Playing Dirty: Windy City Kink, Book 3 (28 page)

Mallory and Joe were going to his parents’ place for a family birthday party. This was apparently a big deal, as she’d learned from Mallory. Things had been strained between Joe and his family for some time because he’d learned that the man who’d raised him wasn’t his biological father. This man had not treated him well, and when Joe found out the truth, it had all made sense to him. He’d connected with his biological father, who lived in California, and they were gradually building a relationship, but Joe’d been angry at his family for many months. Mallory was helping him get past that and heal things, maybe not so much with the man he’d considered his dad all those years, but with his mother and brothers.

Sasha and Jack were at some party one of Jack’s clients was throwing. Emma was on the couch downstairs making out with Kevin.

Apparently Paige needed more friends. Hey. She thought of Beamer. Maybe he was at loose ends tonight too. She pulled his phone number up in her phone and called him.

Beamer was surprised to hear from her, but he wasn’t doing anything and readily agreed to going to a movie. They discussed options and planned to meet at the theatre. After she ended the call, Paige hoped Beamer knew this wasn’t a date—only a “just friends” type of thing.

She clomped noisily down the stairs a few minutes later. Emma and Kevin drew apart and looked at her. Emma’s dark hair was messed, her eyes hazy, the curve of her mouth sweet and happy. “Hey, Paige,” she said. “Going out?”

“Yeah. Beamer and I are going to a movie.”

Both Emma’s and Kevin’s eyes widened. “Beamer?” Kev asked. “Seriously?”

Paige shrugged. “Yeah. Why not? We both had nothing else going on tonight.”

“Ah. Okay.”

“We’re just friends,” she clarified.

“Right.”

She shook her head, slung her purse over her shoulder and headed out.

She and Beamer took in a movie and went out for a drink after to a nearby pub, packed and noisy. Paige climbed onto a stool and slid her jacket off, then waited for Beamer, who’d gone to the bar for drinks. She looked around, taking in the pub décor, lots of dark oak woodwork, amber-colored pendant lamps above the tables and posters on the walls.

Then her stomach did a little flip and heat flashed through her body when her eyes fell on Raff. Oh sweet zombie Jesus. Of all the pubs, in all the towns—or in this town anyway—he had to be there.

He hadn’t seen her from where he sat across the pub at an angle to her. He was with two other guys. They all wore suits. She watched him, avidly taking the opportunity to study him. His dark hair gleamed, his square jaw wore a sexy layer of stubble and his white smile flashed briefly. The smile gave her a little fluttery feeling deep inside, but also a sharp twist of a knife blade in her chest. She sucked on her bottom lip to stop it from trembling.

She missed him.

Fuck.

She folded her arms on the table and dropped her head down to them, trying not to cry. Then she turned her head and opened one eye so she could see Raff, unable to resist the opportunity to look at him.

“You okay?” Beamer spoke as he set two beers down on the small table.

Her head snapped up and she straightened. “Yes! Fine!”

He frowned at her.

She grimaced. “I just spotted Raff over there,” she said with a jerk of her head. “We broke up last weekend.”

Beamer’s eyes followed her gesture. “Ah. Wanna make him jealous?”

“What? No!”

He grinned. “Okay, it was worth a shot.”

She gave him a crooked smile and picked up her beer. “Thanks anyway.”

It was impossible to ignore Raff. She was hyperaware of him, her peripheral vision picking him up. When he laughed, she recognized the sound of it even through all the other talk and laughter in the pub. She felt that knife turning slowly in her chest.

She tried to be a decent companion though, listening to Beamer and responding. They talked about the movie, and about Kevin and Emma getting back together. Paige trod carefully there, unsure if Kevin had confessed his secret to his friends or not. It was funny that Jack knew, yet his best friends Joe and Beamer apparently did not. But she was not going to be the one to tell them. That was Kevin’s decision to make.

“So what happened with you and the rich dude?” Beamer eventually asked, lifting his chin in Raff’s direction.

Paige sighed. “It’s a really long story. I realized he wasn’t who I thought he was. No, that’s not right. I actually realized he was
exactly
who I thought he was.”

“Uh…what? You realized he was who you thought he was and that was bad?”

She tipped her head to one side, eyes on her glass of Guinness. “Right.”

“Then why were you with him if you thought he was bad?”

