Paper Airplanes (22 page)

God, I felt like such an asshole.

“She’s not hung up on her ex-boyfriend,” he said like he knew something I didn’t. “She wants to be with you.”

“How do you know?”

Had Cassie talked to Scott about her ex, the one that died in the shooting?

“She told me this afternoon.”

“She did?”

“Yeah, she did.
She told me that she can’t stop thinking about you, and that she feels really rejected by how you’ve been treating her lately, which I think is totally shitty, by the way. So I told her to go for it with you. It’s why I invited her tonight. I figured you could work your Fourth of July magic like you did with Brooke. And, it totally worked! I saw her kiss you. You da man!”

“Scott,” I said, knowing he was playing it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but deep down he had to be hurting that she didn’t want him – and to make things worse, she wanted his best friend. “What about you?”

“Look, I can’t help that she doesn’t like me,” he said, sounding really honest and mature, “but if she has to date someone who’s not me, I’d rather it be you. At least I know you’re not a douche.”

I was shocked. I couldn’t believe I was hearing this.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I am.
Go for it. Tell her how you feel. She’s probably pissed that you pushed her away. Go make it right. I’m sending Tom over with my keys. He or one of the other guys can give me a ride after we break everything down. Just take Cassie home.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am. I saw her freak out when the fireworks started. I wanted to stop them, but once they start, they go until the end.”

“I know,” I said softly. “Dude, she was terrified. She was shaking and crying
, and she wouldn’t let go of me.”

“It makes sense. The sounds are similar. I should have thought about that before I invited her to come. I feel like an asshole.”

“It’s not your fault,” I assured him. “I wasn’t thinking about it either. I had no idea how she’d react.”

“Or how you’d react?”

I sometimes forgot how well he knew me. “Yeah, or how I’d react. It was pretty awful.”

“I can imagine. You okay?”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I’m fine now, but I’m not coming back next year.”

“I won’t hold that against you. Now, go. Get Cassie home, take care of her like I know you want to. You have my blessing.”

“Thanks, man. That means a lot to me.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, steering us away from sappy. We didn’t do sappy. “
Just promise you’ll give me details or at least hook me up with one of her hot friends.”

My mouth curved into a smile as
I thought of the details he’d want. Even though we both knew I wasn’t going to hook up with Cassie that night, the prospect of it happening at some point made me all giddy. That night I’d make sure she felt safe and protected, but who knew what would happen in the future.

“
I’m not telling you anything,” I said playfully, knowing I’d never tell Scott the details of what I eventually did with Cassie anyway.

He just
laughed. “Bastard.”

I saw Tom coming toward me then with Scott’s keys, so I thanked Scott and told him I’d see him
later. He was right. I needed to get Cassie home.

Chapter Sixteen

Cassie

Neither Jared
nor I spoke the whole way home. I didn’t even think to ask how Scott was going to get back to his house. I just stared out the window, my thoughts running rampant as I tried to link together the emotions I’d felt for so long, to the tangible things that I now
remembered
so clearly.

For the longest time
I could remember being confused and terrified and alone that night so many months ago, but I couldn’t piece together why that was. I couldn’t relate the terror or the confusion to a source. For months I’d felt like my memories of that night were right on the fringe, just waiting for me to uncover them, but no matter how hard I tried, I was left with a blank canvas.

But when the first firework had gone off, it had triggered something in me, and what I felt then was more than memories of emotions. It had been tangible. I remembered feeling hot and cold at the same time. I remembered a heavy weight on me that I knew was Will’s body. I remembered a wetness seeping into my clothes and down my face, the twin wounds that Will and I had suffered bleeding in time with
each other, covering me in blood. I remembered my head hurting, feeling like it was going to split open, and I remembered the sounds. I remembered the shouting and the crying and the screaming and the gunshots.

The gunshots were the worst, because following them was the sound of another body falling. There had been so many. It felt never ending.

But that was it. I had no visual memories. And I couldn’t make out the actually words anyone had said. They were just sounds that I knew were words, but I couldn’t determine what they were. It was like someone had turned the lights out and covered my ears so I felt disconnected from what was going on around me.

With my head resting against the cool glass of the window, I watched the scenery pass by as Jared drove us home. Everything was a blur, just like my memories of that night. Blurry. Disconnected. But real.

For the first time, I remembered what it had been like to be in the dining hall, on the cold floor, just waiting for death and knowing it was eminent. There was no other way to describe the complete and total despair that had flowed through me as the realization of what was happening hit me full force. I never thought I’d make it out alive.

