Authors: Javier Cercas
‘It was about seven in the evening and I was in Amer, so I must have got to Font de la Pòlvora about half past seven. The neighbourhood gave me the same feeling as ever, a feeling of festering poverty and dirt; but the people, who packed the streets, seemed happy: I saw a group of children jumping on a dusty mattress, several women trying on dresses that were spilling out of a van, a group of men smoking and clapping along to a rumba. I soon found José and Juan’s Snack-Bar, on the ground floor of a building with a yellowish façade. I parked the car, walked past the snack-bar door and into the building.
‘In the hall I tried to turn on the light in the stairwell, but it didn’t work and I had to go up in the dark, feeling my way along the flaking walls. It smelled bad. When I got to the door of the flat Tere had indicated I pressed the bell, but it didn’t work either, and when I was about to knock on the door I noticed it wasn’t closed. I pushed it open, went down a tiny hallway and came out in a little living room; there was Tere, sitting in an old wingback chair, looking out the window with a blanket over her legs. I must have made a noise, because Tere turned towards me; recognizing me she smiled with a smile that had equal amounts of joy, surprise and weariness. Hiya, Gafitas, she said. That was fast. She brushed a hand over her dishevelled hair, trying to fix it up a bit, and added: Why didn’t you let me know you were going to come? I immediately realized something fundamental had changed in her, although I didn’t know what. She didn’t look well: she was very drawn, with big dark circles under her eyes and her bones very visible in her face; her lips, which had been red and full, were dry and pale, and she was breathing through her mouth. Instead of explaining that I showed up so quickly because she’d said to come as soon as possible, I asked: What are you doing here? What do you want me to do?, she answered, almost amused. This is where I live. But that place, in truth, did not look like a home; it looked more like an abandoned garage: the walls of the room were grey and covered in damp stains; there was no furniture apart from a formica table, a couple of chairs and, on the floor, in front of Tere, an old television set, which wasn’t on; also on the floor I saw newspaper pages, cigarette butts, an empty litre-bottle of Coca-Cola. Oblivious to the mess, Tere was in her bathrobe, with her hands folded in her lap; under the robe she was wearing a pink nightgown. Can you walk?, I asked. Tere looked at me questioningly; her eyes were a matte, lifeless green. You can’t stay here, I said. Tell me where your coat is and I’ll take you home. My words erased the joy from Tere’s face. I’m not going anywhere, Gafitas, she replied. I already told you I live here. I stared at her; she was very serious now. Come on, she said, gesturing vaguely. Grab that chair and sit down.
‘I sat down in front of her. I took her hands: they were just skin and bones, and they were cold; without saying anything, Tere stared out the window. Through the dirty panes I could see the backs of a couple of tower blocks where tons of garbage and useless stuff was piled up, some kids playing football in a vacant lot, and beyond that, tied to a post, an old work horse grazing in a field; dark, rocky-looking clouds covered the sky. I asked Tere if she was ill; she said no, she’d just had a bit of flu, she was on the mend now, that she was eating well and was well looked after. That’s what she said, but, since many explanations are less convincing than a single one, and since her appearance was not exactly healthy, I didn’t believe her. Julián would be there soon, she added. I didn’t ask who Julián was. There was a silence that lasted too long, and I unexpectedly broke it by asking her why she’d abandoned me after Zarco’s death, why she’d left without saying anything; I immediately regretted the question, but Tere seemed to think her answer through conscientiously. Before telling me she let go of my hands and leaned back in the armchair again. I don’t know, she answered; but she immediately contradicted herself: Besides, you wouldn’t understand either. As if in a hurry to change the subject she began talking about Font de la Pòlvra; Tere knew I went there once in a while – once in a very long while – for work, and at some point asked me how I saw the neighbourhood. As usual, I answered. The city changes but this place always stays the same. Tere nodded pensively; after a while she ran her tongue over her lips and smiled slightly. More or less like me, she said. I asked her what she meant. She shrugged, looked out the window for a moment and then looked back at me. Well, she said. I tried to change too, didn’t I? And immediately, undoubtedly because she noticed a trace of confusion or bewilderment on my face, she explained: To change, to be someone other than who I was, to be different. I tried. You know I did. I moved away, I tried to study, I went out with you, with Jordi, I don’t know . . . All for what. I was an idiot, I thought it would work. And here I am again. She paused, added: at Liang Shan Po. She smiled again, now with a broader almost cheerful smile, and, before I could get over my surprise, she asked: That’s what you used to call the prefabs, right? I didn’t answer, I didn’t ask her if she’d heard that from Zarco: after all nobody else could have told her. Tere unfolded her hands for a moment and with one of them gestured towards everything outside the window, the unredeemed misery of that ghetto where the last residents of the prefabs had been confined, just after the summer of ’78. She said: Well, here you have what’s left of Liang Shan Po. I hoped she’d go on, but she didn’t; all I could think of to say was: That Liang Shan Po thing is stupid. Tere replied: I told you you wouldn’t understand.
