Authors: K Larsen
Chapter 21
Allie rides to the Parlor with Clara and Dom. Pepper is unusually quiet. She only stares out the window lost in thought like she used to do before.
“Tell me a truth
,” I say breaking the silence.
“I’m nervous
,” she answers.
“About what?”
“Having this celebration with Clara and Dominic. I feel out of place and I don’t think Clara likes me,” she says hesitantly.
“Clara doesn’t like anyone that I date. It’s not you. It’s her.”
“She loves you still,” she says quietly.
“Not like that. She’s just shitty at letting someone else have what was hers.”
“It feels like more,” she says.
“Trust me when I tell you this, Clara is in love with Dominic. The way she looks at him was
never
the way she looked at me. She’s just a control freak who doesn’t like to share,” I explain. Pepper nods as I pull into a parking spot.
“You know, there’s this guy who works here who is just about the funniest thing I’ve ever encountered
,” she changes the subject expertly.
“Johnny. Yeah. He is a staple here. Allie adores him.” I laugh
.
“I do too
,” she sighs.
“Should I be jealous?” I ask with humor
.
“No, no. I’ve just...I like this place. It’s perfect for an ice cream
,” she says. I want to ask for another truth. I want to know why she’s staring into the picture window of the Parlor with such a dazed look on her face but we don’t have time. Not now.
As always
, we take the bench booth at the picture window, with Allie, Clara, and Dom on one side and Pepper and me on the other. Johnny comes round, all smiles and wit, to take our orders. He doesn’t disappoint with his hot pink capri pants, black-and-white skull tee, and checkered Converse outfit. Allie points out each thing that’s hilarious about his clothing and he plays right along saying he’s lucky to have her to keep him in line. When he gets to Pepper for her order, he stares at Pepper with curiosity, like he’s trying to place her, but makes no comment. Pepper keeps her eyes down while she orders.
“Allie, you did great tonight!” Clara
beams. Allie smiles and shoves a bite of ice cream into her mouth.
“You’re really talented. That was amazing tonight. Sawyer didn’t warn me about how cool it would be
,” Pepper chimes in. “And Clara, I’m really impressed. You play piano beautifully. It must take a lot of work to put all of that together.”
“I guess. I’ve been doing it for a while now
,” Clara replies dryly. Dom nudges her shoulder and she pushes her spoon into her mouth while she shoots daggers at him. Strike one, Clara.
“How long have you two known each other?” Dom asks
, breaking the silence.
“A few months
,” Pepper answers, smiling. My chest literally gets warm when her face lights up. I should call the doctor.
“Interesting
,” Clara grumbles with a fake smile.
“Pepper is at a lot of the club stuff. She rides a bike
, Mom!” Allie squeaks.
“Fascinating.” Clara’s words are dripping with sarcasm
.
“She works at the skate rink! How cool is that?” Allie continues
.
“Well it must be nice to not have a rigorous career. Some days I’d love to just have a fluff job.”
Strrrrrrike two. One more and she’s out.
“Clara
…” Dom scolds before I can.
“No, it’s ok
ay,” Pepper cuts in. “I didn’t get to finish college, I’d like to go back but I need to save up the money first so that I don’t have loans.”
“That’s a smart way to do it
,” Dominic says and smiles. “What were you studying?”
“Psychology originally, but now, I think maybe I’d like to change my major to Criminal Justice.”
“That’s a tough career to make decent money. Have you thought about what you’d want to do for work with either degree?” Dom asks.
For the first time ever, I’m grateful for Dominic Napoli. He is being gracious and easygoing in a situation where clearly Clara is not willing to do the same
.
“I haven’t had a chance yet to explore the options
, really,” Pepper answers.
“Have you thought about a business degree? I have some positions that will need to be filled in the next
twenty-four months at the club I opened here in Blacksburg. You could call it an internship,” he offers sincerely.
“Really?” she asks
, bewildered.
“Absolutely
,” he answers. Clara snorts and I kick her shin under the table to shut her up.
“I hardly think slinging drinks while scantily clad can be called an internship
, honey,” she whips at Dom. He all but growls at her but keeps his mouth shut. Strike motherfucking three, Clara.
“I have waitressing experience
, actually. I wouldn’t mind,” Pepper announces. Something new. Something I didn’t know.
“I wasn’t implying that you’d be slinging drinks, as my darling wife so nicely put it. I was thinking more of having you help out in the office. Accounting, orders, hiring, payroll, et
cetera,” he explains.
“Wow. Really?”
“If you’re game and planning on sticking around, yes,” he answers. Allie sticks her spoon into Clara’s ice cream and takes a bite.
“Hey!” Clara exclaims
.
“I wanted to try it.” Allie shrugs
.
“You’ve been spending too much time eating with Sawyer.” Clara chuckles
.
“
Naw, he’s only like that with bacon.” The table, including myself, erupts with laughter. The kid is spot-on.
