Ophelia (15 page)

“Thank you.” It was all I could say at the time. I still didn’t know where she was going with this.

“I talked to Bev about moving to San Diego. At first she admitted to being scared, but the idea soon appealed her and she was more than excited about selling you on it. She sent her application to the University of San Diego and I contacted them about a scholarship they wanted to offer you. I’m sorry I interfered with your life like that, but I was on a mission to save you and that’s what your mother would have wanted. That morning when Beverly suggested a move in California, everything was already planned. I don’t want you angry at her, I’m the responsible one here.”

“What about Teodore? Was he real or part of your plan?”

She chuckled. “No, he was a surprise. A definite surprise. We didn’t see it coming and we had to change a few things. The idea of you and my daughter moving away with a stranger didn’t exactly fit with what we had in mind. He was at the center for a misdemeanor too. It wasn’t anything to take lightly. When he was released from the center, I had Beverly contact him and we met with him. We invited him over for dinner. He had a split lip and a swollen eye when he arrived. His first impression kind of bummed me. I never expected him to show up looking like that. He said he had issues with his father. Then, when he first saw your house, he wanted to burn it down, saying that it was your wish. He was so determined to make you happy. Yes, he had a past that wasn’t so far away from present, but I could see that his actions were not coming from him directly. His father had a terrible influence on him and his mother, at the time, was hospitalized. He was a eighteen-year-old trying to save himself from the path his father had for him. He showed us how smart he was and we tried to convince him to get his life back together. By the end of the night, we agreed to let him move with you girls. I didn’t think there was anything stopping him anyway, or you for the matter. He wanted to be with his Lia. He was head over heels in love with you and all he wanted was to make sure you and Beverly were safe. He even slept over that night, but he left early in the morning to meet with you before school.”

“So you were all on a mission, save Ophelia, the miserable orphan.” I tried to digest everything she had said, but it meant too much. My future had been secretly planned out. I understood that Misha had to make sure Teo was a good person. It was her role as a mother and I appreciated it. But the part about forcing this idea of moving all the way to California was a bit bigger to process.

“Just remember how much you wanted to leave when it happened. We guided you. Maybe I should say, we strongly guided you, but I think it was for the best.”

“Yeah, I don’t know, maybe.” I mumbled, finishing the last piece of my roll. I needed some time alone to think. “I’m going to head out. I have a few things I want to take care of.” My voice sounded cold and distant, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I was in shock. I had to focus on the good, and automatically I had the image of my post-it reminding me of everything I cared about. I’m healthy, I have Beverly and Teo, although their names left me confused. I still had me.

“Do you need a ride?”

“No, I’ll be fine. I need air.”

She nodded. Misha had to know I would react to everything she had just said. It wasn’t meant to be easily forgotten. For ten years, I had been kept out of this secret. Why did they wait so long?”

“Are you feeling okay? Do you need your medication before you leave?”

My throat tightened. I was overwhelmed by emotions.  I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t control it anymore. Misha saw it coming and she placed her arms around me.

“My beautiful girl. I’m so proud of what you became, never doubt that.” She kissed my hair. “I’m sorry about the baby and the accident. I wish I could take it all away for you. I can’t even imagine the pain you must feel.”

“Why did life had to take away from me the only life I was given?” I sobbed into her arms.

“Don’t say that, Lia. It will happen, it will happen again. You’re young, you are healthy and strong. Have faith.”

I cried, letting go of my emotions. I was done trying to hold them in. Crying made me feel better. I just wished I didn’t feel so weak.

***

Brooklyn.

Was it the end of my old life or the beginning of my new life?

Did I lose everything or did I win everything I needed to pursue my life?

Questions. Endless questions haunting every inch of my mind.

Hammering my sanity with doubt.

It may not be the end or the beginning. Maybe it’s just the continuation.

***

T
he memories of my life here were slowly catching up with me. It made me miss Beverly even more. Growing up I’d never thought I would move on the West Coast, but life had different plans for me. And my friends too. My mind understood the reasons behind their decisions, but my heart had been backhanded. I couldn’t understand why it hurt me that way, but it did. I felt like they had lied to me.

