“We have to make up for last night,” he whispered in the darkness, bringing his lips to hers. All coherent thought deserted her as she responded to the ardent demands of his mouth. He only had to touch her and she was lost in a haze of sweet sensation. Being in his arms felt so right, so perfect and Nicole wanted it to remain like this for the rest of their lives. She never wanted them to part, which meant they had to talk about the past. In order to secure their future she had to get him to open up about the loss of his parents.
With great reluctance she pressed her palms against his chest. “We need to talk,” she insisted.
“No, we don’t.” He moved in to kiss her again, but she forced herself away from him. She reached for the light switch, flicking it on.
Philip had turned away from her before she got the chance to see the expression on his face. Nicole deduced it wasn’t a happy one. She had cooled his ardour, after all.
“Why Nicole? Do you have some morbid fascination with horror stories or something?” he grated, still with his back to her. She moved to stand in front of him. Expecting him to turn on her again, she was surprised when he looked directly at her. Anger flashed in his gold-flecked eyes, anger and, yes, pain.
“No of course not. I want to talk about it because I think it will help you to get it out in the open. I think we were on the verge when we found Marcus... It has something to do with him, doesn’t it...?”
“Yes Marcus,” he said with a heart-felt sigh. “All right, if you’re so desperate to know, I’ll tell you what happened.”
He took a step closer, bringing his hands to her shoulders, gripping them tightly. Nicole stared up in dismay at the agony etching his face into a hard mask of bitterness. “Three people died as a result of that car accident; my little half-brother, and later my mother and my sister. Yes, Marcus reminded me of Michael. He looked just like him at that age. My step-father was driving, and as usual, had been drinking heavily... Oh, yes I forgot to tell you,” he went on at the sight of her confusion.
“My real father died when I was five, and my sister three, twelve months after migrating to this country. He was in an accident at work, falling to his death on a construction site. My mother, unable to cope on her own, met and married Italian born Mario Palmiri two years later, talking him into adopting Elaina and I.”
“See what your little social work mind can make of this. They had been married no more than two months when his true colours started showing through. He used to hit my mother when he’d been drinking. He beat me whenever it took his fancy, and he interfered with my sister.”
“Philip!” Nicole protested, when his fingers dug painfully into her shoulders.
“You wanted to hear it. Now shut up,” he rasped, shoving her roughly away from him. “I was fourteen when the accident happened. My sister was twelve and Michael four. We were heading home from visiting my mother’s parents, an activity Mario always hated. So not only was he drunk, he was in a foul mood. Mum was protesting, pleading for him to slow down but he wouldn’t. I could see the speedo going up to one-sixty, way over the limit… And then he lost control. The car skidded all over the road. Lucky there wasn’t anything coming the other way, or he could have killed even more people.... the car rolled and we ended up down an embankment.”
Nicole watched him bring his hands to his face. She wanted to go to him, but he threw his hands away so abruptly, she stopped in mid-stride. Tears glistened in his eyes, and Nicole knew he was reliving that horrible night, as he heaved back an involuntary sob.
“Michael died in agony right there in front of me,” he said with a shuddering breath. “I stopped feeling the pain of my own injures when his broken little body went limp as he closed his eyes.”
“Oh Philip! Let me hold you,” she murmured gently, extending her hands to him, but he pushed them away.
“No. Don’t touch me. You haven’t heard the worst of it.”
“You don’t have to tell me any more if it hurts too much.” She hated to see him suffering like this, but it seemed as though once the memories had been unleashed, it was like a floodgate opening. It had gone beyond any comfort she could provide. He was going to have to cope with this in his own way, and for the first time Nicole wondered whether she’d made a grave error of judgment in thinking talking about it would help.
“Getting too much for you, is it? My sister ended up a paraplegic, and my mother suffered massive brain damage. They turned off her life support a few weeks later. I sat by her bedside and watched her die… But Mario, he staggered away from the vehicle with barely a scratch on him, and it took the police weeks to locate him. Want to know why he didn’t want to be found?”
