Perfection Is Just an Illusion (Swimming Upstream #1) (9 page)

“What happened? I thought you were having dinner. I didn’t know you were planning on swimming.” Diana was laughing as Anna wrung out her long hair onto the pavers.

“Well, I guess we should tell her,” James said, shooting a glance to Anna, who all of a sudden became shy and was trying to hide behind James. “Mum, Anna said yes,” James admitted with a simple shrug of his shoulder. Diana watched as her only son’s face filled with happiness.

“What can I say? Congratulations!” Diana hugged Anna, almost cutting off James’s air supply while she yelled. “Michael! Michael, get out here! Quick!”

Michael came rushing through the door, letting it bang loudly behind him. “What! What’s going on?”

“Tell him, James! Tell him,” Diana exclaimed, almost jumping up and down with excitement. By this time Anna had begun to shiver. Her dress was dripping wet; her shoes were full of water, and all she could think about was a hot bubble bath.

“Dad, Anna and I are getting married.” The wide smile on James’s face hadn’t faded.

“Son, that’s great. Congratulations!” he said, embracing James enthusiastically. It was now a family affair.

“Come on,” Diana told Anna, guiding her inside. “We’ll get you into some dry clothes then we can celebrate properly.”

***

Anna

In the safety of the bathroom Anna had a moment to reflect and fully comprehend what had just happened and how her life had irrevocably changed forever. Glancing down at her very shiny ring, she thought how James was the key to her life’s happiness. She stood motionless in the shower, the hot water scalding her body. A knock at the door pulled her from her daydream.

“Who is it?” she asked awkwardly, trying to cover herself.

“It’s just me,” James whispered. “I have some dry clothes for you,” he explained, pushing open the door.

“Just leave them on the floor, thanks,” she said, turning off the taps. Anna stepped out of the shower, surprised to find James sitting there on the washing basket. Suddenly aware of her nakedness, Anna grabbed the closest towel and wrapped it tightly around her. “Now we have thirty seconds to ourselves, I have to ask. Are you sure this is what you want?” Anna said as she clumsily tripped over her own feet.

“This is exactly what I want. You’re what I want. Anna, what is it that you want?” James asked nervously, standing up and stalking towards Anna.

“Well…” Anna shrugged. She grabbed his collar and pulled him towards her. She stopped just centimetres away from his mouth. “You.” She smiled, then kissed him deeply. As their tongues danced, Anna felt completely at peace. Nothing could ever ruin this moment for her. Pulling back, Anna sucked in several deep breaths before planting a lingering kiss on his lips as she pushed him out the door.

On the floor he had left a pair of his tracksuit pants and a matching jumper. As Anna searched for her wet underwear that she wasn’t looking forward to putting back on, she realised they were missing.
James, you sly little bugger
, Anna thought. Then she lifted up the clothes he had left for her. Underneath was a gift bag. All that was written on the tag was:

To the love of my life,

James.

As she read it not only did it make her giggle but it also made her heart lurch. Anna had never imagined that she would be a fiancée, let alone James Thompson’s fiancée. She opened up the bag curiously. In the bottom was some brand new, very sexy, and very expensive lingerie: a black bra made from the most delicate lace she had ever seen and matching panties.

When she emerged from the bathroom, she found James lying on his bed playing PlayStation games as usual.
If he isn’t in the pool then he’s perched on the lounge playing those damn games
, Anna thought.

She walked in and flopped down beside him on the bed. “Hey gorgeous.” He smiled, kissing her lightly on the back of her hand. Whenever she and James were totally alone he remained the same perfect gentleman that he appeared to be in public. It really wasn’t an act. That was just who he was.

“Don’t ‘hey gorgeous’ me. Nice choice with the lingerie.” Anna giggled, slightly embarrassed.

“Well, surely I get a sneak peek! Don’t I?” James chuckled with a wicked twinkle in his eye.

Anna was reluctant to show him—was it too much? Was it tempting fate? But after only a second’s hesitation she agreed nervously. James knew and respected Anna’s ‘no sex before marriage’ policy. They often slept together, but that was all that ever happened. They slept. They had seen each other naked and had no issues. They were both waiting patiently until that magical night, the night of their wedding. Although James had to admit the waiting was definitely getting harder.

Those days seemed to be a lifetime ago now
, Anna told herself. Now she was sitting in a wheelchair, and starting to drift asleep at the table.

“You tired, Princess?” James asked her. She had used up all of her energy and now could barely summon the strength to nod. He excused himself as he lifted her weak and weary body from her wheelchair and carried her into the bedroom. Within moments of her head touching the pillow, Anna was sleeping soundly.

