Our Gang (27 page)

were too shy or too timid to speak it with our lips

while he walked among

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us in a business suit. And how appropriate that it is

a name even a puppy could bear, for we all

remember as much as anything about him, the deep

reverence he had for dogs.

The name was a simple one, my friends. The

name was Tricky. Yes, to you, to me, and to all

Americans for generations to come, Tricky he was

and Tricky he shall be.

And now, all heads bowed and every eye closed,

let us pray. Oh God, who alone art ever merciful in

sparing of punishment, humbly we pray Thee on

behalf of Thy servant, a man called Tricky .. .

* 6

On the Comeback Trail;

or, Tricky in Hell

My fellow Fallen:

Let me say at the outset that I of course agree

with much of what Satan has said here tonight in his

opening statement. I know that Satan feels as deeply

as I do about what has to be done to make

Wickedness all that it can and should be in the

creation. For let there be no mistake about it: we are

engaged in a deadly competition with the Kingdom

of Righteousness. There isn't any question in my

mind but that the God of Peace is out, as He

Himself has said, "to crush" us "under His feet,"

and that He and His gang of angels will stop at

nothing to accomplish this end. I could not agree

more with Satan when he says that our goal is not

just to keep Wickedness for ourselves, but to extend

it to all creation, because that is Hell's destiny. To

extend it to all creation because the aim of the

Righteous is not just to hold their own, but to

extend Righteousness. But we cannot be victorious

over Righteousness with a strategy of simply

holding the line. My disagreement with Satan then is

not about the goals for Hell, but about the means to

reach those goals.

Now Satan has said that we are ahead in this

competition with Righteousness. I cannot agree

with that appraisal of the situation. As I look at Hell

today, I believe that we are following programs of

an outdated leadership. I believe we are following

programs many of which have not worked in the

past and will not work in the future. I say that the

programs and leadership that have failed under

Satan's administration are not the programs and the

leadership that Hell needs now. I say that the

damned and the doomed do not want to go back to

the policies of the Garden of Eden. I say that the

Sons and Daughters of Disobedience deserve a

Devil of consummate depravity, a Devil who will

devote himself not to old and worn-out iniquities,

but to bold new programs in Evil that will overturn

God's kingdom and plunge men into eternal death.

What we need down here is not just high hopes.

What we need is crafty wiles and untiring zeal. In

the field of executive leadership, I believe it is

essential that the Devil not only set the tone, but he

also must lead; he must act as he talks.

Frankly, I don't think this is the kind of leadership

we have been getting. Now since my arrival I

have traveled to the very edges of the outer

darkness. I have been down to the bottom of the

bottomless pit. I have been burned in the unquenchable

fire and have joined you in the comfortless

gloom. I have talked to sinners from all

walks of life. I have eaten with degenerates and

blasphemed with the impious. I have looked into

the eyes of the depraved and the malicious. I have

familiarized myself with viciousness and baseness of

all kinds. And one thing I have noted as I have

traveled from one end of Hell to the other is the

wonderful belief our people have in Wickedness. I

tell you, with great pride, that I have never seen

anything to equal our corruption. And that is why I

don't think we have to settle for second best. I don't

think we have to settle for anything less than a Devil

who is the very embodiment of malice. And I

humbly submit to you, the denizens of the greatest

infernal region in all creation, that if elected, I would

be that kind of Devil.

I was fortunate enough to hear an awful lot of

weeping and gnashing of teeth on my trip around

Hell, and I think the strongest impression I came

away with was this: that you lost souls out there are

just as sick and tired as I am

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of hearing the Devil downgraded and Hell itself

dismissed as "old-fashioned" and "out-of-date."

Well, maybe it is "old-fashioned" in some circles,

but to those of us who live here, Hell happens to be

home. And dating back as it does to the beginning

of time, it happens to have been home to some of

the most illustrious names in history. And I think

that with that kind of history and that kind of

record, it is high time we put Hell back on the map,

and high time the Devil was given his due.

