On My Own (22 page)

“Do you know what Josh plans to do on spring break?” I asked casually as I walked Chloe to the bus station on Sunday. To be honest, I was hoping he wasn't planning on going home. I didn't want to chance an uncomfortable encounter with him at church or wherever.

“Didn't you know?”

“What?”

“He's going down to Mexico.”

“You're kidding? To the mission?”

She nodded and readjusted her backpack.

“Well, that's cool.” But even as I said the words, I felt a tiny wave of jealousy ripple over me. Suddenly I wished
I could go too. Not to be with him exactly, but just to be down there to help with the kids.

“Yeah, it was kind of spur-of-the-moment. But they'd raised some money at his college. It's for some new building the mission has been wanting, and Josh decided to hand deliver it and help out.”

“That's great. Our fellowship group's talking about a fund-raiser, but we haven't really gotten it off the ground yet.”

“Well, my parents weren't overly thrilled about Josh's unexpected trip.” She chuckled. “They'd been talking about having us all take a little Caribbean cruise together.”

“Oh, that's too bad.”

“Not for me.” She made a face. “I won't mind missing out on that little boat ride. Besides …” She grinned suspiciously.

“What?”

“Well, I haven't even told my folks about this yet. But remember I mentioned how these two girls and I have been jamming together lately–just for fun?”

“Yeah–isn't that Allie and Laura?”

“Right. Well, we've got ourselves an actual gig that same week. Remember that Christian coffeehouse you took me to last year?”

“Yeah. You're going to play there?”

“Yep. On Friday night. Hey, do you think you can come?”

“You bet. I wouldn't miss it. Maybe Beanie and Jenny
will want to come too. They plant to be around during spring break.”

“Cool. We could use some enthusiastic fans.”

By then we were at the bus station, and her bus was already loading up. “Thanks for coming to see me, Chloe.” I gave her a big hug. “It really meant a lot to me.”

“Well, you seemed pretty down.” She smiled. “And I suppose I was still feeling a little bummed to think you'll probably never be my sister-in-law now.”

I remembered the let down I'd given her just the night before when she asked if there might be a slight possibility that Josh and I would eventually get married someday. “But I can still be like your sister.”

“Yeah, that works.” Then she climbed on the bus and waved.

I suppose my words may have been a little strong that night, but I hadn't wanted to give her any false hopes. I wanted her to understand, more than anything, that I just want to obey God, and I believe He's closed the door with Josh. But I assured Chloe that I still love Josh as a friend and brother, and although I feel sorry he and I can't still be friends, I want, more than anything else, to remain obedient to God.

For all I know, God might want me to be single for the rest of my days. And I told Chloe how I need to be willing to accept that. I actually think she understood. As I've said, Chloe seems wise beyond her years.

Finals seemed to go okay last week (at least I hope so!). I caught a ride home with Bryce last weekend and have been enjoying just hanging with family and friends the past couple of days. It's weird though; everyone is still acting all apologetic and sorry to me about my breakup with Josh. Well, not everyone. Beanie definitely thinks it was a smart move. And I suppose my dad's relieved. And Tony too. But the others act like it's something to be sad about. And the truth is, I'm tired of explaining it over and over, so I just accept their sympathy and hope they'll move on. I know I have.

It's like this deep down joy has been growing in me–ever since that dark day when Josh came to visit. It's hard to explain, but I think it's kind of like springtime. It's that feeling that life and growth are just beginning to bud after a long, cold winter. I feel like those tulips and daffodils, with their cheery, hopeful faces looking up to the sun, as if life is just beginning! There is nothing on earth as satisfying as walking with God–in perfect obedience. Okay, I know I'm not perfect, but I really am trying to do what God wants me to do. And I think His reward is that sweet, pure joy and peace. And it's a good thing!

