Connor Green: ‘I seen this video once of a woman shagging a dog. I think it was an Alsatian. Is shagging a dog a sin in your country?’
Me: ‘Shagging any animal’s a sin, it could be a dog or a chicken or a worm, it doesn’t matter. God will take your eyes for that.’
Connor Green: ‘What about shagging a kid? That’s the worst ever, it’s got to be. What happens if you shag a kid, what will God do to you then?’
Me: ‘Then he’ll kill you in the worst ever way. Like all your skin will fall off and your brain will boil. Your eyes will go pop and your guts will fall out through your bumhole.’
Dean: ‘Nasty!’
The never-normal girl is always scared like a little rabbit because her grandpa sexes her. That’s what Dean said. She lives with her grandpa. He sexes her all day. That’s why she walks funny. That’s why she’s quiet like a rabbit.
Me: ‘Why doesn’t she tell her mamma?’
Dean: ‘Her mum’s dead. It’s just her and her granddad.’
Me: ‘Why doesn’t she tell the police then?’
Dean: ‘If she told them they’d take her granddad away and then she’d have nowhere to live.’
Then I felt sorry for the never-normal girl. I wanted to say she could live with me except then everybody would think I loved her.
Connor Green: ‘There’s some people who just shag a hole in the wall. They make a hole in the wall and put their dick through it. It’s usually in a toilet.’
Asweh, I didn’t even believe it! It felt too crazy. They pretend the hole is a lady. Sometimes there’s a lady on the other side of the wall. When she sees the man’s bulla coming through the hole she kisses it.
Me: ‘So what’s the wall for?’
Connor Green: ‘So they can’t see each other.’
Me: ‘Why, are they ugly?’
Connor Green: ‘Usually.’
Me: ‘Then why even sex them? Why not just sex the wall?’
Dean: ‘Because they don’t want people to think they’re a pervert.’
Poppy would never even show Connor Green her boob. She thinks he’s a spaz. Girls don’t even like you if you’re a spaz, they only like you if you’re sexy. Asweh, Connor Green has never seen a boob, I’ll bet you a million pounds.
People do ease themself on the stairs, you can smell it from a million miles away. You have to be careful not to go in the puddles. If you jump in a normal puddle you’re only a retard but if you jump in a piss puddle it means you’re made of piss.
If you land on a needle and it goes through your foot you’ll get Aids. You have to go extra fast and still be very careful at the same time. It’s a very difficult skill. It could be my next superpower.
I can’t go in the lift anymore. Not ever again. Fag Ash Lil was in there. I didn’t see her until it was too late. The door was already closed. She was behind me the whole time. She stared at me all the way up with her mad watery eyes. She wanted to kill me, you could tell. She thought it was me who kicked the ball at her.
It wasn’t me, it was Jordan. I don’t know why she thought it was me. I wasn’t even shooting. I only wanted to play passing. The lift stopped.
Fag Ash Lil: ‘Bloody hell!’
I thought I was going to die but the lift started again. It was just a false alarm. She only has to scratch me with her claws and I’ll get poison. Then when I’m asleep she’ll cut me up and make me into a pie. I wanted to say sorry but the words wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t even move. It was very hutious. I felt my alligator tooth in my pocket. I prayed for a second chance.
The lift was taking donkey hours. My belly was proper cold. I could feel Fag Ash Lil keep looking at me with her eyes all blue and hungry. If I turned around she’d spit poison in my face and take me away to her den. I don’t even want to die yet. The lift stopped again.
Me: ‘Bloody hell!’
When the doors opened, I swear by God, it was the mightiest relief! Fag Ash Lil got out. I watched for if she turned around but she just carried on walking. Then the doors closed again and I let a woodpecker fart out. I dedicated it to God and all the angels. Adjei, it was too close! From today onward going I can never go in the lift again. I can only use the stairs. The stairs are safe. If I run fast enough the pissy smell can’t even catch me.
When the man who tells you the news on London Tonight makes his face go proper serious, you know you have to listen. You can tell he isn’t lying. When he talks about the dead boy you know he misses him as well. You know he loves him. You just have to listen, it’s your duty. Even Lydia agreed this time. She made me turn the sound up.
