Rain May and Captain Daniel (7 page)

‘It's no use,' he said when I asked why he didn't, ‘it's just no use, Rain. You don't understand. You're new here.' And he got this really stubborn look which meant the conversation was closed, just like that.

Still, it was hard for me. Becky and I were good friends at Scouts and she started to talk to me at school. We liked some of the same things. She was reading some of the same books I was reading, books Daniel claimed were too girly. We both liked basketball. We liked the same music and we both liked to dress up and dance as though we were pop stars, but not so serious.

‘Isn't there anyone you used to play with before I came to the school?' I asked Daniel one lunchtime. The girls were playing basketball and I was itching to join them.

‘No,' Daniel said, ‘but that doesn't mean you have to sit with me if you don't want to. I can read.'

‘No, it's fine.' I said.

I watched Tina miss three easy baskets in a row. I could practically feel the ball between my hands and the easy lift of it through the air.

‘How are you going, D1 and D2?' Tom, Becky's twin, asked as he went past. It didn't sound unfriendly.

‘Pretty good,' I said.

Daniel ignored him.

‘How's it going, Dan my man?' Tom asked, standing right in front of Daniel.

‘I'm Daniel,' Daniel said, ‘and I'm not your man under any circumstances.'

And he stalked off.

‘I was only saying hello,' Tom said. ‘What's got into your boyfriend?'

‘He's not my boyfriend,' I said. ‘But I suppose it's hard to tell when someone's being friendly when they've called you names, taken your hat and generally made your life a misery.'

‘Come on, we're just kidding. Anyway, why is he so full of himself? Everyone's got a nickname. You don't mind.'

‘I don't
like
it,' I said.

‘He doesn't want friends,' Tom said, ‘otherwise he'd make more of an effort. He's a snob.'

‘He's not, that's not true at all.'

‘Oh yeah? Well, how come I can't understand half of what he says?'

‘He's different,' I said. ‘Look, he doesn't mean to talk so you can't understand him. He just uses big words. He reads all the time. It rubs off on him.'

‘And if you do something he wants to do — like play chess — it's not like a normal game. He tells you all this stuff.'

‘Just like you do when you're playing soccer or something. There's no difference. You tell kids what they should have done, don't you?'

‘That's called coaching.'

‘Well, Daniel's coaching you at chess. I don't see the difference.'

‘I just don't get why you hang out with him. You're pretty cool, Rain, for a city girl.'

‘See — there you go again. Always picking on differences.'

‘Hey, I just said you were cool.'

‘Well, anyway, Daniel's my friend. And he's cool, too.'

‘If you say so,' Tom said. ‘So you'll be going to the disco with him?'

Fourth-term disco was the highlight of the school year. There were door prizes, best-costume prizes, a smoke machine and a limbo dance.

‘I'm not sure I'm going,' I said. ‘It could be my dad's weekend.'

‘That's right, you're parents are divorced, aren't they? Our cousin from America is coming over here while her parents fight it out. She'll be at the disco.'

‘My parents are separated,' I said, ‘not really divorced.'

‘Right,' Tom said. ‘Well, hope they never get divorced. From what Madison says in her emails it's really ugly.'

I found Daniel over near the old play equipment. He looked all pale and blotchy, but when I asked he just said he wasn't feeling well, and halfway through individual project time he stood up and said in a shaky voice that he felt sick.

And I didn't see him for the rest of the week.

‘Gastro,' Diana said, when I rang to find out how he was.

And then the next day she said something about a virus.

I played basketball every lunchtime, and every snack time I talked about the disco with the girls. But even though I loved the magic feeling when the ball sails perfectly through the hoop or when you bounce it away from the other team, and even though I wanted to go to the disco more than anything else in the world, I still missed Daniel. It was as though there was a piece of the school day that was missing and nothing felt quite right.

Rain's Basketball Poem

fly from my hand
like magic
a breeze
and sail
up & over
bounce down
hard
such splen did
joy.

Maggie's Yoga Poem

breath
in
out
belly soft
learn slow
I am only
me
peace.
Then go & eat
cake
more delicious than ever!

The Captain's Log, Stardate 271001

Sick of being sick. Gastro, the Counsellor said. Dry crackers and lemonade prescribed. Then I felt fine and so she let me eat. Then I threw up — but I didn't feel sick, not like gastro. I just felt — I don't know — tired.

