Paul Lynde - A Biography (16 page)

“I’ll get you your Martini,” Martha says to Paul. “How do you want it, straight or on the rocks?”

“Just fast,” Paul answered.

Bill filmed the pilot and sent it off. Paul exited the studio and headed to his favorite fast food places in the area: Burger King, Jack-in-the-Box, and Denny’s. The next day, he went to the supermarket and brought all his favorite junk food. When he came home he had a feast. “My bed looked like a cafeteria,” he told Peggy Hudon of
TV Stars of ‘73.
He had gained twenty-eight pounds while waiting to hear if the network would air his new show. Then Bill called him with great news, ABC bought a full season. The forty-five-year-old then threw out all the junk food, went on a diet, and began exercising every day. He lost every pound he had put on. The actor immersed himself in the new show that headlined his name. He had tremendous hopes that
The Paul Lynde Show
would stay on the air for years. He told the writers, “Don’t write Paul Lynde lines, write good lines and have Paul Lynde say them.”

Earl Wilson, long-time columnist and fan who had once costarred with Paul in
Beach Blanket Bingo
a decade ago, went to visit him at the studio one afternoon. Earl wrote about it in his column titled: “It Happened Last Night.” He had anticipated some good laughs from his old friend, but Paul was very uptight about his new show that day. He was having a hard time getting used to teleprompters and was in a frenzy trying to rewrite some of the lines. While Earl and Paul were talking, someone stopped in and mentioned that they were all sitting in the dressing room that Judy Garland used for
A Star is Born.
“I’ll try not to end up like she did,” Paul snarled.

At times, The
Paul Lynde Show
was put in the same time slot as the most watched television shows at the time: one of them being
The Carol Burnett Show.
His first show had high Nielsen ratings and Paul said he felt bad to compete against it. Carol’s show was soon moved to Saturday nights at 10 p.m. The ratings began to dip for Paul’s show and it was rescheduled and put in the same time slot as
The Sonny & Cher Show.
Paul spent his days in agony rewriting the shows right up until the last minutes before filming.

In one episode, Paul, as the lawyer investigating the Pussy Cat Theater in town, had to watch a porno film. Disguised in sunglasses and a raincoat, he stares at the screen and says, “Oh my goooodness, no wonder they get $7.50.”

Paul came into the studio one day, and the stage manager told him Elton John’s secretary was on the phone. Paul was a little baffled and took the call. He was being invited to Elton’s opening night concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Paul said to his secretary, “I don’t know him.” The woman on the phone replied, “Well he sure knows you. When Elton John is in this country he never misses the show.”

The Paul Lynde Show
ran twenty-six episodes, beginning in September 1972 through September 1973. ABC had a decision to make, and Paul was not happy with it. The network canned it along with
The Mod Squad
and
The Julie Andrews Hour.
Paul made comments to the press that he felt like he was “ten years too late,” referring to the family sitcom format. It was another death for Paul.

Paul never understood how one little device that was set up in one household could represent what 50,000 other households were watching. He had only met one person in his entire life that had the Nielsen ratings system set up in his home. He did not believe it was an accurate way to measure viewers. It made him furious that it was used to decide the fate of a show.

Some critics surmised it was too hard to see Paul as a father — though he stole the show playing one in
Birdie
and had so many roles where he played an exasperated dad. Others thought it was Paul Lynde overkill for an entire show. However, he was nominated that year for a Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series. He couldn’t understand it. Peter Marshall explained it best when he said, “Paul was like chocolate mousse, you like a taste of it, but you can’t have it for the whole meal.” Although Peter said he could and certainly many of his fans would agree.

