Over (18 page)

Rusty nodded, probably having a knowing look on his face. "It's a normal part of moving on. I remember the first time I noticed that too. I felt terrible, but we can't hang onto them every moment. We didn't before. Even when they were with us, there were times we lived and didn't think about them."

"I don't know how I feel about this. I don't want to forget. I want to move on, but…"

"You're not forgetting her. Actually, you're in the acceptance stage. That's part of it."

The tears finally came. "I don't want to accept it. It doesn't feel right. It…" She wiped the tears, feeling like a jumbled mess.

He scooted over and sat about an inch away. "It's okay to feel whatever you feel. Feelings simply are. They're not right or wrong. I've been through all of this."

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "I felt normal again. It was wonderful, but horrible at the same time."

"That's nothing to feel guilty about. We can't go through life mourning forever. We would end up depressed and eventually suicidal. Our families wouldn't want that, would they?"

"No. I remember times when I was upset, and Macy hated that. She always tried to cheer me up." More tears filled her eyes. Even though it was nearly dark, she tried to blink them away.

"See? She would want you having times like this—enjoying life."

Alyssa's throat made an awful noise as the tears fell onto her face. She gave into the sob, determined not to turn into a blubbering mess this time.

Rusty put his arm around her. She imagined Macy telling her to move on. As guilty as she felt, she knew that was what she had to do. It wasn't good for her and it wasn't any good for Alex, either. He needed her to be strong.

The air suddenly felt cold and she shivered, leaning closer to Rusty.

"Are you ready to get back?"

"Not really, but we probably should. Hopefully we can see the path."

Rusty pulled something out from his jacket. She heard a click and then saw a light. He was holding a huge flashlight. "This will make sure that we do." He stood and held his hand out.

Alyssa took it and stood.

He let go and started walking. "Let yourself relax and think about nothing. It's good for you."

"All right." Alyssa said a silent apology to Macy and then focused on what she could see in the light.

They walked the rest of the way back to his house in silence. The stars were bright and beautiful and the moon was off to the side, only a small sliver. There were a few clouds, but it was a mostly clear night.

When they reached the house, Alyssa found herself wanting to stay outside. There was a swing on his porch, so she sat.

"Do you want to sit by yourself or would like company?" asked Rusty.

"You can stay. Or if you have to get to work, you can go. I don't want to keep you from anything."

"No. I'll go out later." He sat down.

She looked at him, this time able to see him better thanks to the porch light. One curl hung right over his forehead. She wanted to brush it away.

He leaned back into the swing. "Even though it was hard, I'm glad you went for the walk. There's something about nature that helps bring us where we need to be. At least it works that way with me."

"Me, too. Thank you, Rusty."

"It's nothing."

"Nothing? It's everything. You can't imagine how much you've helped."

"I've just given you a chance to get away from everything. You can stay as long as you need to—I mean that. Consider the room yours. Even when you go back home and need to get away, please come here rather than the bar. I don't want to find you there again."

Swallowing, she looked into his eyes. Before she knew what was happening, she leaned over and placed her lips on top of his. He smelled of aftershave and dinner.

He pulled back. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I was only—"

"Oh my gosh. I can't believe I just did that." Her face heated up. Of course he wouldn't find her attractive. He was off the charts handsome and she was a hot mess—all the time. He had driven her home twice because she was drunk. Just like the person who had killed his family. "I'll go now." She ran for the door, but it was locked.

Rusty got up and moved her hands from the door, giving her a kind look. "Don't be embarrassed. You're beautiful, Alyssa, but you're also grieving. If I allowed anything to happen, I would be taking advantage of you. Not only that, but you're married."

"Just let me inside."

He put his hand on her shoulder. "Do you know what I would give for one more day with my wife? You have that opportunity with Chad. Take all the time you need to work through your feelings here. I'm your
friend,
but what I really want is to see you back with your family."

Alyssa sighed and leaned against the door.

Returning

Alyssa turned the lock on her front door, holding her breath. Would Chad and Alex be angry with her or happy to see her? She hadn't even told Alex she was going anywhere, and she had been gone a couple of days. She was only there to get some more clothes and talk with Alex. With any luck, she would be able to avoid Chad. If he was working on his blog, she might actually be able to stay off his radar.

She walked in and closed the door behind her.

Alex appeared at the top of the stairs. "Mom."

Alyssa couldn't tell if he was happy to see her or upset.

"Oh, baby. I'm sorry I took off like I did." She went up the stairs, trying to read his face. He didn't give her any clues. She wrapped her arms around him and he returned the hug, squeezing tight.

"I was worried, but Dad said you needed some time to think about everything."

Alyssa nodded, stepping back. "He's right. You were already asleep when I realized I needed some space to think." If Chad hadn't mentioned their fight, neither would she.

"Are you staying?" he asked.

She tousled his hair. "I'm going to stay with a friend for a little while. But if you need me, call."

"Why didn't you answer your phone? It kept going to voice mail."

"I didn't bring my charger with me, but this time I will. I'm really sorry, Alex. How have you been doing the last couple of days?"

He shrugged, looking annoyed. "Dad's been on his computer nonstop, and Zoey isn't feeling well."

"Is she okay?"

"I guess. Her back's hurting and she's tired a lot."