***

James

James wandered back into the dining room, where his parents and Anna’s parents had gathered. They were getting along like they had always known each other. The thought
it’s scary
crossed James’s mind. He had always assumed that mothers and fathers were not supposed to get along with the in-laws, but there they were, chatting away easily.

“How’s our girl doing?” Michael asked, as James pulled out a seat.

“She’s tired. As soon as I put her into bed, she was asleep.” James looked worried, but tried to sound optimistic.

“Well, she has had a big couple of days. She’ll be better tomorrow,” Brandon said. “I don’t mean to be rude, James, but what actually happened? How did she crash?”

Gulping down the lump that had mysteriously formed in his throat, James attempted to fill in the blanks. “Nobody knows for sure, that’s the thing. We were at Justin’s having dinner and then Anna just up and left. When I got back to the hotel, she had already packed all of her things and vanished. Her nurse rang me, and I went straight to the hospital. She hasn’t told me what made her leave or what happened yet. And I didn’t want to push her until she was strong enough.” James’s face was straight and expressionless. Renee could see the distress in her brother’s eyes and reached out and took his hand.

“It will all work out. For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing, not trying to rush her. She loves you and I know she’ll tell you when she’s ready. Just give her time. I just know she will.” Renee smiled. James kept telling himself Renee was right. After all, she had known Anna longer than he had.

“I hope so,” he said, deflated.

Not long after Anna had gone to bed, her family headed back to her apartment. They would stay there tonight, visit Anna tomorrow, and if she didn’t need them they would head back home. Once they left, James slipped into the spare room to check that Anna didn’t need anything. She hadn’t moved since he had helped her into bed a few hours earlier. He had already planned his day tomorrow. He would go to training early and with any luck he would be home before Anna woke up or needed him. He would spend the day with her before heading back to training late in the afternoon. By then Michael would be home to look out for her if she needed him. As he was staring down at the bed he noticed how peaceful she looked. It was almost as though nothing was bothering her. She had no fears, no doubt, and no troubles…which James knew was not exactly the case. Reluctant to leave, he bent down, kissed her gently, and then disappeared upstairs and crawled into his own bed.

The next morning James arrived home from training and just tossed his bag on the floor as he raced through the living room. His hair was still dripping wet and the chlorine clung to his skin. He hadn’t even bothered to shower or change. Every thought led him home to Anna. He raced through the house, desperate to see her. When he opened the bedroom door he was startled to see the bed was empty. Anna wasn’t there. He ran through to the kitchen but still there was no sign of her. James ran through the house calling out for her to no avail. James ran back to the spare bedroom. Then he spotted a small hand sticking out the side of the bed. Anna was lying on the floor next to the bed. James wanted to kick himself for not seeing her the instant he got home but now was not the time. He bent down and scooped her up. She had done more damage to her already battered body.

Chapter 5

Anna

Once he’d settled Anna back in her bed on a nest of pillows, James went and made them some coffee. He returned moments later carrying a tray with her breakfast. Anna sat up and began to eat. “You have to be careful, a girl could get used to this.” Anna smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Well, that’s the plan. I think it comes with the whole marriage arrangement. I get to take care of you and you don’t get to complain about it.” James laughed. Then, almost as if his body could no longer contain the words, James’s serious side emerged. He was now lying across the end of her bed, and all signs of light and laughter had vanished. “Princess, I know you probably don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to push you, but I need to know, what happened in Canberra? Why did you want to leave? Please, Anna. Talk to me ’cause my imagination is running away from me,” he begged her.

Taking a deep breath, Anna attempted to explain the best she could. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Just try,” James encouraged.

“I guess the truth is the more I thought about it, the more I realised that you deserved better. Better than all this. I have absolutely nothing to offer you. And I know that. I guess I always knew it but while we were in Canberra it was like the blinders came off and I saw just how big that gap was and how much I’m holding you back. And I was forced to accept that. I didn’t want to but it was hard not to. It was so obvious. Not just to me, but to everyone. I love you so much but you deserve to be happy. And you should have the best of everything. And that’s not me.” Anna didn’t cry. She didn’t smile. She just sat there straight-faced, staring blankly into the bottom of her coffee cup.

After a silence that seemed to stretch on forever, James responded. “Anna, what makes you think that? What did I do to make you think you weren’t enough? That I deserve better? I don’t want anything else, Anna. You’re everything to me. You are so…everything. I love you more than you know.” James smiled, sitting up and taking hold of her hands. Anna knew he was trying to prove to her they would be okay and he wasn’t lying. She knew James truly believed in his heart she really was all he could ever want.

“Love isn’t always enough,” Anna retorted.

“Yeah, actually it is. You go without it long enough and you realise it’s everything. Nothing else matters,” James tried to explain.

“You don’t know my past, who I used to be. And I guess because of that, you don’t really know who I am. I’m not blaming you; that’s my fault. It’s all on me. I hid that side of myself from you…”

“Why?” James cut her off, a pained expression on his face.

