Premeditated (18 page)

If this lasted much longer, I was going to have to ask Brucey if Dr. Useless would give us a group discount; I’d be needing the couch next to his.

“You’re mad at me,” Dex said. His tone turned my stomach. I couldn’t face him; I could picture the puppy eyes just fine while looking at my feet. Full frontal exposure would have melted me on the spot.

“And here I thought psychic powers only existed in comic books,” I said, gritting my teeth in an attempt at sincere sarcasm.

I sped up, but his legs were long enough to catch me before I got out of range.

“I didn’t mean—”

“To run away and leave Brooks to rot?” My face felt exactly the way it does when my mother accuses me of being inhospitable, so I hoped that was how it looked. “People don’t do that—not to their friends.”

Instead of taking the hint that I didn’t want to speak to him, Dex dug his heels in.

“How long did it take them to let him go?”

“That’s not the point.”

“How long?”

“We left the mall ten minutes later,” I said, and I’ll admit it stung when he flinched on the “we.”

“I told you—Teflon.”

“His dad didn’t do it,
I did
. All Mr. Nonstick did for his son was not believe he was innocent.”

“You gave them our real names?”

Dex stopped walking, so I did the same. “I didn’t have to, but I should have. What you did was practically identity theft.”

The anger was coming back, stoked by an argument that was turning more real than I’d intended. For some reason, the topic shift from Brooks’ involvement to Dex’s was making me mad. It was like he didn’t even understand that what he’d done could have gotten someone innocent into real trouble, or he knew but didn’t care.

“It’s not that big a deal. Brooks understands.”

“Well, I don’t.”

There should have been a brilliant, scathing remark attached to that, but I couldn’t come up with one. Instead, I settled for my best Claire-flounce, flipped my hair in his direction when I turned away, and stalked toward the building alone. Halfway across the lot, I stomped down hard on a rock that nearly punctured the bottom of my shoe and had to limp the rest of the way.

I’d always heard revenge was simple and came with its own built-in clarity so long as you maintained focus, but how was I supposed to do that? I was in pain, and physically ill from the mental stress of keeping all the different versions of myself in their proper places. My neatly ordered world was turning into a muddy Rorschach blot. Everything was a mess, and I couldn’t do anything to clean it up while I was living the lie of Lowry
Dinah. I also couldn’t stop being her without abandoning the whole reason I was at Lowry in the first place.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” Dex made up the space between us in two quick strides. He didn’t even ask me about the limp. “Maybe I shouldn’t have run out like I did, but I can’t afford to have any spots on my record. Not if I’m going to make it into a real school after graduation.”

“There was no reason to lie,” I said, shaking my shoe to dislodge the rock. “And from what I hear, you’re smart enough to get into any school you want.”

“You really think it matters?” I was no longer the angry one in the argument. Dex’s words came out bitter and sharp, as though he were spitting them out so he didn’t have to taste them. “Anything, even a shadow of a doubt, can torpedo a scholarship when you’re competing against a few thousand others for the same four handouts. I can’t risk it—and the girl I met last Friday would have understood why. I don’t have someone waiting to hand me shiny new cars or fancy phones to make up the gap.”

He jerked his head toward my parking space.

“You expect me to apologize for getting a late birthday present from my aunt and uncle?”

Annoyance was no longer an act. This was real, itchy-wool-on-a-sunburn irritation.

“I don’t have aunts or uncles to bail me out like that. Or to make phone calls when I can’t get in somewhere on my own.”

“So I call
you
on
your
being an ass, and that means
I
don’t deserve to be here? I guess you aren’t the guy you were last Friday, either.”

This Dex, who acted like my having family with means was
betrayal incarnate, wasn’t the same Dex I’d met before. This Dex I kind of hated. And if this was the Dex Abigail-not-Abby knew, then it was no wonder she said to avoid him.

He slipped directly into my path, blocking me from the front steps and forcing everyone else who was trying to climb them to split around us. I could hear them whispering, taking quick looks over their shoulders as they passed. Even though I knew this wasn’t my fault, embarrassment made me want to end it, just to stop them. I was beginning to understand how Claire’s fears of humiliation started, and I didn’t even care that much about this place.

