Room at the Top (5 page)

With his head on Jay’s shoulder, biting Jay’s earlobe was an easy way to distract him from world building, though. “Cuffs. Crops. Clamps. Candy-flavored lube and other things starting with
c
.”

“Why do they have to start with
c
?” Jay asked, but he was looking at the screen again, scrolling through some sites they’d bookmarked. He clicked on one, a site they’d bought their first paddle from. Austin could remember it arriving and how they’d both gotten hard just from looking at it lying there in its box. Jay had run his finger over it, then snatched it back as if the paddle was hot, his breathing quickening.

They’d been desperate to feel it on their asses, but they’d been good and waited to give it to Patrick, who’d grinned at them, handling it with a confident ease that’d left Austin’s mouth dry with anticipation. He’d bent them both over his couch, close enough that Jay’s arm had brushed Austin’s, and paddled them both at the same time with it, dealing out the swats fast enough that even when it was Jay’s ass on the receiving end, not his, Austin didn’t have time to catch his breath. It’d been fun, intense, and they’d shared the experience, every second of it, which made it perfect.

He could remember it vividly as Jay scrolled through the selection of toys. “That could be fun.” Austin pointed at the screen.

It was a flogger made of deerskin, a collection of thin straps. Imagining it striking his bare ass, Austin felt his cock start to swell.

“Oh my God, look at this!” Jay clicked, and they both stared at the photo.

“The Pleasure Machine?” Austin frowned, then tilted his head. “How does that even work?”

“Good question.” Jay scrolled down. “I think that part goes under the bed and then you just…lie there. Oh look, it comes in hot pink.” He laughed. “Good thing, right? Wouldn’t want your thousand-dollar fucking machine to clash with your decor.”

“So far out of our budget it might as well be a Lamborghini.”

“It probably
is
the Lamborghini. Of fucking machines.” Jay shook his head and took them back to the previous page. “Okay, focus. Let’s try looking at stuff we can actually afford.”

“What about those?” Austin pointed at a link.

“Medical play?” Lifting an eyebrow, Jay clicked on the link in question. “Is there something about your job you aren’t telling me?”

“Yeah, my bosses are secretly kinky. And so are all their patients. Once I get to the office, I’m on my hands and knees.” Austin grinned and rolled his eyes.

Jay perked up. “Ooh, like in
Secretary
! That was hot. Hey, those look kind of cool.” He indicated some bright green scissor-style nipple clamps.

“You don’t think they’d be too much?” Austin knew from experience that while Jay loved to have his nipples played with, he was also pretty sensitive and could go from excited to overstimulated very quickly.

“Maybe. Yes.” Jay still sounded tempted.

They were both getting edgy, needing something the other couldn’t provide. Austin could climax, his cock deep in Jay’s mouth, his balls high and tight, coming with a gasp and a moan, gloriously, totally satisfied because hell, who wouldn’t be? Jay gave the best fucking blowjobs Austin had ever had, all his concentration focused on making Austin whimper for him, his tongue like the softest whip imaginable, flicking against every sweet spot on Austin’s cock over and over.

Austin could have that every morning if they woke up early enough, and return the favor, stealing Jay’s voice, the choked-off moans Jay made like their own language. He could lay Jay out on the bed, long and tall and all his, the strands of Jay’s hair dark against the plain white pillow, and rub off on him, a palmful of lube making everything slip and slide just right. Austin loved pouring lube into the crack of Jay’s ass and riding the groove until there was nothing easier than sliding inside Jay, slow inch by slow inch.

He could kneel in front of Jay and open his mouth, moaning as Jay teased him, stroking Austin’s parted lips with his fingers, letting Austin suck on them but not giving Austin his cock to taste until they were both so close to coming that Austin only got to feel it fill his mouth for a few thrusts before Jay’s spunk was surging out, hitting the back of his throat, a salt wave of it, soft and thick.

They could hurt each other, fingers pinching nipples, hands slapping thighs and asses as they jerked each other off. They could fuck each other with dildos, make each other wait to come—but it just wasn’t the fucking
same
. It wasn’t enough.

They could take turns being a dom—kind of—but they couldn’t fool each other or themselves that they were very good at it. They didn’t need a third person in their bed, but they did need someone to kneel for, someone who could make the ache of need die away for a while.