"Do you want to grab some ice cream? It would be nice to sit and talk."

"We don't have any."

"Let's go out and get some. It'll do you good to get out of the house. It's helped me a lot."

"Not enough to stay here. I'm getting ready for bed, actually. Zoey's appointment is in the morning and I'm going with her this time."

Alyssa gave him another hug. "Let's plan to do something. I miss you."

"Are you moving out?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I'm not looking that far ahead. I need some time."

"To get away from Dad? I thought you guys were getting along."

She bit her lip. "We just need to work things out."

"What's to work out? We need you here. Not at Sharon's house or wherever you've been. Why didn't you call? Is there no phone there?"

Alyssa should have known that he would be upset. "I slept all of yesterday, sweetie. As in, I didn't even wake up once. I'll call you tomorrow, I promise. I want to hear about the appointment. And then maybe we can get some lunch."

"Whatever. 'Night, Mom." He turned around, but before he could walk away, Alyssa grabbed him and gave him a big hug.

"I really have missed you, Alex."

He hugged her back. "I know. Me too, Mom." Alex went up the stairs and down the hall and toward his room. Alyssa could hear him close the door behind him.

The last thing she needed was to lose him, too. He was right there. If she messed things up with him, then she really was an awful mom. She would need to get herself together so she could come home soon.

What if Chad continued to insist that Macy was still alive out there? If he held onto that fantasy, insisting that Alyssa did too, there was no way she could stay at home.

As much as it had ripped her apart out in the woods, moving on was what she needed. She couldn't hold onto the hope of Macy's return. Even though she wanted nothing more, she knew her daughter wasn't going to be back. All she could cling to was the hope that Macy hadn't suffered.

She needed to get to the place where Rusty was—somehow able to feel blessed that he had had the time he did with his family. Realizing that she had been standing in the same spot for a few minutes, she went up the stairs and thought about what she was going to pack. Mostly just clothes; she had already packed the other stuff she needed.

When she walked into her room, Chad was sitting on the bed. His back was to her, but she could see the glow from his phone. It sounded like he was texting.

She cleared her throat.

He turned around and looked surprised, hopeful even. "Are you staying?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I need some more clothes."

"You look good. Have you gotten some sleep finally?"

"That's almost all I've done. I missed yesterday entirely, actually."

"That explains why we haven't heard from you."

She went into the closet and grabbed some clothes from their hangers.

Chad's arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her into him. Her entire body tensed. She held her clothes close to her stomach.

He took a deep breath. "You smell like the outdoors."

"I went for a walk before coming here."

"Won't you stay? I've missed you so much. So has Alex. He—"

"I've already talked with him."

"What can I do to convince you to stay?"

She turned around, staring him down. "We can't agree to disagree. That works for some things, Chad, but not this. We have to accept the facts and move on. I can't do that if you refuse. We're living in two different realities."

He frowned. "You really want to give her a funeral?"

"She deserves it."

"What will we tell her when she returns? That we gave up on her?"

Alyssa pursed her lips, anger burning. "I'm not giving up on my daughter. I'm accepting the facts. It's what she would have wanted us to do. She wouldn't have wanted us to live like this."

Chad took a long, deep breath. "What if we agree to wait for the DNA results?"

"That could be another three months. Maybe longer the way they move. I can't keep my life on hold. I may sound like a horrible person, but I need closure."

"Are you moving out?"

"I'm giving myself space to heal. If you would give that to me, we can discuss my staying here. I can't move on if you don't."

"I can't give up on her. But I don't want you to leave, either."

"Then it looks like we have a stalemate." She turned around and grabbed more clothes, not even paying attention to what she was taking. She just made sure not to take any summer dresses.

When her arms were full, she threw the clothes onto the bed and went back into the closet and found her largest suitcase.

"We can make this work, Lyss." Chad begged her with his eyes.

She threw the luggage onto the bed. "No, we can't." She piled the clothes in, not bothering to fold them. "I can't do this. Not anymore. We've been together our entire lives and I'm sorry that it's come down to this, but we're obviously not made for each other anymore."

"What will Macy think when she comes home to find you gone?"

"She's not coming home! Don't you get that? She's never going to be back." She slammed the suitcase shut and zipped it, fighting tears.

"Alex needs you. I need you."

"Don't pull a guilt trip on me. If you really want to make this work, you'll pull your head out of your butt and face reality. Until then, I can't be here." She lifted the baggage with grunt.

"Let me help you with that."

"Stop! Just leave me alone." She put it on the floor and wheeled it out of the room.

"Where are you staying?"

"With a friend. Don't worry, I'll bring my charger."

"How can you do this?"

Alyssa turned around. "How can I do this? If you have to ask, you really don't get it. I'll see you later." She stopped in front of Alex's door. "Honey, I'm leaving. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay," came Alex's voice from the other side of the door.

She waited a moment and realized with a stinging sensation that he wasn't going to come out. "Talk to you then. I love you."

He said something, but it was too muffled to understand.

"You won't stay even for him?" Chad asked, still behind her.

"Not if you're going to be here. I can't handle it. Getting away was the best thing I've done for myself. You can think I'm selfish if you want. I really don't care anymore. Like I've already said too many times, this isn't something we can agree to disagree about."