One Secret Summer (64 page)

‘Oh, Niela … no. You’re imagining it, surely?’ Distress rose in her, sharp and swift.

‘I’m not imagining it,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m not stupid. I know I don’t say very much, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see
what’s going on.’

‘But … but have you asked Josh?’

Niela shook her head. ‘I tried to, before he left, but he just got angry. I know it sounds absurd. Silly, even. But I
know
. I just know.’

‘How? How can you tell?’

Niela brought her hands up to her face. ‘I know what living with a secret is like. I’ve been living with one for the past
four years and I know what it does to me. I see it in Josh. I can see what he’s going through.’

‘What secret are you talking about? What sort of secret?’ Diana heard her own voice as if from far away.

Niela took a deep breath. ‘I’m married, Diana.’ She lifted her head and looked straight at her.

Diana frowned. ‘Of course you’re married. You and Josh …’

Niela shook her head slowly from side to side. ‘No, not Josh. I was married before. I still
am
married. Legally. I never got divorced.’

Diana stared at Niela, unable to think of a single thing to say. She’d known all along that there was something different
about this girl that Josh had brought so suddenly and unexpectedly into their home. She felt herself gripped by an unspecified
panic. She wanted to continue the conversation, and in a way she’d never before experienced, she wanted to unburden herself.
‘What do you mean, you’re still legally married?’

‘An arranged marriage,’ Niela said quietly. ‘To a relative of my father’s. We were married in Vienna, eight years ago. I never
got divorced. I just ran away.’

Diana stared at her. ‘H … how did you marry Josh?’ she asked finally, though she knew full well the answer.

Niela shrugged. ‘I said nothing. No one asked me for anything, other than my passport. Josh arranged it all.’

Diana nodded. She knew just how easy it was; she’d taken on countless similar cases, years ago, when she was starting out.
She, more than anyone, knew just how easy it was to slip between the pages of the law. ‘Oh, Niela,’ she said slowly. ‘But
why didn’t you just say? We could have done something …
I
could have done something.’

Niela looked down at her hands. She shook her head. ‘I … I don’t know. I wanted to … in the beginning. But it never seemed
to be the right time and then everything happened so fast. I … I didn’t want Josh to think that I wasn’t … you know, a
good
person, someone you could trust. And then I met all of you and I just didn’t think it was the sort of thing I could ever
say. By that time we were married and there didn’t seem to be any point in bringing it up. I’d become another person, someone
else. Someone who was married to Josh, not …’ She stopped, swallowing painfully. ‘Not to Hamid. Hamid Osman. That was his
name. I ran away from him about a month after we were married. I was so afraid they would track me down and take me back.
He took me to live with him and his sister in Munich.’ She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. ‘I hated her. I hated
them both. He caught me talking to someone, a bank clerk … I got a beating for it and his sister practically kept me under
lock and key. I escaped one afternoon when someone came to read the meter. I just ran away. I came to London because I didn’t
know anyone here and no one knew me. I’m sorry, Diana. I just couldn’t keep it in any longer.’

Something inside Diana shifted at the sound of Niela’s words. She put a hand to her mouth. ‘You poor girl,’ she said, her
voice cracking. ‘You poor, poor girl.’ She slid her hand across the table and touched Niela’s forearm. ‘There’s something
I need to tell you, Niela. I know this is going to sound strange – after all, why should I tell you? I’ve never told anyone
else. But I have to. It’s time
I
told the truth.
I
can’t go on like this any longer, either.’

Diana spoke for almost two hours straight. Niela didn’t interrupt her, not once. She didn’t dare. At first Diana’s voice was
hesitant; she seemed to be groping for words. Niela watched her in astonishment. Diana? Lost for words? It didn’t seem possible.
But as she spoke, slowly unburdening herself of the weight she’d been carrying around for most of her life, her voice grew
stronger. Harvey poked his head round the door, saw that they were deep in conversation and left with Rafe and Darcy in tow.
Diana seemed not to have noticed. It was nearly seven by the time she stopped. ‘H … how much of this does Josh know?’ she
asked quietly.

Niela was still too stunned by what she’d heard to speak. She shook her head slowly. ‘Not much, I don’t think. Hardly any
of it. I … he knows about Rufus.’

