Read Rita Lakin_Gladdy Gold_01 Online

Authors: Getting Old Is Murder

Rita Lakin_Gladdy Gold_01 (12 page)

19

Gladdy's Gladiators

I
t is Sunday afternoon and we are sitting in the clubhouse,
our chosen headquarters, strategizing. Now we are six. Since Harriet
met that cute Morrie Langford the other night, she has begged to be
allowed to join our merry band of private eyes. Ida, naturally, is not
thrilled. She still hasn't forgiven Harriet, even though Harriet
apologized for the bank incident.

We have a chalkboard and chairs. What more
do we need? Except that the PA system keeps spewing out songs of the
thirties and forties so loud we have to shout to be heard. The stereo
music is supposed to play outside around the pool. Manuel, our
groundskeeper, turns it on and up every morning before he heads out to
do his landscaping chores. However, he didn't do it today. The music is
inside and blaring at us instead. None of us knows how to figure out
the complicated panel, so Evvie is on her hands and knees (not easy
with arthritis) searching every wall, looking for the plug to shut the
whole thing off. With no success. Hopefully, Manuel will be back soon,
or those of us who aren't deaf will be.

The first half hour is spent wasting time
with general nonsense, all at the top of our lungs. Sophie suggests we
give ourselves a name.

Ida informs her this isn't bingo, this is
not a club, it's very serious business.

Bella, not hearing her, suggests "Gladdy's
Girls."

Ida says, "No names, dammit!"

Sophie, always happy to spite Ida, says,
"How about 'Gladdy
and
her Girls'?"

Bella says, "I like 'Gladdy's Gladiators'
better."

"Where did you come up with that?" Evvie
says from somewhere under one of those industrial-type tables.

"Gladiator is like Gladdy, and Florida has
alligators."

"That has a certain logic, I think," says
Harriet.

She's even beginning to make sense to me
and that's scary. "Thanks for all the credit," I say. "But maybe we
should get down to business."

"It'll look good on T-shirts," says Sophie.

"No T-shirts!" screeches Ida.

"With our names maybe on the pockets," says
Bella.

"No, I don't like pockets," Sophie adds.

Ida picks up her copy of the Broward
Jewish
Journal
and swats them both. "I'll give you a T-shirt, you
meshugenehs! What has seventy-five balls and kills idiots like you!"

"I give up," Evvie says, getting up from
the floor and brushing off her clothes. "I can't find the switch and
somebody should really sweep better in here."

"Is it time to take our coffee break?"
Bella asks.

"We haven't started yet," Ida says with
disgust, "and she wants a break."

"I brought rugallah. Raspberry." She offers
up a handful sweetly. This activates the bringing out of other plastic
Baggies.

Another fifteen minutes are spent dividing
up our coffee and tea and Danish and cinnamon rolls and all the other
various goodies everyone brought, "so no one should go hungry until
lunch in two hours."

As everyone eats and chats, I look at the
dozens of group photos lining the walls. I can feel the spirits of
twenty-five years surrounding me. This building could tell some stories!

Ida sees me glancing around.

"Ghosts," I say.

Ida nods. "So many people gone. But what
good times."

"Tell me," Harriet says.

"Such parties," Ida says. "We'd use
anything as an excuse to celebrate. Besides having all the real
holidays and the Jewish holidays, there were birthdays and
anniversaries and welcoming new arrivals and the births of
grandchildren. . . ."

Evvie laughs. "Harriet, you should have
seen us in the beginning, fresh from New York. The men had all retired
and we came here planning to do nothing but have a good time."

Ida says, "Correction. Murray retired, I
never got to retire. I still had to cook and clean and shop. . . ."

Evvie cuts her off. "At first, in winter,
everybody wore their fur stoles and wool dresses. Until we wised up and
dumped them for shorts and sundresses and muumuus."