But I had.

I’d lived.

I’d survived.

I was okay.

Sort of.

I noticed when we pulled onto our street that instead of driving back to his house, Jared pulled into my driveway. My gaze shifted to the huge, empty house looming in front of me. I hadn’t even left a light on. The thought of facing that darkness alone was practically crippling me. I didn’t want to get out of the car. I wanted to stay there, with Jared, forever. I didn’t want to be alone.

Even after Jared had recoiled when I kissed him, essentially giving me the answer I’d been afraid to hear all week, I still wanted to stay with him. I was that scared of being by myself
, and he was the only person who knew how I felt.

For months I’d been fine. I’d been able to exist and live my life – the sort of half-life it had become – but I’d been living.
And I’d been feeling like I was starting to heal as I’d built a new life for myself with school and work and my new friends. I’d been alright, but now everything inside me felt like it could crack at any second, and I was barely holding on.

And because of that, I was willing to spend more time with a guy who wasn’t interested in me. He didn’t want to be with me. He’d made that abundantly clear. What had happened between us that night a week earlier had been incredible, but somewhere between him telling me he liked me, he’d changed his mind. I wasn’t sure if I’d done something or not, but I didn’t really think it mattered.

When he’d pulled away from my kiss, I’d felt the worst I had in a long time, but then seconds later, my world had crumbled, and he’d been there, holding me up, keeping me safe, giving me a thread to hold onto in a violent, swirling tornado.

Didn’t he know that would only make me want him more? The fact that he hadn’t let me fall, that he’d pr
otected me, made me want to sink into his arms and stay there.

I closed my eyes, feeling his gaze on me, and shook my head. He was probably wondering why I wasn’t getting out of the car, most likely wanting me to just go already. He’d tried to get away from me earlier in the night. He’d gone to get a drink, and I’d insisted on following him, but then we’d walked around the town, playing silly games and sharing a soda. We’d been having fun.

Then we were laughing and joking about the songs Scott had picked for the light show, which really weren’t that bad, but it was a connection point, something Jared and I could share. It was why I’d kissed him. He’d been looking at me like he wanted to kiss me, his face bathed in red light from the roses covering the town hall that had morphed into lava before morphing into rushing water. The show had been incredible, but it had been more incredible to watch the reflection of the lights in Jared’s eyes. He was so beautiful, inside and out, and he made me feel special.

Slowly, I opened the door to the car and got out, not even b
othering to say goodbye to him. I wasn’t sure what I’d say. Thank you for rescuing me? Sorry I kissed you? See you tomorrow at work? Ugh. I couldn’t even think about that.

But then I heard his car door
open and shut and stopped in my tracks. I could hear him walking up behind me, could feel his presence for several moments before his hand came to rest on my lower back. I jumped, having not expected him to touch me. But instead of removing his hand, he slid it around my waist and pulled me against him, tucking my head under his chin.

His warmth engulfed me, so I sunk into him, my arms wrapping around his waist. Together we walked to
ward my front door, him taking care of me, making sure I was okay for just a little longer. It was exactly what I needed.

Jared stopped short, causing me stop with him. I hadn’t seen her before, but sitting on my porch, her back to the door, her eyes close and
earbuds in her ears was Marley. What was she doing there?

“Mar?” I called out to her, even though I knew she couldn’t hear me. I thought she might be asleep.

Jared immediately pulled away from me, and I stepped forward, leaving him behind as I walked up the steps. I saw two large suitcases tucked into the corner of the porch and knew Marley had fled Seattle. I was honestly surprised it had taken her that long. A part of me always knew she’d show up at some point over the summer.

I knelt down in front of her and place
d my hand on her knee. When she didn’t stir, I reached up and pulled the earbud from her ear. I could hear the music blasting from the speakers at the same moment she jumped and opened her eyes.

I smiled at her. “Hey babe.”

“Cassie!” she cried, practically knocking me over with the force she expelled when she lurched forward and hugged me. “Where have you been?!”

“I went to a
Fourth of July fireworks show. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d be here.”

She was still hugging me. “I’ve been here for hours. Haven’t your parents ever hear
d of a hide-a-key?”

“No. We haven’t had one of those in years. Besides, the alarm’s on.”

“Stupid rich people,” she scoffed as she pulled back and looked at me. “Did you really go watch the fireworks?”

The look on her face let me know why she’d been blasting music into her ears. She’d had the same reaction upon hearing the booming noises that I had. And she’d been all alone. At least I’d had Jared to keep me sane.

