Pretend You're Mine: A Small Town Love Story (37 page)

“We were talking about buying a house. Starting a family.” He swallowed hard on the word. The baby he never got to meet.

“When she died ... the way she died ...”

Harper laid a hand on his arm. Her eyes welled.

“I lost everything that day. My past, my future. My plan.” He cleared his throat hoping to dislodge the lump.

“I didn’t know how I’d get through a day without her, let alone years. So I just focused on getting through the day. Work hard. Keep it locked down. Get through another day.”

“Why don’t you talk about her?” Harper’s pizza sat forgotten in front of her.

He shook his head. “I don’t know how to do that without feeling this incredible hole. I shouldn’t be here. I was the one who was prepared to die. You don’t deploy without making peace with that possibility. I wasn’t prepared to lose my wife.”

He paused. It felt wrong that he was talking about his wife to his girlfriend. He couldn’t reconcile his past and his present.

Harper crawled into his lap, straddling him. She pressed her face into his neck.

“I’m so sorry, Luke.”

His hands slid under her shirt to stroke her back. If he was touching her, if she was in his arms, the darkness wasn’t so dark.

“I’m sorry, baby. I wish I could give you more. You deserve everything, but I just can’t ...”

Harper wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held tight. “I don’t want more. I want this. I want you.”

“Baby. I’m so fucking selfish. You deserve someone who’s going to fall head over heels in love with you. Marry you and spend the rest of his life giving you everything you’ve ever wanted. I can’t love you. I can’t love anyone again. But I want you. I want you so bad that it feels like any moment without you is empty.”

She sighed against his neck. “I love you, Luke. What’s this means for us?”

“If you’re up for it, we take it one day at a time.”

H
arper decided not to let the fact that Luke hadn’t opened up her about the baby bother her. Joni had been a big enough surprise to ambush him with, and that had sparked their first and only conversation about Karen. She considered that a great deal of progress, and there was no need to rush him if he wasn’t ready to tell the entire story.

He was quiet at times, especially around Joni. Harper noticed he kept a distance between them when Joni was around. But she hoped he would be able to move past it.

She started to relax as they worked to establish a new normal. Some of the old routines remained. Luke still ran with Lola in the mornings, and Harper’s pulse rate continued to ratchet up every time she saw Luke in any state of undress ... or dress.

But with a new sense of permanency came new circumstances.

Harper kept her Friday shift at Remo’s, and Luke became a regular. The weekly Garrison diner breakfast continued, now with all family members in the same time zone.

During the days, they worked as a team at the office. And at night, they made love with an urgency that never seemed to lessen.

She had given him the grand tour of the life he was returning to. He admired the drywall work she and Frank had done in the walk-in closet. But the bunk beds in the spare room gave him pause.

“Harper, do we have children ... and fish?”

“Surprise!” she teased. “No, I take the kids overnight every two weeks or so to give Mrs. Agosta a break. I got tired of blowing up air mattresses so I got these from Bob’s. The kids won the damn fish at the Fourth of July carnival, and I kept them here rather than give Mrs. Agosta one more thing to worry about. Ava sleeps in the double bed in the other room. She calls it her big girl bed.”

Luke poked his head into the third bedroom and took in the purple throw pillows and floppy stuffed unicorn.

“You’ve been busy. Any surprises on the third floor?”

There weren’t any on the third floor, but there were some in other areas of life. With the success of Garrison Construction’s first tiny house, his dad insisted on continuing his weekly lunch dates with Harper and Beth. And who could forget the expression on Luke’s face when he showed up on a job site to find Harper dry-walling with Angry Frank.

On any given day, he’d come home to find his mother or Aunt Syl having coffee in the kitchen with Harper.

It was Claire who suggested that Harper and Luke host Thanksgiving to celebrate Luke’s homecoming. Harper threw herself into the planning. She had an entire Pinterest board dedicated to sweet potato side dishes and bought new place settings for twelve.

Luke just smiled and nodded every time she launched into another one-sided debate of the merits of oven roasted Brussels sprouts or dried cranberries in stuffing. It would be her first big family Thanksgiving, and she was determined to make it everything she’d ever dreamed of.