"You shoulda seen the pool in those days,
not like the ghost town it is today," Ida says. "Standing room only.
Every lounge chair was spoken for. You would put a towel down to
reserve your seat, turn your back, your lounge was gone. We had to
bring chairs down from the apartments. All the kids came visiting at
the beginning. With all the grandchildren. So much giggling and
laughing . . ."

"Don't forget the weekends in Miami Beach,"
says Evvie.

"The New Year's Eve parties were the best,"
says Sophie. "Everybody got snockered and a little
farblondjet."

"Evvie jumped into the pool naked one
year!" says Bella, giggling.

"I told you a thousand times, I was wearing
a body stocking!"

"You couldn't tell from where I was
standing, dearie," says Ida. "You shoulda seen the men's eyes bugging
out."

"I got drunk. That was when I knew Joe was
going to dump me for that blonde. He dumps me the week before New
Year's Eve, that bastard."

"Everybody was alive and healthy then. . .
." says Bella. "My Abe looked like Valentino in a tux." The tears start
to well up.

"Remember, Evvie, how your choir used to
sing for us?" This from Sophie.

Evvie shakes her head. "Gone. All of them
gone."

"Now the pool is always empty. None of the
kids come down anymore," says Ida bitterly. "We're lucky if we even get
a letter."

"We only got each other," Bella says.

Uh-oh, I think, this trip down memory lane
is taking us up the garden path. I pick up a piece of chalk and tap it
sharply on the board. "OK, my gladiators, enough with the food and
gabbing. Time to get down to business. For Francie's and Selma's
sakes." With the rustling of the cleaning up of packages and such, and
a few last sniffles, they pull themselves back into the present.

I draw a diagram on the chalkboard dividing
up the six buildings in our phase. Each building has thirty-six
apartments, so that's a lot of ground to cover. I suggest we each pick
a building and go by ourselves, but Bella says she's too scared to go
alone, so she insists on going with Sophie and that's OK.

We agree on what to ask. We are looking for
any suspicious behavior. Or any people seen hanging around who don't
belong here. Especially anyone seen near Francie's or Selma's apartment
on the days they died. A discussion evolves about what to tell people
as to why we are asking.

I say we should tell the truth.

Sophie is afraid of scaring everybody. And
she has a point.

Ida believes in being devious. "Let's tell
them we're thinking of hiring a security guard and we want to find out
if we need one. Like if we've seen any weird characters around."

Harriet is afraid that will backfire and I
think she is right.

Bella is nervous. "We can't just
out-and-out say we think Selma and Francie were offed."

We all stare at her. She giggles. "I heard
that on the TV last night."

Evvie, who loves lawyer shows, says it
should be on a "need to know" basis. "We'll say we're doing a survey,
but if they ask, we tell them more. If they don't, we don't."

Harriet agrees, but is dubious. "Evvie has
a point, but suppose someone should want to get into it? What do we say
is the motive? Who would kill them and why? And how? You think poison.
How can we be sure? We have no proof. We have nothing. We don't want to
make fools of ourselves."

Evvie speaks. "Listen, my sister Glad has
intuition. I remember when we were kids, once she was out shopping with
our mother and she insisted they rush home. And there I was lying on
the floor sick as a dog. Glad just knew!"

"That sounds more like ESP," says Ida.

"Whatever," says Evvie. "I trust it. And we
have to start somewhere." Evvie puts her arm around me to show her
support.

I thank her. "I'm hoping we'll get lucky
and someone will have seen or heard something. For now, let's agree to
try what we've been talking about and see how that works."

Evvie and I volunteer to start with the P
building, her building.

Harriet volunteers to take Q, the building
where we live.

Ida volunteers the R (for Rose) building
around the corner where Francie lived. Since Selma lived in Q, these
two are the key buildings, and we want to tackle them first.

Sophie and Bella will tackle S (Sweet
William) across from where Francie lived. That way, we are dealing with
all the apartments closest to the murder scenes.

