Pep Talks (Pepper Jones #4) (17 page)

I guess I can decide whatever I want, but I can’t control my emotions like Jace can. Or maybe he’s not controlling them. Maybe he just doesn’t feel anything toward me anymore.

Before I go to bed that night I take my scissors and cut the bracelet off. I can’t bring myself to toss it in the trash, but I place it in a shoebox with some of my running medals, and slide it under my bed. All signs of Jace Wilder must stay hidden from view.

When I return to the dorms after my last exam a week and a half later, I’m experiencing a level of exhaustion almost as severe as the final mile of a cross race, only it’s mostly in my head this time. Since the post-Nationals party, I’ve been doing nothing but study. I guess I eat and sleep and I’ve gone on a few runs, but for the first time ever, school work has briefly taken over my life.

Indoor track and field officially started weeks ago, and the first meet is this weekend, but all of the cross runners who went to Nationals are supposed to take a few weeks off from workouts and just focus on recovering so that we can come back from winter break rested and ready to start track season. I hadn’t been entirely neglecting my school work before finals started, but the final exams and papers in my classes count for over half my grade for the entire semester, and the amount of material involved was daunting, to say the least. But I wasn’t alone. The entire campus was on lockdown.

I drop my backpack in my room and head to the restroom, trying to decide whether I want to take a nap or go on a run. I’ve finished my first semester of college and it seems anticlimactic to go to sleep, even if that’s what my body craves. But when I open the door to the bathroom and hear the distinct sound of someone throwing up, I snap to attention. It’s two PM and unlikely any of my roommates have been drinking enough to puke. The sound is accompanied by a pungent smell and then the toilet flushes and Gina swings open the stall door.

“Oh, hi Pepper,” she says lightly, turning on the faucet to wash her hands. “Did you just get back from an exam?”

“Yeah,” I reply cautiously. “Are you ok? Are you sick or something?” I’m quite certain that is not the case, but I have no idea how to handle this.

She shrugs as she wipes her hands with a paper towel. “No, I’m fine.”

“But, weren’t you just puking?”

“Yeah, sometimes I throw up before a test. Nerves, you know?”

I shift my weight back and forth, unwilling to move from my spot. I’m blocking the door, and Gina is waiting for me to get out of the way. But I can’t. I have to say something. Do something. But what?

“Um, do you throw up on purpose?”

Gina straightens her shoulders. “Yeah. I mean, it’s better than letting it out in the middle of the test, don’t you think?” she asks sharply.

“How often do you do it?”

“I don’t know. Look, Pepper, I’ve really got to get going.” She sounds impatient now, like this silly conversation is a waste of her time. Like what just happened is no big deal. I almost feel stupid for pushing it.

“Gina, you’re making yourself throw up. That’s not something I can ignore.”

Her eyes narrow and I know I’ve hit a nerve. “Not everyone can be skinny without effort, Pepper. Some of us have to work for it. I know it’s not a reality you’d understand, but I suggest you stop questioning me. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions. Sometimes I want to eat things that will make me fat and throwing up after keeps the weight off. It’s life.” And with that, she bursts by me, letting the door slam behind her.

Stunned and certainly unable to take a nap now, I find myself jogging to Shadow Lane and sitting at the kitchen counter, telling Gran what just went down. “What am I supposed to do?” I ask.

“She needs help, Pep. You need to tell someone who can help her.”

“I know, Gran, but who? I can tell Coach or someone on the team, but no one can force her to see a doctor.” It’s tempting to just tell Lexi, because she was the one who first came to me about Gina. But the more people I tell, the more likely Gina’s life will get rolled around in the gossip mill. Lexi isn’t inclined to do that to Gina, but I need a plan before I start telling anyone.

“Your coach probably
can
force her to go see a doctor, you know,” Gran tells me. “Doesn’t he have a say in who’s on the team? Can’t he keep people out for injuries or health reasons? I think he’s the best person to handle this.”

“Should I tell Sienna or Kiki, or Lexi or Caroline? Everyone’s been worried about her. I just feel like our teammates care about her and want to be involved in helping her but I also feel so disloyal to Gina telling anyone what I witnessed.”