Austin realized his hand was clenched into a fist, and forced it to relax. God, he was so fucking wound up. He pressed closer against Jay, a needy whine spilling from him.

Startled, Jay turned his head, his eyes wide. He didn’t say anything—Jay waited before he spoke, most of the time at least—but after he’d studied Austin in silence for a moment, he sighed. “Me too.”

“You don’t know what I want,” Austin said, just to be awkward, because of course Jay did know.

Jay nodded at the screen, then ran his hand over Austin’s chest and down to the unmistakable shape of his cock, pushing up against his zipper. “Yeah, I do. You want to buy the nastiest, kinkiest things they’ve got and beg someone to use them on you, fucking grovel if that’s what it takes, and kiss their boots after they’re done playing with you because you’re so fucking grateful. You want to watch me get spanked raw and red, ass up over someone’s knee, hearing me cry and beg, seeing me squirm and fight until he makes me stop just by telling me to lie still and take it, all of it. Maybe you’re watching from a corner, roped so tightly you can’t move, white rope and black, all knots and lines. Your skin’s red from being whipped and you look so beautiful I keep staring at you until he sees me and puts his hand in my hair and turns my head away, but I know he’s looking at you too, because how could he help it? And there’s a ball gag making your jaw ache so much you’re crying, tears sliding down your face that you can’t wipe away. You love not being able to speak too much to want him to take it out, though, unless it’s so you can crawl over and lick my ass when he’s done spanking it, lick the sting clean off it, feel how hot it is for yourself. You want—”

It was like getting punched in the gut hearing Jay recite that list in a dreamy, calm voice as if he was describing a movie he was watching or reading from a book. Austin listened until he couldn’t bear to hear another word, staring transfixed into Jay’s dark eyes, then put his fingers on Jay’s mouth, not surprised to see his hand was shaking. “Jay. Fuck.
Stop
.” He pulled his hand back, the swift, unthinking push of Jay’s lips against his fingertips leaving them warm and tingling.

His voice was shaky too. They’d never done anything like that with Patrick. It’d all been, well, not tame exactly, but limited by the restrictions the three of them had set in place. He’d spanked them, tied them up, posed them, and punished them if they’d broken position—and yeah, sometimes they’d done it deliberately, but that was part of the game—but Patrick had never done anything like the things Jay was describing.

Jay’s eyes were deer-in-the-headlights huge, as if he’d shocked himself by what he’d said. He swallowed hard, his throat muscles working. “Okay, I think I just turned myself on. A lot. Fuck.” He gave an anguished little whimper that would’ve been cute if Austin hadn’t been aware of just how desperate Jay was feeling, because it matched his hunger. It went deeper than sexual frustration, which wasn’t exactly a problem for them anyway. “Looking at toys—bad idea, really, really bad. It’s like being on a diet and reading recipe books.”

“Not that you have any experience with that.” Austin knew he shouldn’t rest his hand over Jay’s cock, not when they were both so needy, but he couldn’t help it. He could feel the heat of Jay through the fabric of his jeans and underwear, and he let his thumb trace Jay’s dick to the head. “We’re so screwed.”

“No, we aren’t. We’ll figure this out. Find someone else, maybe. Or how to do it on our own.” Jay shivered. “Stop, okay?”

“Stop touching you?” Austin's fingers closed on Jay’s zipper and drew it down slowly. “You don’t really want me to do that. You want me to touch you.”

“I don’t want you to tease me.”

Austin turned his head and bit Jay’s shoulder, then shifted so he could see the dark, damp spot his mouth had left behind. “You like to be teased.”

“Not like this,” Jay pleaded. Austin genuinely had no idea whether he should continue or not, a dilemma which on its own was probably indication enough that playing dom was beyond his capabilities.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “I don’t know how to do this, and I want to. It’s killing me that I can’t give you what you need.”

Jay growled, pure frustration giving it an edge he wasn’t usually capable of. “Yeah, well, I know how
that
feels.” He rolled his head, his mouth pinched tight. “If I drank, right now is when I’d be sucking on a bottle of vodka. Or tequila. Something.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” Austin had seen Jay drunk once, and if the ball of mush he turned into after a few beers was cute as hell, the puking, whimpering mess he became the next day was too high a price to pay.

