Once a Cowboy (16 page)

“Because she wasn’t in her right mind.”

“I know,” he murmured.

There was complete silence.

“Now forgive her. Really forgive her.”

“What?” He turned his head toward her. The room was in darkness, except for the moonlight and she couldn’t see his eyes.

“Forgive Claudia. You said the words in the hospital, but you didn’t mean them. You said them to console her. Now say them for yourself and mean them. You have to do that to move forward.”

“Are you a psychologist, too?”

“Dime-store variety.”

There was a long silence again.

“Forgive her,” Alex finally said. “In your heart I know you already have. That’s why you stayed by her bedside until she died.”

He still didn’t say anything.

“Say ‘I forgive you, Mother.’ Close that door forever. Feel those words, Brodie.”

She waited for what seemed like an hour, but it was only seconds.

“I forgive you, Mother.”

She waited again.

“I forgive you, Mother. I really do.” He looked at her. “I really do.”

She threw herself into his arms, kissing his face repeatedly.

When they came up for air, he asked, “Hungry?”

“Ravenous.”

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and reached for his jeans. “I’ll put Camila’s enchiladas in the oven.”

She tugged on his shirt and quickly followed.

In the kitchen, she could see that he was so much better. He actually smiled a couple of times and she knew he was going to be okay.

She slept another night in his bed and left early so she could make it to work on time. Buck’s patience was wearing thin.

“T
HIS IS STARTING
to be a pattern,” Buck said as she entered the house.

She poured a cup of coffee. “Not for long. I rented an apartment yesterday.”

He laid down the paper. “What’d you do that for?”

She blinked. “I told you I was moving out.”

“I didn’t think you meant it. And why do you need an apartment? You have a home right here.”

“Are you getting senile? You’ve told me many times I needed to move out, get married, have kids, blah, blah, blah.”

“Are you married?”

“No,” she said slowly as if speaking to a child. “We’ve talked about this.”

“Well, go, but you’re not leaving Naddy with me.”

She placed her hands on her hips. “We’ve had this discussion, too. You said you wouldn’t kick Naddy out.”

“I’ve changed my mind.”

She saw that look in his eyes that she’d seen the other day—fear. He was afraid of losing his family. Could Buck actually love her and Naddy? Could he really have a heart?

“No. You don’t get to do that.” She headed for the stairs, knowing she wasn’t changing her mind.

“It’ll be on your head if I kill Naddy.”

“I’ll visit you in prison,” she called, running up the stairs.

She always knew she didn’t have a normal family, but now she wondered what defined normal. Was it a woman stealing a baby and pretending it was her own? Or was it, like Naddy, living life to the fullest? Or was it, like Buck, keeping all his emotions inside? Maybe it was living life the best way you could—accepting, forgiving and loving.

In the next few days Brodie knew he’d turned a corner. All because of Alex and her caring. She’d gotten him to open up and talk. He never had a problem talking, but lately he’d shut down his emotions, except with her.

He still wasn’t sure about a lot of things, but he was ready to face each day—and the Braxton family. Once he opened that door he had to be prepared to walk through it and deal with Travis Braxton—the man he was. Or the man he was supposed to be.

He was still hesitant, but Colter and Tripp encouraged him to take the first step. And Alex agreed with them. So he made the phone call and arranged to visit on Sunday. He took Alex with him and he was beginning to see that she was his comfort blanket.

The day was overwhelming and at times he felt as if he was suffocating. Helen and Maggie smothered him with attention and George asked a million questions. His nephew, Cody, and his niece, Amber, were there, too. He made it through the meal but as soon as it was over, he had to get away—just to breathe.

Holding Alex that night made it all better. But how long could he continue to use her? He wanted to offer her a future, but he was still having a lot of conflicting emotions. How could he spend his life with her if he didn’t know who he was?

Years ago, he’d learned once you fell off a horse, you dusted off your britches and got back on. So that’s what he did. He went back to the Braxtons for shorter visits. George showed him his horses and they rode together.

The next weekend he taught Cody to rope and he cranked the tractor and mowed the weeds that covered the property. That constant knot in his stomach began to melt away as he got to know his new family.

Alex moved into an apartment and bought new furniture. He helped her arrange it, then he spent the night with her, “breaking in the bed” as she called it. The next morning he knew he couldn’t live in the city. He was country, pure and simple, and he wondered at the difference in him and Alex. Was the gulf too wide to make a relationship work? Would she give up the city for him?

At the moment he didn’t feel he had the right to ask that of her. But soon he’d have to make a decision about Alex. The thought of letting her go sent a pain through his chest. Love had finally bitten Brodie Hayes and he didn’t have a clue what to do about it.