“I could guess.” Nicole imagined he was feeling too guilty about having caused the accident.
“Could you? They were after him for dealing in illegal goods. He was a crook. Of course he was also charged with negligent driving and manslaughter. I went to court to give evidence on that count. I wanted to see him locked away for life, but the judge only gave him a few years. A few years for killing his wife and son, and maiming his step-daughter for life, a life that only lasted six months before she died of complications. The bastard is free now, no doubt destroying someone else’s life.”
Nicole stared at him as he started stalking across the floor. Her heart was breaking for him, and she had trouble containing her own tears. His had dried, to be replaced once more by his mask of bitterness. He had suppressed these intense emotions all these years, bottling them up inside. No wonder he was reacting the way he was. No wonder indeed.
“Our grandparents took Elena and I in, but they were pensioners. They couldn’t really cope with two mixed-up kids, emotionally or financially. Because Elena needed so much extra attention, they concentrated on looking after her. They thought I was big enough to take care of myself. I suppose I was, but at the time all I could think about was how damned lonely I was, how much I missed Michael and Mum...”
“Of course you did. That’s perfectly normal,” Nicole concurred empathically.
“It’s too late for words of sympathy now.”
“It’s never too late, Philip,” she disagreed.
“I learned to cope,” he went on. “Admittedly I went a bit wild. I spent most of my time on the streets. How I managed not to end up behind bars myself still amazes me. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I realized what a mess I was making of my life. If I wanted to become someone I had some serious work ahead of me. I found a job selling stereo equipment so I could save up enough money to get through University. I thought I had come such a long way - until I tried to find a job as a lawyer. Without the backing of an influential family, the big reputable law firms were out. They didn’t want a nobody who couldn’t vouch for a clean background. They’d take someone like you. Nicole. Why you chose social work, when all you needed for a job with prospects was your father’s say so, is beyond me.”
Now she understood why he’d reacted the way he had the first time they met. He’d been speaking from experience. Here she was with all the social advantages, embarking on what he and her parents considered a mediocre career. And there was Philip, struggling against insurmountable odds to make something of himself. It was the unfairness of it which had struck a chord in him.
“But you’ve done so well, Philip,” she finally said.
“Have I really? I wonder what your father would do if he found out that Mario Palmiri was my step-father. He’s already warned me to stay away from you. Do you suppose he’d ever work out that Philip Palmiri and Philip Pelayo are one and the same until I changed my name back again? Nobody else has - yet.”
“Well, I’m not going to tell him,” Nicole promised softly.
“No, I don’t suppose you would, but... it will always be there. You’ll always know that you got involved with the son of a criminal, a man who himself embarked on activities that could be classed as illegal. How does that sit with your chaste do-gooder attitude, hmm?”
She didn’t care about any of that. None of it had been his fault. She wanted to tell him this, but he never gave her the chance.
“You don’t want to issue words of comfort now, do you? You’re disgusted. Disgusted for getting involved with a lawless rebel from Marrickville! But you wanted to know. You begged me to tell you.”
“No, I —
“Oh, let’s just end it now. It would have anyway. We’re worlds apart, Nicole. I should never have let it go this far.”
Suddenly he strode across the room. He picked up his travel bag, slinging it over his shoulder.
“What are you doing?” Nicole cried, as he reached for the door handle.
“What does it look like? I’m going to try and get another room, and tomorrow I’ll head back to Hobart.”
“No, you can’t leave me.” Panic rose in her throat. The situation was far graver than she’d imagined. She’d gotten him to talk, but now he resented her knowing. If only they could get past this stage, she knew they would have a future together.
“This is the coward’s way out,” she insisted, grabbing hold of his arm. “If you’re really as big and tough as you like to think you are, you’ll deal with this. We’ll both deal with it.”
“I don’t want to deal with it, Nicole. I want to forget all that ever happened,” he grated out, roughly wrenching his arm free of her grasp.