“Because I’m embarrassed. But when we were in Canberra I had to face it. I had to confront my past. Head on. And you didn’t even bat an eyelid. You didn’t notice and you didn’t…”

“I did notice, Anna. Of course I did. As soon as you answered that call from your friends you changed. You froze. You shut down. I saw it. Don’t pretend I didn’t,” James hit back hard and fast.

“You couldn’t know. And I’m not blaming you. It was entirely my fault. I couldn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t love me if you knew. I was selfish and I know I shouldn’t be but I love you so much and I wasn’t strong enough to watch you walk away. So, instead of waiting for you to leave me, I took the easy way out. I beat you to it. I thought I would save us both a lot of time and heartache and leave first. I love you more than even I realised, but I didn’t want to be responsible for holding you back.” Throughout her confession Anna hadn’t raised her head and looked at him. Not once. Instead she was picking at her fingers absentmindedly. But when she did, her heart broke at the picture before her. She’d hurt him. And that had been the last thing in the world she’d wanted to do. Reading his face, Anna could see the hurt and confusion written there.

“So, Anna. How do we fix this?” James asked, sucking in a nervous breath.

“I don’t know James, I really don’t.” Anna shrugged.

“How ’bout you tell me whatever it is you need to tell me, then we deal with it. Together. No matter what, you have to know that won’t change the way I feel about you. I’ll love you no matter what. I’ll be right here beside you. Your past has made you who you are and I am so thankful for that. No matter what happened we can deal with it. I love you and nothing could ever or would ever change that. Please, Anna, talk to me,” James pleaded desperately.

“If you’re sure you want to know, I’ll tell you. Then if you want me to go, I will. No questions asked. When I was younger, about sixteen or so…” Anna began. She could not bring herself to look him in the eye. “I was Grant’s girlfriend. I thought he was the most wonderful, gorgeous guy I had ever met. I thought he was everything that I ever wanted in a guy.” James sucked in a short, sharp breath. Anna saw the pain in James’s face, but she pushed it aside and kept going. “He had the most deep, inviting brown eyes and strong shoulders. And I thought he was special. I mean, he was this amazing guy and everyone wanted him. Guys wanted to be him and girls wanted to date him. For some odd reason, he chose me.” Anna took a deep breath.

“Grant was my first love and I truly believed he could give me the world. I was young and naïve. We had one of those stupid, pathetic relationships. I would hurt him and we would break up, then after a week or two we would get back together and be more in love than ever. Then it was his turn to break my heart. This went on for so long, everyone lost track of when we were together and when we weren’t. But there was this one time Grant told me he loved me. I was young and foolish and impulsive and I thought I was in love. I was a sworn virgin. No sex until I was married, that’s something I always believed in, still do. But Grant tried every trick in the book to coax me into bed. He tried getting me drunk, telling me that he loved me, and even when we started fooling around he always tried to take it that one step too far. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready.” She sighed.

“But Grant was a teenage boy. And this was something he couldn’t stand. He hated the word no. It was like no one ever said it to him before and he didn’t like it one bit. He broke my heart for what I think was the fifth time because I ‘wasn’t mature enough for him.’ A week later Grant was already sleeping with my best friend and I lost them both forever. Things changed from then on. I made the decision that no matter what happened to me in my life I would never let anyone get into the position to hurt me again. Then I met you.” She wondered if she should steal a glance at James. No, she was too afraid.

“And I loved you so much, right from the beginning. But I was so scared that if you saw it, you would hurt me. But you didn’t. You were kind and sweet, and the more time I spent with you the deeper and faster I fell.” Anna dared to look up at James and she was shocked by what she saw. A constant stream of salty tears silently ran down his cheeks. “I’ll never forget the hurtful, hateful things Grant said to me. But the one that cut the deepest, the one that hurt the most was how I was nothing and no one could ever love someone so damaged.” She twisted her fingers together nervously.

“Then last week you took me back home. You didn’t know and he assumed I had forgotten everything—the way he treated me, the way he repeatedly broken my heart, the horrible things he’d said and how badly he hurt me. Then he asked me to dance and it completely freaked me out.”

“What happened, Anna? What did he say?” Anna could tell James was absolutely fuming. His face was red and Anna could see the veins in his neck pop out. Anna was sure that if he could have gotten his hands around Grant’s throat in that moment, he would surely strangle him without hesitation.

“He told me that ‘I had really done it.’ And that I had gotten exactly what I wanted. But what hurt the most was the fact that everything he was saying was true. I did get what I wanted. I got you. Then he reminded me that I wasn’t up to your standards and that I was the lucky one because you could do so much better. Grant wanted to be the one to make you see that I’m just some little once fat wannabe, who isn’t good enough to be your wife. I couldn’t let him be the one to help you see that. I knew I had to be the one to let you know the truth. But when the time came to tell you, I freaked out. I took the easy way out. I bolted.” Anna wiped furiously at her eyes.