No one likes to be stared at; the longer it goes on, the smaller and weaker you feel. You’d rather vanish completely than endure it a second longer.

“No! I didn’t mean that,” Dex faltered. “I didn’t mean … I’m really blowing this, aren’t I?”

The puppy-dog look was less cute, and a lot less effective, the second time. He was no longer “Dex, the guy I find interesting,” but rather an unpleasant intrusion I couldn’t abide.

“Not ‘are blowing.’ ‘Have blown.’ Get out of my way.”

I stepped sideways and into the flow of others headed into the building, but he blocked me again.

“I said move, Dex.”

“I didn’t mean to start a fight or anything. The car threw me. You look—”

“What? Like one of
them
instead of one of
us
? You should really talk to someone about this whole persecution complex you’ve got going. Someone other than me.”

“I’m serious, Dinah!” He grabbed my arm hard enough that I actually yelped, causing my opposite hand to curl into a reflexive
fist. I still don’t know if it was the fist or knowing that he’d hurt me that made him let go. “And I’m trying to apologize. For real.”

“You need to practice your technique.” I rotated my arm, wondering if I’d have bruises under my blazer later in the day.

“I know. I suck at this, but maybe I can make it up to you?”

“Not interested.”

I managed to back him up far enough that it bought me a step.

“Just hear me out. You know the fairgrounds, right?”

“Bleaching my hair had no effect on my mental capacity, thank you very much. I was raised here—yes, I know the fairgrounds.”

More by reputation than experience. We’d only gone once, when I was in fourth grade and I won a set of tickets. Even then it was an all-out fight to get Mom to okay the trip; she swore that going out to a place with so many people was an invitation to be mugged or have our car vandalized. Dad said we’d go without her if she was so scared. When she realized he was serious and that we were leaving, she changed her mind. My prize became four hours of her complaints streaming over everything that would have made the place enjoyable.

“I got a seasonal job there for the run of the carnival, and I thought maybe you’d drop by.”

“And I thought you’d take the hint when I didn’t show up Saturday. Carnivals aren’t high on my to-do list.” I forced him backward, up another step. “Between here and the hospital, I don’t have a lot of time, and what I do have is—”

“Just one night, you have to have that much time, right? Not even the whole night—two hours. One. I’d even—”

“She said no, Dexter.” Jordan-from-homeroom came up the stairs behind me, with Chandi right behind her. Tiny as she was, Jordan’s temper made up for the lack of body mass. When she was close enough, she shoved Dex backward by the shoulder, spinning him just enough that I could squeeze around and get past him. “It’s a small word, it shouldn’t be that difficult for you to understand.”

He scowled.

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“So you aren’t entirely stupid,” Chandi said. “But you
are
hard of hearing. You asked, she answered. That’s the point where you shut your mouth and walk away.”

“Aren’t you more into playing damsel in distress than rescuing one?”

The two of them faced off while the last arrivals of the morning craned their necks to watch. Jordan stood with her arms crossed and her feet planted in the stance of someone used to bracing for a fight, and while Dex didn’t alter his usual laid-back posture, there was a strain on his face I’d never seen there before. Being outnumbered wasn’t his position of choice.

“I think you need a stronger bottle of Nair, Cookie,” he said, leaning in close, as though he’d noticed something on her face. “Looks like you’ve got a bit of a beard coming through.”

The corner of his mouth rose, baiting with a taunt that only made sense to the two of them. Chandi lunged and probably would have tackled him straight to the ground if Jordan and I hadn’t grabbed her.

“Get out of the way, Dexter. You’re blocking traffic,” Jordan ordered.

“Whatever,” Dex scoffed. He caught my eye over his shoulder
and called “Think about it, okay?” Then he disappeared into the crowd and let them jostle him inside.

Chandi growled and tried to break loose; she almost succeeded.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I’m fine,” she spat, reclaiming her arms from me and Jordan. The blond hair that had been so perfect the week before was out of place and stuck to her cheeks, which were bright red to match her eyes.

“He’s not worth it,” Jordan said. “You know that. And you know he’s only trying to get a rise out of you.”

“It’s working,” Chandi said, scrunching her face to fight the tears.

“Then make him stop.”

“I can’t, and
you
know
that
.”