Beanie, Jenny, Anna, and I went to hear Chloe and her friends perform last night at the Christian coffeehouse.
And, believe me, we were all totally blown away by this young trio. In fact, everyone there was impressed. These high school girls are really good! Despite not wanting to run into him, I wish Josh could've been there to see his little sister perform. It was amazing. The girls' voices blended perfectly, and every song was an original that Chloe had penned herself. I'm thinking that girl may be a genius! A number of people asked if they were selling CDs afterward, and Chloe said she plans to discuss the possibility of getting one recorded with her dad's friend (the music teacher from the college). But honestly, I think these girls could be a big hit! I can't even describe how proud I am of Chloe. I know it doesn't really have anything to do with me, but I can't help but feel a certain type of motherly–or maybe sisterly–pride in Chloe's success.

This has been a totally great week for me. It's the first week of spring term, and I've got a manageable class schedule, plus time to attend the fellowship group and to just hang with friends. If anyone had told me I'd be this happy six months ago (back when I just started school and was feeling completely homesick and depressed), I never would've believed her. But the truth is, I was really happy to get back to school this term. And I was glad to see Liz again. Our friendship has really grown in the past several months. Oh sure, we're not
best
friends,
and she can still be a pain in the behind sometimes when she's in one of her foul moods, and, yes, she's still not a Christian, but I really do love her–and I think it's just a matter of time before she returns to God (although I wouldn't admit this to her).

Another great thing that's happening–our fellowship group has started working toward a fund-raiser for Mexico. We're going to put on a really fancy dinner at the church (a hundred dollars a plate!) followed by a silent auction. I've already started hitting businesses for donations, and when I went to the campus gift shop (where I'd gotten Liz that little lamb for last Christmas), the woman asked me if I was looking for any part-time work. Well, I hadn't actually been looking, but it suddenly occurred to me that it might not be a bad idea after all. And anyway, I start working next week. Just a couple evenings a week and on Saturdays, but since I have a lighter class load this term, plus I'm looking to earn money to go to Mexico this summer–well, it all seemed just perfect. A God thing!

After church today, a bunch of us took a bike ride. And it was so great! The weather was absolutely perfect and spring was busting out all over! And as I was sailing down a hill with the wind in my face, it hit me–
I felt so free
! And suddenly I wondered how I would've felt if I were still tied into that commitment with Josh. And in that instant I realized, with crystal-clear clarity, that I was exactly where God wanted me to be. How great is that?

I was awakened early this morning by the phone's shrill ring. I groggily picked it up and croaked out a froglike “hello” only to hear what sounded just like Josh on the other end! Blown away by this possibility, I decided I must've been dreaming and almost hung up. But he said “hello” again, and I realized it must be for real. A wave of shock ran through me as I sat up in bed, blinking to clear my eyes and fuzzy brain.

“Caitlin?” he spoke quietly, in what seemed a tentative voice, especially for the usually self-assured Josh Miller. “Is that you?”

“Josh?”

“Yeah,” another pause. “I was in town, and I …uh …I wondered if I could meet you–”

“You're kidding? You're here on campus? Right now?”

“Yeah. I drove over last night.”

Suddenly, I felt seriously worried. Was he here to pressure me into going back with him? Or was he still angry with me? What was up?

“So …uh …can we get together, Caitlin?”

“I …” I ran my fingers through my hair wondering what I should do, then shot up a quick prayer. Finally, sensing no harm could come from simply talking with him, I agreed to meet him at the coffee shop in half an hour.

I quickly showered and dressed, praying all the while that God would quiet my heart and lead me through what promised to be a difficult meeting. Then I hurried
over to the coffee shop to find Josh already seated and sipping coffee.

“Hi.” I ordered a large double mocha and then joined him. “What's up?”

“Sorry to catch you by surprise,” he began. And as I looked at him, I sensed something was different, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

“It's okay. I probably needed to get up anyway.” I paused as the waiter set my cup before me. “So what are you doing over here, Josh?”

He looked at me evenly. “I came to apologize to you, Caitlin. I need to ask you to forgive me.”

“Forgive you?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I realize now that I never should've asked you to join in that covenant thing with me.”