‘I was going to ask her again what she meant when she took the blanket off her legs and stood up. I have to go to the bathroom, she said. I stood up and, as I helped her to walk, I realized she was even thinner than she looked at first glance: I felt her shoulder blades and hipbones in my hands. There was no light in the bathroom and the toilet tank was broken. Fearing that she might fall, I asked her if she wanted me to stay in there with her, but she said no, handed me a plastic bowl and asked me to fill it with water from the kitchen. I did what she said and, while listening to her urinate behind the door, with the bowl in my hands, waiting for her to finish, I felt that I had to get her out of that place, not for her sake, but for mine. Since she seemed to be taking too long I asked if she was all right; her answer consisted of opening the door, taking the bowl from me and shutting herself in there again.
‘When she came out she’d washed her face and combed her hair. She held the bowl out to me and asked me to put it back in the kitchen. I was about to say: Let’s just go, Tere. You’re sick, you have to see a doctor. Put some clothes on and I’ll go get the car. But I waited, I didn’t say anything. I took the bowl, Tere started to walk on her own back to her armchair and wrapped herself back up in the blanket. She seemed very tired from the effort and stared out the window; the sky was even darker than before, but night hadn’t yet fallen. I left the basin in the kitchen and went back into the room. When she saw me, Tere said: Aren’t you going to ask me why I asked you to come over? I sat back down in front of her and reached for her hands again, but she pulled them away and folded her arms, as if she’d just got a sudden chill. What did you ask me here for? I asked. Tere let a few seconds pass; then she said, straight out: I gave you guys away. I heard the words, but didn’t understand their meaning; Tere repeated them. Knowing what she was talking about, I asked her what she was talking about.’
‘She was talking about the last robbery, no? The robbery of the Bordils branch of the Banco Popular.’
‘Right.’
‘She meant she was the one who gave them the tip-off.’
‘Right. I went quiet, silent, as if she’d told me she’d just seen a UFO or that she’d just been sentenced to the electric chair. Tere unfolded her arms and, as soon as she started to speak (slowly, with many pauses), I looked away from her and fixed my gaze beyond the window and the kids who were still playing football, on the horse that was ambling around his post. Tere assured me that what she’d said was the truth, repeated that it had been her who had informed the police and that’s why she’d made an excuse not to participate in that morning’s robbery. They scared me, she explained. They threatened me. Although if they’d only threatened me I wouldn’t have said anything. They threatened my mother and my sisters, threatened to take the kids away. They were fed up with us, especially fed up with Zarco. They wanted to catch him any way they could; for his own sake and because they knew that, if they caught him, the gang would be finished. They put me between a rock and a hard place. I knew that sooner or later they’d catch us; and I also knew that Zarco would never suspect me and that, if by some miracle he found out that I’d snitched on you, he wouldn’t do anything to me. Not to me. So I ended up giving in. What choice did I have? The question hung in the air for a few seconds. I was stunned: I didn’t know what to think, except that what Tere said was true. How could it not be? What interest could Tere have in lying about it, and so many years later at that? What could she possibly gain from accusing herself of such a thing? Only I insisted on one condition, she continued. And they agreed. This time she waited for me to ask the question, but I didn’t. The condition was that they’d let you escape, she said. I looked away from the window and stared at her. Me?, I asked. Tere touched the beauty spot beside her nose. I had to choose someone and I couldn’t choose Zarco, she explained. I told you already: they weren’t going to let Zarco escape; you they would. She paused. You understand, right?, she said. That morning the cops weren’t after you. Even if Zarco hadn’t stopped at La Devesa they wouldn’t have caught you; and if they had caught you they would have let you go pretty soon. That was the deal I made with them. And those kinds of deals are kept. You know better than I do.