Too tired to do much at all. Don't even want to be writing this but I know I should.

Too tired to play chess so the Doctor and I play backgammon instead. I'm current world champion but I don't really care. It's mainly luck.

Diana measured me yesterday and I've really grown since last time.

She looked worried.

‘I'm supposed to grow,' I said but she ignored me.

Interesting fact: Rain has called every night.

Interesting fact number two: my ankles seem bigger. Do your ankles grow thicker? That's pretty strange. But they do, they seem bigger. Not that I pay much attention to my ankles. It was just that there was a scab I had to pick.

Hearts and Hurts

Every morning I waited for Daniel to arrive at the front door to pick me up on his way to school. And every morning, Diana came out and shook her head.

‘Not really well yet,' she'd call out to me, ‘but getting better. If you could pick up any work he's missing, I'd be grateful, Rain.'

Daniel wasn't missing any work. He was so far ahead of the rest of us it was a laugh. What he was missing was all the talk of the disco and of Tom and Becky's American cousin who had arrived but was still suffering from jet lag.

‘She's got so many clothes,' Becky told us. ‘And they're so, I don't know — American.'

‘What do you mean, American?'

‘Well, like she's got this t-shirt with the American flag on it. And the jeans, they don't look like our jeans. They're American jeans. And the way she talks, too — she really drawls. And everything's like wow and cute. And if they're not, they're like so yesterday. And she has these opinions about everything.'

‘What do you mean? Everyone has opinions.'

‘It's like she knows exactly what she wants. And likes. And doesn't like. She's really definite about it. Like someone's mother.'

‘She's pretty cool,' Tom said, sauntering up bouncing a basketball. ‘She's got like these really American teeth, each one perfect. She wants to meet you, Rain, because you have something in common — with your folks, you know, being separated and everything.'

‘Can't wait,' I muttered and walked away, wishing Daniel was there.

I did miss Daniel at school — and I didn't. I mean I did, mostly all the time, but I also liked talking to Becky, playing basketball, just fooling around with the other kids. They still called me D2, but it was in a friendly way. If Daniel had been there and part of it, it would have been great. But it wouldn't have been so great if he'd been there but sulking or miserable.

And I knew the disco would be the same. Even though Daniel had said he was going, I couldn't imagine him going and having fun. I couldn't see Daniel dancing. I couldn't even imagine what he'd wear. And half of me, the mean, nasty half of me, didn't want him to go because I didn't want to have to sit in a corner with him, watching. I wanted to be out there, dancing my socks off and having fun.

It was a problem, all right. It was bigger than me, for sure. I'd have to consult Maggie, but when I got home she started talking before I was even properly in the front door.

‘Diana's taken Daniel down to the Royal Children's,' she said. ‘I think you should know that he's got cardiac problems, heart problems.'

‘What?' I dumped my bag on the floor. ‘What are you talking about?'

‘Daniel's sick. He's going to need an operation.'

‘What heart problems? Like Gran had? Is he going to die?'

‘No, sweetheart. Not like Gran. There are problems you can be born with when your heart doesn't function properly. Daniel's heart is like that.'

‘He never told me.'

‘No. He probably didn't want you to feel sorry for him. Or maybe he was embarrassed.'

‘Is he going to die?'

‘No, no, of course not. Diana said he's under the best care. They've known this would happen eventually.'

‘Poor Daniel,' I said. ‘Oh Mum, that's awful. He should have told me. I was kind of mean to him today.'

‘How could you have been, he wasn't even at school.'

‘Well, I thought mean thoughts, about the school disco. Oh Mum, I shouldn't have. I wished he'd stay away until it was over. It's all my fault.'

‘Rain, don't be so melodramatic. I've just told you, they've all known that this surgery would be necessary one day. It was a case of when, that's all. Daniel's latest growth spurt has put some extra strain on his heart. They're going to correct that. It's got nothing to do with you.'

Maggie was good to cry on. She smelled of bread and incense.

‘Rain,' Maggie said gently, ‘it's okay. It'll be okay. And you are a good friend. Do stop crying now. There's a girl.'