“Uh…” she frowned. “I didn’t think he was bad.”

“That makes no fucking sense at all. I’m so confused.”

She choked on a laugh. “I mean, I didn’t think he was bad, I was
afraid
he was bad, and then I found out I was right.”

“Ah. Okay. I think I might get that. To be honest, I kinda liked the dude. And for what it’s worth, he seemed like he was totally into you. Like, waaaay into you.”

She couldn’t deny that. She may have had her doubts about Raff, but he’d been pretty clear right from the start that he wanted her.

Again, that thought made her heart flutter and her blood heat. To be wanted by someone that much…she closed her eyes. She’d been sucked in by that, she supposed, weakened by the idea that she could be that desirable to someone.

“Paige.”

She knew that voice, that velvet rasp that stroked over her senses. Her skin immediately tingled as she turned to look up at Raff.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

She was sitting there, looking so fucking gorgeous, her pale hair all shiny, bangs in her eyes, the short cut showing off her delicate bone structure and slender neck. Sitting there with goddamn Beamer. What the fuck? Raff narrowed his eyes as his gaze moved between them.

He caught Paul and Ravi pausing and looking back at him as they’d begun to make their way out of the pub. He held up a finger.

Paige grabbed her glass and wrapped her hands around it. “Hi, Raff.”

Raff looked back at Beamer. “Beamer,” he said, his voice now taking on an edge. He returned to Paige’s face, her eyes so big and pretty with those long eyelashes. “How are you, Paige?”

“I’m, um, good.” She let go of her beer to brush her bangs out of her eyes. He followed her movements, his insides twisting at the sweet familiarity of that gesture. “I, uh, was thinking of calling you.”

His heart lurched, an adrenaline rush scalding his veins. He kept his face neutral. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I…I heard from Sasha about the job she got from you. And from Kevin about the request for proposal.”

He said nothing, just lifted his chin.

She blinked, her eyes sliding away as if she was afraid to meet his. “And Trenise told me about Dutch coming to see Calvin, and about him getting help from Venture.” She paused. “Why are you doing all that stuff?”

He kept his gaze fixed on her. “Does it matter?”

“I-I don’t know. I don’t know what you want—”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” He kept his voice low but knew it came out harsh. He leaned closer to her. “I know you never thought much of me, but get it into your head—I don’t do anything because I expect something in return. How many times do I have to tell you? You don’t owe me fucking
anything
.”

Paige’s eyes widened. Raff looked at Beamer again, pissed beyond belief to see Paige sitting there with another guy so soon after she’d been with him. His hands curled into fists and he forced himself to relax.

Paige opened her mouth to say something, but he didn’t want to hear it. Her low opinion of him sliced open something raw and painful inside him. “Nice to see you both again,” he bit out then strode away.

Fucking goddamn hell.

He’d been miserable all week, in a foul mood that his team had picked up on. He’d tried to get over himself, knowing it wasn’t fair to take out his frustrations on them, but, even so, he knew he’d been a dick most of the week.

The beer he’d just drunk churned in his gut as he met up with Ravi and Paul. They were all taking taxis separate ways and stood on the sidewalk, shooting the shit for a few minutes as they waited. Raff tried to act normal. Finally he climbed into a taxi and gave the driver his address.

He leaned his head back against the seat, streetlights, signage and headlights creating a rhythmic pattern of light and shadows across his face.

Paige.

He wanted her back. So fucking much. A dark twist of pain ripped through him. He turned his head and looked out the window. How was he going to get past this?

Paige was still in bed Saturday morning when her cell phone began to ring over on the dresser where it was plugged in to charge. By the time she’d dragged herself out of bed after a mostly sleepless night, she’d missed the call. She frowned at the unfamiliar number on her screen. Then a ping announced a voice mail waiting. She pulled it up and listened.

“Paige. This is Dutch. I heard you were at the rec center the other day looking for me. Sorry I missed you. And sorry it took this long to get back to you. Jordan doesn’t work every day and he just mentioned last night that you were there. Not sure why you were looking for me, but thought I’d give you a call.” A pause. “I’d really like to talk to you. Give me a call back when you get this.” He’d left his number.

She sat on the edge of her bed and looked at the phone in her hand. Should she call him? It was nice of him to call. Now she wasn’t so sure she wanted to talk to him. On the other hand, she’d gone to the center because she’d wanted to thank him for trying to help Calvin. She still wanted to do that.

