.
“Well, I’m going upstairs to my room now,” Apple said. “I’m tired.”
“Are you sure? You don’t want any dessert? Is there something wrong?” her mother asked automatically, but Apple knew she wasn’t paying attention anymore, at least not to her.
“No, I’m fine. Just full,” Apple said.
“Well, Guy, I guess we should head to my office.” Bee Bee and Guy pushed back their chairs at the same time and headed for the stairs, as if Apple were no longer in the room.
“Our viewers’ questions are piling up too, and we need to start answering them. I swear, in the two weeks you’ve been gone, almost a thousand people have sent e-mails. We have so much to do …” Her mother’s voice trailed off as they walked away.
Apple decided to stay and clear the table. Her mother would probably spend hours working, and if Apple didn’t do it, no one would.
Apple knew that Guy was the one who answered the majority of the viewers who sent e-mails to the
Queen of Hearts
website for advice. When he wasn’t at the studio with her mother, Guy spent hours alone in her home office, typing out replies to lovelorn viewers. Guy and Dr. Bee Bee Berg had worked together for so long, they could finish each other’s sentences. It was almost like they shared the same brain. Not that Apple would ever tell
that
to anyone, not even Happy or Brooklyn. When it came to keeping secrets, Apple also kept her mother’s, at least when it came to things that could harm her mother’s reputation as the Queen of Hearts. Apple was the Sponge.