‘That was it: I did know; but I still didn’t know what to think, or what to say. I said: Why are you telling me this now? Why didn’t you tell me before? Tere answered: Because before Zarco was alive and I didn’t want you telling him. She added: And because I don’t want you to keep thinking something that isn’t true. I want you to know the truth; and the truth is that you never owed Zarco a thing. Tere sat there looking at me expectantly for a few seconds. Since I didn’t say anything she asked: Are you mad at me? Why would I be?, I answered. Didn’t you say you saved me? Yeah, she said. But before that I snitched on you. You and everybody. And on top of that I let everybody believe that the one who snitched was you. What were you going to do?, I replied, shrugging. First you had no choice but to give us up; then you had no choice but to keep quiet about having given us up. Besides, I continued, after a pause: Do you know how many years ago that happened? Thirty. It doesn’t matter to anyone any more. The ones it could have mattered to are dead now. Zarco’s dead. Everybody’s dead. Everybody except you and me. Tere listened to me attentively, I don’t know whether relieved or sceptical, and when I finished talking turned back towards the window. I looked at her sharp profile, at her very pale cheeks and temples, blue networks of veins showing through. Before I could go on, Tere said: Look. It’s raining.
‘I looked: a heavy, slow shower was falling from the sky, chasing the boys off the vacant lot; the horse, however, stood motionless under the rain. I pulled my chair up closer to Tere’s until our knees were touching, and just when I was about to speak I noticed that her left leg was still, quietened, without its perpetual piston movement. All of a sudden I was sure that was the change I’d noticed when I saw her, and that change changed everything. Tere, I said, taking her hands again. She seemed absorbed by the rain, exhausted by the confession she’d just made. I repeated her name; she turned and looked at me. Do you remember the Vilaró arcade?, I asked her. Do you remember the first time we saw each other? Tere waited for me to continue. Do you know the first thing I thought when I saw you? There was silence. I thought you were the most gorgeous girl in the world. And do you know what I think now? Another silence. That you’re the most gorgeous girl in the world. Tere smiled with her eyes, but not with her lips. Let me take you to a hospital, I said. Then we’ll go home. Nothing will happen to you. I’ll take care of you. And we won’t be apart again. I promise you. Tere listened to me without batting an eyelid, without losing the smile. When I finished speaking she let a few seconds pass, took a deep breath, sat up a little, took my cheeks in her hands and kissed me; her lips didn’t taste of anything. Then she said: You have to get going, Gafitas. Julián will be here any minute.
‘She didn’t say anything else. I didn’t insist. I knew it was futile. We sat there opposite each other, looking out the window in silence while the room gradually grew dark; outside, abandoned beneath the rain, the dray horse seemed to look back at us with an almost human gaze. After a while Tere said again that I should leave. I stood up and asked if I could do anything for her. Tere moved her head almost imperceptibly from one side to the other, before she said no. We’re leaving the day after tomorrow, she added. I looked at the chaotic disarray of the flat and noticed the plural. Where to? I asked. Tere shrugged. Somewhere, she said. Then I thought I wasn’t going to see her again and took a step towards her. Please, Gafitas, said Tere, holding up one hand. I stopped, stood still there for a couple of seconds, staring at her, as if the suspicion had suddenly hit me that this image of Tere, ill, sitting in that wingback chair, in that desolate flat in that miserable neighbourhood, wearing a blue bathrobe and frayed nightgown, pale, drawn and exhausted, was going to supplant all the others I had of her for the rest of my life, and my memory had already started to struggle against that flagrant injustice. Until, without another word, I turned and left.
‘A violent downpour was falling over Font de la Pòlvora when I walked out of Tere’s building.
‘That night and the next two days were agonizing. I didn’t want to phone Tere or return to Font de la Pòlvora, but I sent her several texts. At first she answered. I asked her how she was and if she needed anything and she answered that she didn’t need anything and that she was fine. The last text she sent me said: “I’m better, Gafitas. The doctor’s given me the all-clear. I’m off. Bye.” I replied congratulating her, asking her where she was and where she was going, but she didn’t answer me any more. Once the first moment of frustration was over, I calmed down, and then the anguish turned into a bittersweet feeling: on the one hand I thought I wouldn’t see Tere again, that this was the end of the story and everything that had to happen to me had now happened to me; but on the other hand I thought I finally knew the truth and that, now, everything did fall into place. The calmness – or at least the calming sensation that everything fell into place – didn’t last long. One of those nights, while I was having a drink at home before going to bed, I was struck by a doubt. I spent most of the night battling it, and the first thing I did the next morning when I got to the office was ask my secretary to find me Inspector Cuenca’s phone number. I suppose I’ve told you that after the summer of ’78 the inspector and I still saw each other.’