I was walking down the street when I realized that my hand rested over my belly. The baby was no longer in me, but I felt the need to touch, only to remember. There was once a life there, and I hoped that one day, a new life would come to be in my belly. It saddened me still. Everything had changed that day, but I had to trust life enough to believe that things between Teo and me would be alright, eventually.

I stopped by the florist to get roses for my parents and Teo’s mother. All three of them rested at the Evergreens Cemetery. It had been way too long since I visited them. I had so many things to tell them. Even though I talked to my parents all the time, it had been years since I had visited them here.

I caught a taxi. The driver kept trying to talk, but my mind was already fixed on what was coming. The day had started with a revelation, nothing that I expected, and I hoped the rest of the day would be easier.

My wrist hurt, a sign that I needed my medication soon. I hadn’t tried to play piano since my return from the hospital. The reality scared me. Would I be able to play again? At the moment, moving my fingers caused a stabs of pain. I hated the cast, it was too big and uncomfortable.

The taxi driver dropped me at the entrance of the cemetery. I walked through hundreds of gravestones trying to find Teo’s mother’s first.  I ended up asking for help because there were too many and it was impossible to find her. The man looked into the registry and guided me, gave me the directions.

I had never met her, but out of respect and love for Teo, I had to do this. The emotion I felt when I walked to her grave confused me. I felt sadness over someone I didn’t know. Teo loved her, and his feelings meant everything to me. Each time he mentioned her name, his eyes became sad and empty. He probably missed her just as much as I missed my parents. We’d both suffered from the loss of a loved one, although I felt selfish for never listening him or trying to comfort him. He acted strong, but I realized it wasn’t possible for a person not to feel sad. I had to remind myself to talk to him about this. In our future, I had some growing up to do. I wanted to be good for him.

As soon as I spotted Rosalina’s name on the marble, I stopped mid-track. What I saw below her name gave me the creeps. Calvino Teodore De Luca, October 30th, 1986 – June 2014. I noticed the missing day. Why his name would be engraved on a gravestone if he was still very much alive.  I grabbed my phone, took a picture and sent it to him with a message, care to explain why you are supposed to be dead?

All I could think was that I hated seeing his name where it didn’t belong. I hated to think that somewhere in Brooklyn people thought he was dead.

My phone vibrated a couple of seconds later. I unlocked it with trembling fingers. I’d had had enough crappy news in one day. I could barely keep my head above water.

Teo: My father probably thinks I’m dead, Ophelia. I’ll explain everything. Are you okay?

No, no, no. I don’t want another explanation filled with secrets which had been kept from me. Why are these people so sure they have to lie to me to protect me? I wasn’t made of porcelain. I fought against every lie presented to me. As I placed the roses on top of the stone, I prayed for her, asked her to protect us and wish us well.

As soon as I turned around to find my parents places, the music of Jeff Buckley came alive. Teo was calling me. I shut my phone down, I didn’t want to hear it. I needed a break, I needed to digest everything that had been said to me earlier today.

I walked and cried. My injuries screamed at me with agony. My head was throbbing, my ribs too. I hadn’t brought my medication with me so I had to endure.

The cemetery was empty, the birds were chirpings. Regardless of my sobs, it was peaceful. The landscape was great for a graveyard. I stood before the Stewart stone. I had only seen it once and it remained exactly how I remembered.

'Always in our thoughts, forever in our hearts' was written at the bottom of the stone. I broke down, fell on my knees and I let it all out. The ugly tears, the emotions I’d kept trapped. Finally, I was reunited with my parents. “I screwed everything up, Mom. I don’t think you would be proud of me now.” The words escaped from my mouth. There were so many things I wanted to tell my mom and my dad. I never thought I would start with my mistakes. “I need you to show me the way to go, Mom.” I begged her. All I knew at that moment was that I wanted Teo back. What we had meant everything to me, I had to talk to him soon. Not today, I was already overwhelmed, but soon.

