Out of the Dark (27 page)

She took a deep breath and made herself relax. It was okay. She wasn’t alone. Then she looked at Luke again, this time from a different perspective. There was a faint light coming through the windows, as well as a pale yellow glow from the night-light in the bathroom. In the shadows, he took on a completely different persona—one that she’d shied away from looking at before. But now, when he was unaware that she was looking, she sat and gazed her fill.

His feet were bare, as was his chest. She could tell from the strain of muscles against his pants that his body was very well toned. Unlike Raphael, his face was not perfect, but there was a strength and assurance in it that Raphael would never have had. It came from always knowing who he was, and that he was loved.

His hair was thick and dark, and she wondered what it would feel like to touch. Would it be springy, or would it curl around her fingers? Her gaze slid to the waistband of his pants. He’d undone the button, but not the zipper. The waist lay slack against his belly. She wondered if his legs were as long as they looked, and then suddenly imagined him naked.

An odd, unfamiliar ache suddenly drew at the muscles deep in her belly, hitting quick and hard and making her breath catch in the back of her throat.

She clasped her hands to her mouth, quickly stifling a soft groan. She’d seen Raphael naked before. It had never made her feel this way. So she sat and she stared until her fingers began to twitch. Quietly she crawled out of bed, got her sketch pad and her pencil from the floor beneath the table, and then got back into bed. Sitting cross-legged on the mattress, she began to draw.

Luke didn’t know how long he’d been aware of the sound, but he thought it had been penetrating his dreams for some time. It was an intermittent scratch—like a rat trying to eat through the outer wrappings of a box—interspersed with the sounds of someone’s breath. Without moving, he opened his eyes, and then he saw her.

Jade was awake, and not only that, she was drawing. At first he thought she’d had another bad dream and was drawing the face, as he’d seen her do before. But then he realized that every so often she would glance over at him, study him for a moment, then return her attention to the drawing pad. She was drawing
him.

He didn’t move and tried not to change the pattern of his breathing. It was strange, knowing that she was looking at him without really seeing—oblivious to the fact that he was watching her face.

And such a face. Expressive—shaded with the lingering remnants of exhaustion—yet still so very beautiful. Her hair was a jumble around her face, and her clothes were all crumpled, as if she’d slept in them, which she had.

And so Luke turned the tables on Jade and, unbeknownst to her, became the voyeur.

Jade’s back was starting to ache. It was the first sign she had of how long she’d been bent over the drawing pad without proper light or a table. She looked at the drawing one last time, swiped the charcoal pencil sideways on the paper to give a darker shadow to the valley between Luke’s pecs, and then stifled a groan as she stretched.

“Are you through?”

She gasped. Luke’s eyes were open.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Long enough.”

Luke sat up, then stretched his arms above his head and yawned.

Again that funny ache dug a little deeper into Jade’s belly. Suddenly the room was too crowded and too warm.

“May I see?” he asked.

Jade closed the drawing pad and then tossed it and the pencil on the floor on the other side of the bed.

“It’s not finished,” she said, then made a face at the mess on her hands. “Charcoal. I need to wash.” She got up slowly, keeping her distance from Luke.

He listened to the sound of running water in the bathroom, then waited for her to come out. The silence afterward was long and deafening, but she didn’t appear.

“Jade?”

“What?” she called.

“Do you want me to leave?”

The door flew open. She was standing in the doorway with her hands clutched against her belly.

“No.”

“Then come back to bed. You must be exhausted.”

Still she stood.

He got up. “Is something wrong? Are you ill? If you are, I can call Sam. He said to let him know if—”

“No. I’m not ill.”

He sat back down to give her space and tried to smile.

“Good. So if you’re not sleepy, do you want to talk? Or maybe you’re hungry? I’ll bet you haven’t eaten.”

“I’m not hungry.”

He sighed in frustration. “I’m running out of questions. You’re going to have to give me some hints.”

She took one step into the room, then stopped in the moonlight. The breath caught in the back of Luke’s throat.

“Do you know how truly beautiful you are?”

“We never see ourselves as others see us,” she said, then started to tremble. It was what she had wanted to hear, but she didn’t know if she should be afraid of where it would lead.

“I was very afraid for you when you left the house today.”

“I know,” Luke said. “But I was a cop for years before I began Kelly Security. I knew what I was doing.”

“That doesn’t absolve us of worry.”

“I know. I’m sorry you were frightened. Would you like to sit down?” Luke asked.

She crossed the floor quickly and then jumped into bed. But now she was closer than ever. She could smell his body heat. It had always been something that triggered bad memories. However, in this instance, she still felt anxious, but in a different way.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Luke asked.

“Yes.”

A small word, yet as painful as a kick to the gut. “Sorry. Maybe if I put on my shirt?”

“No. Leave it off,” she said, and was thankful for the shadows that hid the sudden flash of heat on her face. “What I meant was…it’s too hot to sleep in your clothes.”

Luke grinned. “You are.”

Her mouth dropped as she looked down at herself in disbelief. Then she fixed him with a cool, pointed stare.

“You’re making me crazy,” she muttered.

The smile died on Luke’s face. “Yeah? Well, join the club.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Luke said, and this time he was the one to stomp into the bathroom and close the door.

Jade’s eyes teared up. She’d made him mad, but she didn’t know why. Damn it, this man/woman stuff was something she should have learned years ago. She flopped backward on the bed, then rolled over on her side and squinched her eyes tightly shut. It was stupid and awful of her to be thinking like this when Raphael was dead.