Now I can only say, in this regard, that maybe

Satan is satisfied with the fact that at least one half

of the people presently on earth-and I know this

because I just came from there-at least one half of

those people no longer believe in the existence of

Hell, let alone its influence in world affairs. And

maybe Satan is satisfied that the Devil, the highest

official in the underworld, once the very symbol of

nefariousness to millions, is considered in the upper

regions to have absolutely no power at all over the

decisions made there by men. And maybe Satan is

satisfied when at least two thirds of the children in

the world go to bed at night without any fear of fire

or brimstone, or an undying worm gnawing at the

heart. Incidentally, in that connection, they don't

even fear the pitchfork. And maybe that's all right

with Satan, too. However, let me make my position

very clear. It's not all right with me.

Maybe Satan is satisfied with the status quo; well,

I'm not. I say that when Hell is nothing more than a

dirty word in the mouths of most people living

today, then something is wrong, and something has

to be done about it.

What has happened to "the Devil's net" we used

to hear so much about? My fellow Fallen, it is full of

holes.

What has happened to "the power of the Devil"

that used to terrify the hearts of men? My fellow

Fallen, it has run out of steam.

And when was the last time you heard the phrase

"the work of Satan"? Can you even remember?

Maybe that's because after all these millennia in

office, Satan is satisfied with the status quo.

But I'm not. I say the Devil's work is never done.

I say he has a responsibility to get up there among

the living and wage war against the forces of

Righteousness. I say he has a responsibility to the

denizens of Hell, and to all souls everywhere who

aspire to Wickedness, to oppose truth with

falsehood. I say he has a responsibility to obscure

light with darkness. I say he has a responsibility to

entangle men's minds in error. I say he has a

responsibility to stir up hatred. I say lie has a

responsibility to kindle contentions and combats.

And I say any Devil who does less than this is not

deserving of the title "Prince of Darkness," and

does serious harm to the power

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and prestige of Hell and to the security of the

Wicked everywhere.

Now you may answer, "That is all fine and

dandy, Mr. President, but what qualifications do

you bring with you to the job of being a responsible

Devil?"

I know as well as you do the claims my opponent

makes for his experience in office. I know what has

been written in grudging tribute of him, by no less

than our own adversaries in Heaven. "When Satan

lies," they say, "he speaks according to his own

nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies." And let

there be no mistake about my position on this issue:

I have the highest regard for his long and

distinguished record as a liar. I know that I, like so

many of you out there in the fires and down there in

the pit, owe a deep debt of gratitude to the example

of his never-say-die spirit, where lying is concerned.

To interject a personal note, you know I was

born an opportunist, out in California, and during

my years in public life I had the privilege of

wheeling and dealing with other opportunists as

well. And I think I speak for all opportunists when

I say that Satan has been a constant source of

inspiration to us from time immemorial, in good

times and in bad. Surely I would want it

understood throughout this campaign, that I respect

not only the tenacity with which he lies,

but his sincerity in lying. And of course I would

hope that he would agree that I am just as sincere in

my lying as he is in his.

But let me make one thing perfectly clear. Much

as I respect and admire his lies, I don't think that

lies are something to stand on. I think they are

something to build on. I don't think anyone, man or

demon, can ever rely upon the lies he has told in the

past, bold and audacious as they may have been at

the time, to distort today's realities. We live in an era

of rapid and dramatic change. My own experience

has shown that yesterday's lies are just not going to

confuse today's problems. You cannot expect to

mislead people next year the way you misled them a

year ago, let alone a million years ago. And that is

why, with all due respect to my opponent's experience,

I say we need a new administration in Hell, an

administration with new horns, new half-truths, new

horrors and new hypocrisies. I say we need a new

commitment to Evil, new stratagems and

contrivances to make our dream of a totally fallen

world a reality.

And now let me say a word to those who point

to my own record as President of the United States

and contend that it is less than it could have been,

as regards suffering and anguish for all of the

people, regardless of race, creed or color. Let me

remind these critics that I happen to have held that

high office for less than one term before I was

assassinated. Now not even Satan, I think, with the

support of all his legions, would claim that he could

bring a nation with a strong democratic tradition

and the highest standard of living in the world to

utter ruination in only a thousand days. Indeed,

despite my brief tenure in the "White" House, I