Planet Janet in Orbit (11 page)

Disha stayed over last night. She wasn’t here ten minutes when she decided she’d better text Ethan to tell him where she was. I said I thought her mobe had gone in the loo. She just blew all her savings on a new one, as it’s
IMPOSSIBLE
to be in
Love
and be tied to a landline. She said just think about it. If Romeo and Juliet had had mobes, they would never have killed themselves. I said it was more likely that they’d never’ve got together in the first place because she would’ve been talking all the time. So the girls’ night in was periodically disturbed by him texting her or her texting him. Then, as per usual, he rang her at midnight after his shift. After a few hours of listening to them cooing at each other, I asked her to go to the bathroom to talk to him so I could get some sleep. If you ask me,
Love
may be great for the person who’s in it, but it sucks for her friends.

This was the first time Disha met Buskin’ Bob, of course. She thinks he’s rather good-looking. I said and on what planet would that be, precisely? She said no, really. She thinks he’s nice. I said that
Love
is obviously eating away at her brain (like syphilis)! [Note to self: Can
Love
be considered a sexually transmitted disease?!!] She said I’m just being defensive, which is understandable since I don’t like the idea of some other man replacing my father (which isn’t true – I’d be
DELIGHTED
if Harrison Ford replaced him). Disha said at least Buskin’ Bob cooks and stuff like that. I said just because he knows how to wash up doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his
dark
side. Let’s not forget that his first wife booted him out. Disha said Sigmund’s first wife booted him out too.

I think Ms Staples must’ve noticed that I was a bit unhappy about not having a fixed position on the mag, because she took me aside after English today. She said she’d been thinking of ways to give the magazine more popular appeal and she thought she’d come up with something. (For one wild moment I thought she was going to dump Catriona, but – sadly – that wasn’t it.) She wondered how I’d feel about doing a Personal Advice Column. I said I’d never thought about anything like that because Fiction’s my thing, of course. Ms Staples said that’s what makes me
PERFECT
for the job. She reckons that with my writer’s empathy and my sense of humour I’ll be able to write a column that gives sound advice and is entertaining at the same time. I admitted that I’ve
DEFINITELY
had my share of problems in the last year (and probably someone else’s!), so I do have plenty of experience in
suffering and angst
. On the other hand, even though my father’s a psychoanalyst, I never really listen to him, so I don’t really know the theories, etc. Ms Staples says that isn’t necessary. This is a school magazine not
The Observer
. And she thinks that the people who know all the theories don’t necessarily know what goes on with people any more than the rest of us. I said that’s v true of my father – most of the time he knows even less. Ms Staples says all I need to do is be
SENSIBLE
. Which, of course, I always am. The more I think about it, the more the idea appeals to me. After all, I am
EXTREMELY
qualified for the job because of my family and my almost-broken hearts, etc. – and it should be good practice for my mission to bring the MC and Sigmund back together as well! Also, it isn’t going to be too strenuous (answering a couple of letters), so it won’t interfere with my own
Creative
work. I’m going to call it
HELP
! and my name’s going to be Aunt Know-It-All (which is both funny and serious). Ms Staples said it’s v important that I keep my anonymity, so she and I are the only ones who’ll know who Aunt Know-It-All really is. I can’t even tell Disha! (This would’ve been a problem a few months ago, but since I hardly see her and the only thing she’s interested in is the Wizard, it’s as easy as eating a packet of crisps!) Spent most of tonight writing my request for problems. See what you think of this:

Since I’m not Catriona Hendley, I don’t want to boast, but I do think it’s pretty good. Showed it to the MC (I don’t reckon she counts as telling).
As per usual,
she was as supportive and encouraging as an attack of fighter jets. She said
TALK ABOUT THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND
! Personally I thought that was a bit harsh. After all, even
SHE
has admitted that I’ve matured a lot over the last year (thanks to the Dark Phase and Male Duplicity). Also I
AM
a teenager. If you were a teenager, who would you rather get advice from –
ME
or someone who can’t even remember what it feels like to be
FORTY
?