Newsman: ‘It’s three months today since he was fatally stabbed outside a fast-food restaurant, yet another victim of the knife-crime epidemic which continues to grip the capital. Police blame a fear of reprisals for the public’s failure to come forward with information. Tonight we ask just what can be done to break the wall of silence, and encourage those with information to speak up. Your thoughts, please, the usual numbers at the bottom of your screen.’
Me: ‘They should give them a prize. Just ask them what they want the most and then buy it for them. Then they’ll talk. Like a new bike or a shitload of fireworks. Or if they had their favourite things already, then they wouldn’t kill anybody because they’d be too happy. They wouldn’t even think of it.’
Lydia: ‘Who’ll buy all the things?’
Me: ‘The Queen. She’s got plenty of money. She doesn’t even need it all, she’s old.’
Lydia: ‘Write to the Queen then. Ask her for a new bike and see what she says.’
Me: ‘I will. I’ll email her. And I’ll ask for a new face for you. Your old one’s too ugly.’
Lydia: ‘Don’t bring yourself. Ask for a new brain for you. Yours is too soft.’
Me: ‘Or a new behind for you. Yours is too fat. It looks like a bungalow.’
Lydia: ‘Your head looks like a toilet.’
Me: ‘Your head is a toilet. That’s why it smells like shit.’
I waited for Lydia’s turn but she was just watching the dead boy’s picture on the TV. Her face was all sad like she knew him. She didn’t know him. I knew him better than her.
Me: ‘You can’t suck him off, he’s dead.’
Lydia: ‘Advise yourself! I wasn’t even thinking that. You’re disgusting!’
He’s even lucky. One kiss from Lydia would give you all the stupid germs in the world. I wonder what Heaven is really like. Is it different for kids than for grown-ups. Like would there still be somebody there telling him to come in from playing football when it got too dark. The dead boy could do the most tricks, he could flick the ball up with his heel and keep it up for donkey hours with both feet. He always aimed his shots for the corners like you’re supposed to and he was even good at heading. He was good at everything. I wonder if there’s dogs like Asbo who steal your ball. That would be funny. I hope in Heaven the animals can all talk, then they can tell you when they’re happy so you don’t have to guess. You can usually tell from the eyes but it only works on bigger animals, not pigeons or flies. Their eyes only look sad.
Newsman: ‘That’s all from us. Goodnight.’
Me: ‘Goodnight!’
I always say it back. I don’t care. When he says it I say it back to him.
Lydia: ‘He’s not even talking to you.’
Me: ‘Yes he is, he’s looking right at me.’
Lydia: ‘But he can’t see you. He doesn’t know you’re there.’
Me: ‘I know that. I’m not stupid.’
Asweh, it always makes Lydia confused! I know he can’t see me. But he’s still talking to me or he wouldn’t say it. It’s the same when you talk to them on the phone, they can’t see you but they’re still talking to you. It’s just fair. He said it to me so I say it back. Manners cost nothing, that’s what Mamma says. It’s Lydia who’s stupid.
Me: ‘Thank you! See you tomorrow!’
I used to chase the birds when I was little but I gave it up. You can never catch them. The only ones you can catch is chickens and they don’t count because they’re too easy. There was a pigeon with only one leg. He was nearly as lovely as mine. He could still walk quite good. He was just hopping along the edge of the green looking for worms.
Me: ‘Did you lose your leg in a pigeon war or did a cat get it? Were you born like that? Don’t worry, you’re safe, I’ll tell you if I see any bad kids. I won’t let them bash you.’
Pigeon: ‘ ’
I know Jesus said I’m worth a hundred sparrows, but I don’t know what he thinks about pigeons. I think we’re both worth the same. Pigeons maybe more, because they can fly and I can’t. I love them with one leg or two.
There’s grass now where the tree used to be. When the tree fell down the men dug it up and filled the hole with dirt. Now there’s grass there. It’s nearly covered already. You can’t even hardly see the dirt anymore. It’s quite amazing. I don’t know where the grass came from so quick, I didn’t see anybody plant it. It just grew there. It feels like magic.
The seeds must have come down in the rain. It’s the only way I can think of.
I sat down on the new grass and listened to the wind in the trees. When the wind blows through the leaves it sounds just like the sea. I love it when the wind sounds like the sea, it’s very relaxing. Inside is too small sometimes, it makes me feel too squeezed up. I just wanted to stay outside with the sea and birds.
