Questing Sucks (Book 1) (7 page)

“How did you come to get this, Nero? I do not remember signing such an order. Don’t tell me. You snuck into my home last night, and moved my hand while I was sleeping.”

Nero laughed and danced, spinning around and cheering. “Yep! Hey, sis, what are you doing?”

Cah’lia grabbed the document from Nero’s fingers and looked at it in disbelief.

“Wow, I know I say this every time I’m near you, Sehn, but this time I
really
don’t believe this. It looks like an official document of the highest order, like something off the desk of our High-Chief himself. It even has a ‘Sehn Stamp.’ When did you find the time to make something like this?”

“Well, Cah’lia, I made hundreds, actually. When I conquer the world, I will need to be able to sign orders, yes? I was able to construct quite a few of these, and it only took me a total of seven thousand hours and eight thousand Elvens.”

Cah’lia shook her head. “Sehn, did anyone ever tell you that you waste an incredible amount of time and money doing nothing useful? I don’t even want to know where you found seven-thousand hours of free time to construct something this foolish. I can’t even tell the difference between this document and one representing the High-Chief. It’s no wonder you only live in a second-tier home so far from Central Elvar.”

Sehn spat on the ground. He was not willing to dignify her with a response. Foolish woman. When Sehn finally conquered the world, the ‘Sehn-Seal’ would be a sacred document. It was well worth the small fortune in materials to create.

After a painful ten seconds in thought, Sehn muttered, “Whatever, I suppose you two may tag along, provided you obey all of my instructions without hesitation. Oh, and I knew you were coming along, Nero. I sensed your presence the moment we left. I just wanted to make sure you were worthy, which is why I allowed you that night to sneak into my home and force my hand to sign the Sehn-Seal.”

Nero nodded. “I knew it, I knew it, Sehn! Oh, boy, I can’t wait to go. We’re going on an adventure,
woo-hoo
!”

Sehn grumbled to himself. This trip was going to seem even longer now.

As the day dragged on, at the very least the two were indeed useful. Cah’lia and Nero made the chores easier and had no problems keeping up due to the two spare remounts that Patrick had ordered. Nero looked silly, being such a tiny little Elf on such a large horse.

The landscape didn’t change much at all during the first day, and Sehn recalled that it would be consistent all the way to Koringrath. Butterflies and other small winged creatures flew low to the ground, just above the grass, and landing on the occasional flower. There were several small ponds on the way to Koringrath, which they stopped at periodically to replenish empty water skins.

The road widened as they passed the middle of the day. Nero and Cah’lia rode behind Sehn and the three Humans, chatting excitedly to each other. Sehn didn’t understand why they were so upbeat; this whole journey was a long, boring waste of time.

“Halt!”

It was Rillith’s voice. The tall, dark, and muscular Human dismounted his horse. Sehn and Patrick stopped behind him, causing in turn Nero and Cah’lia to halt their mounts, followed by the wagon being led by Daniel.

“Why have we stopped?” Sehn demanded. “Do you wish to make this journey longer than it’s already going to take?”

Rillith gave Sehn an irritated look. Sehn stored it in his mind so that he remembered to punish Rillith for it later.

 
Rillith swung his horse around and rode up to meet Sehn face to face. He pointed to just behind him and up ahead of the grassy road. Sehn studied the landscape, confused. He could see nothing out of the ordinary.

“Have you gone mad, Rillith? What is it you’re pointing at?”

Patrick and Daniel dismounted as well and squinted their eyes. They nodded in agreement, wary of whatever danger Rillith had stopped them for. Of the three, Rillith was known for his keen eyesight and his ability to detect traps and other hidden objects.

“Sehn,” Patrick said. “Look closely, do you not see the Swing-Plant?”

Sehn dismounted and walked carefully in front of Rillith, until he too was able to make out what was causing such a stir. It was a tiny green bulb, a flower no bigger than a blade of grass. With a brown and orange stem, its round top resembled that of a mushroom.

Sehn nearly fell to the floor with laughter. “Haha! You Human, coward-fools. Do you mean to tell me you halted the Great Sehn’s journey because you feared a vegetable? Out of my way, dimwits, I shall pluck whatever this thing is from the ground and feed it to you.”

Panic shot across the group of them, even Nero and Cah’lia. Patrick held out a hand in warning, while Daniel, Rillith, and Cah’lia stumbled over themselves trying to go after him.

“Wait, Sehn!” Nero shouted. “That’s a Swing-Plant. Didn’t you learn about them when you were my age? You mustn’t go near it.”