Just like Dex, Chandi darted through the main doors, leaving me with a lot of new questions and no idea how to answer them. I didn’t even get to thank her for stepping in for me.

“How about you?” Jordan asked me. She bent down to pick up the book bag Chandi had dropped on the stairs and slung it over her shoulder next to her own. “You okay? We saw him grab you.”

“I’m fine … thanks. He just caught me off guard.”

“He’s good at that.”

“Is she going to be all right?”

“At some point.” Jordan glanced back to where Chandi had disappeared through the closing doors.

“It’s not really Dex’s fault,” I said. “If I hadn’t been trying to brush him off, he wouldn’t have acted like that.”

“It’s never Dex’s fault. Ask Chandi.”

“Don’t tell me those two—”

“Ancient, and exceptionally short, history.”

That one I definitely did not expect.

“Brooks doesn’t mind dating his best friend’s ex-girlfriend?” Jordan laughed.

“Chandi and Dex didn’t date; it was a very fast crash and burn that he’s still fuming over. And she and Brooks, well, that’s their business, but I wouldn’t call it dating, either.”

The ten-minute warning sounded; I was startled to realize we were the only two students left outside. Jordan started for the doors and I trailed her into the building, trying to process the new information into what I already knew. It wasn’t an easy fit.

“Typical,” she snorted under her breath.

I followed Jordan’s sight line across the entry hall to where Dex and Brooks were talking. Dex threw us a nervous glance as we got closer. I reached them just in time to hear the end of what he was saying: “We’re good, right?”

“Forget it,” Brooks said. “It never happened.”

“Thanks, man. I knew you’d understand.”

Dex slapped him on the shoulder and hurried off before Jordan or I could challenge the no-doubt rosier version of what he’d told Brooks about the parking lot. And the mall.

“Hey,” Brooks said when he noticed us. Because of him, I’d chased off the only guy at Lowry I had wanted to spend time with, and Brooks had the nerve to smile at me.… The morning was not improving. “How’s your arm? Dex is sorry, by the way. He only wanted to get your attention.”

“He wasn’t trying to get her attention,” Jordan said before I could. “She told him to get lost, and he decided to be an idiot
and not do it. He nearly wrenched her shoulder off. Then he sent Chandi running.”

“Not again,” Brooks groaned. “What is it with those two?”

“Ask the waste of free oxygen.”

“Jordan—”

“For once, would you open your eyes and listen to something other than what he spins in your ear? Everything he tells you, he’s the only common denominator. Poor little Dexter, always getting picked on, always being tramped down, always being misunderstood.”

“You know it’s not easy for him.”

“That’s crap, Brooks. You
make
it easy for him. The ones it’s not easy for are the people your pet project decides to make miserable.” Jordan took a breath and looked my way on that. “You’ve known Chandi since you were in primary, and she’s never been the kind of wreck she turned into over the summer. I’m warning you. Put your puppy on a shorter leash or someone’s going to neuter him while you’re not looking.”

“What are you talking about?” Brooks asked.

“Figure it out. Unlike some people, I keep the secrets I’ve been asked to. I have to go find Chandi before your stupid friend gets her written up for ditching class.”

Jordan bumped him as she stalked past, heading down the hall toward the bathrooms—the official sulk site of teen girls everywhere.

“She’s always been a hothead,” Brooks said. The look of confusion that popped up when Jordan started her tirade hadn’t faded. “I wish one of them would just tell me what happened so I could fix it and then this wouldn’t keep happening.”

“Some things you can’t fix.”

Like putting someone in a coma. At that point, all you can do is make amends. If I kept reminding myself of that, then it would be harder for Brooks to breach my defenses.

“You’re okay, aren’t you?” he asked, letting his eyes linger near the top of my arm where Dex had grabbed me, as though he could see through my sleeve. “He didn’t hurt you or anything. I mean, if he did, I don’t think he meant to, but I’ll tell him to lay off if he’s bothering you.”

“It was nothing,” I said. No way did I want Claire’s personal demon acting like he was my guardian angel. Pity was making this hard enough; gratitude would have ruined it completely. “Jordan and Chandi came in on the end and jumped to their own conclusions. I couldn’t get a word in to tell them it wasn’t as bad as they thought.”