I sat, crossed my legs and stared at the stone. I placed the flowers on the ground, trying to calm down. “I did it, Daddy. I achieved every goal I had set for myself. I went to Sydney.” I smiled briefly before the tears returned. “You would’ve been proud of everything I achieved, Daddy. I did it for you. For us.” I looked at my wrist, hidden under a cast, and prayed it wouldn’t stop me from playing. It was beginning to worry me since the pain never went away unless I took pain killers.

“Misha told me everything. Everything she’s done to guide me or influence me. I don’t know what to think about it. Is it okay? Is it not? I can’t think straight. I’m exhausted because I have all these things haunting my thoughts. What the hell?” I punched on the ground. “I think I’m going crazy, I really am.” I said out loud, almost in a scream.

I forced myself to take deep breath. My head hurt as if it was about to crack open.  I fell silent. I closed my eyes and let my brain wander. The voice of Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah resonated in my mind and I started humming quietly. I could remember listening to his soothing voice with my mother. My mom loved his music. She would always listen to his album when doing the laundry or when relaxing on a Saturday morning.

Serenely, my thoughts went back to Misha and Beverly and everything they had done make sure I was heading in the right direction. They both wanted to see me doing well, making progress. They didn’t want me to hurt alone. They had done this for me, because they loved me. They were the closest thing I had to a family and through the years, it felt like they had adopted me, accepted me since my own parents were gone. Their intentions were good. A small smiled appeared on my lips, in between the tears on my cheeks. Love can make you do things sometimes. Being mad at them wasn’t an option. When Misha told me, I’d been shocked. I never expected her to tell me anything like this.

My heart was free and my body relaxed for the first time in what felt like forever. My back pressed against the cool grass. It had been hours since I first arrived here and finally, I was feeling better. Better in a way I never thought possible. I guessed I really needed to come here after all. Maybe I shouldn’t wait ten years next time.

The sun began to set and next thing I knew I had millions of stars watching over me. My eyes were tired, my body was numbed by the ache, but for once my mind was free. I wasn’t worried or scared anymore, only tired from years of restless sleep. I let myself go, dozed off in the cemetery with no idea of the time. It grew later, late enough for the surroundings to become dark and quiet. Once in a while a shiver ran over my body, but other than that, everything was perfect.

“It’s okay, Ophelia, it’s okay.” I heard a voice I had missed too much.

“Daddy, what are you doing here?” He looked young and well. Smiling. “We just wanted to tell you how inspiring you became and how proud we are of you.” My mom appeared from nowhere, standing next to my father.  ”You'll be a great mother someday, Ophelia. Everything happens for a reason and when the time comes, you'll both be ready.” Her words stayed in my mind, constantly replaying, as I analyzing them. “Come honey, it’s time to go.” My dad turned around, holding my mom's hand. “No, stay. I want you to stay,” I asked them, but they couldn't hear me. “Mom... Dad... Please.” I begged them to stay but they were gone and my eyes opened.

“Ophelia, are you okay?”

Jarrod's face stood few inches away from mine. He looked worried. “Misha, I found her.”

“Oh! Thank God.” I heard Misha’s voice, she wasn’t near us.

He placed his arms beneath me and lifted me into his arms, carrying me to their car. My arms were heavy and my body weak.

“She’s warm. Maybe she has a fever or something,” Jarrod told her.

“Ophelia, you need to take your medication, okay, sweetheart?”

Jarrod put me in the back of the car next to Misha, who pulled me into her arms.

Why are they so worried about me anyway? I fell back asleep and only woke up when Jarrod parked the car. He opened the door and bent down to help me out, but I insisted on doing it myself. As soon as I stood, I understood why they were worried. Dizziness invaded me.

“I have to take my medication.”

Each of them took a side and they walked me in the house, directly to Beverly’s bedroom.  Misha helped me out of my humid clothes and into dry ones. My lips were shuddering.

“Almost done, Lia.” She tried to encourage me as I put on Teo’s t-shirt. I then sat on the bed before lying down.

Smalls knocks on the door.

“Come in.”

Jarrod had a tall glass of water with my different bottles of medication. Misha took them from him and read each of the bottles to give me the right amount. “Lia, you missed your mid-day and night dose. No wonder why you aren’t feeling well.”