“You’ll never forget it. It won’t go away by pushing it under the carpet, because our past affects our future. I can’t stop you from leaving me, but it’s really yourself you’re running away from.”
Philip reacted exactly as expected. He shot her one last scornful glance before yanking open the door.
Nicole decided to play her final card. She had nothing else left to lose. “If you really care about me, you won’t go.”
That made him hesitate.
He stood in the open doorway, still with his back to her, his shoulders stiff with tension.
Nicole held her breath, the pulse thundering in her ears. Please don’t leave me? she prayed silently. Not now, not like this.
But a second later he walked out of the room, and out of her life, letting the door swing shut behind him. Nicole stood there, staring at the wood paneling in disbelief.
He’d really done it! Philip had left her, and this time he wouldn’t be back. He hadn’t cared enough. His unhappy upbringing had destroyed his trust and faith in others, rendering him incapable of loving.
Shock gave way to despair. Nicole collapsed onto the double bed to let the tears flow. Soon she was sobbing uncontrollably, her entire body shaking with desolation.
He’d sent her emotions into overdrive, and awoken her most secret desires, but that was all it had been to him, all it could be to him. She had been a fool to think it would lead anywhere, a silly immature fool, who thought four years of social work training could help change a life-time of suffering.
Nicole cried and cried, until no more tears would come. Even though physically exhausted, her mind was still racing at a hundred miles an hour, wishing she had handled things differently. She should never have confronted him like that, never forced the issue. But it was too late, she finally told herself. There’s nothing you can do about it now. The die has been cast. The deed done. It was all over.
She had to get on with her future. Tomorrow she would continue the tour as planned. All too soon she would be back in Sydney, where life would go on as normal. She had to find herself a job and forget she’d been foolish enough to fall for a handsome Spanish rebel from the wrong side of town.
Nicole didn’t realize that she’d fallen asleep until she opened her eyes to daylight peeping through the blinds. On glancing at her travel clock, she saw it was already seven-thirty. For a moment she lay there, until the memory of what had transpired during the night hit her like the blow from a sledgehammer.
Philip had left her.
Recalling her resolve to cope no matter what, Nicole scrambled out of bed to continue with her tour. She got dressed and headed downstairs for breakfast. Even though she had no appetite, she managed to swallow two slices of toast and gulp down a cup of coffee. It helped a little to ease her weariness. Luckily the Martinolis didn’t appear while she was there. Nicole doubted she could face Marina and admit she’d failed. She’d gotten him to talk all right but without the desired result. Instead of bringing them closer together it had driven them apart.
The mountain air was crisp, with a bite in the breeze when Nicole stepped outside. Bright, early morning sunshine made the dew covered grass sparkle so intensely she had to squint as she made her way towards the car. As it was still early, there were few people about. It was eerie to be so alone on top of this majestic mountain range. She wondered again where Philip had gone. For a few minutes she stood beside the vehicle trying to decide whether she should wait for him. It could be entirely possible that he’d changed his mind during the night.
Oh stop being so foolish, she chastised herself. If Philip still wanted you he would have come back last night. To prevent the cloak of depression settling around her again, Nicole got into the car and reversed it out of its parking spot. Resolving once again to continue on with the rest of her trip, she started driving in the direction of Strahan and Queenstown, but her heart simply wasn’t in it anymore.
There were very few cars on the highway. As this was not a very populated part of Tasmania she wasn’t surprised. It was too rugged and cold. The only sound was the hum of the engine. Nicole doubted she had ever felt so alone. Thus it came as a bit of a surprise to see a hitch-hiker walking along the road ahead of her. Never having been one to stop for lone men walking along deserted highways, she pushed her foot down harder on the accelerator, and sped past him. It wasn’t until she glanced into the rear vision mirror that she decided this was one hitch-hiker she would stop for. She should have recognized him from the trendy black jacket he was wearing.