So she tapped the screen to dial his number. He picked up right away.

“Hi, Paige.”

“Hi, Dutch.” Her throat closed up. Because she knew he and Raff were so close and she’d treasured the time she’d spent with him and Maria because they were Raff’s family. “You called.”

“Yeah. You came to the center the other day.”

“I did.” She swallowed hard. “I wanted to thank you. My assistant, Trenise, told me that you’d come to see her brother Calvin.”

“Yeah. He’s a good kid. Got in with some bad people.”

“I know. I…I just wanted to say thank you. She had no idea what to do. She was scared and overwhelmed. I know it’s a hard thing, but… I didn’t know what great things you do at Venture.”

“We try.” A pause. “You have to know it was Raff who asked me to go see him.”

“Yes.” Her throat tightened even more. “I figured that. I’m glad Calvin decided to take you up on the offer of coming to the center and getting help.”

“I’m glad too. So is Raff.”

Silence.

“Uh, Paige, Raff told me you broke up with him.”

She closed her eyes. “I guess that’s what you’d call it.”

“Okay, his exact words were, you dumped his ass.”

She coughed on a laugh. “Um. Okay.”

“Honey…” the term made her throat tighten, “…you broke his heart.” He sounded sympathetic, not accusatory, and that made her chest squeeze painfully.

Now she wheezed, “No.”

“Yeah, hon. He’s a wreck.”

“Are you blaming me?”

He was silent. “Not blaming you. But I do think you need to understand him.”

She wanted to protest that she did understand him. But the truth was…she wasn’t sure. “You know,” she began, “he wanted me to be honest with him. He wanted to know everything. But he hasn’t shared everything with me.”

Dutch grunted. “Yeah. Possible.”

“I get why.” She let a meaningful silence fill the pause.

“No, Paige. I mean… How much did he share with you about his past?”

She swallowed. “I know he lost his dad. His mom was too busy to pay much attention to him. He got involved with a gang. He got out.” She paused. “With your help.”

“Okay. Yeah.”

“One thing he didn’t tell me was that he was the one who established Venture. He was the one who built the rec center.”

“He’s the one who provides most of the money that keeps us going.”

Paige paused. “Really?”

“Yep. We get some government funding, and we do fund-raising activities. Raff’s company does a lot of charitable work. And he personally gives a lot of money. Plus his time, talking to kids. They accept the messages much better from someone who’s actually been in their shoes.”

She nodded, looking down at her bare toes.

“I think the things he hasn’t told you are because…well, you might find this hard to believe, but when it comes to his personal life, he doesn’t like to brag. He doesn’t want any recognition for what he does. His whole involvement with Venture is low-key. Challenger Development Group is involved with a lot of charities and he’s way open about that, but as for his own involvement…not so much.”

Her breath left her all at once and she sat there dazed.

“So he said you dumped him because you think he’s violent and sadistic.”

Her throat squeezed. “He said that?”

“Yeah. I told him he shouldn’t give up on you so easy. It’s not like him to give up. On anything. And it seemed like you two had something pretty great. But he said he wasn’t going to fight for you, because you’re right—he
is
violent and sadistic.”

Tears slipped out of the corners of her eyes and her throat ached. “No. He’s not,” she whispered.

After a short pause, Dutch said, “Then why’d you say that?”

“I never said that!” She sniffed. “
He
said that. I just… Well, obviously you know about my ex. I just can’t be with a man like that again.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The incredulity in Dutch’s voice made his tone louder. “You think Raff is like your ex?”

“Um…there are similarities…”

“Lady, you need to give your head a shake.” Dutch paused. “Sorry, Paige, not to be rude, but, man, that’s crazy. Raff wants you to be safe. Away from your asshole ex. He fucking risked
everything
for you. To make sure you were okay. Even if it meant losing you. How the hell can you think he’s anything like your ex-husband?”

She couldn’t answer through the thickness in her throat and the hot wash of shame and guilt.

“Look,” Dutch continued. “You don’t get it, but he needs you. And Raff doesn’t like to need anyone. He’s been on his own most of his life.”

Paige squeezed her eyes closed.

“So he’s not about to admit that to you. Just thought you should know that about him.”

She nodded helplessly, even knowing Dutch couldn’t see her.