I got to school early this morning so I could run off my flyers and put them up before classes started. And were all my efforts rewarded? Is there a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? The answer to both those questions is
NO
. When I went to collect my post this afternoon there wasn’t
ONE LETTER
for Aunt Know-It-All!!! As accustomed as I am to the
DISAPPOINTMENTS
of Life, I couldn’t believe it. I really thought I’d have to hire a cab to get them all home! Ms Staples said I have to give my potential readers a chance. Like at least overnight.

The MC was out tonight, as per usual, so I invited Sigmund in for a cup of tea. After we exhausted the topics of the weather, school and his flat, he wanted to know how everything was going. I said oh, fine, just fine – quietly and rather sadly as though I wanted to spare him the really bad news. With the instincts of the professional psychoanalyst, Sigmund immediately asked me what was wrong. I said, “Nothing.” He said, “You can tell me; I’m your father.” I sighed and looked v reluctant. And then I said it was just that the MC and I had been talking about how different the flat is without him. (This is technically true. She was banging on about missing Justin – which, if you ask me, is like missing a migraine – and how the house didn’t feel the same with him gone, and I said
AND SIGMUND TOO
and she more or less nodded.) Sigmund said, “Really?” I said yes. I said the MC seemed
très
sad. He looked a bit misty at that, though he said it was because the tea was too strong.

Still no letters! What’s wrong with the students in this school? Are they all on Prozac? Everybody knows that this is meant to be one of the most
traumatic and stressful
times of a person’s life. You can’t open a paper or magazine without reading some terrifying tale of teenage
suffering and woe
. The pressure … the changes … the insecurities … the fear … the doubt … the raging hormones!!! If you believe the Sunday supplement, at least half of us are thinking of hurling ourselves off the nearest bridge!!! But not at my school. From the
OVERWHELMING LACK OF RESPONSE
I’ve had, you’d think my classmates were all in nursery school with nothing to worry about but lunch. Don’t any of them go home and cry? Don’t any of them lie awake all night in the dark listening to Led Zeppelin? Don’t any of them go home and read the colour supplements? They can’t all have perfect families. They can’t all be happy with their bodies. They can’t all be accepted by their peers. It’s
ABSOLUTELY
impossible that every alcoholic, addicted, abusive and sociopathic parent in the country lives
OUTSIDE OF LONDON
!!! I mean, really, what are the odds? Ms Staples said it’s still too early to panic. She said after all, there’s a lot going on in the world and even teenagers have more to think about than themselves. As proof that I
do
listen to what people say (even Buskin’ Bob!) I pointed out that there’s
always
a lot going on in the world. I said aside from the constant warfare and injustice, etc., between 30,000 and 35,000 children died
every day
of preventable causes related to poverty, but it’s never stopped anyone from worrying about their hair or whether their hips are too big. I said I didn’t really have
A BIT OF TIME
, did I? The first issue comes out in a month!

Was so upset that I confided in Flynn (I don’t reckon telling him counts any more than telling the MC since he’s a boy and therefore limits his verbal communications to only what is necessary). Flynn said not to worry. If the fiction submissions are anything to go by, I’ll be drowning in letters by the end of the week. He said Catriona alone has already submitted
SIX
poems for the first issue of the magazine, most of which must’ve been written on her holiday since there’s a lot about beaches and sunsets over the rice paddies. He wanted to know where
my
poem is. I said I was working on it.

As part of my plan to reconcile the parents I had a little chat with the MC tonight. Got her laughing by reminding her of the time Sigmund set fire to the deckchair when he was doing his annual barbecue. She said only Sigmund could burn a deckchair in the rain. I reckoned I heard an affectionate note in her voice, so I told her Sigmund really missed her and said he was hoping they’d get back together someday. She laughed and said well, you never can tell, can you? Let’s not forget The Restoration!!! I consider that v hopeful!

