Reggie & Me (6 page)

On our walk this morning I let Reggie off the lead as usual and he went running towards his favourite tree. He saw a squirrel there a couple of weeks ago and now has to check every morning if the squirrel is back. I saw a guy walking along the path towards me. He was dressed in a suit, carrying a briefcase and talking on his mobile phone, so there was no logical reason why I felt my blood run cold. I was really scared. As he walked towards me, I don’t think he even noticed I was there. I felt Reggie’s cold, wet nose touch my hand and he stood beside me. He must have sensed that I was frightened as usually he was far too busy on squirrel patrol even to glance in my direction. Reggie sat next to me, staring at the guy on the phone. He had certainly noticed I was there now and looked at me as if to ask if Reggie was friendly. I smiled at him and said, ‘He’s fine.’ The man smiled back and carried on walking. There wasn’t anything to fear for either of us, and a simple smile was all it took for us both to be reassured. I felt safe and so grateful that Reggie had behaved like that. He certainly looks like a dog you wouldn’t want to mess with, even though I am not completely sure what he would actually do if I needed protection.

The selfless act of abandoning squirrel patrol was worth it for Reggie as Mum was so proud that she cooked him chicken for
dinner. She even called my grandparents to tell them about it.

I have spent this evening getting everything ready for school. Like all the other things I’ve worried about, when I actually do something about it I’m not quite as frightened. I have my uniform ready and I hope that it will be a warm day so that I don’t need to wear my oversized pullover. All of my stationery is packed away and I have the real essentials ready in my new bag: lip balm and tissues. I’ll be taking my own lunch as both of my experiences of school dinners weren’t great. According to the woman we spoke to earlier this year, I’d be getting everything else I need at the start of term. I even walked Reggie to the school gate this morning to work out exactly how long it would take. About six minutes! Mum had thought that through too as she didn’t want me walking a long way to school any more. One annoying thing is that the jewellery policy says I can’t wear my bracelet. I’m getting into a habit of taking it off in the morning and putting it back on in the evening, so I don’t miss it too much. It’s amazing how attached I’ve become to it. As a replacement to make me smile, Jane sent me some red pens and pencils that would comply with school rules and still remind me to be courageous. They’re packed! So, there’s not much more I can do to prepare. The scary is part is not knowing what’s actually going to happen.

I wonder if anyone in my new Form Group even knows that they’ll be a new kid starting? I wonder if they’ll even care? We called it Tutor Groups in my last school. I hadn’t ever considered what it must be like for a new kid starting school. We had a couple of new kids throughout my time in my old school and I didn’t give it a second thought. Now, I wish I’d made more effort to at least smile at them.

The best part of today was the Chinese takeaway we’ve just eaten.

I made it through my first day, but I’m not really feeling the love for going back tomorrow. I guess it could have been worse, although I’m not sure how.

I got there on time despite Reggie choosing this morning to roll in something that doesn’t even bear thinking about. I had to hose him down when I got home, so I was running late and worried that it was a sign of how the rest of my day was going to go. I was right. Washing Reggie was actually a highlight! So, I turn up at school in time to hear the first bell and find my way to my Form Group as I was instructed. The teacher, Miss Haywood, spotted me and welcomed me in. ‘You must be Danielle.’

In that moment, the room went quiet and the rest of the class just stared at me. So much for remaining anonymous. I found a seat without much trouble and listened as Miss Haywood explained to us that Year 11 was the most important year of our lives and it would make or break what we wanted to do in the future. Feeling suitably uninspired I was given my timetable. As if the day hadn’t already started badly enough I read that I would have to endure Maths every Monday morning for the next year. This had to be some sort of cosmic joke. All of a sudden I had Grandpa’s voice in my head saying, ‘Hasn’t she been through enough?!’ I smiled as I caught the eye of a fellow Form Grouper. She didn’t smile back.