“You're kidding?” Now to be honest, I was having a confusing mix of thoughts just then. Was Josh saying that it had been a mistake because he never really wanted to marry me in the first place (and right or wrong, this thought hurt my ego more than a little), or was he just saying that it was wrong?

He shook his head. “No, I can see now that it wasn't God leading me–it was something that I had devised myself.” He looked down at the table. “I suppose I tried to make myself believe it was God, at the time–because I wanted it so much.”

“Oh, Josh.” I controlled my hand from reaching out to touch him.

“But I can see now that not only was it stupid, but it was dangerous too.”

“Dangerous?”

“Yeah, it's that kind of thinking that leads people right into legalism and even a cult type of mentality.”

“Really?” I had never considered this possibility before.

“But the worst part of the whole thing was that I involved you–I put you in a really bad position.”

“But it was my own fault for agreeing–”

“You never would've agreed if I hadn't brought it up and then pressured you.” He looked me straight in the eyes. “I'm sorry, Caitlin. Will you please forgive me?”

“Oh, Josh, of course, I forgive you. I already did forgive you.” I smiled. “How could I not?”

His countenance lightened a little. “Yeah, I should have known that you would've already done the right thing. That's just the way you are.”

I sighed. “Well, I don't know about that. To be honest, I was hurt and upset at you for a while, but mostly I felt like it was my own fault–I never should've agreed to do something I knew in my heart was wrong.” Then I looked at him. “Can you forgive me, Josh?”

He smiled. “Sure. But I still think it was mostly my fault.”

“Well, let's not argue about that.” I took a sip of coffee. “Tell me how you've been? How was your trip to Mexico?”

“Really great. It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment
decision, but I'm glad I went. I think I needed it–probably even more than they needed me.”

“I heard you guys raised enough money for the new preschool.”

“Yeah, it was amazing! The folks down there were so surprised and happy. It was pretty cool.”

I nodded. “Well, I have to admit I was a little envious when I heard that you were going down there. I wished I could've gone too.”

“Really? You should've come.”

I laughed. “Yeah, after all we've been through–you really think that would've been a good idea?”

“Maybe not.”

“But I'm planning on going this summer. I've got a part-time job, and I've already started saving up for it. I'd like to stay for a whole month or maybe even more if I can.”

“Really? I was thinking of doing something along the same lines. I'd really like to help them with some of the building projects that are coming up.”

Suddenly I felt a little unsure. “Uh, do you think it'd be a problem for …uh …for us, I mean, if we happened to be there at the same time?”

He shrugged. “I don't see why it should be a problem. In fact, I was hoping that we could go back to being good friends again, Caitlin. I miss you.”

I smiled. “I miss you too. But do you think it's possible to be just friends?”

“You mean do I think I can control myself and keep
from coming on to you or pressuring you into marrying me or something equally crazy?”

I laughed. “Well, something like that.”

He held up his hand as if to make a pledge. “I give you my scout's honor that I'll do my very best to keep our relationship as that of good friends–brother and sister. Does that suit you okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. That suits me just fine.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Well, you know what you said in the letter about me being a weed that God had to pull from your heart?”

I winced. “Yeah?”

“Do you really think of me like that?”

“Oh, Josh.” I made a face. “Not at all. But it's like you'd taken root in my heart–rather I'd allowed you to take root–and it wasn't God's plan for me right now. And it was important for my relationship with God that I remove you.”

“And have you?”

I took a deep breath. “I believe I have.”

“But you said ‘right now.’ Does that mean things could change later on?”

I smiled. “I don't know. I guess it's up to God.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I can see that.”

“You must know that I still love you, Josh. You've been one of my best friends. You've been like a brother.”

“But that's all.”

“That's all for right now.”

“There's that phrase again. Right now.”

I ran my fingers over the warm cup. “Well, you know, we can only live one day at time. Who knows what the future might bring? But for now, yes, that's all.”

He smiled. “Okay, that works for me.”