Even though Paul had several failed shows, the television world still wanted him. This was unusual, as most actors with that kind of track record would never be considered for another show. Now he was being asked to help resurrect the falling
Temperatures Rising Show.
It was another Asher creation, and Paul was added to costar along with Clevon Little, who continued as Dr. Jerry Nolan from the original show. It was revised a bit, though Bill Asher believed audiences would not take to this edition of the show either. It was now called
The New Temperatures Rising Show.
Paul, who never said no to work, went full speed ahead, and the producers hoped having Paul in the show would attract more viewers. The former show was set at General hospital in Washington D.C., and the newer show had the same facility, but now was now privately owned by Martha Mercy, played by Sudie Bond. It was run by her tightwad son, played by Paul. Midway, Alice Ghostley came aboard playing his sister. Paul starred from 1973-1974 as Dr. Mercy, the character was named by him after the hospital he practically grew up in. Bill was right, the ratings were just as poor as the original show, and ABC canceled. Paul would not be the star of this hospital the way he was at Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, with the nuns and nurses. He was disappointed again, but also knew it was already a sinking ship when he boarded.

Paul had a nationwide following, and ABC thought of a way to showcase the comic genius. Paul would star in a series of one-hour specials. The first was
The Paul Lynde Comedy Hour,
which aired on November 6, 1975. His guests included Nancy Walker, Rich Little, Jack Albertson, the Osmond Brothers, along with The Captain and Tennille. The show was done in variety style with amusing skits and songs. One contributor to the
Mid-City Daily
wrote it was one of the best variety shows she had seen in a long time and that Paul was quite humorous, but she could have done with a little less of his grimacing.

The seventies were styled in bell bottoms and polyester shirts, and disco music had invaded America. “The Hustle,” was the hottest nightclub dance, and while John Travolta was busy filming
Saturday Night Fever, The Paul Lynde Halloween Special
aired in October 1976. The show was filled with witches, a haunted house, skits, rock and roll, disco music, and songs. The slew of big time stars included two famous witches played by Margret Hamilton, the notorious witch from
The Wizard of Oz,
and Witchipoo, played by Billie Hayes, from
HR Puffenstuff.
They granted the host three wishes. One wish was that he wanted to be a trucker with a CB, and in that skit, he and Tim Conway fought over a waitress, played by Pinky Tuscaloosa, also known as Ross Kelly, Fonzie’s girlfriend from the television show
Happy Days.

Florence Henderson sang “That Old Black Magic” to a disco beat. In another skit, Paul is granted the wish that he be a rich sheik and great lover. Paul is dressed in a white garment and he is pursuing the heiress he has kidnapped, played by Florence. When she won’t get romantic with him, he speaks poetic lustful words and becomes totally immersed in himself and says, “Oh! I’m turning myself on.”

Florence said she had always enjoyed working with Paul. She loved him in
Birdie,
“The way he attacked, nervous to agitated style, boarding on hysteria. It was like he was going to explode.” She had also been a Kenley player, like Paul. She had performed in
Annie Get Your Gun
and
The Sound of Music,
and her shows followed after his antics. According to Florence, Paul was getting into trouble because of his drinking. He was wicked, and he became more wicked when he was drinking. She also worked with him on
Squares.
“He was such a pro, every minute. In between the taping of Squares, the wine was flowing and Paul became looser. Paul was the funniest man I ever saw. [Though] He struggled and was complex, many of his peers thought Paul was not accessible, but he was,” Florence explained. “He used his humor as a defense.” She worried that he smoked too much and it added to his stress.

Betty White, Billy Barry, Donny and Marie Osmond also joined Paul on his Halloween hour. Paul sang his signature theme song, “Kids” from
Birdie,
and the entire cast danced to Disco Baby,
(Disco Lady),
as Pinky taught “Tall Paul” how to follow her dance steps.

One of the highlights of that show was the rock group KISS. They performed “King of the Night Time World,” as their first number. The Kiss fans loved it as it was the band’s first appearance on television. For many of their followers who listened to them, it was the first time they would actually see the KISS members in their outlandish costumes and wild makeup. They also performed “Detroit Rock City” and a piano ballad, “Beth,” which to date is their highest chart single in the U.S. After they finished a number, Paul walked over to the band members, took a look at the rock group and snickered, “Just what I always wanted, four kisses on the first date.” The band members scowled at him. As a result of their appearance on the show, Kiss’s fan base grew, and they forever became associated with Halloween.
The Paul Lynde Halloween Special
was released in Oct 2007, on DVD.