I looked back at him and found him watching me, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his shorts, the expression on his face unreadable. I didn’t know what to say to him, so I turned back to Marley.

“Yeah, I did, and it was awful,” I said honestly.

She nodded. “I know. I couldn’t take it, so I started playing Taylor really loud to drown it out. She helped.”

I smiled. Marley was a huge Taylor Swift fan, and I loved her for it. For a tough girl, she had a major soft side when it came to love.

“She always does,” I said as Marley peeked over my shoulder.

“Who’s the
hottie?”

“
That’s Jared.”

“Oh
, right,
Jared
. He’s totally cute. Way to go, girl,” she whispered, cracking a smile at me before she looked over her shoulder at him. “Hi Jared.”

“Hi,” he said warily, obviously not knowing who she was.

Marley looked back at me. “Did I ruin your plans with him? I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were, um, on a date. Were you on a date?”

I laughed without humor and shook my head. “Definitely not,” I said resolutely, knowing it was the truth, even though it tore me up inside.

Marley frowned. “Why not? He’s totally cute.”

I moved my shoulders in a small shrug. “He doesn’t like me
in that way, apparently.”

Marley’s frown twisted into an expression of irritation and disbelief. “
Then he’s an idiot and an asshole.”

I sighed. “No, he’s not,” I said, letting Marley know with those three words how sad I was that Jared didn’t want me. And that was the truth. I was just plain sad.
I stood up then and reached my hands out to pull Marley to standing. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”

She
looked over at Jared with an expression of distaste and said, “Fine, if you must.”

“Be nice,” I told her as I put my arm around her.

“I will,” she promised as she put hers around me, and we walked back down the front steps together. “But in my head I’m secretly hating him.”

I wished I could hate him, but I couldn’t. Looking at him standing on my driveway, I knew the last thing I felt toward him was hatred.

“Jared, this is my best friend, Marley,” I said when we reached him. “Marley, this is Jared. We work together.”

I figured it was as good a time as any to start labeling Jared as who he was – my co-worker. I wasn’t even sure we could be friends anymore after what had happened between us.
Just the thought of that made my heart sink.

“Nice to meet you,” Jared
said to Marley in that formal, polite way of his that was so adorable it made my heart ache as he stuck out his hand for her to shake.

She
looked at it for a few seconds before she shook it.

“You too,
” she said quickly, doing her best to mask her irritation with him for rejecting me. I loved her for being on my side, solidarity and all. Then she turned to me. “Can we go inside now? I want to take a bubble bath and watch a movie.”

I nodded. “Sure. Definitely,” I said, looking
up at Jared.

His expression didn’t give anything away, and I knew he’d just put his arm around me to comfort me. It was the same as during the show. He felt protective of me, but that was it. He didn’t want anything more. And as not fine as that was, I didn’t really have a choice but to accept it.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at work?” I said to him, and he nodded.

“I’ll be there.”

“You work at ten?”

He nodded. “You?”

“I’m in at four. I’m closing.”

“I’ll see you then, I guess.”

With that, he turned and walked away. I felt sad all over again as I watched him get back into Scott’s car and drive away from me.

“Come on,” I said to Marley as I turned to head back into the house
, glad she was there to distract me. It would keep me from crying over a boy who I had such strong feelings for who just didn’t feel the same way about me.

An hour later,
Marley had taken a bath, I’d made her some hot chocolate and we’d both changed into yoga pants and sweatshirts. It was just like when we lived together and she’d broken up with a guy. It felt very reminiscent of that, but I knew better. She wasn’t there because of a guy. This was about so much more.

“What happened?” I asked her, and she just shrugged as she sipped her hot chocolate. “Mar?”

She finally looked up at me. “No one at home understood. Not my parents, not my high school friends, no one. I was just tired of everyone looking at me like I was a freak. I knew if I stayed there I’d lose my mind. And I did miss you. I really did.”

“Do your parents know you’re here?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I told them. They weren’t happy, but I think they understood. They said I could stay with you for the rest of the summer.”

“Really?
!” I said, not knowing until she was sitting next to me how much I’d needed my best friend all these months.

“Yeah, well your parents were practically my surrogate parents from birth, so it’s not that far out of the realm of normal.”

This was true. My parents were going to be thrilled to see her.

“
So tell me about Jared,” she said, looking up at me from over her mug that she clutched with two hands. “I find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t want to be with you.”