“Trust is important to him,” Dutch continued. “It’s something he had to work hard at, learning to trust others. It means everything to him. Guess I can see how you not trusting him to keep you safe would wreck him.”

“I-I—”

“How strong are you, Paige?”

She blinked wet eyelashes. “What do you mean?”

“How strong are you? Are you strong enough to trust him? Strong enough to let him take care of you?”

Her forehead creased at his words. She didn’t understand it. How could letting someone look after you make you strong? She was trying to make it on her own. Be independent. She didn’t need a man to look after her.

“Guess I’ve said enough,” Dutch said quietly. “Hope you’ll think about things.”

“I will,” she choked out. She tossed her phone onto the bed and sat with her hands on her hot, damp cheeks.

She did that. She thought. She thought about what Dutch had said. She thought about what Raff had done. Because actions spoke louder than words, especially when a man like Raff didn’t use a lot of words.

Yes, there were things he hadn’t shared with her. The fact that he gave so much, not just money, but gave of himself to help kids who were like he used to be. How he’d helped Calvin. How he’d done things for her and for Sasha and Kevin. He’d expected nothing in return, and the fact that she’d accused him of that made her insides cold and tight.

She’d hurt him.

She’d also hurt him by thinking he was like Del.

And by not trusting him.

If he’d gone and beaten up Del, that was a terrible thing to do. But if it meant that Del was out of her life forever…was it worth it? Could she accept that? The fact that Del had signed the divorce papers a few days later was not a coincidence.

She couldn’t condone what he’d done. But he’d done it for her. And the honest, painful truth was she was happy. Happy, relieved and free of the burden of Del. Thanks to Raff.

The other painful truth was the fact that he could be brutal and violent with someone else didn’t mean he would ever hurt her. She thought about the times they’d been together, how careful of her he’d been that first time in San Diego, how he didn’t want to scare her. How he’d given her exactly what she wanted. She’d trusted him with her body. She’d given herself to him, made herself physically vulnerable by letting him restrain her, and she’d completely trusted that he would never hurt her more than she wanted. But she’d kept up that barrier—that belief that he was like Del, that he couldn’t be trusted—to protect herself emotionally.

She’d hurt him and she’d lost him because of her unwillingness to trust him. Agony ripped through her with such fierceness she bent over, chest to her knees, hands over her face. Her lungs burned as she tried to breathe, more tears scalding her eyes and cheeks.

She let the pain slice through her, because she deserved it. She deserved to hurt. She let it consume her and burn her, sliding off the bed to crumple on the carpet, curling herself into a ball. She stayed like that for a long time—she didn’t know how long.

When she eventually rolled over and straightened her legs, they were stiff. Her face felt hot and tight, her eyes raw. She pushed up onto her hands to sit, a dull throb at the back of her neck spreading over her head in a relentless, aching pulse.

Bleh. She felt horrible. She bent her knees and rested her cheek on them, hugging her legs.

What was she going to do?

Had she really lost Raff? The one man who’d been there for her, no matter what. The man who’d proven he was different from Del in every way. As Dutch had said, he’d risked a lot for her, to take care of that problem. The police had questioned him about it. If he’d been charged, what would have happened to him? To his business? Maybe he wouldn’t have lost it all over something like that, but, holy shitballs—did he value
her
above all that?

Her heart constricted and her breath stalled. The thought that someone cared that much about her was humbling. And terrifying.

Was she worthy of that? What could she give him in return?

He had money. An expensive car, a luxurious condo, the ability to charter a private jet at a moment’s notice. He had power. Influence. She had nothing.

She lifted her head and set her trembling fingers to her mouth.

All she could give him was her love. She didn’t know if it was enough. She wasn’t sure if she was brave enough or strong enough to try.
How strong are you, Paige?
Dutch’s words played through her head.

She’d thought she was weak to let a man like Raff into her life again. To let him help her. She’d given him such grief for all the things he’d done for her. He’d done those things for her, not to control her, or to keep her in his debt, but because he cared about her. She could see that now.

And she could see now that she was going to have to be strong, stronger than she’d ever been, if she wanted to try to get Raff back. Because the risk was huge. The risk was…her heart.

How much worse could it hurt?

At the very least, she needed to apologize to him.

She leaped to her feet in a burst of adrenaline and intention. She would do this. She would do this
now
, before she lost this surge of intent.