‘Is that why Diana's so over-protective?' I asked at last, all cried out. ‘And do you think that's why Daniel doesn't run around much?'

‘Yes, yes, I think so.'

‘Mum, did you know?'

‘Well, yes, Rain, yes I did.'

‘Did Diana tell you?'

‘No. Daniel told me.'

‘Daniel told
you.
He told you and not me?'

‘When you were away that first weekend.'

I didn't get it. Why would your best friend tell your mother something that they couldn't tell you?

‘He didn't know you very well then,' Maggie said, putting her arm around me. ‘He didn't know you at all, really. You weren't friends then like you are now.'

‘Well, he could have told me now,' I said, ‘and it would have made sense.'

‘That's not what is important now,' Maggie said. ‘What's important is that we help Daniel and his family.'

‘I don't know what to do.'

‘Well, it sounds like he might be in hospital for some time. Could you ask Dad to take you in for a visit next weekend?'

‘Would that be all right? To visit him?'

‘We'll check with Diana, but hospitals usually welcome visitors. Anything that cheers the patients up.'

‘I have to go and see a friend in hospital,' I told Dad, ‘this weekend. In the Royal Children's Hospital. Daniel — you know, the boy next door?'

‘He's in hospital?'

‘Heart stuff. He was born with it.'

‘Well, we'll ring up the hospital and find out the visiting hours, but I can't guarantee to be able to take you myself. This weekend there's work stuff happening. Now, don't you start, Rain. I've had Julia on my back about it all week. I'm sure she'll take you in, if it's not possible for me.'

‘I've work stuff, too,' Julia said. ‘I told them I'd be available all weekend. Honestly Brian, you're not the only one working here.'

‘Well, you'd only be in at the Royal Children's,' Dad said. ‘Wouldn't that be nearly as available as here at the flat?'

‘Hardly. I can't access work from the hospital.'

‘But if they rang, we could just leave, couldn't we?' I asked.

‘I suppose so. It's not terribly convenient.'

In the end she took me in to the hospital, but we left much later than we were supposed to because her work did need her and she was on the computer for ages trying to sort something out. So when we finally got in, the visiting hours were over. The nurse was sorry but all she could do, she said, was let me write a note which she absolutely promised to give Daniel.

I didn't say anything, but when we got back to the flat I packed my bag and waited for Dad to come home. I knew it wasn't all Julia's fault. I knew it wasn't all Dad's fault. But I was sick of them both.

‘I want to go home,' I told him when he walked in, ‘and I want to go now. Neither of you really want me here. And I don't want to be here.'

‘What's wrong, what's happened?'

‘We got to the hospital after visiting hours,' I said, ‘and I hate her and I hate you, too. I'm going home to Maggie.'

‘You can't do that, Rain. I'm sure Julia didn't mean to be late.'

‘Just like you didn't mean to work. But you always do. I'm only here every other weekend but you still have to work. Mum would never do that. Mum cares about people. You and Julia just care about things. And work.' I was nearly crying but I kept my voice cold and hard.

‘Rain, you don't understand, you're just a kid. Adult things are complicated.'

‘Daniel's just a kid, too. And he's my friend and he might not even know why I haven't come to see him.'

‘I'm sorry.'

‘I just want to go home to Maggie.' I could feel my voice rising into a shriek and I didn't care. I could feel anger and sadness bubbling through me like gas in a bottle. ‘You don't care about me. You don't care about anyone. You and Julia are a good match. I hate you both and I want to go home.' I was shouting now, so all the trendy neighbours in Julia's trendy apartment block would hear me. ‘You're a selfish, selfish pig and you don't deserve Mum and me.' I took a deep breath. ‘I want to go home and I'm going to scream until you take me.'

‘I think you'd better take her home straightaway,' Julia said. ‘She's hysterical.'

‘I hate you,' I screamed. ‘I hate you.'

‘I think you'd better take her home now, Brian, and we'd all better have some breathing space. Brian?'

All I said to Dad on the whole drive home was that I would never forgive him, ever, for as long as I lived.

Maggie met us at the door, hugged me and told me to go to my room. She and Dad had to talk, she said. This was the first time Dad had seen our dream home, but I didn't care. I didn't want to live with him ever again. I put a CD in my player and lay down on my bed with my hot eyes closed and let the music beat through my body until I stopped thinking about anything but the rhythm of the music. When I woke up, the music had stopped, Dad had gone home and Mum was in her dressing gown drinking a mug of Sleepy Time tea.