‘Rufus?’ Diana’s eyes closed with pain. ‘How?’

‘He saw you once. With him. He was around nine or ten,’ Niela said slowly. ‘He was hiding in the attic and he saw you. I don’t
know if he thinks it was just that once … he wouldn’t say.’

Diana swallowed painfully. She took a large gulp of wine. ‘He saw us. Christ. What a mess. What a fucking mess.’

Niela winced. It was so unlike Diana to swear. She looked at her sitting opposite, her feet tucked underneath her, her hands
wrapped tightly around her glass as if she were holding on to it for dear life. Diana had lost weight, she realised suddenly.
Her face, normally so perfectly made-up and practically wrinkle-free, suddenly looked aged and drawn. ‘This … this thing with
Rufus. Do … do you know why it happened? Why you can’t break free?’ Niela asked after a moment, wondering if it was a question
too far.

‘Why?’ Diana gave a small start. She shook her head and took in a deep breath. ‘I couldn’t tell you. It was always that way,’
she said slowly. ‘Always. I can’t even tell you when it began. I just know that I’ve always loved him and in some way that
I can’t even begin to explain, I always will. Don’t misunderstand me … I do love Harvey. I married him because I loved him,
not because I couldn’t have Rufus. I didn’t
want
Rufus. He’s … there’s something
damaged
about Rufus and I don’t know why. He and Harvey come from exactly the same place. They’ve had the same upbringing, the same
love and care, and let me tell you, there was no one as caring as their mother. If it hadn’t been for Dot, I don’t know what
would have happened to me.’ She stopped and took another sip. She looked at Niela and her face softened suddenly. ‘Isn’t it
strange? I’ve spent my whole life trying to be perfect at everything, and in the end, I’ve failed with the one thing I’m most
proud of … my sons. I’ve failed at being a wife and a mother. Taking care of my family. And you … by the sound of it, a family’s
exactly what you’ve lost. And yet I’ll bet you anything it’s the thing you’ll do well. Brilliantly, in fact. I know you will.’

Niela shook her head slowly. She could feel the tears beginning to slide down her cheeks. ‘It’s not up to me. It’s Josh’s
decision too, and he’s already made one.’

‘Can you forgive him?’

Niela shook her head again. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything any more,’ she said slowly. ‘I don’t even know what to think.’

‘Give it time,’ Diana said, draining the rest of her glass. ‘Don’t make a decision now. Let him come back, settle in … and
then the two of you should talk.
I
need to talk to Josh. I need to speak to each of my sons before it’s too late.’ She stood up abruptly. ‘I’ll get you some
sheets and a duvet,’ she said, the briskness that Niela was used to back in her voice and manner. ‘You can sleep in Josh’s
room. It’s far too late for you to be traipsing across London. Can you call in late to work tomorrow?’

Niela nodded, relieved. Her head was spinning, and not just because of what she’d heard. There were so many emotions running
through her – relief, anger, fear, sadness. Some distant memory of a longing came back to her, and it took her a while to
place it. It was Ayanna, and the closeness between her cousin and her aunt. She’d never experienced that kind of closeness
between a mother and a daughter before. The gulf between her
own mother and the way her life had turned out was too wide and vast to be easily traversed … and now it was too late. When
she thought of Saira, it was anger she felt, not love or longing. Saira had abandoned her to the sort of fate she’d been brought
up to believe she would avoid. Diana was hardly the sort of mother she’d have chosen, either to have, or to aspire to be,
but she’d been touched beyond belief by Diana’s confession. She followed her out of the room and up the stairs to what had
once been Josh’s childhood room. Diana quickly and expertly made up the bed. Then she turned to Niela and paused, a small,
wistful smile flickering across her face. ‘Good night, Niela. Try to sleep. I know this must be hard for you … it’s hard for
all of us. But things will work out, you’ll see. You have to have … faith. Yes, that’s it. Faith. I think we could all do
with a little faith.’ And before Niela could say another word, she left the room, closing the door behind her. Niela heard
her footsteps fall away. She lay in the dark, listening to the faint creaking and settling of the house as it slipped into
the small hours of the morning.