Allie looks like she needs someone to roll her out of
the Parlor by the time we’re all finished. Of course Pepper, the champ, took down her entire sundae with no issue. I have no idea where it all goes but man, that gal can eat ice cream. Dom and Pepper stand near his car, talking about next steps for a possible job while Allie climbs in and Clara and I hang back a step or two.
“Sawyer, is this serious?” she asks me quietly
.
“I hope so
,” I admit.
“I don’t think you should just bring dates around Allie. She gets attached
,” she starts.
“I’m not an idiot
, Clara,” I grit out.
“I do wonder sometimes
,” she quips.
“Listen, cut the shit. You were downright rude to Pepper in there and it pissed me off. She’s not so different from you. She’s reserved, doesn’t trust easily
, and has some baggage.”
“Are you saying I’ve got baggage?” she squeaks
.
“An entire
ship hold’s worth. You going to deny that?” I snap.
“No.”
She looks at the pavement, fidgeting. “I just don’t like that she’s hiding something. I can feel it. She’s not good enough for you.”
“You don’t get to be the judge. I’ll decide that. As for hiding shit, you are the queen of that. But trust me when I say you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If she wants to share with you someday, she will, but I’m not talking to you about her personal stuff,” I say, hoping to drive the point home.
“Fine.”
“Fine,” I parrot.
“Thanks for coming tonight
,” she says.
“I wouldn't have missed it for anything
,” I answer.
Clara steps away
, approaching Dom, slinging an arm around his waist. He pulls her in tightly to his side. I step into Pepper’s space and place a hand on her shoulder. She looks up to me and smiles shyly before thanking Dominic and Clara for the concert and ice cream. I grab her hand as we walk back to the truck, swinging it up to plant a light kiss on the inside of her wrist.
“She definitely does not like me
,” Pepper declares. I can’t help it. I burst out laughing and sweep her up into my arms. She clutches my neck and squeals.
“Who gives a shit?” I answer. She smiles and kisses me sweetly
.
“Good answer. Let’s go have some hot sex. I could use a Sawyer Crown orgasm right about now
,” she whispers into my mouth. I set her down in front of her door, open it for her, and watch as she buckles in.
“One Crown orgasm, coming right up!” I
say and laugh, shutting the door and trotting around to my side.
Chapter 22
Green, blue
, and black whirl together, speeding past me. The sun is shining brightly and the air is warm and fresh. To top it all off, Pepper’s on the back of my bike. I can smell the honeysuckle scent that I’ve come to associate with her whirling around us. The last week has felt off. She’s hot and cold. Willing to snuggle or hold hands one second but then pulling out of my hold the next. Sex, though, damn. It’s good. It’s frequent and it’s wild. But the thing is I want this to be more than sex. I want to feel connected to her through more than just the physical intimacy part. I want the conversations, the knowing each other through just a shared look. The easy way two people move about a house together through sheer practice and time. She’s halfway there but retreating, little by little, outside of sex, day by day. It concerns me. I try to bring it up and she refuses to talk about it.
“Tell me a truth
,” I’d said the other morning. She’d stayed silent. I’d tried a different approach. I’d dropped my lips to the scar on her side and kissed it. “How’d you get this?”
“Car accident.”
I’d kissed the next one, near her shoulder. “And this?”
She’d sighed. “Explosion.”
“And this one?” I’d trailed kisses along the scar that barely shows on her face.
“Broken nose. Are we done?” she’d snapped at me finally
.
“Pepper?” I’d asked
, hoping she’d open up, talk to me.
“I should get home.”
“You haven’t even had coffee yet,” I’d noted. She’d pushed out of my bed, dressed, and left without uttering another word. Car accident. Explosion. Broken nose. It was something. It was sharing, but it’d put her in a funk enough to leave abruptly. I’d rubbed my hand over my face and growled at the ceiling, frustrated. I should have gone after her. I didn’t.
Frustration coils in my stomach as we speed along towards her house. I suggested this ride. I’d wanted to get out, the two of us alone, away from the bedroom, to connect.
The ride has been silent, which is fine, seeing as it gives me time to think and Pepper time to just be wrapped around me. I’m running out of ideas on how to break through her walls. I know she’s given me more than she thought she was capable of lately. I know that in her head that makes sense but I also know that she’s got a lot more to give. The way she is with Allie says so. The way she is with me in those tender moments when she’s not hiding herself away, I see it. I see more. I see what a good friend she is to Greta. How they take care of each other in a silent, strong way. The passion that goes into her workouts. She’s all in. It’s there, it’s in her, more, but how do I convince her that it exists when she refuses to acknowledge it?
At the club gatherings, people love her.
The only exception is Carmine, who’s been missing in action for the last two days. Hoot thinks she's just about the sweetest thing, outside of Greta, who walks the planet. Beau keeps saying to “tie that shit down,“ because she's a good woman who’s equally good with all the kids. How does she not recognize those parts of herself?