Under normal circumstances it would be very simple. Get married, have kids, be happy. Was that possible for them? Or was he just clinging to her out of need brought on by the shock of his real identity?

Why did life have to be this difficult? Riding a bull
was so much easier. Broken bones healed, but his heart was another matter.

A
LEX WAS HAVING
a headache of a day. It started with Naddy and Buck arguing over the reward money. Naddy had her sights set on a Cadillac. Just as she was trying to make Naddy see sense and keep Buck’s temper in check, her phone rang.

Mike wanted to let her know that Ray Sims had leaked Brodie’s story to the press for a price. Damn. She would need more than Tylenol to get through this day. She immediately called Brodie, then the Braxtons.

When the story broke, the news spread rapidly. Alex saw that it shook Brodie. He became quiet, almost distant, and for the first time she couldn’t reach him. That scared her.

B
Y THE END OF THE WEEK
Brodie knew he had to get away from all the rumors and gossip. He’d never thought so many people could be interested in his life. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t seek comfort or lean on Alex anymore.

It was time to get his life straight and to sort through everything he was feeling, especially about Alex. Going on like he was wasn’t an option anymore. He had to find out who he really was. Until he figured that out he and Alex didn’t have anything more than a sexual relationship.

For the first time in his life, he wanted more than that from a woman.

He told George and Helen because he felt they had
a right to know. Disappearing out of their lives without a word would only hurt them and he couldn’t do that. They deserved his respect.

He was surprised by their reaction. They understood and asked that he call every now and then to let them know he was okay. He hugged them before he left and he didn’t feel like he was coming apart at the seams. That was progress, but it didn’t clear his head of all the confusion and the doubts.

Driving away, there was one thought on his mind. Now he had to tell Alex.

H
ER
J
EEP WAS AT
the office so he knew she was at work. The apartment was too personal, too comfortable, and he’d rather talk to her here.

He opened the door to loud voices. A stout man with a crew cut came out of Alex’s office. He looked mad enough to eat rusty nails.

“You’re not buying it. That’s all I have to say,” he shouted over his shoulder.

The man stopped and glared at him. “What do you want?”

This man is as mean as some of the bulls I’ve ridden.
This could only be Buck Donovan.

“I’m here to see Alex.”

“Well, she’s busy, so do whatever the hell you want.” Saying that, he slammed shut his office door.

“Nice meeting you,” he murmured, removing his hat and walking toward Alex’s office. He could hear her voice clearly—that patient, tolerant voice he knew well.

“This is it, Naddy, and we’re not arguing about it
anymore. No Cadillac. You can’t afford it. Buck has agreed to let you have the hot tub.”

“Hot damn. That’s what I wanted all along. Who needs a big old Cadillac? My Buick drives just fine.”

“Good, then…” Alex glanced up and saw him. “Brodie, come in.”

“I can come back later.”

“No need. This is my grandmother, Naddy. And Naddy, this is Brodie Hayes.”

Naddy turned to him. “How do you do, handsome?”

“I do just fine, ma’am.”

“Uh-huh.” She eyed him up and down. “I bet you do.”

Brodie saw where Alex got her sense of humor. This lady was like a lit firecracker. He had a feeling she went off regularly.

“Naddy, don’t you have a hot tub dealer to see?”

“Oh…yeah. I do.” She picked up a large bag from Alex’s desk. “Tell you what, handsome. You can join Ethel and me in the hot tub anytime.”

“Ah…” He was at a loss for words.

“Don’t mind her,” Alex said. “Her elevator doesn’t go quite to the top some days.”

“Uh-oh. I see now. My granddaughter has you staked out already.” Naddy winked at him. “She has good taste. Got that from me, yes, she did.”

“Naddy. Hot tub.”

“I’m gone, honeychild.”

Alex came around the desk and Brodie took a step backward. “Don’t come any closer.”

“Why? Are you contagious?”

“I can’t say what I have to if you’re within a foot of me.”

Alex’s stomach sank. “What is it?”

“I’m leaving for a while.”

She licked her lips. “Leaving?”

“Yes. I need to get away to figure out who I am.”

“Brodie, I’m sorry about the newspaper article.”

“The article is only part of this whole mess.”

“Brodie…”

He held up a hand. “Let me finish. I’ll try to explain how I feel.” He drew a deep breath. “It’s as if I’m in the dark, balancing on a tight rope. I can either make it to the other side and daylight, or tumble into a never-ending darkness.” He paused. “You’ve been my comfort blanket, there to help me through it all and holding you I can glimpse a sliver of light. But I’m still balancing precariously between Brodie Hayes and Travis Braxton. For my own peace of mind I can’t keep using you to get through another day. You deserve better than that. I have to find out if I’m Brodie or Travis.”