Why, honey girl? There’s nothing stupid about you except your refusal to admit that you can sometimes be wrong.

She opened her eyes with a jerk. Although she knew it was impossible, she would have sworn she’d just heard Raphael.

The toilet flushed on the other side of the door; then she heard the shower go on. She thumped her fist against a pillow and then settled a little deeper into the covers. Just when her heart had stopped rattling against her ribs and her pulse was settling into a normal rhythm, she heard him again.

I can’t live with you anymore, honey girl. But he can. Trust him. Trust yourself. It’s all you have left.

Jade sat up in bed, her face streaked with tears.
Oh Rafie…I feel lost without you.

No, you don’t. You just feel different. It’s time you let go of the past and grabbed hold of the future.

Is Luke my future?

There was a long stretch of silence, and then she heard Raphael’s voice as clearly as if he were standing beside her.

Don’t ask me. I can’t feel what’s in your heart.

You can’t?

No. Not anymore. I’m gone. You’re not. Live for the both of us, baby. Live long and prosper, and make me proud.

I love you, Rafie.

I know. I loved you, too.

Jade shuddered, unprepared for his answer to come in the past tense.

She heard the shower go off, then the sound of a sliding door. She closed her eyes and fisted her hands, picturing his wet, naked body as he emerged from the tub.

She wanted to know what it was like to make love and enjoy it, even revel in it, the way women were supposed to do. There had been nothing but violation in her life, and then, only as a child. Would she ever be able—as a grown woman—to be that intimate with a man?

Then the bathroom door opened. Luke came out freshly showered but once again wearing his slacks.

“I think it would be a good idea if I slept in the adjoining bedroom. I won’t be far. All you have to do is just call my name and I’ll come running, okay?”

She nodded.

Luke wanted to touch her but settled for a smile as he walked into the other room.

Jade leaned over the side of the bed, watching as he pulled back the bedclothes and then tossed a couple of pillows against the headboard. She saw him start to undo his pants, then stop. His shoulders slumped; then he sat down on the side of the bed, put his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. He looked so lost. So sad. So hurt. It hurt her heart to realize that he was feeling this way and that she might be partly responsible. She wanted to go to him, to put her arms around him and coax a smile back on his face. With that moment of understanding came another, even more frightening, and that was when she knew.

“Um…Luke?”

“Yeah?”

She had expected him to come into the room. Instead, he was still sitting on the bed—still staring at the floor. She sighed. He wasn’t making this easy.

“Luke!”

His voice rose. “Yes?”

“Damn it, Luke. I called your name. You’re supposed to come running.”

Seconds later Luke was standing in the door, staring at her face in disbelief.

“What are you saying?” When she didn’t answer, he tried again. “Let me rephrase that. What aren’t you saying?”

“I’m not telling you that I want you to sleep with me.”

He frowned. “Okay. I told you I was fine sleeping in the other bed.”

She rolled her eyes and thumped the bed with both fists.

“I don’t know how to do this,” she muttered. “You’re going to have to help me.”

Suddenly contrite, he sat down on the side of her bed.

“I’m sorry, baby. Maybe I’m punchy from lack of sleep, too, but I don’t know what you’re trying to do. Of course I’ll help you. That goes without saying.”

Jade rocked back on her heels. “Are you sure?”

“Of course. You name it.”

“It’s something I’ve never done before…at least not as a grown woman.”

She looked up at him then, studying the contours of his features, as well as the shadows beneath, and saw a face that she knew she could love. What remained to be seen was if she could give to him that which he so deserved.

“I’ve never been in love before, so I’m not sure what it feels like. But I think it might be happening.”

Luke felt as if he’d been poleaxed. His ears were ringing, and his head was feeling light. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out except a groan.

Jade frowned. “Isn’t this where you’re supposed to say something? Anything? Maybe a thank you, but no thank you? Even a ‘Really, my dear, I had no idea’ would be preferable to this.”

“Help me, Jesus,” Luke mumbled, and then felt his lips to see if they’d moved or if he’d just thought the quick prayer.

Jade was frowning. He figured he’d better say something fast, even if it was wrong.

“I’m not so sure that I’m not still in that bed in there, and that I’ve already gone to sleep and what I’m hearing is just a dream.”

Jade shifted nervously. She didn’t know whether what he’d said was a good sign or not, but just in case it was, she took a chance and brushed the flat of her hand across his chest.

Luke couldn’t have been more shocked if she’d punched him in the gut. He grabbed her hand, then lifted it to his lips. She tasted awfully sweet and way too solid to be a dream.

“Okay, since this is my dream,” Luke said, “I’m going to unload it all. I’ve been falling in love with you since I first saw you in New Orleans, sitting on the floor in the middle of those kids and drawing pictures on their faces. Not only that, but I dream about making love to you all the time. Only I understand how you feel about men, and I want you to know that I would wait a lifetime on the chance that you might one day change your mind.”

Jade felt as if all the bones in her body had suddenly gone missing. Oh God. So this was what it felt like to want someone to touch you so much that it ached.

“This isn’t a dream,” Jade said. “And what I want is for us to make love…or at least try. I don’t know if I can do this. I want to, but I don’t know what’s going to happen. It might set off all kinds of alarm bells from my past, and if it does, please know that it’s not because of anything you did. It will be because of what someone else has already done.”