KISS member Paul Stanley said in a later interview that Paul Lynde was such a big influence on Gene Simmons that Gene even went on
Squares.
“Everyone in America loved Paul Lynde,” he said.

Yet, Paul was lonely.

Chapter 11

“I’ve been cursed with shyness all my life.”

Paul Lynde

“I was contemplating death,” Paul told Jane Ardmore from
Weight Watcher
magazine — he was referring to his pre-
Bye Bye Birdie
success. He was there to talk about his weight loss and its challenges. He talked about the dark days when he had become a recluse; the more depressed he felt, the more he ate.

Paul often stated that the fact that he came from the potato-salad belt in the midwest had a lot to do with how he ate, along with being raised during the Depression. He knew not to waste anything, especially food. He once said that being so poor was what made him dream of being rich one day. His whole family loved his mother’s cooking, but although his brothers put on some weight, they never did the way he piled it on, and none of his sisters were ever overweight.

As an adult, he had tried so many diets and would lose some weight, but gain it all back. He went on the “Olympic Ski Diet,” which limited him to 1,000 calories a day. “I can’t believe they skied on it, I could barely walk,” he joked to reporters. Then he saw Ruth Buzzi who had lost a lot of weight, and he asked her how she did it. Ruth told him she was on the Weight Watchers program. Paul gave it a shot and lost thirty-three pounds in eleven weeks. He went down to 170 pounds.

Weight Watchers Magazine
put the now slimmer actor on the cover of their December 1975 issue. Paul posed in a Santa Claus suit where he stretched the red pants’ waistband way out in front, showing how much weight he had lost, grinning with his one hundred teeth. The caption read:
How Santa Lost and Found his Waistline.
The actor-comedian stood 5’ 11 3/4” tall. He had once weighed 260 pounds and he was a trim 183 pounds when the photo was taken. “A slender actor is a better actor,” he repeatedly said. It seemed to pay off, as he became the most in demand star in television history at that time. He was putting in 180-190 hours a week on the tube and taking in over $500,000 a year. “I’m the highest paid actor in the country,” he boasted.

Paul became an expert on food and was known throughout Hollywood as a gourmet cook. Paul learned good meats growing up in his father’s store, and he was a pro at cutting up chickens. He also created his own original recipes to keep the weight off: Meat loaf à la Lynde, Chicken for dieters, and Diet waffles (recipes appear at the end of the book). He cooked and served dinners to his friends and his sisters who would come into his pristine kitchen to offer their help to the bachelor. “Get o-u-u-u-ut,” Paul would say. He had that kitchen done in all white just so he could see if anything was dirty, and he did not want anyone messing it up. On the wall was a cloth witch that his good friend Alice Ghostley had given him. Alice and her husband, Felice Orlandi, an Italian actor, were frequent guests at Paul’s home. After Paul hung the witch on his wall, Alice warned him that he must never take it down or it would be bad luck. The superstitious actor never did.

Paul also enjoyed dining out. His friend, actress Suzanne Pleshette, would keep him up on all the best restaurants in town. If he was home, he loved sandwiches (which he pronounced “sammidges”) because he said they didn’t mess up his kitchen, and also because he was addicted to miracle whip. “I eat it out of the jar with a spoon,” he admitted.

Though the actor’s schedule was heavy, he cleared time to attend the Weight Watchers meetings on Monday nights. There he listened to outrageous stories the members shared. One woman said she had such a rough time to keep from eating that her husband made a cage for her head. He would put it on her each morning before he left for work. She did lose weight, but then found she could then fit her hand up into the cage and feed herself — so she gained all the weight back.

Paul listened in amazement at how the women talked about who could unwrap a candy bar the quietest without waking up their husband. Another woman used to hide her candy in the night table and eat it in her bed in the dark. One morning, she opened the drawer and found all the candy she had been eating was covered with ants. When the actor was on tour doing
The Paul Lynde Show,
he told the audience that part of the reason he loved those Weight Watchers meetings was because he met a friend there. He complained to his new friend that he found the worse part of the diet was giving up the “booooze.” To which she replied, “You mean you’re getting by without this?” And she pulled out a marijuana joint. From then on, Paul never missed a meeting, and made sure to save a seat for her every week
.