She told herself to be strong—to let him go without regrets. With dignity. But this would be the hardest thing she ever had to do. She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat. “How long will you be gone?”

“I’m not sure.”

“What about your ranch?”

“Joey and his dad will look after it. Colter will check on them from time to time.”

“Sounds as if you’re not planning on coming back.”

“I have a lot of thinking to do.”

“Have you told the Braxtons?”

“Yes, and they were very supportive and understanding. The way parents are supposed to be, I guess.”

“Then this is goodbye.” Tears stung the back of her eyes but she stoically refused to cry. She wouldn’t do that to him.

He looked into her eyes. “It isn’t just a sexual thing between us. I’ve felt more for you than any woman I’ve ever known. Without you, I wouldn’t have made it through the past three months. But somehow all those feelings are jumbled up with the pain and the heartache. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I have to go to get my head straight. Please understand that.”

“I’m trying to.”

“Take care of yourself.”

She nodded, unable to speak.

He turned and walked out. Just like that her world came tumbling down around her, leaving her scarred and empty. She gulped in air so she could breathe, but the pain was still there. And probably always would be.

She took a chance and gave her heart to the cowboy. And the cowboy wasn’t sure what he wanted. But she was. She’d wait forever if she had to because she knew exactly who he was.

The man she loved.

B
RODIE JUST STARTED DRIVING
, trying not to see that hurt look in Alex’s eyes. He called Tripp to let him know he wouldn’t be around for a while. Colter already knew. Both of them tried to talk him out of going, but he didn’t change his mind.

He took Interstate 35 into Waco, then U.S. Highway 190 into Killeen, Texas, and on to the Fort Hood army base. There were many restricted areas so he parked his
truck a safe distance away from the main gate and took in the scene. Men in uniform were everywhere; barracks, hangars, airfields and numerous buildings were in the distance. The real Brodie Hayes would have lived in a place like this, following in his father’s footsteps.

But that wasn’t him—the person Brodie was inside. He’d known that from an early age.

He drove on to Austin, then San Antonio. From there he took Interstate 10 into Houston. The heavy traffic made him wish he’d taken another route, but he didn’t know where he was going. Anywhere was his destination. As he inched his way across Houston, he definitely knew this busy, hectic lifestyle wasn’t for him, either.

It was dark when he stopped in Galveston so he checked into a motel. He was dead tired. He didn’t even care about eating. The next morning he walked along the beach for hours, then sat in the sand staring out at the never-ending water. Inside he was balancing on the tightrope with all the strength he had.

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed in Galveston. He found a measure of peace just watching the water. One day as he strolled along, he looked down to see his boots covered in sand. White gritty sand eating into the leather.

He was wearing his boots on the beach.

That spoke volumes to him. Who would wear boots on a beach? A cowboy. He was a cowboy. He already knew that, but it was suddenly clearer than ever. Mesmerized by the sand, he asked himself the same question he’d asked Colter and Tripp—how do you put a broken cowboy back together? They didn’t have an answer and neither did he. Once he figured that out maybe every
thing would fall into place. Maybe he’d have a name for the cowboy.

He removed his hat and threw it into the air. It landed next to a couple of girls sunbathing. A blonde in a bikini picked it up and glanced toward him. She rose to her feet, all curvy and feminine. He had no reaction at all, other than to notice that she was beautiful.

“Hey there, cowboy.” She smiled as she approached him. “Are you lost?” She handed him his hat.

He took it. “Yes, ma’am. I’m lost. Thanks.” Setting his hat on his head, he strolled away. He was lost but he was finally finding his way back.

“Hey. Don’t run off. I’ll help you,” the blonde called after him.

“No, thanks. I know where I’m going now.”

In his room, he called the Braxtons. When Helen answered, he wasn’t sure what to say so he said what was in his heart. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay.”

“Oh, Brodie, thank you for calling. It helps to hear your voice.”

Brodie swallowed. “Is George there?”

“He’s out mowing grass and repairing fences. He wants the place to look nice for when you visit.”

“Tell him I said hi.”

“I will. He’ll be sorry he missed you. Take care of yourself and call when you can.”

Helen didn’t ask when he was coming home or pressure him. He was grateful for that. He hung up and wanted to call Alex, just to hear her voice. No one called him
cowboy
like she did. The pretty blonde on the beach couldn’t hold a candle to Alex and the way she made
him feel. He was beginning to think that what he felt for Alex was as real as it could get.

In the next hour, he was on the road, still searching for that elusive answer. Was he Brodie or Travis?