Harvey was fast asleep; she crept into the bedroom, taking off her clothes and jewellery with great care. She needn’t have
bothered. Nothing would wake him. He slept the sleep of the innocent, she thought to herself wistfully; always had. In those
first few dreadful months after it had happened, she’d been unable to sleep. She’d lain beside him, night after night, unable
to give even the tiniest vent to the double-headed dragon of grief and fear that coursed through her veins in the same way
that dread now choked up her throat. It wasn’t just the thought of what was happening silently inside her that clogged her
mind and made her thoughts heavy with what couldn’t be said – it was everything else. The mess she’d made of everything. She
who had once had everything so tightly in place now felt things slipping away from her uncontrollably. Even her own body had
rebelled against her. She lay stiffly beside him, already feeling lighter, the thoughts and half-fancies coming dangerously
close.
In her half-dream state, she thought she could hear the beating of mechanical wings, coming to carry her off. She turned over
on to her side, pressing her face into the pillow, ashamed of the temporary feeling of sweet relief as she imagined giving
herself up to some other agency and slipping away unseen. Don’t be ridiculous, she admonished herself, sliding out a foot
to touch Harvey. That was all she needed – a touch. The solid reassurance of his flesh against hers. In the dark, her eyes
adjusted to the familiar shapes of things around her. The antique dressing table that stood by the open window; the heavy
damask drapes and the lighter, floating fabric that billowed gently to and fro. Harvey liked to sleep with the windows open.
She did too, although lately she’d felt a kind of fear emanating from the darkness beyond. Silly. Ridiculous. She was being
fanciful; the sort of thing her mother, when she had a mind to, warned her against.

Her mind drifted off on its own independent course. She was too tired to stop it. For the first time in years, she gave in,
allowed it to roam. Mohammed. Khadija … What had happened to them? She could no longer remember the name of the village where
Rufus said they were from. Djemmah? Djemba? No, Djemmorah. Yes, that was it. A tiny village high up in the slopes of the Atlas
Mountains. She still remembered the tremor of fear that had run through her when Josh told her he’d been assigned to work
on a camp in Algeria. She’d stared at him, her heartbeat suddenly accelerating. ‘Algeria?’ she’d murmured, turning away so
that he wouldn’t see the heat rising fast in her cheeks. ‘Good God, darling … what makes you want to go there?’
Please don’t say it
. She’d waited, every nerve ending in her body alive to the sound of the name Djemmorah. But of course he didn’t and of course
he hadn’t … he’d never been near the place, as far as she could tell. Smara, close to the border on the opposite side of the
country, would be as close as he’d ever get. She didn’t know how much Rufus had shelled out for everyone’s silence – he wouldn’t
say. Substantial enough, no doubt. She’d never asked where he got the money from. The Keelers
were wealthy, but not
that
wealthy. How much did a child cost? She felt the knife-edge of guilt twist a little deeper in her gut. She thought of Josh
and of Julia. And of the child about to come. She saw in Josh’s dark, glowering face the bewildered child, casting about in
his unhappiness, looking for some mischief or naughtiness for which he would make someone pay. He’d been making her pay for
thirty years with his choices and his absences and the tug-of-war love between them that refused to rest. Now it was someone
else’s turn – Julia? Aaron? Niela? Who would pay the ultimate price for what she’d done? She stifled a sob. What a mess. What
an unholy, godforsaken, mangled, tangled-up mess.

JOSH

Dar-es-Salaam, October 2000

Rain leaned in from the horizon, falling in silent vertical sheets, moving stealthily over the heaving sea. Out there, barely
a few hundred yards away from the hotel, waves rose and fell soundlessly. Josh moved about the room gathering his things,
stowing them into the khaki duffel bag that he’d come with, picking up the last remnants of his presence. In an hour or so
the driver would come for him and take him to the airport. In a few hours, he’d be gone, back to where he’d come from. He’d
come to Tanzania to sort out someone else’s mistakes – a small project in Buguruni, one of the capital city’s many slums –
and now he was about to fly back and try to sort out his own. He had no idea what to do. In the three months since he’d been
gone, he’d spoken to Niela only a handful of times, short, tense conversations in which nothing of any importance was said.
Now it was time to go home and face the music. He was dreading it. He
continued to stuff his belongings into his bag with a violence that betrayed him. It was his own emotions he was longing to
cut off, to choke before they choked him.