Paul had learned not to be an emotional eater anymore; however, over the years, he had switched that addiction with drinking. He self-medicated, using alcohol to ease his stress, loneliness, and anxiety. “I’ve been cursed with shyness all my life,” he told Leslie Raddatz of
TV
G
uide
in 1973. And he told
Boston Globe,
“If I hadn’t been a celebrity, I’d probably be an alcoholic.”

The nervous actor never ate before a performance, but after the show he would usually dine out. “Weight such as mine is like an allergy, I could go up thirty pounds just by reading the menu,” Paul explained. He told Kaye Ballard, “If I knew I was going to die, I would eat biscuits and gravy until I was so big they would have to lower me with a crane to put me in the grave.”

The weight took years off his looks. He had always had to play an older person, even in his school plays, but the forty-nine-year-old looked younger than ever. Out of the fat Santa suit came a very handsome, sexy man. To maintain his new look, he hired Tom McCauley, a life extension expert. Paul began jogging with two rubber suits and two sweat suits on top. “I tried to exercise for a while, but the only change I noticed were lines on my face, from the pain!” Tom sued Paul later for not crediting him with helping to lose the weight. According to the
Milwaukee Journal,
Marilyn Beck wrote that Paul said Tom helped him loose forty-five pounds and even got him to stay off the booze. Paul told Peer J. Oppenheimer of the
Sarasota Herald Tribune
that had been especially hard for him, and he said, “I’ve been a long time big drinker who’s never been exactly famous for handling booze well.”

In 1976, Paul’s weight went down to 159 pounds and he was honored with a trophy from his Weight Watchers group. After that, he pledged to himself that he would never get up to 200 pounds again — and he never did.

Feeling good about his body and career, the trim actor was open to a relationship. He met Pablo Rodriguez, an artist, who lived in the village in New York. Paul had been staying at the Pierre Hotel, his home away from home, when he met the tall, slim, dark haired, handsome man from Spain. Paul had told his friends he wanted someone to love him for himself, not for the person on television. Pablo had no idea Paul was a celebrity. This may have been the key to what made this the most significant relationship he ever had. That and the fact that Pablo didn’t speak much English and Paul did not know Spanish might have helped. Pablo lived in New York and Paul would see him when he came east, and Pablo would travel to the west coast other times. He even took Pablo with him on a trip for
The Hollywood Squares.
His cronies notice how pleasant and happy their friend was when he was with Pablo.

Paul owned a Mercedes 350 sl and a rare Bentley. The Bentley was worth about $40,000 at that time and there were only seventeen of them ever made. JFK had also owned one of them. The outside was black, and it had what he described as a tobacco and brown interior. He had his California license plate personalized to read Pablo on his prized car. Some friends assumed that Paul would leave him that car when he died, but Paul never updated the will that he had drawn up back in 1965. Eventually, his partner’s drinking became too much for Pablo, and they parted ways, but remained friends.

That relationship was the only one Paul’s friends think that ever really mattered to him. He had many companions that came in and out of his life, but still never experienced the kind of passion he had always dreamed of. Kaye Ballard remembered another man, after Pablo, whom Paul had a relationship with that lasted a while, but Paul did not feel the same way and ended it. The guy was heartbroken.

Paul had told
US Magazine,
he wanted to feel the love he had felt in high school, like he did for Marilyn. He still believed there was someone out there for him. He explained that he had to be cautious because he was famous. “You never know if a person loves you for yourself.”

Alcohol had been getting a tighter grip on Paul, but now some of his friends were starting to avoid him because when he was under the influence he would say vicious things to them. One Sunday morning, after a night out, Paul turned on his television, and his favorite movie,
Wuthering Heights,
was on. It was the scene where Heathcliff, the tortured soul, was hiding in the shadows listening to Cathy, who was unaware of her lover’s presence. Paul leaned closer to the TV as she spoke “…he seems to take pleasure in being mean and brutal…and yet he’s more myself then I am. Whatever our souls are made of, him and mine are the same…” Paul knew the next line in the movie, and in unison with Cathy said, “I am Heathcliff!”