Sehn turned to Nero, and put on his most confident look. “Nero, the Great Sehn does not ‘learn’, he destroys. You’re all a bunch of idiots for being afraid of this tiny little plant. It is barely big enough to reach the top of my toe.”

Sehn walked up to the plant and spat on it, then delivered a swift kick to the tiny piece of greenery. What happened next felt like a lifetime to Sehn, but the entire incident was in fact only around thirteen seconds.

In one lightning-quick motion, the plant sprang up out of the ground, growing several hundred times its length. It struck out at Sehn, wrapping itself around both of his feet. Sehn cried out in shock as the plant lifted him off the ground, leaving him hanging upside down. The plant “swung” Sehn, causing him to fly sideways through the air and crash headfirst onto the grassy surface while unrelentingly holding its grip on his feet.

It picked him up yet again, dangling him upside down, and then swung him back in the other direction towards his companions, and again crashing him face first against the ground.

“WHAT!”
Again the plant swung him, crashing him down in the opposite direction.

“THE!”

Sehn was continuously launched back and forth, grunting as the wind was knocked out of him as he landed roughly on the ground.

“FUCKING FUCK.”

Crash!

“IS HAPPENING.”

Crash!

“
TO ME.
”

Sehn vomited in midair, throwing up the contents of his earlier midday meal. In a rage so terrible that it almost burned a hole in Sehn’s mind, he began to chant a spell.

Patrick looked at Sehn’s flailing body and screamed for all he was worth. “Sehn, no! Don’t use your magic!”

Sehn didn’t care. He chanted anyway.

“
Remmos Salas!”

Due to the downward motion, Sehn’s aim was completely off. The fireball whizzed right past the giant plant and slammed into the helpless Daniel, setting his green tunic on fire and causing him to run in circles, screaming, “I’m on fire! I’m on fire! It burns! Put it out for God’s sake! I’m dying!”

Patrick and Rillith flew after him and tackled him to the ground, covering him with blankets while Sehn continued to be smashed back and forth into the ground. His ears started to ring and his vision fade.

Nero remained motionless, but Cah’lia was already springing to action with her dagger unsheathed. She waited for Sehn to be smashed into the ground, and then, while he was being flung in the other direction, she dashed into the open space and severed the stem of the plant, splitting it in two. Sehn was dropped to the ground, groaning, while Patrick and Rillith assisted Daniel to his feet, smoke rising in dark plumes from his body.

 

 

Sehn cleared his throat before addressing the group, who were huddled with him around a campfire.

“Listen up you lot, the Great Sehn has implemented a new law taking effect immediately. From this point forward, all Swing-Plants are to be avoided in the interest of saving time. I merely wished to test its strength, and I must say, I was quite disappointed.”

Patrick and Rillith were forced to hold Daniel back from charging at Sehn. His eyes were filled with rage, and he cursed Sehn’s godly name, a sin which would not be overlooked.

Sehn was bruised from head to toe, but he was not seriously injured. Neither was Daniel. Luckily, Cah’lia had brought burn ointments and extra bandages. They were camped on the smooth grass, a strong fire erected around them as they ate their evening meal. The sunset over the Harrow-Plains was among the most beautiful Sehn had ever seen, clearing the way for the stars as darkness approached.

Daniel gave up struggling, probably realizing he wouldn’t break free of Rillith’s powerful grip.

“So help me Gods, I’m going to get you back good this time, Sehn. I’ll make those Scratcher-Bugs seem like a relaxing massage.”

Sehn laughed at the puny Human. “Hah! You should be thanking me, fool. It is a gift to be fireballed by the Great Sehn. None of you should have intervened. I was merely enjoying the free ride that nature has to offer.”

Nero laughed. “I knew it! I wanna go next.”

Cah’lia put a hand over his mouth and shushed him.

It was the first day in their long quest, and while Sehn felt it could have gone smoother, things weren’t so bad. They all laughed as Nero danced and sang around the fire and awaited the dawn of a new day.

 

Chapter 7: Hanging From Ropes

 

The five boys were still sleeping. Cah’lia knew if she wanted some alone time, this would be the opportune moment to grab it. The sun would rise in under an hour, and while Sehn and Nero might be content to smell like pigs, she wasn’t as willing to walk around in filth. She got out of her sleeping pallet and grabbed her travel pack.

Cah’lia had tried to get them to wash up, but the two of them ignored her. She couldn’t even force Nero, because the foolish boy did whatever Sehn did. When she’d told Sehn that he was beginning to smell a little funky, he merely laughed at her and said it was probably the wind pushing her own smell back into her face. He even had the nerve to complain when she decked him, causing a bruise to form on his cheek.