‘You were asleep,' she said. ‘Dad said goodbye, but you were asleep.'

‘I hate him,' I said, ‘and I hate Julia.'

‘I think your father needs to reorganise his priorities,' Maggie agreed, ‘but he loves you, Rain, and he really did think Julia would be able to take you to see Daniel. It's just unfortunate the way it turned out.'

‘I'm glad he left us for that … that bimbo,' I said. ‘I'm glad we don't live with him anymore.'

Maggie sighed and drew me close to her. She smelled of sandalwood incense and the little tendrils of her hair were damp from the bath. ‘It's an adjustment period,' she said, stroking my forehead. ‘In a way, it's sort of good that it happened. I think Dad's realised that he has to fit into your life, too. It's not just a matter of you fitting into his. That's a hard lesson, sweetie. Give him a chance.'

‘I'm not going back,' I said. ‘I'm never staying there again. I'm never seeing them again. Ever.'

‘You're seeing them tomorrow,' Maggie said. ‘Your father is driving back, all this way, to pick you up and you are all going to visit Daniel tomorrow. And you are going to be on your best behaviour, Rain, because you said some hurtful things to both of them.'

‘They were all true,' I said.

‘The truth can be hurtful, sweetheart. More hurtful, often, than when someone tells you lies. Because you know it's true. I think you've shaken them both a bit. But Rain, you must also be big enough to forgive them and give them a second chance. That's the real test, isn't it?'

‘I don't know what you mean.'

‘The real test of how brave and loving you can be is when you allow someone to make a mistake and you keep loving them, despite that mistake. Now, I'm not going to ask you to apologise for anything you said. But I am going to ask you to be the best person you can be.'

‘Why? He left us, Mum. He didn't care enough about us to stay. Why should I be the best person for him?'

‘Sweetie, marriages are messy things. Who knows when something starts to go wrong? No one person is to blame. Under different circumstances it could have been someone new coming into my life, not Dad's. I could have been the one who left.'

‘You wouldn't have left without me.'

‘Of course not, but I might have made you live with the someone I'd met.'

I thought about this. I tried to see Maggie with a mysterious Mr X by her side. I tried to imagine them in Julia's spa bath together. I tried to imagine them kissing, the way I had seen Dad and Julia kissing. It didn't work. I could only see Dad's shadow by her side.

‘Do you think you could still meet someone?'

‘I'm not completely over the hill yet.' Maggie laughed. ‘And I've still got all my hair. You never know.'

‘It's not that I think you're over the hill,' I said. ‘It's just that you seem, I don't know, somehow complete, just by yourself.'

‘Oh Rain.' Maggie hugged me. ‘That's just about the best thing you could have said to me!'

I didn't understand why she seemed to be nearly crying, but I decided that Dad and she were right — adults are complicated messy people with complicated messy lives. Then and there I vowed I'd never be like that. My life would be organised. It would be more like Diana's, colour-coordinated, neatly folded and prepared for any emergency.

Poem

I miss the star boy

worry

for him

and his broken heart.

Daughter

life is hard
cloud girl
& sacred
devour it ferociously
the green & the blue
the kiss & the salt
trust good angels
to surround you two
always
& god to bring every child
home

The Captain's Log, Supplemental, Stardate 301001

Sick bay.

Turns out my ankles were getting bigger. They were getting bigger because they were swelling because my heart wasn't working properly. Water retention. Proper name: oedema. A sign of cardiac failure.

Now I'm on medication but they're still going to operate even though my ankles are normal again.

The Counsellor has been here every day from breakfast time, practically, until lights out. The Doctor made her go home early tonight. He said she'd break down if she didn't have one good night's sleep. I'm lonely. I was talking to Phil, one of the nurses, but a new kid just came in, so it's all systems go.

The hospital doesn't sleep, ever. Last night a police helicopter landed — must have picked someone up from a country hospital. We all went to the window and watched them land it, guys with long laser torches. At night the lights go down, but kids whimper and moan, and nurses come around and check you. I woke up the other morning at six and this little toddler was being prepped for an operation.