If Agnes dies I’ll just swap places with her. She can have my life. I’ll give it to her and I’ll die instead. I wouldn’t mind because I’ve already lived for a long time. Agnes has only lived for one year and some. I hope God lets me. I don’t mind going to Heaven early. If he wants me to swap places, I will. I just hope I can try Haribo Horror Mix first (they’re my favourite of all the Haribo styles. The sweets are all crazy shapes, like bats and spiders and ghosts. Mamma says it’s against God but she just worries too much).
Mamma: ‘Don’t be silly. Agnes isn’t going to die, she only has a fever.’
Me: ‘Moses Agyeman’s sister had a fever. She died.’
Mamma: ‘That’s not the same.’
Lydia: ‘She only died because her mamma went to a juju doctor. Everybody knows it.’
I was still very scared. Anybody can die, even a baby. They die every day. The dead boy never hurt anybody and he got chooked to death. I saw the blood. His blood. If it can happen to him it can happen to anybody. I kept waiting for Agnes to say hello to me but it never came. She could only breathe and it didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t as loud as it should be. It was too fast and far away.
Grandma Ama: ‘She’ll be fine. God is watching over her.’
Me: ‘Where’s Papa?’
Grandma Ama: ‘Working. Do you have a message for him?’
Me: ‘Just tell him when he comes over to bring a blanket for Agnes. The blankets on the plane are too scratchy, they make you go electric.’
Grandma Ama: ‘I’ll tell him. Don’t worry.’
When I put the phone down I could still hear Agnes breathing in my ear. I just wanted it to be louder. I don’t even know why you have to die before you can get into Heaven, there should just be a door you can go through. Then you could come back and visit whenever you want, it would be like a holiday instead of forever. Forever’s too long, it isn’t even fair.
Sharks never sleep. They have to keep swimming or they’ll die so they’re not allowed to sleep at all, not even for one second. I think I read it in my Creatures of the Deep book or it might have just come from my dream. My dream was just black. It was a sea and I fell in. It was Dead, the same one Agnes would go to. All the ectopics and unwanteds were there, I could hear them crying and feel them bumping me when I swam past. I couldn’t take any of them with me, it wasn’t up to me. I just had to keep swimming like a shark. I heard Agnes calling to me:
Agnes:
‘Harri!’
but I wasn’t allowed to stop. She was on her own. All I could do was keep swimming and hope one of the waves I made would reach her and pick her up. That was the only way to save her.
When I woke up my legs were tired from all the kicking. I just hoped I’d swum fast enough and made a big enough wave. They had a long way to go.
Papa taught me to swim in the sea at Kokrobite. It was after we delivered the chairs he made for the hotel by the beach. At first I was scared for if there were sharks but Papa knew how to chase them away if they came too close.
Papa: ‘You just punch them on the nose. Their noses are extra ticklish. It makes them sneeze, then when their eyes are closed you just swim away. You’ll be safe.’
Papa held my belly up, I just had to kick my legs. It was even easy. I loved making waves. It felt like the waves were pulling us together so we wouldn’t get lost. Every time I thought I was going to fly away Papa just turned me around towards him and I was safe again. Asweh, the sea is even bigger than you can fit in your head. When I looked to the end of the sea it wasn’t even hutious anymore, it was like looking at the place where I came from. Every time one of the fishing men jumped in the sea he made another splash that added to ours. They didn’t stay apart like I thought they would, they all got mixed up like fingers in holding hands. They all became each other and the sea stretched back to the same shape it always was. It was very clever. The waves you make keep you together so you don’t get lost. You just have to aim in the right direction and kick.
I woke up too fast to see you. You were there outside my window, I could feel it before I opened my eyes, but when I looked you were already flying away! Stay next time, I only want to talk to you. I only want to ask you if there really is a Hea
Pigeon: There is.
Me: Is the dead boy there? I knew it! What about Agnes, will she be OK? I don’t want her to die as well. She doesn’t like it on her own, she gets scared.
Pigeon: She’ll be fine. We won’t leave her on her own, I promise.
Me: How do I know you’re telling the truth? What if you’re just in my head?
Pigeon: Can you feel me in your belly?
Me: Sometimes, but it might just be from eating too fast or wishing too much.
Pigeon: No, it’s me. Trust me, Harri, I wouldn’t lie to you. Go back to sleep now.
Me: This time can I dream about you, that we’re flying together like I’m the same as you? I want to do a shit on the bad guy’s head, that would be brutal!