When her over emotional hormones kicked in and she started crying, it made me feel terrible. I wasn’t the only person going through Hell. We were both suffering. As much as I wanted to hate Ash, I knew she was the only woman I could be close to without wanting something more. I stood up, walked over to her side of the table, and hugged her. “Don’t cry, Ash.” I ran my hand through her dark hair. “We’re goin’ to get through this, together. We’re a team in this. Maybe it’s best if I focus on the babies. We’ve got a long road ahead, and our families are counting on us to make the right decisions. I say we take this pity party and use it to our advantage.”
“How do you think that’s goin’ to happen?” She looked up with tears in her eyes, like I was being a fool.
“No more drama. We concentrate on bein’ good parents. We read books and shit; whatever we have to do to prepare. No more bullshit with ex’s or one-night stands. I’m done with it all.”
We stared at each other and she patted my hand. “Okay. We’ll do it together, for the babies.”
“For the babies,” I repeated.
I stood up and walked over to my seat, admiring the casserole sitting in the middle of the table. “So, what did you make?”
“It’s Mexican. I got it off one of those shows. I’m just warnin’ you, it might taste like ass. I’ve never been good at cooking.”
I put a piece on my plate and took a bite. “It’s pretty good for bein’ ass.” I winked and saw her smiling at me.
Our troubles were far from gone. My heart ached for Lacey, but I knew I was doing what she wanted. Even though we were done, I wanted her to be able to see that I’d changed. Hell or high water, I was going to be a better man and prove everyone wrong about me.
Lacey
Shayne and Joey had both been calling me and I knew I owed at least one of them an explanation as to why I’d been avoiding them. Telling Joey that our tryst was over by phone wasn’t feasible. He’d want a real explanation; one he could believe.
By that weekend, my anxiety was sky high. I’d gotten myself so worked up about everything that I hadn’t considered not being able to go through with it.
Joey was at his door when I pulled up, shirtless, holding it open without saying anything.
I made it inside and watched him shut the door behind us. He came up to me and put his hands on my shoulders. “Why haven’t you been takin’ my calls? I finally get your number and you won’t answer it when I call you.” He leaned in and kissed me softly on my lips, almost making me forget what I’d come there to do.
I pulled away, but he still had a hold of me. “We need to talk about something.”
He pulled me in for another kiss and I didn’t know how to stop him, so I just blurted out something that would get his attention. “I slept with Shayne.”
He pulled away and stared into my eyes. I felt horrible and my stomach began to knot up. He scrunch up his face. “What do you mean? I know you slept with him,…”
“This week. He came to my house and we slept together.”
I was afraid of how he’d react, but Joey kept his cool. He sat down on the couch and took a sip of his beer, then leaned back and looked at me. “Why are you tellin’ me this?”
I sat down next to him. “I’m tired of all the lies. I can’t take it anymore.”
Joey reached for my hand and touched the top of it. “I don’t lie to you, Lace.”
“Yes, you do. You erased my phone when Shayne called, didn’t you?”
He smiled. “Yeah, you got me there. That’s different though, and you know it. Shit, Lace, I even told you about other women in my life. I’ve never told any other person that.”
“I can’t see you anymore.” I looked away, afraid to see the way he was going to judge me.
“What are you goin’ to go back to Shayne now? You think he’s good for you? Can he give you what I can? Does he make you feel the way that I do?”
“No!” I was so frustrated. “He doesn’t, okay? This isn’t about Shayne.”
“You came here to tell me that you were together and now you can’t see me anymore. What else would it be about?” Joey stood up and paced around the living room. I watched him shake his head and clench his jaw, while I thought about how to best explain.
“Being with Shayne made me realize that I’m on a collision course. I can’t keep doing it to myself. It’s ripping me apart from the inside. When I’m with you, I forget who I am. You make me feel alive and like nobody ever has before, but it’s a temporary high. The moment I walk out your door, I think about you being with other women. I think about the pictures and what else you could be hiding from me. I think about all of the people that have warned me about how you are. It’s just too much.”