Miss Haywood pointed me in the right direction for my first lesson and said that she would be in that room all day if I needed anything. I wasn’t sure I’d ever find it again but thanked her and headed off by myself in the direction I’d been sent. To be fair, the lessons weren’t too bad. We were getting the same lecture in most of them to start with. This is the most important year of
your life, concentrate, work hard, blah, blah, blah. At least I could just sit and listen so I was quite grateful that I wasn’t expected to interact with anyone. As the day went on it was becoming clearer that I would have a lot to catch up on and that things were quite different here. Whilst I was right that history hadn’t changed, I wasn’t expecting it to repeat itself. I was about to start work on ‘Medicine Through Time’ for the second year running! I had studied this last year and again in the summer holiday thinking that I would never have to do it again, I needed to catch up on Modern World History by myself. That should keep me out of trouble and help me sleep!

Break and lunch times were the worst. I just sat by myself. I could see everyone else catching up on the gossip and laughing about what had happened in the holidays. I desperately wanted a group that I could go and talk to, but at the same time, the thought of having to talk to anyone scared me. They would ask where I was from and why I left. Mum and I had agreed that if anyone asked, we would say that we moved for her job. That was nice and easy but I still didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I wasn’t sure why I felt so scared though. Was it normal to feel like this or was I scared that people would find out about what happened?

They were the longest breaks of my life.

At the sound of that final bell it was like I’d been freed from prison. I almost ran home, got changed in record time and was out with Reggie before I could give school a second thought. At least he was pleased to see me. It was so nice to have something else to focus on as otherwise I think I would have moped around feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I was in the park watching Reggie playing with a dog half his size. There is no better distraction!

It was Mum’s first day at work too and she came home armed with the Chinese takeaway. This was a very pleasant surprise. She had sent me a couple of texts during the day to see how I was
getting on and I just replied saying I was fine as I didn’t want her to worry. Especially after she’d admitted she was nervous about starting her new job too.

We sat together, devouring the food and talking about how our days had been. We both said that they’d been good and came up with a couple of stories. The most interesting thing I could think of to tell her was that I’d have Maths on a Monday morning. It then went quiet and we both laughed as Mum said to me, ‘Was your day pretty crap too then?’

I was so relieved it wasn’t just me and grinned as I replied, ‘Yep, it has been a long, lonely day and I’m very happy to be home.’

Mum packed away the empty takeaway boxes and admitted that she hadn’t really spoken to anyone either as she’d been handed folders of policies and procedures to read. I don’t really know what they are but it sounds about as exciting as having to repeat ‘Medicine Through Time’!

As I came upstairs to get some homework done she said, ‘It will get better you know, we both just need to give it some time.’ That would be easier said than done when I couldn’t even get someone to smile back at me, but I kept that thought to myself. She was still sure that moving here was a good thing for us and that it would just take time to settle in properly. I really hope she’s right as I’m not sure how many days like this I can take!

I wish I could say that day two was better.

It wasn’t.

Well, in some ways it was as Reggie didn’t roll in anything disgusting this morning and I didn’t have Maths. Nobody can say that I’m a complete pessimist. School wasn’t any better though. Miss Haywood cornered me this morning with an upbeat, ‘Hi, Danielle, how are you getting on, are you all ready for day two?’

I didn’t really know what to say. I feel like I’ve got an entire year’s worth of work that I need to teach myself, nobody will even glance in my direction let alone speak to me and I’m scared that people will find out the real reason why I moved school. Other than that, I am fine and dandy! So, I stuck with the standard response of, ‘Fine thanks, I’m okay,’ and she seemed happy with that.