Finally, the day arrived. Harper dragged herself from bed at 4 a.m. and started her prep. She would make this the best Thanksgiving Luke had had in a long time.

***

H
e was lost in a dream. Dressed in his fatigues, Luke was on the bus coming home. Buoyed by the excitement of his men, he was counting the miles to Benevolence. To Karen.

They would share their news with the family today. A new Garrison baby.

And Luke had made a decision. He would be leaving the Guard. His business was growing fast enough that it demanded more of his attention. And he wanted to be the kind of father Charlie had been to him. Present. Involved.

The bus rounded a turn and Luke could see the lot. He could pick out the spot where his family would be waiting.

But someone was missing.

The bus braked hard. The impact was unavoidable. They pitched violently to one side and Luke felt the sickening crunch of grinding metal and shattering glass deep in his bones.

In the seconds that followed the crash, a tainted silence hung in the air. Luke dragged himself through the wreckage, over shards of glass and twisted metal.

There was no movement from inside the bus, just him and his driving desire to get out.

He kicked through a window and crawled out onto the asphalt. Acrid smoke clouded his senses. Still, he was drawn forward. 

Karen’s car — the car they planned to trade in on an SUV for their growing family — was almost unrecognizable. The front end was smashed into the cabin. Smoke rose from the wreck. The windshield was shattered. The deployed airbag was slowly turning scarlet under the blonde head that rested on it.

Wait. That wasn’t right. It should have been Karen’s chestnut waves on the steering wheel. Not the blonde locks of ...

Luke raced to the car. His shaking hands reached through the broken window and touched her. The still form shifted and he saw her face.

Her beautiful face marred by a gash across her forehead.

Harper.

He knew with a sick certainty that he’d never again see the light in those gray eyes.

He heard screams and sirens, but saw only her lifeless face.

Luke woke with his heart racing, breaking. Instinctively, he reached for Harper. He felt raw with the dredges of the dream still clinging to him. He needed Harper’s touch to chase away the dark. But the bed was empty

He pushed into a seated position, pressing his fingers into the phoenix over his aching heart. When did he start needing her touch to steady him?

It was the problem he dreaded from the beginning. He didn’t have room in his heart for anyone. His memories of Karen took up all the space he had.

He shouldn’t be distracting himself from his loss with someone else. How had he stumbled so far down this road?

Luke shoved out of bed and turned the water in the shower to scalding, hoping to melt the ice in his veins.

By the time he made it downstairs, the kitchen was fully involved. Food prep was happening on every flat surface. Lola and Max were happily slurping up a gravy spill near the stove.

Harper, with the light of life in her eyes, breezed passed him and brushed a kiss to his cheek. “Morning, handsome.” She handed him a cup of coffee and turned back to the stovetop. “I know what you’re thinking, but I swear I’ll clean it all up. I just want everything to be perfect.”

“How many people are coming? This looks like enough food to feed a military base.”

“Twelve for lunch and then Mrs. Agosta’s bringing the kids by for dessert.”

He did the math. “Mrs. Moretta, Aldo, Gloria. Who’s number eleven?”

Harper ducked her head over the steaming pot on the stove. “I invited Joni. Her sister and brother-in-law usually host, but this year they’re in North Carolina with their son.”

Of course she invited Joni. The one woman whose presence reminded him of his loss and his role in it. “I don’t suppose you thought to ask me first,” he snapped.

He saw her wince under his words. The timer buzzed and she side-stepped Max to pull two pies out of the oven. She set them on cooling racks on the counter and dropped the hot pads. “I’m sorry. I should have asked you first.”

She looked contrite, but it wasn’t enough.

“This is still my house isn’t it?”

Harper crossed her arms and leaned against the counter. She didn’t fight back and that’s what he wanted. A good fight, but she wouldn’t even give him that.

“I’m sorry. Sometimes I’m not sure when I’m overstepping my bounds.”

“Here’s a hint. When it’s my family and my house or my business, it’s my decision.” The words were sharp enough they could have drawn blood.

Harper narrowed her gaze at him. “Understood. Thanks for clearing that up.”