“Lacey, you’re so wrong. I’m not hidin’ nothin’ else from you. Sure, I lied about Shayne, but that’s only because I wanted you for myself. You think I wanted to share you? You’re the only woman that I’ve ever had to fight to be with. Once I had you, I knew one thing.” He walked over and got on his knees in front of me. I was already crying. “I knew I didn’t want to let you go.”
I tried to look away. “I wish you really meant that, Joey, because being with you is wonderful. You and I both know, it was just about the sex. It’s not like you even do relationships, so don’t give me that shit that I’m different. Look, I’ve thought a lot about this and it’s best if we just stop.”
“I think you’re scared that you might have feelin’s for me.”
He shocked me and I remembered back when I thought he was a cocky bastard. “I’m stopping this before that can happen.”
For a moment I saw this spark in his eyes, almost like he was going to fight for me to stay. “I guess you need to do what you think is right, Lacey.” I stood up and tried to hug him, but he backed away from me. “You should probably go. I mean, I don’t want you to have to be around when I’m callin’ someone else to come entertain me, because that would just be rude.”
By the time I made it to his door, I was already bawling. Sky was a knock away, but I chose to leave the property. I couldn’t handle seeing Joey with another woman. Realizing that only let me know what I was walking away from. Sure, he wasn’t willing to be in a committed relationship, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t falling for him. I needed to get as far away from him as possible.
Joey had made it clear that he was going to move on and that all I was to him was a fuck. No matter what kind of bullshit that he fed me to make it happen, I was just a conquest. Being able to watch me walk out the door with no remorse was enough proof for me.
I drove fast, speeding home, where I knew I could be alone to suffer in peace. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, not my parents or my friends. I needed to be in seclusion, where I didn’t have to talk about being hurt and alone. I wanted to cry without explaining why.
Once I was in my room, I buried my face on my bed. My sobs were loud, but like every night, my parents weren’t home. They wouldn’t understand that my heart was broken. They’d tell me everything would be okay, when I wasn’t sure it ever would be.
I’d tried to be with Shayne, to be able to say goodbye and not feel awful about walking away from him. I wanted to forget about the way I’d loved him for so long. I needed to escape his hold on me.
Joey was the key. He helped me see that another man could give me more. He’d showed me that I was desirable and made all of the pain go away. Saying goodbye to him was what was killing me. I felt more empty than before, and extremely alone.
I felt like saying goodbye to Joey was harder than breaking up with Shayne. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how sex with the man had left me with feelings that I couldn’t explain. My heart ached for him to reach out to me. I wanted my phone to ring; for him to beg me to come back to his place so we could talk about being together.
But it never did.
After that night, I promised that I’d stay away from Sky’s until I knew I was able to see Joey without hurting. It was the hardest thing that I’d had to do, pretending that I could be strong on the outside when my insides felt like they’d been stabbed a zillion times.
After four whole weeks, Joey hadn’t called. Shayne still left messages, but I erased them before listening. All of my progress would have been for nothing if I allowed myself to feel bad about ignoring him.
I saw Sky at school, but she knew better than to talk about either of the guys. Instead, she talked about Ford and how well he was doing working for her father. As happy as I was for her, I still envied her life. Ford was the perfect guy. He was so in love with Sky that he never even looked at other women. Several times I asked what she did to keep him so happy, thinking maybe there was some secret, but she said I was crazy. She told me that I needed to keep doing what I was doing and happiness would find me.
There was only one problem with her theory. I wasn’t going to find love someday, because I already was in love, with a man that never offered me anything but a good time. The longer I was away from Joey, the more I knew that my feelings for him had grown into something more. The worst part about it, was knowing that he’d never feel the same way about me.
Chapter 21
Shayne
After a while it’s normal to get sick of moping around. For weeks I’d dwelled on all of my failures instead of taking into account everything I was doing for my family. They may not have known it, but I was protecting them, being responsible, and making sure that we had a part in the newest members of our family’s lives.
It had taken my dad a month before he would finally talk to me about anything non work related. Even though his grudge was still apparent, I found compromise when he broke down and invited me and Ashley to come to dinner.