Gran nods. “Why don’t you talk to Gina? Tell her your concerns, and that you don’t feel you can keep this to yourself.”

“Gran, she’s in total denial and this wicked mean side of her comes out when I’ve confronted her before. Like, she gets super defensive. I think she might have split personalities,” I add.

“Don’t get overdramatic now, Pep. I’m sure her body’s eatin’ up any sweetness left in her, is all.”

“Oh? Is that why everyone gets grumpy when we’re hungry? Our body eats up our sweetness?”

“Course! That’s why we got plenty of cookies in this house at all times. And why I’m such a sweetie,” Gran adds with a wink.

I roll my eyes. “Okay, I’ll email Coach and ask to meet with him. And I’ll try to talk to Gina again.”

Gran nods. “Good girl. Now, when are you coming home for the winter break? Your last exam was today, right?”

“Yup. I’m just going to go back to the dorms now, pack up some stuff, have dinner with some people, and then I’ll be back in my own bed tonight. Oh, and Zoe might come over later after she gets in,” I add.

Gran claps her hands. “Oh goodie. We really need to get some dance parties going while she’s home. Don’t want to lose my moves in my old age.”

“I’m sure Zoe would love to bust a move or two with you, Gran, but you better take it easy on that hip,” I warn. Gran likes to pretend nothing happened, but she’s not as agile as she was before she fell, that’s for sure.

“I can still work it, Pep, don’t you worry ‘bout me.”

“Never, Bernadette, never.” I just can’t help myself sometimes.

She narrows and points her finger at me. “Careful, or I’ll hide all the cookies I’ve been baking for your homecoming.”

Seeing Zoe again feels so good. We’ve both made new friends and memories over the past few months, but she’s still her loveable, bubbly self. And it doesn’t surprise me when she mentions a party she wants to hit up.

“Aren’t you exhausted from exams, dude?””

Zoe laughs. “‘Dude?’ Really? Did college make you cool or something, Pepper?”

I shove her playfully. “No, I’ll never be cool, Zoe. But Lexi says ‘dude’ in like, every sentence, so it kind of rubbed off on me.”

“I need to meet this Lexi.”

“You’ll like her.”

“I like her!” Gran calls from the sofa.

“She’s got Bunny’s stamp of approval, so she must be a good one.”

“She’s a keeper.”

“So anyway,
dude
,” Zoe says, “you should come out with me. Everyone’s back for winter break. It’ll be fun.”

“I know you have endless energy, Zoe, but I’m seriously running on empty here. I need, like, fifteen hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Zoe waves me off. “You can get it later. Just come for a little and you can leave whenever.”

Sighing, I relent, like I usually do with her. “Fine, where is it?”

She grins. “It’s Wes’s party.”

I don’t want to admit why this motivates me to change out of the sweats I’ve been wearing for a week straight and into a cute outfit. If it’s Wes’s party, Jace will be there. I must be masochistic to want to see him again, but I can’t help it. I didn’t run into him once over finals week, since I wasn’t at the gym or Chapman Hall at the same times as him like usual. There’s a chance he won’t show, as he’s probably super busy with football training. But the possibility of him being there has butterflies in my stomach. I try to ignore it, knowing these feelings are stupid. I just can’t seem to give up on him.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a party at Wes’s house, and it’s strange being here with everyone from Brockton Public and Lincoln Academy, now that we’ve all graduated. Our high school identities are still with us, but we each come with a new identity too. The house is almost as packed as it was the other night at Sig Beta, and I realize it’s not just people from my year and Wes’s year, but there are people who graduated before us and people still in high school too. I’m surprised I didn’t hear about this party earlier, but knowing Wes, he probably pulled it off last minute.

I spend most of the night hanging out with my old teammates in a big room in the basement. Jenny and Rollie are still together, and they are cuddled up looking far too adorable as we all catch up on our lives over the past few months. We’ve stayed in touch a little, but there are plenty of stories to share. I’m thankful no one asks me about Jace, whom I still haven’t spotted tonight. I’ve got my Jace-radar turned all the way up though.