I thought about what Mum said about being patient and making an effort to be friendly. Patience is easy as I don’t have an option, but I can try being friendly. I had already endured another day of break and lunch times on my own and it’s really not much fun at all. I felt like people were staring at me, but every time I looked up nobody was looking my way. At lunchtime I was sitting near a group of girls who I know are in my year as two of them are in my Form Group. I overheard them talking about trying out for the sports teams for that year. They said that the sign-up sheets were going to be outside the PE block early next week. I kept listening while they were talking and it seems that the school has a successful collection of sports teams. They were listing loads of schools that they were going beat and apparently every other school in the area is crap. It took me back to sitting with my friends at my old school. We were on most of the sports teams and did okay throughout the year. It didn’t seem to matter whether we won or lost, the other school was always crap for one
reason or another. It’s amazing how you can moan about your own school, but as soon as you’re on that sports team it’s every other school that’s crap. Listening to those girls made me miss that feeling of being part of something. I didn’t really miss my friends so much, although it would be nice to have people to talk to; I just really missed being a part of something. Maybe I could have that again if I tried out for the teams? It’s been a while since I played any sports but I haven’t forgotten the rules, and surely if I was on the teams in my old school I couldn’t be that bad at it. All I need to do now is find out where the sign-up sheets are when they go up next week. I was tempted to ask one of the girls who is in my Form Group, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

What’s happened to me? I really didn’t think I’d ever be too frightened to go and speak to someone. I felt like I was literally glued to my seat and despite knowing that the simplest thing to do would be to get up and ask, I just could not do it. That’s not me. I used to be the sort of person who was first to speak up in class, first to sign up for anything and nobody would ever have described me as shy. I didn’t think twice about speaking to other people in my old school whether I was friends with them or not. Now, I’m just scared. Scared of anything and everything to varying degrees. My stomach ache had reappeared at the thought of speaking to those girls and my legs felt too heavy to move. I hate this new me.

After I was raped, I eventually went back to school. I was nervous but I didn’t feel as afraid as I do now. My legs felt like they were a normal weight and I had the ability to move them for a start. When we moved house I was more excited than anything, but as the time got closer to starting school I seemed to get more and more afraid. My biggest fear is that people will find out about what happened to me. I didn’t really think anything of it in my last school as everything happened so quickly. I guess nothing bad happened as a result of people knowing, but now
that it’s completely my choice I want to keep it a secret. What would people think of me if they knew? At least my old friends already knew the real me before it happened. People here would surely only see me as a victim. That’s the last thing I want as being ignored has got to be better than being pitied.

I couldn’t wait to hear that final bell and once again I was home in record time. When I stepped inside the front door, I was greeted with an envelope with some familiar handwriting on it.

I cried. I’d been thinking about them ever since I’d overheard that lunchtime conversation and whilst I thought I didn’t miss them…I really did. I miss how it used to be though. I miss the way it was before I was raped. I miss how easy it was just to be together, talking about anything and everything. We used to talk non-stop and I can’t remember what we talked about! I didn’t seem to matter.

More than anything, I miss how I used to be. I used to be someone that people wanted to be around.

At least Reggie enjoys my company! He was thrilled to see me when I came home. Knowing that I have to get myself motivated to take him out for a walk after a bad day really keeps me going. As I’m writing this he is lying across my homework and I’m not feeling motivated to move him. I’m not sure that I can use that as an excuse for not doing it though. He does make me laugh! When I’m with him it’s impossible to feel sorry for myself. It’s also impossible to get anything done!

Got to love the weekends! It is just so nice to have time at home again. The summer holiday already feels like a lifetime ago. Mum and I went out for a pub lunch yesterday and it was such a nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I didn’t say this to Mum but it was just so nice to have someone to talk to! Mum commented that it had been weird not hearing our phones go off all the time. When we were in our old house it was non-stop beeping. Since we moved the beeping has got progressively less! Mum said that she hadn’t really heard from her friends either. Her best friend, Jane, was always there for her and the morning beep from her daily text message was still a constant feature in our days. They were always in contact. Jane was in contact with me too, which was nice, but I do wish I had my own ‘Jane’! Mum and Jane grew up together and according to my grandparents were inseparable. Then, Jane went off to Uni and Mum stayed at home, but they never lost their friendship. I never really had one best friend. There was a group of us who spent lots of time together but I also floated amongst other friendship groups! I was part of the sports teams and enjoyed singing so also had friends in that group. My main group of friends were great but there wasn’t one person I would say was my best friend. Not like Mum and Jane.