Let Sehn make up whatever rationalization he wants,
Cah’lia thought with a grin
. I got him good
.

She crossed over the shallow grass to the nearest pond. Undressing, she took a moment to examine herself in its murky reflection. She was not a vain Elf, but she could understand why so many Elves—and even Humans—found her appealing.
Except Sehn
, she thought bitterly. He didn’t even seem to notice her.

Bathing in the warm summer water, she tried to understand everything that had happened to make her end up here. There was something wrong about this journey, something she couldn’t grasp.

Suhn, high Chief of Elvar, had refused to assist her when she had begged him to intervene. She told him that Nero would run away and that she was unable to stop him from following along with his son. Rather than protect the little Elf, Suhn had told her that if she wanted to see him safe, she needed to go with him. Suhn was a strict ruler, but he was never cruel. So why would he want her and her brother to go along?

She exited the pond. Drying herself off, she changed into the fresh pair of clothing she’d brought along with her. She looked scandalous in the hide leather-pants and tight white top. The shirt had no back, revealing her smooth, tanned Elven skin. Even Sehn would lose it when he saw her like this. She chuckled as she walked back to camp.

Despite the sun already beginning to rise, all five boys were still snoring. Nero had kicked off his blanket and was lying on his back, his little chest rising and falling. Sehn was tossing and turning, fighting with a dream.

“No, Nero!”
he moaned.
“It’s called the ‘Cave of Castration’ for a reason. Don’t go in there!”

Cah’lia laughed. She wondered if she should tease him about this little dream when he woke up, but thought the better of it. The lengths Sehn would go just to make himself look evil amazed Cah’lia. For the longest time she wondered why, but then she came to realize a simple truth—why was anyone anything? Why was grass green, or why did chickens lay eggs? Sehn was Sehn, and that was all there would ever be to it, even if, on occasion, it did make her want to rip the hair out of her head.

She walked over to his sleeping form. He looked different asleep than he did awake. Without that mask of high-and-mighty he always wore hanging over his face, he was actually one of the most attractive Elves in the city of Elvar. He really did look like his father, with those deep green eyes.

She shook the thought from her head and kicked him in his side. He woke with a grunt. “Cah’lia,” he said. He sounded groggy. “You…you dare to awaken the Great Sehn from his slumber? Just for that, your firstborn…” Sehn trailed off.

I guess he’s too tired to finish the threat
.

Instead, Sehn grumbled and wobbled his way to his feet before setting out to prepare his horse. The other men also seemed to be snapping to it. Rillith got up first of the three Humans and saw to watering the animals and preparing the feeding bags. Patrick helped Daniel up and applied another layer of the anti-burn ointment. He grunted in pain as Patrick rubbed on his back and shot evil glances at Sehn.

Cah’lia leaned over her little brother and gave him a shake. “Come on, Nero, we’re moving out.”

Her little brother didn’t respond. He instead brushed her hand away and turned over, his eyes closed and his face peaceful.

“Nero, come on,” she repeated.

His ears wobbled, but that was his only response.

Cah’lia thought for a moment. “Hey, Nero, guess what; Sehn has just stumbled upon a new Disciple. He’s so pleased that all his torture-sessions have been waived.”

Nero flew up so quickly that he almost bumped his head into Cah’lia's.

“What was that?” He looked around and remembered where he was. “Hmm, thought I heard something. Hey, Cah’lia, are we moving out already?”

She nodded. Nero got up and pranced his way over to his horse, which was clearly too large for him. Before long, everyone was ready to go and they resumed their travels.

The second day began mostly uneventful. It was a tad cooler than the day prior but only slightly so. Large crows soared through the skies, hoping to find recently deceased animals to feast on.

With a ‘
yah
’, Cah’lia kicked her horse and trotted alongside Sehn.

“So, what are you going to do with your share of the money?” she asked him. “Will you buy a new home? Or do you plan on saving it.”

Sehn looked at her as if she had spat on him. “You speak like someone who’s getting a share, Cah’lia. Yet you shall receive none of the money.”

Cah’lia’s ears twitched. She needed that money, and she was working harder than all the men. Whatever this treasure was, Sehn was
not
hoarding it all to himself.

“And why is that, Sehn?” she asked. “Did I not defeat that plant you foolishly activated? Have I not contributed just as much if not more than any of you boys?” Cah’lia tried to remain civil, but when speaking to someone like Sehn, it was close to impossible.