Catriona reminded me that the deadline for copy for the magazine is in two weeks and she hopes I’m planning to write something. What about my idea about being a waiter? She really thought that could be v
droll
. She said she’s often thought of doing a job like that just to see what it’s like. She said that since she intends to be a journalist she feels that sort of experience would be good to help her identify with The People. I asked what she meant. The People
WHO WORK
? Catriona said my sense of humour is just what the mag needs and that it would be
A CRYING SHAME
if I didn’t have something in the very first issue. I explained that I have a lot on my plate at the moment, and also that I feel there are more important things in the world than a high-school magazine. I asked her if she had any idea how many children die
every day
of poverty-related causes, and she said 33,000, but none of them were from round here.

After school Marcus helped me make my birthday invitations on his computer. I brought along a photo of me when I was
just born
to work into the design. Marcus said he always knew I must’ve been a beautiful baby. I said all babies are beautiful. We put the baby picture at the top and over it we wrote: FROM THIS
…
and under it we wrote: TO THIS … And under that we put a photo Marcus took of me this afternoon. Then at the bottom we wrote: COME CELEBRATE SEVENTEEN YEARS OF PROGRESS AT JANET BANDRY’S COSMIC COSTUME BIRTHDAY BASH. Then Marcus did something with the computer and put stars and moons and comets, etc. all over. I think it’s
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT
! I know my party’s not till the end of October, but I don’t want to do it all at the
LAST MINUTE
(the way the MC always does). If I give out the invitations now, everyone will have plenty of time to respond and I’ll have plenty of time to prepare (and Ethan will have plenty of time to arrange his work schedule!).

Told Sigmund that the MC said she thought there was still a chance they could patch things up. He said really? What about Robert? I said everything passes, everything changes, doesn’t it?

Everybody was
WOWED
by my invites – even the Hendley. Apparently she
LOVES
dressing up (I love her dressing up too – at least I won’t have to look at her face). I told her she should bring her boyfriend. She said what boyfriend would that be? I said I’d heard rumours. She said not about her, I hadn’t, but she gave Lila a
V DIRTY LOOK
!!! (Everybody knows what a
BIG MOUTH
Lila has!!!) Flynn couldn’t believe I made the invitations myself. I said I had a bit of help from Marcus. Flynn said he should’ve known. I said why, because the last time Flynn and I worked together on the computer at school I wiped half the magazine from the hard drive? Flynn said that wasn’t what he meant at all. Then he said if I want, he’ll help me revise for my driving theory test when the time comes. I snapped up the offer. I obviously can’t count on any help from
Disha in Love.

Unlike Catriona Hendley, David really does have amazing organizational skills (possibly due to being the son of a restaurateur) and has arranged for us all to go bowling tonight with Siranee, Sara and Alice! We haven’t seen them since July, so it should be a hoot. Asked Disha if she and Ethan wanted to come since it’s his night off, but she said they already had plans. I said can’t they be changed? What are you doing, dining with the Queen? Disha laughed. I said just remember you and the Wizard of Oz are coming to my party. She said of course they are … unless he has to work. I said he could always come late: I’m expecting it to go on for quite a while!

Sigmund left a present for the MC tonight! It’s a book he borrowed from her when they first met. (Sigmund usually gives the MC things like electric toothbrushes, so I reckon this counts as a
Romantic Gesture
– another
FIRST
!) It’s not the
same
book, of course (
that
fell out of his backpack when he was cycling down Marylebone Road in the rain and got run over by a number 18 bus). He wanted her to know he hadn’t forgotten about it!!! I showed it to her as soon as she came in with Buskin’ Bob. She said it was about time – he borrowed it nearly twenty years ago and she’d never even finished it. But after Buskin’ Bob left, I heard her ring Sigmund to thank him and she was so nice and pleasant that at first I thought she was talking to someone else. They went on for approximately twenty-seven minutes, which is something of a record since he moved out (especially since none of it was shouting and screaming!). I definitely consider this another hopeful sign!!!