They stared at each other, all out of words. Austin felt his arousal ebb, and he sighed. Maybe they could just have an early night and snuggle or something. It was at the opposite end of the spectrum to what they wanted, but in some ways, that made it less grating than sex would’ve been.

“I’m going to take a bath,” Jay said abruptly. He rose and walked off to the bathroom without looking back, the
snick
as the door closed a definite hint that he wanted to get wet by himself.

Austin scrubbed at his face with his hands and sighed. Shit. He hated this. Hated it. The rush of water and the resulting clang from the ancient pipes assaulted his ears, and he stood, walked over to the window, and forced it open so he could take a deep breath of fresh air.

The street outside was quiet, the tall trees bright with new leaves. It was too dark to see them, but he could hear them rustle in the breeze even over the bath filling. It was soothing in a way. A bunch of kids at the corner were talking in the glow of a streetlight, their high voices raised in excitement, their laughter floating up to him. From here, it was hard to be sure, but Austin thought one of them was Nicole’s son, Jon. Nice kid, skinny and tall enough at twelve to come up to Austin’s shoulder. The muted thud of a bounced basketball confirmed it. Jon practically lived with that ball in arm’s reach. Austin had joined in a pickup game at the local court when Jon and his friends had needed an extra player, and he’d been impressed by Jon’s moves.

Austin picked moodily at the peeling paint on the sill and, lost to sight almost immediately, watched the flakes flutter down. He felt bruised and depressed, not a good combination.

The phone rang, and he swung around, irritation rising at the intrusion. If it was someone trying to sell him something, he was going to tear them a fucking new one.

The phone wasn’t on its charging station, which annoyed him even more. By the time he found the handset—next to the sink in the kitchen, a stupid place to leave it—he was gritting his teeth, and he answered in a clipped, angry tone. “Hello?”

“Whoa. Am I interrupting something?”

Most of the anger went out of Austin in a sudden rush, and he leaned against the counter. “Patrick. No, you’re definitely not interrupting anything.”

“What’s wrong?”

It didn't surprise Austin that Patrick could tell something was wrong from just a couple of sentences. He hedged his answer, though he knew it wouldn't fool Patrick. “Nothing. Why?”

“You don’t sound right. Is Jay okay?”

“Depends on your definition of okay.” Austin sighed and tugged a chair out from under the table with his foot, then sat down heavily. “I mean, yeah, he isn’t sick or hurt or anything. Pissed off at me, I guess.”

“Did you have an argument?” Patrick sounded concerned, and for some reason that made Austin feel depressed.

“Not really. Yes. I don’t know.” In a voice not much above a whisper, he said, “We’re falling apart without you.”

There was a short silence before Patrick said firmly, “Nonsense. You two have to be one of the most stable, grounded couples I know. You didn’t need me, remember? You had each other, and that was enough.”

“It was when we had you. The sessions…they made everything else work. We’ve tried to find someone else, and God, Patrick, it’s been a nightmare.” With a few terse sentences, one eye on the bathroom door, Austin filled Patrick in on the events of the previous night. When he’d finished, he felt drained, lighter, as if a burden had been passed over.

Patrick’s voice was gentle when he replied. “I won’t tell you what I think of Niall because you don’t need to hear me swearing, but I do want to know how you’re handling it. It must have left you shaken up.”

“Me? It was Jay who—”

“No,” Patrick interrupted. “I’m sure Jay was upset, but he’s better at handling things than you give him credit for. It’s you I’m most concerned about. You’ve got this protective side to you, and with Jay it’s always turned up to eleven. If you’re blaming yourself in any way—”

“I’m not.” Austin knew he’d replied too quickly and forcefully to be convincing. He sighed. “Okay, maybe a little bit, but I’m not stupid. It was Niall’s fault.”

“Too fucking right it was,” Patrick said. “God, I’m so sorry that I left.”

“You had to go,” Austin said and wished he didn’t sound so desolate. “We’re happy for you.”

“You sound it,” Patrick said wryly. “Look, be honest with me. Is it me you’re missing or what I provided?”

Austin caught his breath. “God, Patrick, it’s both! You make it sound like we were using you, and it wasn’t like that.” Maybe at the beginning, a little, but not by the end.

“I know. I’m just wondering if you’re really looking for someone to replace me or, well, moping.”