Sehn shook his head. “Silence yourself, Cah’lia. You are a Woman, and thus you are therefore not entitled to the same happiness and respect as a—”

For the second time in two days, Sehn tasted her cold fist. She hit the idiot in the side of the head, knocking him off his horse and sending him rolling around in the stalks of grass.

Sehn leaned up and rubbed his jaw. He looked at her with trepid fury, like someone caught between wanting to provoke her and yet fearful of receiving more pain.

“Damn you, Cah’lia! What was that for?”

“Take a guess!” Cah’lia ordered her horse to speed and left him behind in the dirt, ignoring his foolish shouts and commands. Gods forbid he learned a lesson.

Sehn tried to exact revenge during the whole first half of the day, launching fireballs at her, which she avoided with ease. Several almost hit Daniel, and the result was a few fights that had to be broken up. Cah’lia wondered why men always had to behave like this. If it were just her and a few other reliable women, they’d probably already have the treasure in hand by now.

The scenery changed slightly towards the middle of the day. They entered a stretch of land in the gap between two mountains running along both sides of the plains, leaving them roughly as much room to travel as a child’s playing field. Cah’lia had been to Koringrath before. These mountains would run for another day or two, before once again opening up to another few miles of vast plains. It was then that they would finally arrive in Koringrath.

Cah’lia once again pulled up beside Sehn. He had been refusing to talk to her since the earlier altercation, and Cah’lia was feeling a little guilty.

“What do you want now, Cah’lia? You’re lucky I decided to get comfortable by leaning to my left while you happened to be swinging your fist. Otherwise you’d have been destroyed, and your life forfeit.”

There he goes again with his non-
Sehns
,
she mused. The thought put a smile on her face.

“What are you laughing about? Out with it.”

“Oh, you know, just what I’m going to buy with my share of the money.”

Sehn peeled his lips back in frustration. “We’ve been through this, Cah’lia. You weren’t invited, and so you aren’t getting any. But I am not entirely cruel, either. When this journey has ended, and the Elvens are in my hand, I shall make sure you are rewarded for your honorable service to the Great Sehn. You shall be given a bag of carrots, numbering no more than five, and a ball of yarn.”

Cah’lia had to resist the urge to deck him again. She almost wanted to do it just to see what excuse he’d make up this time. Sehn would rather die than admit defeat to a woman. Cah’lia had made it her goal to make him submit to her at least once by the time they had returned to Elvar.

“Halt!” Rillith called out, causing the party to stop in their tracks.

Here we go again,
Cah’lia thought.
What stupid thing am I going to have to save Sehn from this time?

As if following a script, Sehn leaped from his horse and stormed up to Rillith. “You dare halt the progress of my journey? What foolish thing do you detect this time, Rillith? Is it another harmless plant? Or perhaps it’s a terrifying mouse.”

Daniel sneered at Sehn’s mention of the “harmless plant.”

“Something’s up ahead, Sehn. It doesn’t feel right.”

Just above them was a steep hill, covered on top by small boulders. To pass, they would need to squeeze the horses between them single file. After that, the land leveled out and it was again a straight and smooth journey. Cah’lia traced Rillith’s eyes to a spot just beyond the boulders, where whatever had him spooked resided.

Patrick dismounted. “Well, let’s have a look then, shall we?” He walked side by side with Rillith. Sehn and Daniel traveled behind.

Cah’lia shot Nero a warning look, with eyes that promised pain if he dared follow. She grabbed her dagger and followed the men. Together they climbed the hill on foot and crouched behind one of the large boulders, peering beyond it at the large stretch of grassy plains.

There were several horsemen, all Human-riders, ten in total. They were formed in a circle surrounding some kind of sack being lifted by a rope. It was to Cah’lia’s horror that she realized a young Human woman was held captive inside the sack.

“What the hell is that about?” Sehn asked.

“Bandits,” Rillith growled. “They sometimes patrol this stretch of land, because it’s far from any of the Kingdom’s garrisons.”

Patrick nodded. “They carry their weapons as if they’ve used them often, and I don’t doubt that they have. I recommend laying low until they have their way with the woman and have moved on.”

“What do you mean by that, Patrick?” Sehn asked. “You said, ‘Have their way with the woman.’ What’s that mean?”

Sehn’s ignorance shocked Cah’lia. So, Sehn didn’t know what was going on? Cah’lia wasn’t sure she wanted to see his reaction if he did. There were many aspects of life that Sehn boasted of being informed of, but the reality was entirely opposite. Elvar was a peaceful place, and this would be an odd sight for someone like Sehn, who only left home on rare occasions.