We pull onto her street and her hands slide to the insides of my thighs, slowly sliding their way up to my crotch. I know what she’s doing. I pull into her driveway and kill the engine as she starts to massage me. Pulling her arms from me
, I hop off the bike and reach out to help her off. I want her to know this isn’t just a sex thing for me. I secure our helmets to the bike and take her hand as we walk up and into her house.
“Baby, help me out of these pants. We definitely have time before I have to be at work
,” Pepper says and winks. I sigh. I am all for sex. Lots of sex. But it seems like that’s all I am to her. That that’s all
we
are.
“I don’t want to just screw you
, Pepper. Why does it seem like all you want from me is sex?” I grate out. She stops, body stiff, and looks at me. I let her. I’m still holding her hand; I want to show her that I want the whole deal, not just the bedroom. She jerks her hand from mine and takes two steps away from me, glowering. Hurt.
“Sex is easy. Unattached and safe. If you fall in love it’s no longer safe sex
,” she admits, moving to the kitchen. She pulls down the bourbon and a glass. I want to take that bottle and smash it against the wall.
“You'll regret it. Living behind your wall. You’ll never fall in love if you don’t risk it all. You have a choice
,” I push. She snorts at me and shakes her head venomously. She puts the glass to her lips and slugs back the brown liquid in one fluid motion.
“Don’t you understand? I chose this life over the other one. I knew
what I was getting into, no family, no connections, no PTA meetings or holiday dinners, no relationships. It was a tough call...but I made it. I had no one left. Not really. It was easy for me.” Tears start to leak from the sides of her eyes. “But you—you have people. You have a whole network of people that love you...Allie and Clara and good friends who would miss you. Don't you see? I made a choice knowing I would miss out on all those things. I chose knowing my future would be permanently altered. That my dreams from before would just have to adapt to my new life. I can't drag you down that road with me. I'd never ask that of anyone. Adapt or die, Sawyer, that's how I live.” She wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. I feel like I’m drowning in her words. “You will never have to make that choice. I will never allow you to put yourself in a position where you have to make that choice,” she continues. “Your attraction to me is much like your love was for Clara. I’m another damaged, broken woman with secrets to save.”
“Stop it
!” I roar angrily, tension seizing my muscles. She’s wrong and crossing a line. I could have compared her. I didn’t. I didn’t because there was something about her that made me look past those feelings, made me leave them behind. I will not let her do that.
“No! I won't. I’m not Clara. I’m not fixable. You don’t get to know my past, my secrets. They. Are. Mine. I’m not hiding them in shame. I’m legally not able to divulge. You need move past that. I can only give you what I’ve been giving you. I have nothing else. I can’t use you like she did. I’m not that selfish
!” she yells at me, arms flying up dramatically and hair whirling around her shoulders. Anger rips through me.
“She's not as selfish as people think. You don’t even know her! I won’t stand for anyone
bad-mouthing her or any of the people I care about for that matter,” I push. She stops moving and stares wide-eyed at me.
“Oh shit
!” she hisses in shock, “you still love her.”
“No
,” I declare firmly.
“Yes.” She shakes her head
and says, “What am I, Sawyer? A distraction? A plaything to take your mind off of your reality?”
“No
, Pepper. It’s not like that. I’ve lived secrets. I’ve had the alternative relationship. It sucked. I don’t want that. I want honesty and accountability. I want you and I want the truth,” I grind out, irritated. We’re standing in the kitchen close together but the spaces between our words and each other seem so stretched out. Dread builds with the weight of every passing second that she’s silent.
“I’m not her. I’m not her and I think you’re still hung up on her. I think you’re comparing me to her
,” she finally admits.
“I’m not comparing you. I’m not hung up on Clara! FUCK!” I blow out in frustration. “I’m pissed off because you’re hiding something huge
, Pepper. I don’t know what it is but I know that it’s big. You aren’t in witness protection for nothing! I promised myself I wouldn’t do secrets again!” I yell out. Shock registers on her face like a physical slap.
“Then don’t
,” she replies simply, closed off. Her face grows stoic.
“How can you say that? I’m telling you I’m giving up on you...say something!” I shout in frustration
.
“I’ve given what I am capable of. I’m sorry that’s not enough for you.” Her shoulders droop and her expression is broken but she won't budge. Resistance. Nothing but resistance. It’s infuriating. Her eyes glisten with tears that she holds in.
She’s fighting the urge to cry. She’s willing me to make this choice for us. For me to leave. She’s proving a point, even if the cost is her own heart. Facing each other in a staring match, I need to know more, but she can’t give it to me.
“It’s not enough
,” I bark and stalk out of the house, slamming the door behind me. At the bottom step of the porch, I hear a glass shatter. The sound mimics the way my heart feels.