"Do you think anybody will talk to us?"
Bella worries.

"Everyone but crazy Kronk," says Ida. "She
never opens the door to anyone."

"Probably Enya won't talk to us, either,"
says Harriet.

"Well, do the best you can," I say. "But I
have to impress upon you very strongly what Detective Langford said. We
have to be very careful. We are playing with matches here. Stay cool
and calm and don't do anything foolish."

There is a knock on the door. I quickly
turn the chalkboard around. It has a lot of our ideas written on it.
Evvie goes to unlock the door. Hy is standing there in a bathing suit
and a towel around his neck. Like some fierce bantam cock, he struts
aggressively into the room.

"So, what's with the locked doors and
secret meeting? You girls planning a revolution?"

"Yeah," says Ida, "we're planning to get
rid of the few men who are left. Especially those who tell stupid
jokes."

"Geez," he shouts, "it's loud in here. Why
don't you turn down the hi-fi?"

"Because we don't know how to work the PA,
Mr. Know-it-all," says Evvie.

Hy looks around the room briefly, then
walks over to the panel, selects a switch, and turns it to Off. There
is silence. Glorious silence. He shrugs and starts singing, "Oh, it's
nice to have a man around the house. . . ." wiggling his butt as he
does.

"Didja hear the news this morning?" Hy asks.

"No," we chorus. "And not interested."

"CNN announced that senior citizens are the
leading carriers of aids."

"What!" Ida hollers. "You nutcase!"

"Yup. Carriers of hearing aids, Band-Aids,
Rolaids, walking aids, medical aids, government aids, and especially
monetary aids to their children!"

Evvie picks up a volleyball and throws it
at him. "Get out, you
vantz . . .
you bedbug, you!"

He grins, covering his head with his arms.
"I'm going, I'm going." He runs out the door. A moment later he's back.
"I forgot. I came to deliver a message. Glad and Evvie are wanted at
Irving's. He's interviewing and needs your help. Hey, so don't kill the
messenger!"

Hy starts out the door again.

"Hey, Hy," Evvie calls, "you make out your
will yet?"

He gives her a dirty look. "None of your
business, yenta."

"Yeah, right, we know--you're not going."

"I'd be glad to help you go," says Ida
maliciously, lifting up a heavy ashtray.

Sophie joins in. "You're so ugly now, I
hate to think what you'll look like when you're a hundred and fifty."

"Yeah, you and Mel Brooks, the
thousand-year-old man," says Evvie nastily.

Hy gives us all the finger and walks out
again. Everybody laughs.

I quickly erase the board. "Meeting
adjourned," I say as Evvie and I hurry to the door.

20

Job Descriptions

W
e can see them as far away as
the path to the pool. A sizeable group of women milling about the Weiss
apartment. The ad we wrote must have been better than I thought, or a
lot of people need work. Even from where we are, I can see they are
quite an assortment of ages. Different heights. Different skin tones.
The few seats on the bench are taken; the others either stand or lean
against the wall. Most of them carry worn purses, shopping bags, or
lunch sacks.

We hear shouting from inside the apartment and we quicken
our pace.

In the living room, three people sit rigidly, not looking
at one another. Irving is sitting ramrod-straight on a dining room
chair, staring into space, his face red from anxiety. A thin woman who
looks fortyish also sits on a dining room chair. She is speaking very
gently to Millie, who is on the couch, her fingers tearing away at a
bit of thread on the hem of her sundress and her head turned toward the
window. Millie is shouting, "No, no, go away. I hate you."

The woman must be from Haiti. She speaks in that
wonderful lilting way, trying to calm Millie.

"But I don't hate you, hon. Not at all. You and me, we
could be friends."

"Never," screams Millie. "You make the children angry."

The woman smiles at us when we come in. "I must have said
something to anger her, but I don't know what."

"It's just her sickness," Evvie says.

"Maybe she'll get used to me?"