“I jumped in the car and took off as fast as I possibly could. But I couldn’t even get that right. I crashed and ended up in hospital. And you found me. I wanted to save you, so I left. At the hospital when they asked me who to call, I didn’t give them your name. I didn’t want you to find me.” Anna’s words were beginning to slur as her emotions finally kicked into overdrive. “I just wanted to make your life easier by disappearing. Then you wouldn’t have to feel guilty or bad about ending this because it was my fault. You could be free to live your life the way you wanted to with whomever you wanted,” Anna spluttered barely coherently. She was nothing more than a babbling, crying mess.

“Anna.” James’s voice softened, wrapping his arms around her. “That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a brave person. You were young and scared but you stuck to your beliefs. He’s the asshole in this situation, not you. I really respect your decision not to sleep with him. And between us, I’m ecstatic you didn’t. If you loved him as much as you say you did, and I truly believe that you did, that would have taken superhuman courage and will power to say no and keep saying no, especially under that sort of relentless pressure.” He kissed her damp cheek.

“But it’s going to be okay. Promise. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. The way I see it, if I left you now, there would just be another two people in this world wandering aimlessly around with broken hearts. Two more people who loved each other more than they could bear, who were trying their hardest to live without the other. Anna, I didn’t know you then and you didn’t know me. But that doesn’t matter now. We know each other now, we love each other today. And we will love each other tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.” Anna was lying on the bed, her head in James’s lap, sobbing loudly as he tangled his fingers in her hair.

With so many raw emotions exposed in one go, both Anna and James were exhausted. “Just one more thing and then I’ll let you rest,” James promised as Anna stifled a yawn. “I’m living my life exactly the way I want to. I wish you had told me all of this when it was happening. At least then I could have done something about it.” James’s tears ran undisturbed down his cheeks.

“I wanted to…I just couldn’t,” Anna sobbed.

“I get it. I really do,” James cooed. “But next time something upsets you, or some asshole makes you think you are anything less than perfect, you tell me.”

“Why?”

“So I can kick their arse.” He grinned.

***

Michael

When Michael arrived home later on that afternoon, he was surprised to find Anna not propped up on the lounge in front of the television.
I thought all women who were home during the day watched those dreadful American soaps
. He chuckled to himself. Michael knew that James would kill him if he found out he hadn’t checked on Anna as soon as he walked through the door. Sighing, he wandered into the spare room.

Lying sound asleep on the bed was Anna and James. Her head was resting on his chest, moving steadily up and down with his breathing. They looked so peaceful and relaxed that Michael didn’t want to wake them. He glanced down at his watch and noticed the time. James should have been at training twenty minutes ago. Gently he leaned over and woke his sleeping son.

“James! Are you going to training? Look at the time,” Michael whispered, holding his arm out so James could see his watch.

“Oh, shit!” James cursed as he tried to wiggle his way out from under Anna without waking her. Luckily he still had his swimmers on from the morning’s session. Once out from under Anna he was running out the front door.

“When she wakes up, tell her that I’ve gone to training and will be back soon. Also…” James blabbered quickly. “Tell her that…tell her that I love her. And Dad, don’t let her go anywhere,” he warned him.

As Michael trudged back into the spare room, he wondered what he had missed to make James worry so much. Anna was starting to wake. Her eyes fluttered open slowly.

“Good morning, sleepy head.” Michael laughed.

“Hey!” Anna grumbled, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, checking for dribble. “Where’s James?”

“Gone back to training. And I’m to tell you that he’ll be back soon and you aren’t allowed to go anywhere,” Michael informed her, plonking himself down next to her. “You know what, Anna? You really do have that son of mine wrapped around your little finger. When he left here this afternoon, he looked so terrified that when he got back you wouldn’t be here and he would never see you again. You do realise your once private life is now public. Everywhere you go and everything you do is open to scrutiny. Everything you say will be taken out of context and used against you. You’ll be bombarded with questions about James, about you, and about anything else they feel like asking. Nothing is off limits. My boy would do anything for you. I hope you know that. Even if you asked him to give up swimming and move to the other side of the world, he would do it in a heartbeat. What I’m trying to say, Anna, is that my son doesn’t need me anymore. You’re what he wants and what he needs. He needs your love and your support and your unconditional friendship. He leads a very different life from you and me. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a normal life. From now on he’s going to lead it with you standing beside him. I just hope nothing happens that will break his heart.” Michael smiled at her knowingly. Michael knew for as much as James loved her, Anna reciprocated.