My sister was the only person who appeared to be genuinely excited, but it was a step in the right direction. Ashley seemed more nervous than me. They knew we weren’t a real couple, so it wasn’t like they were expecting us to hold hands or be affectionate.
We were just two people that shared one night together. Out of that night we made a baby and chose to raise it as two loving parents.
On the outside it sounded almost perfect. For me, never willing to be tied down, it made sense. Nobody expected me to be this knight in shining armor.
We were invited over on a Saturday and Ashley must have changed her clothes ten times. She was nervous and I tried my best to reassure her. “Will you calm down? You barely look pregnant. Everything you’ve put on looks cute.”
“Cute? I don’t want to look cute. I need to look mature, like a mother.”
I rolled my eyes and covered my face to prevent her from seeing me frustrated. “Ash, please put something comfortable on. You don’t have to impress any of them. It’s not like they’ve never met you before.”
She sat down next to me and put her head on my shoulder. “I know. I’m trying to be at my best knowing that this lie could blow up at any time. Since your family already hates me, I’d like to have some sort of dignity once the truth is out.”
I patted her leg. “Everyone will love the twins. Ain’t that what matters the most?”
She smiled. Since we’d been living together, Ashley had changed. She cared about what other’s thought and had been so focused on learning everything she could about being a mother. Her stepmother was close to our age, which did nothing for Ashley’s need for a mother figure. She tried though, always doing what she thought was going to get her in good graces with Ashley.
Her real mother left town a few years back. She married some other government official and barely spoke to her daughter. I always thought Ashley would end up being selfish like her, but this pregnancy had changed her.
“I’m just goin’ to wear this. We can go whenever you’re ready.” She smiled, but I could tell she was anxious.
“I’ve been ready for nearly an hour,” I teased.
She gave me a dirty look as we headed out the door.
The car ride was quiet. She fidgeted with her hands, picking at her fingernails and biting them at times. I looked through the mirror toward the backseat and clenched my jaws. “Guess I’m goin’ to have to get a new ride soon. This car isn’t made to hold car seats, especially two of em’.”
She looked back and laughed. “I never noticed. Wow, guess you never get action in that thing.”
“This car was for pickin’ up women. The action started when we got back to a bed.”
Ashley laughed more. “You’re never goin’ to change are you, Shayne?”
“Be nice. Honestly, it gets lonely. I sit around and watch my friends and family settling down and a part of me wants that.”
“You had it with Lacey. That girl chased you for years, didn’t she? I remember seein’ her around.”
“Yeah, her family had a place at the beach near mine. I’ve known her for years, since we were teenagers.”
“What will it take for someone like you to settle down?”
I looked over at her and then back to the road. “Please tell me that you’re askin’ in general. You know you and I won’t work, right?”
Ash nudged my arm. “Eww. No! I’m not askin’ for me. I was just bein’ a friend, you douche. Two guys in the same family are too much for me.”
“Hey, you got what you wanted. Didn’t you always say you wanted to be a part of our family? The two kids in your stomach made that happen.”
“That wasn’t what I meant.” I offended her and I felt bad. She’d been the only solid friend in my life lately.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to piss you off.”
“It’s fine.” She paused and looked out the window. “Shayne, can I tell you somethin’?”
“Sure.”
“You’re my only friend. I can’t talk to anyone else. You know my secrets. Somehow, you always do. I know for a while you hated me, but I appreciate everything you’re doing. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”
Ashley reached over and grabbed my hand. I squeezed it. “We’re cool. I know I said I hated you, but I was only sayin’ it because I was so pissed.”
“I know I shouldn’t have lied to Ford. At least he’s happy now. Your sister said he’s doin’ real good at his job.”
“He talks to the family more. It’s good that he’s back to bein’ normal. I mean, we all thought he’d marry you.”
“When Harley died everything changed. A part of Ford died with her. Now his mother’s back after all those years. He’s got a lot on his plate. I never would have said this months ago, but I’m glad he has Sky. She seems like she’s just as crazy about him.”