The last person I expect to run into when I head to the restroom is Madeline Brescoll. I haven’t seen her in a very long time. She disappeared from the Brockton social scene after unsuccessfully trying to sabotage my relationship with Jace. Seeing her coming out of the bathroom, I’m reminded of a time almost two years ago when she cornered me by a bathroom at another party. I’m a lot stronger now than I was then, but I’m not in the mood to deal with a confrontation.

And, judging by the way she shrinks to the side to let me pass and averts her gaze to the floor, Madeline Brescoll is weaker than she once was. But she’s still standing there when I come out a minute later, and this time she looks up at me.

“I came here to see you, Pepper,” she says quietly.

I stiffen. “Why?”

“I wanted to apologize to you for what I did. I was jealous and I handled my jealousy all wrong. I’m really sorry for all the mean things I did.”

Whoa. Totally didn’t see this coming. “Um, thanks?” My mind reels, wondering if she has an ulterior motive. I’m sure she’s heard about Jace breaking up with me, so that can’t still be her goal.

“I also wanted to apologize to Jace. Do you know if he’s here?” she asks.

Now I’m even more suspicious. I don’t think I’ll ever trust this girl. “I don’t know.” Before she can say more, I turn and leave, not caring all that much about her evil plots. I don’t think there’s much she can do to hurt me at this point, at least not when it comes to Jace. I don’t have him so I have nothing to lose.

Turns out I was wrong. So very wrong.

I decide to head up to the kitchen to grab some drinks for my friends. After running into a few acquaintances from Brockton Public, I see a familiar set of shoulders leaving the kitchen. I’d recognize Jace’s back anywhere, but I’m intrigued by the new haircut. He’s had a faux-hawk for years and it almost seems like he started the trend himself. Even before he cut it that way, his hair was always a little long and disheveled. Tonight, Jace Wilder is sporting a buzz cut for the first time ever.

Without thinking, I follow him. I want to get a better look. By the time I get out of the kitchen, he’s at the far end of the hallway by the study, away from the crowds and leaning against the wall, listening to someone talk whom I can’t see. His arms are crossed and he’s got a standoffish vibe going on. Or maybe it’s the haircut that gives him attitude. The angles and edges of his face are more pronounced, and I have the strange urge to take a picture of his profile. I wish I was closer so I could see his eyes. I bet they pop even more than usual.

My wish is granted when he lifts his head and turns my way. Our eyes lock and I suck in a breath at the intense desire to get closer to him. My suspicion is true. Without the distraction of his unruly hair, his green eyes are mesmerizing.

When he looks away, I still can’t move from my spot in the entry way. People are coming and going from the front door, and I’m probably in their way, but I can’t tear my eyes away when I see it’s Madeline he’s talking to. She said she was going to apologize, but as the crowds blocking my view move away, and I’m able to see their entire bodies, Jace puts his hand around her waist, and pulls her body flush against his.

I want to run away. I want to scream at him. Hit him. But I can’t do anything except stare. My jaw drops and my eyes blink rapidly, like maybe it will all go away and I’ll wake up any second now.

But then his mouth descends to hers and a moment later he takes her hand and pulls her into the study. I don’t know how much longer I stand there before Zoe finds me.

“Jace just…” I stutter, unable to say it. “He went in there with Madeline.”

Zoe looks in the direction I’m pointing. “What?”

“He kissed her.” I can hear the disbelief in my voice as I say it.

“What the hell is wrong with him?” Zoe growls. “After what she did?”

“He saw me. He wanted to hurt me.” And he did hurt me. But not because I’m jealous. I know he didn’t want her. I don’t know what they’re doing in that room right now, but it doesn’t matter. Jace intended to be cruel. He wants me to hate him. And he accomplished it. The pain is worse than when he shut me out, when he told me things were over, or when I found Melanie in his room. Because I truly feel like the very worst of him has taken over, and I no longer believe he’ll come back around one day. He is lost.

As Zoe pulls me away and takes me back downstairs, my feelings for Jace Wilder are no longer muddled and confused. It’s not a mix of longing, sadness, regret, pity, and anger because I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him. Those butterflies? Dead. Hope we could recover from this breakup somehow? Gone. I never thought I’d lose respect for my childhood best friend, neighbor, and first lover. Tonight, there’s no more admiration for the boy I wanted for so many years. I think I might even hate him.