Pretty Amy (35 page)

They never found Lila. She, like all attractive people, seemed to get away with things whether she tried to or not. There is a part of me that still wants to believe she was kidnapped. That she was taken by a wolf in the night, clenched between his jaws, struggling and bleating like a lamb. But that’s only when I’m feeling generous.

Cassie went to rehab for thirty days. She’d made her deal by naming Aaron and some other people as the next ones up the line. I hoped they would have some anger management classes for her, too.

Connor was still happy. Daniel was still attempting to help reluctant patients, and Dick Simon still told horrible jokes. He sent them along with the seemingly never-paid-off invoice he mailed me weekly. The last one had a joke about a guy who had to pay his bills by candlelight because he always kept his electric bill for last.

As a self-imposed penance for breaking into Lollipop Farm, I volunteered to help Annie at night after I finished work at Gas-N-Go. I didn’t mind. I liked being with the dogs and they liked being with me.

During the day, my father, Joe, and I were building AJ an aviary—a big, beautiful wooden structure the size of a sunroom—in our backyard. We would work before my father left for the office in the morning and during his lunch hour, the smell of fresh wood filling our patio.

My mother wasn’t thrilled about having something imperfectly built by our hands in our yard for everyone to see, but I think she was starting to learn that you couldn’t hide behind perfection.

Just like I was starting to learn you couldn’t hide behind failure.

Unfortunately, I am only myself. I am scared and alone and unsure, but I am practicing. I am scared and alone and unsure, but that doesn’t mean I always will be.

Like AJ repeating words, I can repeat being me, until I start to believe it.

Sometimes Joe and I will sit on the swings in my backyard and admire what we are building. It’s just a skeleton of sand-colored wood and silver nails, but I can picture the day it will be ready; the day I will release AJ.

I can see him on that first flight. His little yellow body moving fast and hard like a tennis ball hit back and forth and back and forth. Choosing to land, or fly, or just be, and having the space to do so.

Sitting on the swings like I used to, with Joe next to me, pumping our legs until the chains creak, it’s easy to believe that someday I will feel just like AJ unlocked from his cage.

That the bars I’ve put around me will fall away.

That I will feel like that little girl again, finally and beautifully free.

Acknowledgments

I am thankful to so many people who have supported me on the journey to publication.

To my agent, Susan Finesman, who asks for things on my behalf that I would never have the guts to ask for, and who dealt with my debut-author neuroses with kindness, patience, and humor. Without you, this book would not be.

To my editor, Stacy Cantor Abrams, who saw something in Amy and in me and encouraged me at every step of the way to cultivate it. For loving Amy as much, if not more, than I do. Without you, this book would not be what it is.

To my husband, Tim, who has been with me on this writing roller coaster for a decade and never once told me to stop. Without you, I would not be. I love you.

To my sister, Marcy, who has been a steady cheerleader or a steady shoulder to cry on depending on the day and sometimes even the time of day.

To my parents, who always believed I had talent and never once told me to pick a new major.

To my professors, classmates, and amazing “Blue Spark Ladies” at the Inland Northwest Center for Writers, who taught me what it means to be a writer and who read versions of this book way, way before it was this book, and liked it even then.

Finally, to everyone at Entangled Publishing for making my dream come true.

Lisa Burstein

Pretty Amy

Lisa Burstein

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright Page

Table of Contents

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Eighteen

Nineteen

Twenty

Twenty-one

Twenty-two

Twenty-three

Twenty-four

Twenty-five

Twenty-six

Twenty-seven

Twenty-eight

Twenty-nine

Thirty

Thirty-one

Thirty-two

Thirty-three

Thirty-four

Thirty-five

Thirty-six

Thirty-seven

Acknowledgments