"No. No--get out." Millie, with little strength, manages
to pick up a pillow and weakly throws it at the woman. The woman gets
up.

"I think maybe she won't," she says, and starts out.
"Good luck to you, Mr. Weiss."

Irving can't speak so we say his good-byes for him.

"What's going on out there?" I ask. "Didn't you set
different appointment times when they called?"

Irving shrugs. "I just said come."

Millie tosses another pillow to protest this conversation.

"I thought maybe she'd watch TV in the sunroom . . ."
Again he shrugs helplessly.

Millie cackles. "Trying to put one over me, heh, old man?
Millie is too fast for the old man."

"This won't work," he says. "Tell them to go home."

We attempt to get Millie to go into the bedroom to take a
nap, but she sits as if glued to the couch. She knows what's going on
and no one is going to get any job without her approval. My heart
sinks. She isn't going to approve of anyone.

The afternoon drags on with painful slowness. One after
another the women come in, give their resumes, and try to enchant the
little princess who behaves more like the wicked queen. Haughtily the
petitioners are each and every one rejected. The "children" whisper in
Millie's ear, goading her into shamefully cruel comments.

Evvie and I exchange glances. We are getting nowhere,
fast. Irving left us six women ago to take a nap. "You pick," he said,
turning the thankless job over to us.

Finally, the last woman is gone. Millie has defeated us.
She seems to be dozing on the couch by now.

Evvie whispers to me. "Next time we do this upstairs."

I start gathering up the paper cups from the many coffee
and water offerings and bring them into the kitchen. Evvie goes off to
the bathroom.

I think back on that god-awful day when we all faced
Millie's doctor together and heard for the first time what we suspected
anyway. Millie started to tell the doctor how terrified she was of the
possibility of having Alzheimer's. This doctor, who, I suspect, along
with too many others, came down to Florida to suck the money out of the
elderly, didn't even bother to look at her. "What are you worried
about, lady? It takes about ten years for Alzheimer's to kill you.
You'll be dead long before that, anyway."

We were all too shocked to say anything.

Later, I cursed him and hoped
he'd
die horribly
and soon.

I'm pulled out of my reverie. "Come in, come in," says a
high, pleasant voice. "Don't be a stranger." I turn, startled to see
Millie through the kitchen pass-through window, beckoning to someone at
the front door. I turn again and there is a very young Hispanic woman
standing uncertainly on the threshold.

Millie walks to her with ease and graciously reaches out
to shake hands. The princess has returned. The young woman smiles a
wide, gold-toothed, lopsided grin. Millie pulls her into the living
room and whirls her around. Then she proceeds to do a right-on-target
parody of husband and two closest friends. Evvie returns to my side and
we both watch this bizarre scene. Millie has our voices down pat.

"And my dear, do you have experience? No, never mind, I
don't care about that. The important thing is can you dance?"

The woman, by now introduced as Yolanda Diaz, is
enchanted by Millie and says, pretending insult,
"Que mujer
de Guadalajara
no
puede bailer?"

"La rumba?
Cha-cha? Lambada? Tango?" asks this
expert of the salsa scene.

"Naturalmente,"
says Yolanda.

"Perfecto,"
says Millie, who has never before
uttered a word in Spanish. With that, she drags Yolanda by the hand
over to the ancient hi-fi, which hasn't been used since Millie took
sick years ago. She tosses records every which way until she comes up
with an old Perez Prado album. Millie pulls it out of its
sleeve, dusts it off by blowing on it and unerringly manages to get it
onto the record player.

Evvie and I are beyond dumbfounded.

And then, there they are, the usually catatonic
eighty-year-old woman doing a mean rumba with this very young, puzzled,
yet willing applicant, to "Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White."

Irving comes out of the bedroom in his stocking feet,
rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "What's this racket?" he asks.

"Irv, come meet Yolanda," Evvie says, smiling. "We just
hired her." With that, Millie collapses to the floor and falls asleep.

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