“I don’t think you want to mess with me right now.” He slammed his mug down on the counter sending coffee sloshing over the rim.

“No, I don’t. I’d rather give you a great holiday with your family in your house.” She turned her back on him and picked up the cutting board of neatly diced potatoes.

“I’m going for a run,” Luke announced, and stormed out.

***

H
e let the pounding of his feet on pavement quiet his brain. It was just a dream, but he couldn’t convince himself that it was meaningless. Harper wasn’t Karen. And that was the problem.

He chose his route at random, pushing himself. He focused on the speed, his breath. Houses with full driveways passed in a blur and gave way to the closed storefronts of Main Street. He turned down a street and then another until the buildings were replaced with trees and headstones.

The cemetery. Of course his subconscious had brought him to Karen. Luke slowed his pace and let the skinny ribbon of asphalt carry him to her.

There was a small, festive pumpkin resting against the black granite of her stone. Probably Joni’s work.

Joni.

Try as he might, he couldn’t keep his past in the past. She was a constant reminder of the life he once had. The life he would never get back. He didn’t understand her blossoming relationship with Harper. Was she trying to replace the daughter she lost?

Didn’t she know that Karen was irreplaceable?

He laid a hand on the stone, warm from the morning sun. “Happy Thanksgiving, Kare.”

***

S
he allowed herself ten minutes between timers to run upstairs to change. The Garrisons kept it casual to the point of pajama pants and elastic waistbands for the holiday. It was a tradition she could get behind. She dragged on yoga pants and a soft, stretchy v-neck sweater the color of cranberries.

If only Luke would come around. She was more worried than she cared to admit. The anger in his tone, in his eyes, scared her and pissed her off. If he wasn’t willing to talk about it, how could she help?

The doorbell rang at the same time the oven timer buzzed. Harper wiped a stray tear from her face with a tea towel. She would not give in to the strong desire she had to kick Luke’s ass today. Maybe tomorrow.

She couldn’t ignore the periodic silences and the gulfs of distance that cropped up between them anymore. Something was wrong and it needed to be addressed. She only hoped it was something fixable. She loved that man so much it shook her to the core. And when he hurt, she hurt.

Harper turned off the timer, squared her shoulders, and welcomed Luke’s family into his home.

They entered
en masse
, Claire, Charlie, James, Ty, Sophie, and Josh. Making themselves at home in the kitchen and living room carting in food, sneaking tastes. Charlie turned the game on the TV while Josh and the dogs took turns chasing each other through the kitchen and dining room.

She told everyone Luke was out for a run to make up for the thirty pounds of food he planned to eat. Everyone seemed to buy it.

When Luke returned, sweaty and exhausted, Harper painted a bright smile on her face and avoided him in the kitchen. She wanted to be supportive, and stabbing him with a meat fork in front of his family would not be supportive.

She was thankful that his greetings to everyone seemed genuine. He hoisted Josh up on his shoulders and gave his mother a peck on the cheek. He hip-checked Sophie on his way to the refrigerator where he grabbed beers for himself and Charlie and James. Ty was on call.

Luke avoided eye contact with her, which was fine with Harper. She breathed a sigh of relief when he headed upstairs to shower again.

Joni arrived at the same time as Gloria, Aldo, and Mrs. Moretta. Thankful for the chaos of a full house, Harper stayed in the kitchen and directed her new team of helpers. Luke mainly stayed in the living room with everyone else.

She couldn’t tell if he was avoiding her or Joni. Or, more likely, both.

She caught him watching her once. Joni handed over her green bean casserole and a handwritten recipe card. “It was my mother’s,” Joni said with a sentimental smile. “I’d like another generation to continue the tradition.

Overcome, Harper hugged her. Her first family recipe during her first family holiday. She saw Claire smiling at them across the island and felt another gaze leveled in her direction. Luke stood in the doorway, a look of shock on his face.

Their eyes met and held. Harper released Joni from the hug and Luke grabbed another beer out of the fridge before hightailing it down the hallway.

No one else seemed to notice the tension. Not even during lunch when Harper chose a seat at the opposite end of the table from Luke.